New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

This thread is a rollercoaster.
At least you can say “no thank you” next time.
OP you sound really cool and if you were my neighbour I’d deffo accept the coffee and cake.. and hopefully wine 🍷

@Novelusername

Is this him?

Bingo!

I agree that it's not your problem. He needs to help his wife meet people she may have something in common with and make friends with.

It's not good enough to think Ah. A female neighbour who is 38. My wife is the same age. Why don't you two get together?

It's ridiculously like having an only child and trying to arrange play dates for them with the neighbourhood kids.

@BigFatLiar

No pampas grass .... And I'm also a bit afraid to ask what this means!

I believe in ye olde days pampas grass was a sign of a swingers household. Glad I didn't know this as we had PG when we bought a house first.

Interesting! Where we sometimes walk there's a field of pampas grass. I thought it was for the pheasants to hide in. But now I wonder if it's for the pheasant pluckers!

• How can you be sure the woman at the window was his wife, and not some other poor soul he has lured round to "meet his wife"?!?

He might have a whole collection of them in there.*

This is the comment of the thread! Maybe there’s no wife, and the first woman he entices to come round becomes the wife...

Further update.

My mean husband and I have just been out walking the dogs. Wife is sat at the living room window again. No sign of husband. No pampass grass either.

Places where women are less likely to work after having children:

The Middle East and much of the Muslim world in fact

www.washingtonpost.com/news/worldviews/wp/2014/02/13/where-women-work-and-dont-a-map-of-female-labor-force-participation-around-the-world/

@Mistystar99

Why is it always women who have to be kind and friendly when they don't want to be?! Her husband needs do something about his wife's loneliness other than delegate tasks out to women he doesn't even know. Instead of gardening and running and bossing you about, why doesn't he take his wife out himself a bit?

This a million times over!! Be kind!!!

What about the OP being kind to herself?

Now my money in on the wife being some kind of master criminal boss lady, who has a hold over her husband snd wreaks a terrible revenge on him.

She sends him out on impossible missions and laughs and belittles him when he comes home having not succeeded.

Between missions, she forces him to do the household chores dressed only in a single feather. He dares not allow anyone in

He is desperate to be rescued.

The last place we lived in was within a very multicultural area, for many, English was a second language, with some speaking very little, and unable to read and write even the simple things such as a note for School, or the instructions on a food packet.
Most knew me simply by seeing me in my Nurses uniform dashing in and out of the house between shifts. I can understand and sympathise on the reasons that the OP did not want to become involved with a close friendship with these neighbours, whilst trying to lead a busy life herself.
There were times where some people thought that my front door was a substitute for the local A&E, others where a couple having a ‘Domestic argument’ thought that l was best placed to sort their squabbling out, and take sides, which l never did, and even one who expected my ‘Come for a Cup of Tea’ invitation from them would include some extra free language tuition for their non-English speaking Children!

it also put me in a difficult position professionally. Whilst l did my best to help in an emergency, getting it right from someone unable to communicate easily, could be very difficult at times. One such time was when my Neighbour came banging on my Door one evening, saying in broken English what l understood to be ‘My Wife She Painting’ which l thought he wanted to borrow some decorating equipment, but he soon took hold of my arm and be cond me outside and across to his house.
What he ment was she was Fainting, and was actually still out cold on the lounge floor. He then stated pleading with me ‘No Ambulance’!
I later found out that their culture forbids the Consumption of Alcohol, they had been having one heck of a fall out, and she had decided to drink half a bottle of Vodka, which made him believe that she was Fainting, when in fact she had committed a big crime to their religion of actually being as Drunk as a Skunk and had vomited all over the lounge floor!

On another occasion l went to the aid of someone who had come off his motorbike at the end of our Road, and was showing signs of having broken his hip. Again the Language barrier was a problem, but l needed to check this mans leg and arms for further injuries and the source of the bleeding. As l was doing this, an oldish Asian Lady started Attacking me, she strongly objected to me touching her husband, and partly my fault, but she did not realise that l was a Trained Nurse just trying to help.
I was Grateful when the police and Ambulance arrived, l handed the patient over to them, and somehow the Lady then understood what l had actually been doing and not that l was out to Rob her Husband of his Belongings like she first thought!

We left the area a couple of years later, and moved to a more rural area, and l got a ‘Plain clothes’ type of Job by then. If anyone asked what l did for a living, l just said that l was employed by a large London based Charity’ which was true, but l was always very guarded at explaining what l actually did other than that for fear of a repeat of what went on at my old Address!

