New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

OP, I clearly have way too much time on my hands today because I'm going to read some other posts on this thread for a laugh 😂😂😂

Wow. I'd love to know what his motive is.

Hi OP, I have sort of been in a similar situation, my husband friend married a women who doesn’t speak very good English and was new to the UK so was lonely. Coupled with the fact with have literally nothing in common and I’m quite an insular person who has my core friends etc.

Personally, I make an effort on occasion, include her and spend some time with her. It’s kind and ultimately unless you move away you are not getting away from them.

A half hour of your time in the garden over a cup of tea once a month is not a lot and it would probably mean the world to her in a lonely place. She will ultimately make her own friends (probably from her home country), in my case this happened anyway.

@EarthSight

OP, I clearly have way too much time on my hands today because I'm going to read some other posts on this thread for a laugh 😂😂😂

Enjoy

For all my claiming of how busy my life is, I've spent pretty much all day on this thread 😂 I thought it was going to be a quick read of a few suggestions this morning!

@Shedbuilder
I never expected anything. I hoped. And, as I said, it was rather other neighbours who raised expectations and then never followed through.
I couldn't and can't offer my neighbours anything because I am a full time SAHM to a little one. I had ppd. I'm not such a supermother that I can take on dog walks and grass cutting on top of that.
Anyway this wasn't about me. I am not seeking sympathy, but most of the replies here have no idea what it's like to walk in that woman's shoes. I just wanted to provide insight.

Just to add, seeing as there's been posts about why her husband isn't helping her - that's precisely what he's trying to do.

It's clear he recognises it's never healthy for your only social life to be your partner. Yet he's been vilified for it as 'why isn't he doing x y or z with her'. I'm sure he is, along with providing for his family it seems.

Yes but there are many ways to meet people in life, knocking on a stangers door and asking them to spend time with your spouse isn't one of them. It's weird and not appropriate at all. I mean has anyone ever knocked on your door and said hello I've just moved in can you come and befriend my spouse please? No because it's weird.

What he should have done was invite OP and her DH over for a coffee or a drink, then if they get on, great. That would have at least been relatively normal.

Strange. Maybe you caught him at a bad time.

See what happens when your OH mentions it anyway.

As for future friendships, I think a fortnightly cup of tea together is ok, not too frequent and just enough but of course it depends if you actually get on and have anything in common.

Does your neighbourhood have a WhatsApp or FB group she can join? I'm in a local FB group and a WhatsApp group for my street so if there's something similar then she may be able to join and meet people/hobbies she enjoys.

I read this and at first I felt the same as OP. Then I thought--- I know a refugee from an African country and he tells me how lonely life is here. Our culture is lonely. We keep ourselves to ourselves, no social obligation, rarely living with extended family, not so much community going on etc. He still really struggles. I can imagine how lonely this woman might feel. Sometimes it is good to break out of our comfort zone and reach out. You might get a good friend from it.

If the neighbour approaches you again OP I say sorry I don’t speak English.

@Shedbuilder part 2
Never have I ever been "passive" and I don't see how my post could possibly convey that. I go out every day and try to connect and have conversations all the time. I put myself out there. I never expected people to come to me. It would have been great, of course.
But since I have my little one always pulling on my trousers, that's as much as I can do right now. How am I supposed to do diy with a 14 month old?
Anyway that's by the by... I don't think you really got the jist, is all.

I think to make up for him pestering you, you and your husband should pester him with daffodils every Sunday.

@Alcemeg

I think to make up for him pestering you, you and your husband should pester him with daffodils every Sunday.

Shall I update on here every Sunday as well to get my weekly reminder of what an unkind person I am?

@rookiemere

I'd rather spend the half hour researching mother and toddler groups rather than having tea with someone I have nothing in common with and don't have the time or desire to build a closer friendship with.

I'd scribble down a few options and next time he asks reply with "Oh yes I've been thinking about what you said. I'm really busy with wfh and the animals, but here's the number for a few local mother and toddler groups, that might be really helpful for your DW to build up her social circle. Byeee"

That way you never get asked again, but have provided a legitimate solution to the problem.

