New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

Hello 👋 @AlTempleton

I like dogs, like the thought of running (but actually rarely even walk as I'm incredibly lazy!), like daffodils - but prefer lilies - and adore cake (to the detriment of my waistline).

I think you sound like a neighbour I could get on with. I like a neighbour with boundaries, who takes in the occasional parcel and days hello in passing. Have a little chat now and again, but not bother me with conversation when I'm trying to commune with Nature or cut the grass or just soak in the occasional bit of sun. Will I do? 🌹

@Mistystar99

Why is it always women who have to be kind and friendly when they don't want to be?! Her husband needs do something about his wife's loneliness other than delegate tasks out to women he doesn't even know. Instead of gardening and running and bossing you about, why doesn't he take his wife out himself a bit?

This!

You’re not being mean and he’s extremely cheeky to select her for you as a friend. You don’t want to, end of.

He could help her improve her English, which would help her to get to know other people. Maybe he likes keeping her trapped in the home with only “friends” he has chosen for her for company.

ffs fuck of with be kind and rtft

@AlTempleton

Okay, this is my thread and I get to set the rules from now on. Obviously I don't care if you're offended by this as I'm dead inside anyway and have literally no empathy.

ONLY people who like dogs, running, daffodils and cake can post from now on. You HAVE to like all four items or you're out. I just cannot get along with anyone with any other life set-up in all honesty.

Yes I’m in!

Why not post on a local social media page asking what groups/ online support groups are available for new mums in your area and give him the list? No it's not your responsibility but it might be a nice thing to do for them.
She may very well be depressed, she's presumably stuck at home all day with a baby and no visitors and it sounds like her family may not live locally. It was bad enough when my DD was born and it poured with rain for about 3 months solid that summer, I have family nearby and speak the language but it was still miserable being home alone for much of the day. Maybe there is a local support group for mums who speak her language, they can be really helpful for having someone to confide in and to explain what is available to help her integrate.
And yes, what harm can having a cup of tea have, you never know, you might like each other.

Why are you so worried about it "escalating"? There's nothing wrong with just going round and introducing yourself. It doesn't mean you are "earmarked" for solving her loneliness. She might not even like you.

Where are you, OP? If you're in London then I'll laugh my head off. If she wants friends, she can make the effort in London.

I think you can safely say sod off if he approaches you again.
We popped round this weekend and it was clear we weren't welcome so no, let's leave it now.

(Things I wish I had the balls to say 😁)

I've read all your comments. I meet the joining criteria.

TBH, your opening post didn't do you any favours - you did come across as a neighbour not many would like next door, quite heartless and full of yourself and your super busy, no time for a new neighbour.

First impressions count a great deal which is probably why you've received a bit of flack here.

You do come across as quite judgy and jumping to conclusions, with quite an inflated view of your role in all this.

When it comes down to it, all that happened is that a neighbour asked you to have a cuppa with his isolated, lonely, non English speaking new mum. You then proceeded to make lots of assumptions about him, his wife, your role, future scenarios and outcomes.

He asked you to make his lonely wife welcome and go over for a cuppa. That's it.

Frankly, yes, you do come across as a horrible person. And an awful neighbour.

Their last reaction is totally unsurprising. If also politely close the door with a no thanks. If you come across a fraction as negatively IRL than you do on here, he clearly got your sentiment and feelings towards him and his new family.

Our new neighbours (both foreign) moved in around 2 years ago. Within days of them moving in, we put a card through the door, welcoming them, giving our names and asking to let us know if they need anything, adding that most of us on the terrace know one another and are a friendly bunch. A week or 2 later they replied, thanking us and saying they were looking forward to getting to know the neighbours and neighbourhood.

There is no way I would have waited months before introducing myself. And I certainly wouldn't think negatively of a husband caring enough and brave enough to ask a person he doesn't know to be friends. It's not easy to do.

You can protest all you like and, yes, you thankfully took advice from here and went round - but still with negative outlook - basically to show willing under duress, however you know that you acted unnecessarily badly to the situation.

All you had to do was say welcome. Of course I'll come round for a cuppa. I work full time and it's a pretty full on job so during the week will be difficult, but when restrictions ease, husbans and I will come for a proper chat and a cuppa. I'll bring cake.

That simple

There’s a saying “ it takes a village to raise a child” - I get that you feel you have little in common with this other human being , but if the pandemic has taught us anything, it is surely to be kind and look out for neighbours. Is it honestly too much to give a smidgen of time to a stranger? I know you don’t have children - but one day you may be very grateful of a dog sitter/ lift somewhere/ spare key holder- and parents at home with young babies are great for taking parcels in!! You could surely legitimately go for a quick cuppa and explain that you are extremely busy with work etc ( early on in the conversation so she doesn’t feel it’s personal) but that there are mum and baby groups etc locally. If you wanted to be really kind/ generous you could quickly google a few details ( surely easier fir you to do than someone who struggles with the language?). I’m firmly of the belief we can all learn and discover things from other people - at the moment you feel this is very one sided- but having lived in a fantastic neighbourly road for eight years I can promise you fortunes change and people need people in ways they may never anticipate!!

@SooziQue wow, guilt trip much? Why is everyone so pushy that op goes round for a cup of tea, she's clearly said she doesn't want to. She's shouldn't be pushed or guilt tripped into doing something she doesn't want to do!

Good point busymumtoone.

She and her husband should go round there with a housewarming gift and invite them over, eh?

I think it’s a bit mean to be honest. Just have a coffee with her. If it brightens her week, it doesn’t seem too much to ask of you.

One day you might be lonely. A little bit of kindness won’t kill you. You don’t have to best friends. What goes around comes around.

@MadMadaMim

TBH, your opening post didn't do you any favours - you did come across as a neighbour not many would like next door, quite heartless and full of yourself and your super busy, no time for a new neighbour.

You do come across as quite judgy and jumping to conclusions, with quite an inflated view of your role in all this.

Frankly, yes, you do come across as a horrible person. And an awful neighbour.

I don't think OP is horrible, but your post is very nasty.

If a person approaches another, there is sometimes a little dance. Verbals and non verbals are exchanged.

Thoughts like What do you want? Will we get along? Are you a threat?
and so on.

It used to be known as " chatting" or "being friendly"

It is possible to do the little dance and at a later date disengage.
The woman in the window is possibly many things......lonely, intelligent, bored and not confident in English.

Is is not preferable as a human being to nod and smile, spend 2O minutes or so. If it became too much, pull back.

The rage by some about it being " women's work" is unfounded in my opinion.

Read the thread ! 🤦🏻‍♀️

@VettiyaIruken

Good point busymumtoone.

She and her husband should go round there with a housewarming gift and invite them over, eh?

That's a great idea @Vettiyalruken - in fact, she could even take flowers from her garden. That would be a nice touch

Op thank you letting me join!!!

People- read the thread - the op has been round!!!

Omg - crying with laughter at updates on here( sincere apologies did not read whole thread - but have now learned something new- how to see all original poster’s commentsso thank you for that) !! Just weird. Perhaps his wife has fear of going out?! 🧐 sad for your daffs though. You could leave one on the doorstep each day?!

@busymomtoone so you've posted without RTFT and then gone right to the end of the thread to see responses to your post? Why do people do that?!

As other said a cup of tea won't cost you nothing. If gets too much you can always say no.

I think you are being a little unreasonable. An hour a week would not hurt. I get that you’re busy and may feel a little forced, but give the lonely wife a break.

I like dogs, daffs, cake and the thought of running. Please say I’m in!

Oh, and I always always RTFT before posting! That should be your 5th criteria OP!