New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

@eaglejulesk

Wow, some of these replies!!! Surely it wouldn't hurt you to pop in when you are able to and talk to her. Let's hope you never find yourself in a similar situation OP and find no-one wants to bother with you.

This thread is the gift that keeps on giving.😆 OP, The husband is a CF. Although he might come from a background where men generally socialize with men, and women generally socialize with women, and couples live very separate lives. I know a few people like that. Weird to me, normal to them. So his rejection may not have been odd or rude to him.

More likely he's just a CF trying to palm off his poor wife on you.

I like your style OP - I was just about to point out the see the OPs posts funnel .

Can I be your friend, I have a dog, go running and don't have much free time ?

Is your neighbour Papa Lazarou?

...you're my wife now...

God, you're so cold OP.

But never mind, a nice cup of tea will warm you up 👍

@rookiemere

I like your style OP - I was just about to point out the see the OPs posts funnel .

Can I be your friend, I have a dog, go running and don't have much free time ?

Well I guess I could fit you in for a run. I think I'd like you because you have a dog - I like dogs; just not children because of the cold, dead heart thing I have going on.

Just near in mind though that I'm very unkind and you can't rely on me should you ever need anything

My dog eats children, but I don’t run. Would you like me anyway? I usually bring wine or gin. I would probably snigger at pushy Neighbour man.

That's ok @AlTempleton I have this terribly selfish habit of doing what suits me and my family best and as DS is a teen rookiedog gets all the cuddles and attention anyway.

Weird response to you visit🤨
At the same time, this thread reminds me of me. Came to this country almost three years ago. I speak good English etc yet dispute efforts to make friends even joining many baby clubs, I have not managed to make friends (with the slight exception of one other foreign mum). Doesn't help am a bit of an introvert but I actually risked approaching several people to ask for a cuppa together, a walk with kids or not, but rebuffed. I have come to terms with the idea that this is no country for adult friendships but there are still times I blame/examine myself, feel sad at not having someone to share a cuppa with, knowing if I die only my husband and his family will care (my kids are too young. They will just be confused). The post and some of the responses remind me of that reality. I dare not take comfort from the more positive posts lest I raise my hopes only to be dashed again. I have lived in four countries and this is where I have really put myself out but had no response

@Justilou1

My dog eats children, but I don’t run. Would you like me anyway? I usually bring wine or gin. I would probably snigger at pushy Neighbour man.

Hmm I'm not sure about you. A PP kindly pointed out that I write people off when they're not the same as me. You don't run, so we're not the same.

Could you drop the gin and wine round though? I won't answer the door because I can't be arsed making an effort with you - just leave it outside.

@GingerScallop

Weird response to you visit🤨 At the same time, this thread reminds me of me. Came to this country almost three years ago. I speak good English etc yet dispute efforts to make friends even joining many baby clubs, I have not managed to make friends (with the slight exception of one other foreign mum). Doesn't help am a bit of an introvert but I actually risked approaching several people to ask for a cuppa together, a walk with kids or not, but rebuffed. I have come to terms with the idea that this is no country for adult friendships but there are still times I blame/examine myself, feel sad at not having someone to share a cuppa with, knowing if I die only my husband and his family will care (my kids are too young. They will just be confused). The post and some of the responses remind me of that reality. I dare not take comfort from the more positive posts lest I raise my hopes only to be dashed again. I have lived in four countries and this is where I have really put myself out but had no response

@GingerScallop do you happen to live in a more insular community? It’s odd as I presume those joining baby clubs actually do want to make friends...

@AlTempleton I’m just here for your witty repartee

@eaglejulesk The next time the OP sees the husband, would you like her to direct his wife to your username on Mumsnet, seeing as you seem to be a friendly soul? I mean it wouldn't hurt would it?