@rookiemere

Or you could not do either and realise that a man assigning a random woman with no children a job that he himself could be doing is a bit........1950s? I mean Jesus, they're not children or dogs. It shouldn't be like 'My wife's lonely. I KNOW! There a female living next door! I'll see if she can come over and play with my female!!

There! 30mins saved (and probably a lot more time that).

Neither*

Where's the edit button Mumsnet??

@Anydreamwilldo12

Wow. I'd love to know what his motive is.

I suspect he didn't want to be part of the setup and just wanted the wives to get in with it.

He's probably a bit like OP and has his own things going on by the sounds of it. At least OP had the good grace to make an effort and kind gesture, along with her DH. It's a shame he, male neighbour, doesn't seem to see that he would play a useful part in brokering the relationship seeing as his DW doesn't speak English.

Fascinating update OP. As I and others have said, clearly he just wants you to take the emotional burden of his wife without him having to socialise with your husband!

I beg you, ignore the ‘be kinders’ and update and let us know if he asks you to talk to her again! Are you planning what you’ll say if he does?

I have been asked to befriend someone and it is hard work if you're not naturally drawn to them or have interests in common. However, it would be a kind and generous thing to do. You never know, you may get along really well.

Shall I update on here every Sunday as well to get my weekly reminder of what an unkind person I am?

Good idea though we all know you're unkind as all mumsnetters are vipers.
On the other hand to stick to MN form few come back and update

@AlTempleton

*Weird.

I hope he hasn't murdered her.*

We saw her at the living room window as we walked past. Definitely still alive!

At the moment. He is probably keeping her prisoner.

Do please give regular updates, it's fascinating.

How can you be sure the woman at the window was his wife, and not some other poor soul he has lured round to "meet his wife"?!?

He might have a whole collection of them in there.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Some posters have made a massive leap to him making the op responsible for his wife's happiness.

For 'massive leap' read 'logical deduction'. His wife is lonely: there are all manner of things he, as her husband, could do to help her. Instead he goes for the nearest and easiest option, the one right on this doorstep (the OP). She makes it clear in the politest way possible that she's not interested. What does he do? Does he take 'no' for an answer? No, of course he doesn't. He's seen an easy solution so he continues pushing, regardless of the earlier 'no' and to hell with whether or not it makes her uncomfortable.

Male privilege in action. They really don't like it when women say 'no'. Of course this is shunting responsibility for his wife's wellbeing onto OP - with a nice bit of emotional blackmail thrown in: 'because she's lonely'. What else would you call it?

FFS, if you just don't have it in you to show a little compassion then bloody own it.

Fine. In these circumstances - were I the OP - I bloody well own it. Unrepentantly so.

No. The word is 'no'.

This

@marielvanarklestinks

If he asks again, I'd consider smiling and saying, "No, thank you!" just as he did to your kind invitation!

Alright, I'd probably feel unable to be so blunt, but it would be no more than he deserves. He's a weird one!

Oh my God this threat is so funny 😂😂😂

Right, all these posters who are being sanctimonious - I really reckon the OP should note down all your usernames and suggest to this neighbour that she has loads of women out there online willing to befriend her and help her with her English. Befriend to your heart's content and show us all file example of what upstanding individuals you are.

Years ago, when my son was around 16 months, we moved 200 miles away for DH’s job. There was no choice. Had to leave friends and family behind and even visiting was a mammoth act, at that distance.

Thank. God. For the one kind neighbour who lived two doors down and who included me in stuff and never once made me feel a burden. My son was a difficult child (later diagnosed with autism) and I was desperately alone. No language difficulty but isolated and dreadfully sad.

We moved again, 7 yrs later. Had to start over AGAIN.

I’d say, if you possibly can, reach out to her.

I really couldn't be arsed with someone else trying to build a friendship with a third party. As we move out of lockdown, I will be prioritising my family and friends.

If he asks you again I would ask why he said no to your invitation. I would just say you want different things. I wouldn't commit to babysitting someone's wife. She might not even want to to this.

I like my neighbours and am polite and friendly. I have helped with online shopping and have taken some baking around. I don't want to socialise with them. I'm happy to keep the relationships where they are.