New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

No pampas grass .... And I'm also a bit afraid to ask what this means!

I believe in ye olde days pampas grass was a sign of a swingers household. Glad I didn't know this as we had PG when we bought a house first.

@Mistystar99

Why is it always women who have to be kind and friendly when they don't want to be?! Her husband needs do something about his wife's loneliness other than delegate tasks out to women he doesn't even know. Instead of gardening and running and bossing you about, why doesn't he take his wife out himself a bit?

Because how many young mums or women in general, for that matter, get to know others when they're out with their husbands?

I would find the time to pop over or invite her over to your garden for a cup of tea or a glass of wine. You might get on, your might not, but what's the harm in giving it a try?

@HeraInTheHereAndNow

Years ago, when my son was around 16 months, we moved 200 miles away for DH’s job. There was no choice. Had to leave friends and family behind and even visiting was a mammoth act, at that distance.

Thank. God. For the one kind neighbour who lived two doors down and who included me in stuff and never once made me feel a burden. My son was a difficult child (later diagnosed with autism) and I was desperately alone. No language difficulty but isolated and dreadfully sad.

We moved again, 7 yrs later. Had to start over AGAIN.

I’d say, if you possibly can, reach out to her.

The op has reached out with flowers and invitation, both were declined, door shut in her face.

The husband is obviously now keeping his wife under lock and key.

We await updates with bated breath.

Cancel the cheque

@AlTempleton

He didn't even take the daffodils off me. I've butchered my spring bulbs for nothing!

Well, that's the weirdest outcome I've ever read!

Maybe he doesn't actually want to have anything much to do with his wife at all?

I think your neighbour fancies you and your husband turning up with you has scuppered his dastardly plans (twirls mustache).

His aim was to make you and his wife friends, so you'd become a presence in his home. Then one day she would be out and he would be there.... alone. Dressed in nothing but a guitar and a flower in his teeth!

Its all clear now. Your husband has cooled his ardour and he is now rebuffed.

Ok put yourself in her shoes, you have moved abroad, got a small child, don’t speak the language well, and are stuck in the house. How would you feel if a neighbour ignored you?

I'd feel like that was perfectly normal and I was a bit odd for expecting random people to be my instant friends just because we lived near each other?

OP, you don't have to do anything at all. Its not your job to make this woman, or anyone else, comfortable/happy/less lonely. No-one would expect anything from a man in this situation.

Fuck, it looked like a one pager when I commented, don't know what happened. Cancel the cheque.

Just read your update re your daffodils and your invite for cake and tea. So he just wants you and his wife/baby to get together. His straight refusal was interesting! Hmmm, i still wonder if that's what his wife wants? Anyway, nice gesture, OP, you've both offered but that's not what he wants. If he keeps suggesting you go round to his wife, cut him off and remind him of the invite for both of them 😀

@Chloemol

Ok put yourself in her shoes, you have moved abroad, got a small child, don’t speak the language well, and are stuck in the house. How would you feel if a neighbour ignored you? Most people talk to at least one of their neighbours

Be kind, go for a cup of tea in the garden, you can discuss the area with her, tell her what’s about, etc etc

The emotional load of resolving a stranger's loneliness is not on the OP.

They might both have been hopeful that the new neighbour would he a solution to this and, were their circumstances similar, it might have worked. But the OP has described a lifestyle that is very different to this stranger's and they are unlikely to have much, if anything, in common.

If the OP were also looking to make friends then this might be a solution all round. But she's not.

I also work full time, have a busy life and my children are older teens/adults. If a friendship were to develop naturally, then fair enough, but I wouldn't appreciate a stranger's husband trying to fix me up on playdates with his bored, lonely, sahm (of young children) wife either. If I'm honest.

It's not the job of women to look after everyone else.

Maybe she won't like you op and will do all in her power to avoid you 🤣 i'd go tho as a one off to be friendly, sounds like she has a caring husband too which is good for her. Sounds like he has concerns.

Maybe the took the “it’s very kind of you” comments as a snub and decided you weren’t the nice neighbour they thought you were hence the rejection of your invite.

Perhaps this pathetic figure staring out of the window with her broken English, is infact an astrophysicist or a brain surgeon or innovator of some sorts.

For the love of God, what a sad species we have become. Just smile and wave, spend 10 minutes with her and give her a few ideas for places to go.

OP, what is the ethnicity of this mystery couple?

What a weirdo your neighbour is. Obviously he isn't interested in spending any time at all with your husband. As for rejecting the flowers, I have no theory at all on that one.

It's obvious to me what happened. The wife saw op and dh walking up the path and screamed at her husband that no way was she going to have anything to do with them and JUST SAY NO!!!
Or, it is definitely possible that he is kidnapping women. One or the other.

I think this thread is interesting because it points out how the world has changed.

Maybe the neighbours come from a world more like ours used to be a long time ago where all the men went out to work and all the women stayed home with children and the concept that OP is working and doesn't stay at home with children being available to host coffee mornings and welcome new neighbours doesn't occur to him.

Until I had a child I didn't know my neighbours or my local area because I was always at work.
When I had DC that was when I got to know more people and got more involved because I was spending more time at home and it was mutually beneficial and of more interest to me.

When I first moved here as a junior Dr I quite literally would not have had any time or energy at all to welcome new neighbours, would not have had a clue about or any interest in babies and children. I think my contribution to the community was via work and paying taxes at that time and if I was a man that would be unremarkable.

On the other hand communities do need people who welcome others, run voluntary groups and look out for vulnerable people. That's traditionally been women especially SAHMs and I'd be sad if that community spirit and community work was lost. I think my hope is that in today's world men can be the community workers and volunteers just as much as women.
I see a bit of that happening here eg our PTA chair was a man recently for the first time in forever
There's a bit of lip service in some big companies to workers getting time out for community service but I wish that was more of a standard so that it was everyone's job to support the community not just women.

I think people who are saying 'what is the world coming to if people won't invite a neighbour for a coffee' are right in a way but are missing the angle about why should it be OP any more than OP's DH who has that social responsibility?

It should have been a nice resolution to the dilemma that they went round together but I guess real life isn't always like that.

I do reckon neighbours saw the thread.

Plot twist - the husband shows up in this thread and individually asks the 'nicer' Mumsneters to befriend his wife.....after all, they're all so keen, welcoming and generous with their time............aren't they?

Maybe the neighbours come from a world more like ours used to be a long time ago where all the men went out to work and all the women stayed home with children and the concept that OP is working and doesn't stay at home with children being available to host coffee mornings and welcome new neighbours doesn't occur to him

I can only assume you think they come from a parallel universe?

I think there are still a lot of parts of the world where women working after having children isn't the norm.

Hell I think there are parts of U.K. society where a woman working FT after having children isn't the norm.

I still felt hugely judged for working full time with a baby 10 years ago and I get comments most weeks at work about wouldn't I rather/ shouldn't I be home with my kids.

So no not another planet at all.

I think there are still a lot of parts of the world where women working after having children isn't the norm

Like where? It is the norm pretty much everywhere that some women do and some women don't, but even in places where its less likely there is no-one who hasn't heard of such a concept.

plus, they're Spanish. Women with kids in Spain work

READ THE THREAD PEOPLE OR AT LEAST THE OP UPDATES 🙄

I think you should do as you please OP - sadly whatever you say 65, 879 readers will tell you to just be kind and ignore everything you say!

Having read the update it’s clear this man expected you to keep his wife company while having nothing else to do with you.

Is this him?