New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

Oh and for what it's worth, threads like these were the reason I'd mooch around on mumsnet even though I'm not a mum yet!

@Wanderlust20

Oh and for what it's worth, threads like these were the reason I'd mooch around on mumsnet even though I'm not a mum yet!

They are certainly more interesting than potties and baby feeds.

I think you could use work as the perfect excuse that you don't have time!

Hi OP.

I'm really surprised how many people think you have some sort of duty here.

I think you have already gone above and beyond. As a rule I do not socialise with neighbours, I don't like being over friendly with people living right next to me. I just prefer my privacy and go no further than a friendly nod. I'll take in a parcel of whatever, communicate for necessary repairs or anything, but that is it. Any more just sets up expectations. What if you don't get on? Or fall out over something? You have to live next to each other and spend your time avoiding/over thinking about the while thing. It's not like other budding friendships where you can just decide its not for you and move on. It could cause all sorts of problems.

The pestering you about hanging out with his wife is a bit intrusive and weird, and tbh that dynamic would not be for me. Sounds a bit old fashioned and possibly misogynist. Especially given his latest move! I would avoid.

@Wanderlust20

This thread is hilarious! From the replies from folk who haven't RTFT to the batshit neighbour declining YOUR offer of tea! Op, just wanted to say you sound lovely and not at all heartless even though you have no kids . Just goes to show your instincts were spot on - he's not interested in getting to know you or your hubby, just thought you were the answer to his problem...

Absolutely this.

It was clear as day that the busy with his life husband needed a vagina, any vagina that he could assign a job to.

The cheek of him.
He sounds like a twat.
Avoid.

Really weird. I started thinking, well she could just go over for a quick coffee, point out the local groups and where she can enquire for language courses and job done. Then I read your update where he said no and was dumbfounded. I am Spanish too, and think this is very odd. All I can think of is that he approached you without having asked her first and she was mortified when he told her, that you would think she is stupid or needy and told him in no uncertain terms she wasn´t up for it...But his way of handling this is odd to say the least.

OP, I wish you were my neighbour! I’ve just read all your replies to some of the batshit messages on here! What a strange man, who just wants someone to take his poor wife off his hands! You and your DH sound lovely.

@YNK

Op the wife may well feel her DH is setting her up!

A similar thing happened to me when someone I was friendly with asked me to take him to the doctors. I wondered why his wife wasn't taking him so I made it clear that I'd give him a lift but I wasn't going in to the surgery with him. I don't want to get in the way of his confidential business and have his wife think I'm overstepping the mark as a friend.
Anyway he pushed me into going in to the reception with me only to find his wife waiting there. She demanded of him why I was there and he said "I just want the two of you to be friends" - she was absolutely livid (I can't blame her) and barely spoke to me for ages!

That's just surreal. People are odd. I mean the man trying to make you friends with his wife, not you.

I don't have a dog and I don't run but I like tea, cake and daffodils. I've missed a lot of the batshit replies because I only click on the see all options on the OP's posts to get my updates. It's a pity more people don't do this.

Okay, this is my thread and I get to set the rules from now on. Obviously I don't care if you're offended by this as I'm dead inside anyway and have literally no empathy.

ONLY people who like dogs, running, daffodils and cake can post from now on. You HAVE to like all four items or you're out. I just cannot get along with anyone with any other life set-up in all honesty.

@SVRT19674

Really weird. I started thinking, well she could just go over for a quick coffee, point out the local groups and where she can enquire for language courses and job done. Then I read your update where he said no and was dumbfounded. I am Spanish too, and think this is very odd. All I can think of is that he approached you without having asked her first and she was mortified when he told her, that you would think she is stupid or needy and told him in no uncertain terms she wasn´t up for it...But his way of handling this is odd to say the least.

Yes I think you must be right about her being mortified at what he's done! If anything else comes to light I'll update.

Everyone who likes only SOME of those things come and start a TAAT and complain about what a bitch @AlTempleton is and let’s go and invite her Neighbour over for tea because we’re #kind.

I've changed my mind.

I was all for #bekinder

But screw that! They ruined your daffs by proxy and I bet even if they did have Pampas grass they wouldn't be up for it! Shame!!

ONLY people who like dogs, running, daffodils and cake can post from now on. You HAVE to like all four items or you're out Does brisk walking count? I'm fully on board with the dogs, the daffs and the cake.

@Justilou1

Everyone who likes only SOME of those things come and start a TAAT and complain about what a bitch *@AlTempleton* is and let’s go and invite her Neighbour over for tea because we’re #kind.

I will report those TAATs to MN HQ of course.

@ContractClockAndCrucible

ONLY people who like dogs, running, daffodils and cake can post from now on. You HAVE to like all four items or you're out Does brisk walking count? I'm fully on board with the dogs, the daffs and the cake.

I'm in a hiking group and therefore I like brisk walking, so you're in!

Congratulations – I officially like you!

See, look how magnanimous I can be.

I'm really surprised how many people think you have some sort of duty here

Yep, me too. I wouldn't make ANY effort at all.

I also like all 4 things that OP requested and think OP sounds ace!

@WildfirePonie

I'm really surprised how many people think you have some sort of duty here

Yep, me too. I wouldn't make ANY effort at all.

I also like all 4 things that OP requested and think OP sounds ace!

You're in too!

Actually, anyone who just says they like the OP, whether they like my four things or not, is in. I'm really shallow as well as all my other many faults, so being adored is enough.

Bye bye @AlTempleton as I only make 2 of your requirements. I'm off to the Litter Tray.

Hmm, I don't quite make the cut sadly. I love tea and cake but running is out of the question as I'm 7 months pregnant now 😂 I do still like to admire the daffs on a brisk walk though!!

Wow that guy had no difficulty saying NO did he? No #BeKind guff for him.

@SooziQue , yes exactly! There aren't any baby groups. There is no social life. I have a family member in exactly this position and it's bloody awful for her.

And I still don't think the OP should get involved with someone she has nothing in common with just because she lives next door.

Why cant you pop in for an hour? Her husband is obviously worried for her well-being and trying to do something to help. No, she is not your responsibility but it would be a nice, neighborly and kind thing to do. Her English might be better than you think once she feels relaxed enough to try/make errors, which she may well do if you pop in for a cuppa.

Sorry I didnt read the full thread!