New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

OP, how many of the #bekindimgladimnotcoldlikeyou have messaged you for the details of this woman so they can reach out? I bet not one fucker has 😂

The problem with starting out on a road (socialising, invitations to tea and cake) is that its so much more difficult to desist when the next move comes. The rules of hospitality say that once they (as a couple) have been to you then they should invite you (both) back. Are you going to decline? If so how?

At least when he's asks again, you can quite confidently say "No thanks" and not feel rude. 😀

@memberofthewedding

The problem with starting out on a road (socialising, invitations to tea and cake) is that its so much more difficult to desist when the next move comes. The rules of hospitality say that once they (as a couple) have been to you then they should invite you (both) back. Are you going to decline? If so how?

I really agree with this.

I grew up where people were friendly, respectful and distant.
I liked the model.
I can't imagine anything worse than being involved with my lovely neighbours.
More than happy to help out but we hugely value our privacy.
Fortunately our neighbours, while lovely are similar.

[quote goldielockdown2 ]OP, how many of the #bekindimgladimnotcoldlikeyou have messaged you for the details of this woman so they can reach out? I bet not one fucker has 😂 [/quote]
None of them

@eatsleepread

And I wish the bloody miserable out there would stop referring to her as a 'problem'. She's a human being, FFS.

Human beings can definitely be problems :) you’re not perfect just for existing

Also the problem is actually her husband!

I've been reading posts on here out to my husband and he's like this > . I personally think me being responsible for my neighbour's future suicide is up there as the best most unhinged comment, but husband disagrees and is pretty fond of the poster who said I don't belong on MN because I can't have children. He thought that was particularly kind of that poster to say.

He's especially enjoying each new poster who comes along and offers the brand new, never heard before, insight that I should spare 20 mins and have a cup of tea with my neighbour

Have to say I'm a little concerned that the woman is not allowed to go out or socialise except with a suitable chaperone.
Have you ever seen her out?

Not saying it's your problem to deal with but I would keep an eye out for her.

You've gone above and beyond op.
Very kind of you and your DH.

Bizzare,

How rude of the husband to cut you dead and say "no thanks" after previously asking for your help/assistance in being friendly towards his wife.

I would say avoid, after this embarrasing social encounter but he sounds completely hatstand and thereby would make this situation to me, intriguing.
I personally love crazy neighbours.

@AlTempleton

I've been reading posts on here out to my husband and he's like this > . I personally think me being responsible for my neighbour's future suicide is up there as the best most unhinged comment, but husband disagrees and is pretty fond of the poster who said I don't belong on MN because I can't have children. He thought that was particularly kind of that poster to say.

He's especially enjoying each new poster who comes along and offers the brand new, never heard before, insight that I should spare 20 mins and have a cup of tea with my neighbour

Haha. Please direct that poster to the Women's Right forum so she can declare that to them. grin I'm sure that would go down fantastically.

@jellybellybanana

You are very cold. I'm happy not to be like that

Very cold? Inviting her new neighbours over for tea and cake, and giving them home grown flowers is very cold?
Are you drunk?

@jellybellybanana That's brilliant. They keep on coming.

If the husband brings out up again if just be really frank and say something like 'I'm really sorry to hear she is lonely and finding things hard but I don't have much free time and I'm not going to be able to offer the kind of friendship or support she really needs for her situation, I don't want to give the impression I could do I thought I'd be clear. I think she needs to connect with fellow mum's who are in a similar position and I hope she finds that'.

I think for people who persistently fish for something you can't offer a sympathetic rebuffal is best to nip it in the bud.

@Mistystar99

Why is it always women who have to be kind and friendly when they don't want to be?! Her husband needs do something about his wife's loneliness other than delegate tasks out to women he doesn't even know. Instead of gardening and running and bossing you about, why doesn't he take his wife out himself a bit?

^^this.

Whoops posted too quickly. I see this thread has moved on, a lot.
How weird of him. Glad she is in fact still alive. Can't wait for updates!

He’s at work and she’s at home alone. Her husband probably thinks she’s lonely for a woman’s company. It’s the woman’s job in this case because she’s another woman.

@AlTempleton

He didn't even take the daffodils off me. I've butchered my spring bulbs for nothing!

Is the husband on Mumsnet...??

The update on the husband’s response is totally totally insane. What a strange man - how rude and entitled of him!

@BigFatLiar

No pampas grass .... And I'm also a bit afraid to ask what this means!

I believe in ye olde days pampas grass was a sign of a swingers household. Glad I didn't know this as we had PG when we bought a house first.

Ahhhhh I totally didn’t get that. Thank you!

I’ve only read the pp’s posts. I don’t get how you’re supposed to make friends with the neighbour when she knows how to say hi and basic greetings only. I mean, how’s your Spanish?! 🤣 If the neighbour thinks you’re a Spanish speaker, then I understand why he’d be so desperate to have you round. 🇪🇸

Are we sure the wife even is lonely? Sounds more like she has a Husband with Important Hobbies, is pissed off with him for swanning off running and leaving her alone with the baby, and his solution is to get her a new friend, so she stops nagging.

Kind of like buying a second dog to stop your existing one from chewing things while you’re at work.

Obviously he has no interest in making new friends himself - he is busy. He has Hobbies.

The DH is just fucking rude!! I wouldn't be making any further effort, and if he corners you again and asks you to befriend his wife again, I'd call him on it.

sorry to rant im so fed up of the be kind movement
so i have to go out of my way to be friends with every single person in my street like a fucking disney movie incase theyre depressed?

guess what im depressed and i dont wanna fucking talk to the neighbours

oh and cancel the daffodils op

It's a shame you don't need any more friends: I'd like to be one. You sound funny, interesting and with the patience to not get too arsey with the self-righteous nobs who can't be bothered to rtft or think about how they would REALLY act under the same circs.