New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

I’ve just read the thread and the updates. I would feel uncomfortable if someone was pushing me to resolve his wife’s loneliness issues. I think it’s really nice though that you offered or were planning to do the cakes and tea thing. I was a people pleaser at one time and it left me feeling used and unhappy so now I am conscious of not “people pleasing” and I feel better for it and actually more genuine. If you don’t feel comfortable going round to a strangers house then don’t do it. He’s out of order expecting you to resolve this problem, it should be him helping her to join mums groups, classes, walking clubs etc. If they had taken you up on the cake and tea offer then a friendship may have developed naturally, which would not have felt so forced. The irony of all the be kinders giving you abuse on here as well, absolutely laughable.

agree with @burtonhouse you soundgreat op and post where you like

I personally think me being responsible for my neighbour's future suicide is up there as the best most unhinged comment, but husband disagrees and is pretty fond of the poster who said I don't belong on MN because I can't have children. He thought that was particularly kind of that poster to say.

As comments go, the latter is about as nasty as it gets.

There's a particular pattern emerging with a lot of the people using the repeated mantra (AKA extortion racket) known as #BeKind.

One common denominator is that it never requires being kind on their part. Another is that a lot of the people trotting out this meaningless platitude wouldn't know real kindness if it bit them on the posterior.

I would guess the husband or wife is on mumsnet.

And it does take a village and all that.

I think it is bonkers to think the husband is shirking his responsibility. He is trying to get his wife to meet some other women.

Thank god when I was abroad and trying to get my DH to meet another bloke he could have coffee or a beer with, people were sympathetic and friendly and didnt consider us strange or needy. Or make disparaging comments about me shirking my responsibility

@BurtonHouse

It's a shame you don't need any more friends: I'd like to be one. You sound funny, interesting and with the patience to not get too arsey with the self-righteous nobs who can't be bothered to rtft or think about how they would REALLY act under the same circs.

Thank you

@GabsAlot

agree with *@burtonhouse* you soundgreat op and post where you like

Thank you to you as well Not such a nest of vipers after all!

Bravo OP, you now have watertight response if annoying neighbour does not desist from his efforts you can respond that you are very busy with wfh and you like to spend your free time with your DH - hence the joint invitation.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion, my post was an attempt to counter the stuff about only women are asked to 'be kind"

I don't see whats wrong with helping another human being for half an hour.

What a sad , sad state of affairs. Have you ever felt vulnerable and been glad of a helping hand?

Use Google translate and a smile, it works wonders.

I somehow think new neighbour and his wife will be steering well clear of OP and her DH.

So OP can bask in her ‘kindness’ and not have to worry about being put out. And other posters can backslap and congratulate her for ‘standing her ground’ against a foreign neighbour and his non-English speaking wife

Thank god when I was abroad and trying to get my DH to meet another bloke he could have coffee or a beer with, people were sympathetic and friendly and didnt consider us strange or needy

I can't recall in any of my posts calling my neighbours strange or needy? Please do quote these posts though and I'll apologise if I'm wrong.

@goldielockdown2 OP, how many of the #bekindimgladimnotcoldlikeyou have messaged you for the details of this woman so they can reach out? I bet not one fucker has. 😂

@AlTempleton Not ONE of them!

LOL, I knew it. They are all full of shit.

@AlTempleton

I've been reading posts on here out to my husband and he's like this > I personally think me being responsible for my neighbour's future suicide is up there as the best most unhinged comment, but husband disagrees and is pretty fond of the poster who said I don't belong on MN because I can't have children. He thought that was particularly kind of that poster to say.

Seriously?! I missed both of those golden gems, as I haven't been on since mid afternoon. Someone said you could be personally responsible for your neighbour's SUICIDE? Fuck me. That's poster is every shade of unhinged.

And as for saying you don't belong here because you don't have children. How nasty and spiteful. I bet BOTH of these LOVELY posters have #BeKind tattooed on their butt cheeks, and think you're an evil cow, if you don't answer someone's text within 5 minutes of them sending it, and answer the door to every fucker who knocks, and invite them in for the morning or afternoon, entertain them, listen to their problems, and be their handmaid. Because it's a NICE thing to do, and it's KIND......

[quote randomer]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion, my post was an attempt to counter the stuff about only women are asked to 'be kind"

I don't see whats wrong with helping another human being for half an hour.

What a sad , sad state of affairs. Have you ever felt vulnerable and been glad of a helping hand?

