New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

@Ginevere

Fascinating update OP. As I and others have said, clearly he just wants you to take the emotional burden of his wife without him having to socialise with your husband!

I beg you, ignore the ‘be kinders’ and update and let us know if he asks you to talk to her again! Are you planning what you’ll say if he does?

I've no idea what I'd say now! This thread was meant to give me that answer!

Joking aside, I think I'd just politely decline. I'm not having a scenario where he refuses to make an effort with my husband but expects me to be friends with his wife. That's just rude. I'll carry on being friendly to them both when we bump into them, take parcels in etc. But leave it there.

I would just have a cup of tea with the poor woman. Shame. Sometimes it's nice to do something for others.

How utterly bizarre that he didn’t even accept the flowers!

Has he ever seen your husband before? I wonder if he didn’t recognise you out of context and git flustered and was not able to follow what you were saying (perhaps his English not so good when he is caught on the hop with no time to prepare). Thought you were door to door chuggers or something and the daffs were like when ladies try to give you white heather?

In any event you are totally off the hook now, your conscience is clear. And if he does come up to you again and ask you to visit his wife you can be very clear and say “we offered and you sent us away”.

I'm looking forward to more updates when he next sees you alone (I've rtft)

@BigFatLiar

Shall I update on here every Sunday as well to get my weekly reminder of what an unkind person I am?

Good idea though we all know you're unkind as all mumsnetters are vipers.
On the other hand to stick to MN form few come back and update

I hereby promise to come back and update if anything else happens

Jesus Christ, some of these comments are insane:

1. Read the full thread. OP and her DP have invited both for coffee and been turned down.
2. Since when did it become OPs job to do research and arrive at their house armed with information about health visitors and baby clubs? Do you not think the new neighbours have ever heard of the fucking internet?
3. It is not OP’s job to befriend anyone she doesn’t want to befriend, and that’s assuming this woman even wants to be befriended.

OP has tried. Her overtures of friendship were rebuffed. At least you’re off the hook now.

Haha - that'll teach me to rush and not read the thread. What a strange man. I'd still probably try and see her though as I'd be worrying about it otherwise!

My husband now thinks the male neighbour doesn't want to be bothered with making friends with us, he just wants me to be friends with his wife and to leave him out of it.

Your husband is correct.

This was always about a lazy husband trying to relinquish responsibility to his wife. He may also have been hoping to kill two birds with one stone and make contact with a female neighbour and test the waters and at the presence of your husband he has backed right off.

Did he literally say nothing other than “no thank you”, twice?. Not “oh hello Al” with a glimmer of recognition, or any small talk about the weather? It does sound like the kind of thing you would say to door to door salespeople.

@sprining

Oh come off it! Accepting a parcel is not the same as having a conversation with another human being or the implications of having her husband think you should be an unpaid extension of social services. He's already been weird about it and that would be enough to put me off.

Have idly discussed this with dh.

Need to know if your neighbour has pampas grass in their garden. If yes - there’s your answer 😉

@HaveringWavering

How utterly bizarre that he didn’t even accept the flowers!

Has he ever seen your husband before? I wonder if he didn’t recognise you out of context and git flustered and was not able to follow what you were saying (perhaps his English not so good when he is caught on the hop with no time to prepare). Thought you were door to door chuggers or something and the daffs were like when ladies try to give you white heather?

In any event you are totally off the hook now, your conscience is clear. And if he does come up to you again and ask you to visit his wife you can be very clear and say “we offered and you sent us away”.

Yes he's met my husband a few times! And his English is excellent.

It's really odd though - why on earth not take the daffodils and accept the invite!
You tried OP, nothing else you can do.

If anything he's met my husband out and about many more times than me as my husband is always outside pottering doing jobs on the house and so on.

This man has no intentions of being friends with you or your husband, he just wants someone he can dump his wife onto. I'd be keeping a very wide berth.

@roarfeckingroarr

I'm looking forward to more updates when he next sees you alone (I've rtft)

Thank you for reading the full thread

Very odd!

Perhaps they have been reading this thread?

@Bargebill19

Have idly discussed this with dh.

Need to know if your neighbour has pampas grass in their garden. If yes - there’s your answer 😉

No pampas grass .... And I'm also a bit afraid to ask what this means!

Totally get that, it is massively rude of him to make repeated demands on your time regarding his wife but shut the door in your face the minute your husband shows up.

I’d be tempted to go one of two ways if he comes back;

I’d either look a bit puzzled and say “oh, I assumed you’d changed your mind about that since you’d declined my invitation for coffee the other day?” In the hope that he explained himself.

The immature part of me would say “No thank you.”

Both great options!

But the Op doesn’t have to ‘be kind’ if she doesn’t feel like it.

That's rather the point, though, isn't it? To me, a kindness can be exactly that. Moving past the "I don't feel like it" and doing something good anyway.

Christ, this thread is depressing. So many people who simply don't give a shit about the people (literally) next door who could use some support.

Show up every Sunday with sandwiches and a pot of tea.
And say

go on
go on
go on
go on

@KBILLY

But the Op doesn’t have to ‘be kind’ if she doesn’t feel like it.

That's rather the point, though, isn't it? To me, a kindness can be exactly that. Moving past the "I don't feel like it" and doing something good anyway.

Christ, this thread is depressing. So many people who simply don't give a shit about the people (literally) next door who could use some support.

I tell you what's really depressing is the amount of people who can't comprehend that sometimes on MN threads move on and more stuff happens past the first few posts.

Ha your thread has attracted the virtue signallers - excellent 😁.

You should be ashamed of yourself op you should do what the online virtue signallers surely would - teach yourself Spanish, research local mother and baby groups and head over for a “cuppa” (Christ I hate that term) to fulfil your unpaid and unthanked role as a community support worker. You are a woman after all - come on step up BEKIND

@RantyAnty

Show up every Sunday with sandwiches and a pot of tea. And say

go on
go on
go on
go on

Oh stop it

I just read this out to my husband and now he really wants to do it.

(Not really - he's joking before the unkind brigade tell me my husband is mean.)

Would be great if MN put a banner at the top along the lines of “we suggest you read all OP’s posts before contributing to this thread because more information may have been provided or the matter may already have been resolved, and your efforts may be wasted. To read all OP’s posts, click here”.