@GingerScallop

Weird response to you visit🤨 At the same time, this thread reminds me of me. Came to this country almost three years ago. I speak good English etc yet dispute efforts to make friends even joining many baby clubs, I have not managed to make friends (with the slight exception of one other foreign mum). Doesn't help am a bit of an introvert but I actually risked approaching several people to ask for a cuppa together, a walk with kids or not, but rebuffed. I have come to terms with the idea that this is no country for adult friendships but there are still times I blame/examine myself, feel sad at not having someone to share a cuppa with, knowing if I die only my husband and his family will care (my kids are too young. They will just be confused). The post and some of the responses remind me of that reality. I dare not take comfort from the more positive posts lest I raise my hopes only to be dashed again. I have lived in four countries and this is where I have really put myself out but had no response

It sounds like you've made lots of effort, so you've nothing to blame yourself for. Sometimes it just takes a while to find those close friendships. When I finally accepted I couldn't have children, I missed out on those mum friends other women my age were making. I joined loads of various groups and classes trying to fill that void, and while I met some nice people, I didn't make any meaningful friendships. It was only when I joined a hiking group and a running club that I finally made really good friends. But that took years. My point is, it can take a while, and it can take trying a few different things. Keep doing what you're doing.

Among the jokes and other posts on here, there are some helpful suggestions for ex pats. Try to root them out.

Wishing you all the best.

There is a online group Mums meet up, maybe suggest she could join this to chat to mums in her local area and once restrictions allow meet up.

I have joined mum groups and found them like a pack of wolves. So weirdly competitive. I have also been an expat. Found that you could pretty much divide expats into two groups - those that stayed inside bitching about what they missed from home, barely even looking out the window, and those that knew they were all in it together and were excited to see the world - friends for life/mothers-in-arms kind of thing. It’s a hard and lonely road if you choose the first way.

Wow! What a strange outcome to your visit to the neighbours.

Watching for updates. Have loved your responses to the be kind mob 😂

@NotAPanda, not sure it's more insular than others. It's quite diverse racially and economically though I must say in any baby group I joined, I was always one or two of the other race (would love to believe that wasn't a factor). May be my neighbourhood is full of the posters that wonder why a woman would want the company of another woman, or that they are not responsible for another's need for company/loneliness (not that I had planned to appoint a Loneliness Manager).

@Justilou1 some state out if the window missing home. Others like me make every effort but don't make inroads for whatever reason. I have been galloping around for 21 years and don't hanker for things at home. My attitude is always explore where you are. Every country has its quirks and many add up to the same human quirks.
Anyway, hope OP's neighbours will find a way. To be fair, from what I understand, loneliness is a big issue in the UK so....

I'd be telling him "No thank you" next time he decides to pester you.

I just read the updates how bizarre!

@AlTempleton

So then why are you so concerned that having one cup of tea with her will result in "more"?

Because I have a full and busy life as it is. I don't particularly want to add to it. However, as I've said several times now, I will invite them over for tea and cake.

And also because I'm concerned that the husband's solution to his wife having no friends is me. He's not invited my husband for tea. He's not interested in being neighbourly and friendly with both me and my husband - he just wants me to solve the problem of his lonely wife.

If a friendship happened organically then fine. But I don't want to feel pressured into a forced friendship and then the husband thinks his problem is solved and it's then on me. That's not fair on me or his wife, who, as it's been so kindly pointed out on this thread, may not even like me anyway.

This is classic triangulation OP.

Avoid!

He's made it clear that he is not going to be friendly, but he want's you to play an assigned role for him.

Who knows what kind of relationship him and his wife have but I wouldn't want to be part of this triangulation.

Op the wife may well feel her DH is setting her up!

A similar thing happened to me when someone I was friendly with asked me to take him to the doctors. I wondered why his wife wasn't taking him so I made it clear that I'd give him a lift but I wasn't going in to the surgery with him. I don't want to get in the way of his confidential business and have his wife think I'm overstepping the mark as a friend.
Anyway he pushed me into going in to the reception with me only to find his wife waiting there. She demanded of him why I was there and he said "I just want the two of you to be friends" - she was absolutely livid (I can't blame her) and barely spoke to me for ages!

il take the daffs if they are still going?!

though. You have tried OP, that is all you can do. I would be giving it the 'no thank you' now that the weird NDN's have lead the way with it.

This thread is hilarious! From the replies from folk who haven't RTFT to the batshit neighbour declining YOUR offer of tea! Op, just wanted to say you sound lovely and not at all heartless even though you have no kids . Just goes to show your instincts were spot on - he's not interested in getting to know you or your hubby, just thought you were the answer to his problem...