@AlTempleton

Well that scuppers our theory the pair wanted you and only you.....

You did more than I would @AlTempleton.

My assessment of this stupid situation would be:

Man wants to do man-things.
Man thinks of women as another homogenous species -all a woman needs is another woman to be friends with, any woman, we're all the same.
Man decides to "fix" wife by finding her a friend, rather than changing his own life in any way that might help her to find hers.

I would have said something like, "it's lovely to meet you (both), I hope you like the area as much as we do. The best way to settle in and find people with common interests would be probably be through (insert local community facebook page here, local library, community centre). I imagine it would be really good place to look into how to find others with babies and similar interests. Good luck!".....aaaaannnnd cheerio.

Another tactic is asking more questions than you answer.

Man: would you like to come and keep my wife company?
You: What kind of company do you think your wife is looking for?
Man: Woman company.
You: What kind of woman? What interests does your wife have?
Man: Looking after baby and feeding me.
You: Has she looked into mother and baby groups?
Man: No
You: Do you think that might be the best place to start?
Man: Ummm...
You: Do you think she'd like to meet people with similar interests?

Etc etc....until Man realises that he probably should have put more thought into the stupid situation.

I really don't think this situation is what is meant with the "Be Kind" message. Starting up some awkward obligated contact isn't being kind. Having a boundary that re-directs the woman toward groups where she might actually find meaningful friendships is far kinder.

So the sad lonely wifey is still sitting looking out of the window? Doesn't she have spices to grind or something? Or daffodils to crush?

How do non binary people cope with this angst? I would like to be kind, but I can't because only half of me is female maybe?

Blimey, @SavannahLands, that sounds like my absolute worst nightmare. I think I'd rather live in cardboard box under a flyover.

Have RTFT and think your hubs is right.
He probs wants someone to do stuff for his wife for free as well (e.g if she’s not very good at English presumably you might help with errands etc) but doesn’t want the burden of a friendship.
Also support covers defined actions such as helping a sick neighbour with shopping. NOT a vague umbrella of ‘friendship’ under which a lot of ridiculous demands are often smuggled.
Unless the wife is being actively abused she chose to move to a new country with her husband and it’s their job to sort it out.
@AlTempleton don’t feel guilty.
As pp have pointed out women are always made to feel guilty and responsible for the well-being of everyone around them. Men bloody well don’t give a shit! Explains why most of them are so happy while we’re constantly anxious , overwhelmed and burnt out.

@Mistystar99

Why is it always women who have to be kind and friendly when they don't want to be?! Her husband needs do something about his wife's loneliness other than delegate tasks out to women he doesn't even know. Instead of gardening and running and bossing you about, why doesn't he take his wife out himself a bit?

@Mistystar99

Best post today.

@randomer

So the sad lonely wifey is still sitting looking out of the window? Doesn't she have spices to grind or something? Or daffodils to crush?

How do non binary people cope with this angst? I would like to be kind, but I can't because only half of me is female maybe?

What the fuck is this post all about. Also which half of you is female may I ask, top or bottom, left or right?

Well I think you’ve tried with your daffs and friendly approach.
Sadly I think it’s what you said... the husband just wants you to resolve his problem of his bored / depressed wife which is quite sad but with minimum effort himself ☹️

So this guy expects you to make an effort with his wife, but he can’t actually be bothered himself... cheeky!

Iwould not like to be shoehorned into doing something that you don't wish to do. You are not being unkind to your neighbour at all, but you are not responsible for her loneliness. I you were to have a cup of tea with her,she may well feel that she would like this,on a regular basis.

I think that her Husband should try and encourage his wife, to take some little steps, and get out and about.so that she can get used to seeing people,maybe other young Mothers with a baby,maybe just saying hello to people.

She may not wish to get involved with baby clubs etc,if she lacks confidence,but being out and about,with the weather getting better, will make her feel better.

And I wish the bloody miserable out there would stop referring to her as a 'problem'. She's a human being, FFS.

You are very cold. I'm happy not to be like that

Very cold? Inviting her new neighbours over for tea and cake, and giving them home grown flowers is very cold?
Are you drunk?

It's not your responsibility OP, and if you don't have time, then you can't. Doesn't the husband know anyone with wives and children, I'm sure he must. Why can't he introduce her to his friends and their wives.
Next time you're asked just say that you don't have time. Don't explain why, or he'll,carry on trying to persuade you. He's asking repetitively because he just expects you to. I wouldn't

Cheeky husband, delegating this onto you. I would avoid taking any step into this, because if you do, more will be expected, and it will be even more difficult to get out of the situation.