Use Google translate and a smile, it works wonders.[/quote]
😂😂😂

What a load of rot.

This thread really is the gift that keeps on giving.......

@Sprining

I somehow think new neighbour and his wife will be steering well clear of OP and her DH.

So OP can bask in her ‘kindness’ and not have to worry about being put out. And other posters can backslap and congratulate her for ‘standing her ground’ against a foreign neighbour and his non-English speaking wife

Oh do grow up dear...

If they are on MN they must think either MNetters or possibly all Brits are totally bonkers. Two newcomers to the country ask their neighbour round for tea in their garden and posters variously accuse the guy of being a misogynist wanker instructing OP to amuse his wife, wanting an affair with OP, and having married a woman whose English is not good so that he can control her (?! he's also Spanish, they married in Spain ?!) then maybe murdering her as she didn't come to the door.

I have been that woman with young children who can’t speak the local language & doesn’t know anyone. It is horrible and I’ll never ever forget the ONE kind neighbour who did have a coffee with me (I didn’t latch onto her by the way, it just gave me hope I could settle in a bit). I am now heading back to the UK & hope people will be open minded about meeting new people/have room for new friends.

@ravenmum

If they are on MN they must think either MNetters or possibly all Brits are totally bonkers. Two newcomers to the country ask their neighbour round for tea in their garden and posters variously accuse the guy of being a misogynist wanker instructing OP to amuse his wife, wanting an affair with OP, and having married a woman whose English is not good so that he can control her (?! he's also Spanish, they married in Spain ?!) then maybe murdering her as she didn't come to the door.

Not as 'bonkers' as telling the OP she will be responsible for the neighbour's wife's suicide if she doesn't become her FRIEND (as a poster did earlier today.)

It's bad enough guilt tripping her into trying to befriend this woman who has never said a fucking word to her, but THAT insinuation was pure evil.

Oh yes, she commits suicide as well as being murdered I guess.

@ravenmum

Oh yes, she commits suicide as well as being murdered I guess.

WTF are you going on about?

Never underestimate the entitlement of a mediocre man when it comes to women's time and resources.

I wouldn't be hostile but be vague in terms of what her husband is doing in getting her to interact more within the neighbourhood. Forced association isn't socialization and isn't a recipe for friendship. Like a PP said I suspect he actually things women are just an amorphous blob where each woman is just a pseudopod not an actual distinct person.

Reminds me of the time when some so-called friends tried to get me to go back out with my recent ex 'because I was good for him'. No mention of the fact that he wasn't good for me.

WTF are you going on about?
I'll answer politely :) The weird things posters have come up with on this thread. One person said the Spanish lady might have been murdered.

@JohnMcCainsDeathStare

Good post. Couldn't agree more!

I'm wondering if he thought you and your husband were trying to sell him the flowers! Obviously he has seen you both separately but because it was out of the usual context perhaps he got confused? So strange.

Whatever city or town you are in there are usually groups online, she should find other Spanish people in the area, I'm sure this would benefit her more than her husband pushing his wife into friendships with neighbours.

Anyway keep a look out for her , he sounds loco.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I personally think me being responsible for my neighbour's future suicide is up there as the best most unhinged comment, but husband disagrees and is pretty fond of the poster who said I don't belong on MN because I can't have children. He thought that was particularly kind of that poster to say.

As comments go, the latter is about as nasty as it gets.

There's a particular pattern emerging with a lot of the people using the repeated mantra (AKA extortion racket) known as #BeKind.

One common denominator is that it never requires being kind on their part. Another is that a lot of the people trotting out this meaningless platitude wouldn't know real kindness if it bit them on the posterior.

Yeah the #BeKind brigade are often the first to complain at the slightest inconvenience to themselves. Most people are happy to help if needed (e.g I’ve lost my phone and needed to go into a shop and ask to use theirs). But the constant exortion of actively looking out for and being held responsible for someone else’s entire wellbeing is stupid. As is the advocating people pleasing behaviour with CF’s.

The husband has twice asked you to socialise with his wife and twice you have politely brushed him off. clearly he cannot take the hint and places no value on your wishes. In these circumstances I would be pretty annoyed if someone had not taken the hint and then asked me again. By asking you again he is aggressing against you and devaluing your reluctance. I would remind him that I had twice made it clear that I was busy and had little time and that I did not wish to discuss the subject again. Then remove myself quickly from the scene. Alternately ask your husband to confront him with an "Hey mate I dont like the way you keep pestering my wife" approach.