New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

@Whatalottachocca

Having read many posts on here, it seems that lots of people are keen to use the hashtag “behind” on social media but aren’t actually keen on acting on it. It’s sad.

I NEVER use this stupid fuckwit of a bastard hashtag. #BEKIND (or #behind for that matter.')

It's a twattish hashtag that should be consigned to the history books.

I am kind and generous in my own way, on my own terms, and when I have time, and can give part of myself. No-one on here knows me or what I do for my family, my friends, my neighbours, my community, my pets, the wild animals and birds in my area, or ANYone. Whatever I do - or DON'T do, is for me to decide, not for some random fecker on mumsnet to dictate, and tell me I am a callous bitch because I won't be told what do.

I don't appreciate being told that if I don't care to befriend a new neighbour and go have coffees with her, that I am a stinking old mean and nasty cow.

@EmmaGrundyForPM

I would help her get in contact with baby groups etc.

Hopefully she will start picking up English but it must be very hard got her at the moment with nothing really open.

@emmagrundyforpm

And the reason why a woman (who is still a stranger despite being her neighbour and doesn't have children) should be doing this instead of this woman's own husband is because......?

@Mistystar99

Why is it always women who have to be kind and friendly when they don't want to be?! Her husband needs do something about his wife's loneliness other than delegate tasks out to women he doesn't even know. Instead of gardening and running and bossing you about, why doesn't he take his wife out himself a bit?

My thoughts exactly. This man is not your boss, he has no claim on your time or energies. If he doesn't want his wife to be lonely, maybe he should reassess his career path and stop imposing this lifestyle on her.

And just checking the thread before posting (because so often by the time I've typed the thread has moved on somewhat) I see you've gone round there, husband in tow, and he blanked the pair of you. And I agree with the posters suggesting it's because as far as he was concerned he'd delegated his wife to you and had no interest in being involved in any way.

He's a wanker. I pity his wife, but pity still doesn't make her your responsibility.

@EarthSight

@IrmaFayLear It's not weakness, but neither it it her responsibility to shepherd befriend lonely members of the community. And come on, it's not just 5 minutes, is it!! She would be over there for a lot longer than that! What is she going to do? Look at the clock and fuck-off after a few mintues of arriving?? Of course it will end up taking more time than that. Feeling sorry or obligated towards someone is not a great start to a relationship that's meant to be equal, anyway. Sometimes it's part of the mixture but there must be want to connect there as well.

Women are so often trained to be lovely, supportive, kind. We're so prone to being guilt tripped in being other people's social & emotional support, quite often at great costs to ourselves. Women end up with most of the caring responsibilities, buying Christmas presents for the relatives of boyfriends they hardly know, and even are expect to be nice in the face of our single sex rights practically handed away from our government. I believe in being an ethical person, but this kind of conditioning where women are expected to constantly 'be kind' starts young and I believe in the end it hurts women more often than it helps us. Everybody says 'but I teach my son that too'!! But no....they don't, not really, not in the same way.

This in spades. ^

I am personally ignoring irma, and her bizarre and goady posts from now on. I should have just done that to start with really. Jog on Irma, I am done with you now.

@AlTempleton

So that was odd.

I thought the suggestion of taking flowers to her was a nice one so I cut some daffodils from my garden and my husband and I just took them round next door. The man answered the door and I said "Hi! We've brought these from our garden for your wife, and we also wanted to invite you both round next weekend to have tea and cake in our garden with us". And he just said "No thank you". So my husband said that it didn't have to be next weekend and it could be another weekend instead of he preferred, but he just repeated "No thank you". Then he smiled at us and shut the door.

So now we're back home, a bit puzzled!

Weird.

I hope he hasn't murdered her.

@SooziQue

The woman sounds depressed, her husband is clearly desperately trying to help her. Next step: she commits suicide and we all post a nice meme about "always be kind we don't know what other people are going through". Except we do, we just don't care.

@SooziQue Except we don't care?? Well Suzie, from your disappointed/dismayed post, clearly you do care a lot more than the rest of us bitches. So, I would urge you to set us all a fine example of true charity and support by asking for this woman's details or email yourself so you can drive there when lockdown lifts and rescue this neighbour from her clearly impending suicide.

Sorry - soozi*

*Weird.

I hope he hasn't murdered her.*

We saw her at the living room window as we walked past. Definitely still alive!

@EarthSight

@WhereYouLeftIt Yeah, me too a bit, although we don't know anything about her really. If I knew her standard of English was enough to read (but not to speak confidently), I'd be tempted to post her a Mumsnet leaflet or something like that through her letterbox!!!

Oh OP, how strange. Can’t believe he didn’t even take the flowers you cut for them. Hopefully you’re rid of him now though.

Maybe they’ve read this thread. 😬🤣

@AlTempleton

You are nicer than me!

Anyway, you tried, he refused. End of.

Those saying you should be nicer can have a go instead!

Yeah my money is also now on they've read this thread! Any other explanation is just nonsense after hearing that!
Unless daffodils are some kind of insult in Spain?

@LoveDrunk

Oh OP, how strange. Can’t believe he didn’t even take the flowers you cut for them. Hopefully you’re rid of him now though.

Maybe they’ve read this thread. 😬🤣

My husband reckons he'll wait until he sees me on my own again and then remind me about tea with his wife again

I'd go round and have a chat with her.

Sounds like she's really isolated and lonely. I get you have a busy life, but can you really not spare 20 mins?

@InFiveMins

Well if she is isolated - it’s all due to her husband. Read the ops update!

Nah, I reckon it will be his wife having given him a good talking to about him making her look like a charity case by constantly asking you round.

I'm off now anyway. Got to go and tell a few neighbours to fuck off, and that they're all bastards, because that's what I do...

Well that was weird that he said "no thank you". .
I really thought you had the perfect solution there, taking DH and flowers and inviting them for next weekend.
I was like your neighbour OP when I had my baby while loving abroad - I got isolated and people thought my DH was too bossy with me as I stood there not saying anything.
The best support I had was from an English-speaking group there. You could look up Spanish-speaking baby groups / facebook pages in your area (there will be one.) and post the idea through the door during the week when he's not there.
Then you will have tried twice, and you can stop.

@InFiveMins

I'd go round and have a chat with her.

Sounds like she's really isolated and lonely. I get you have a busy life, but can you really not spare 20 mins?

😂

Honestly, this thread is the gift that keeps giving. Is it the new cancel the cheque thread?

My husband reckons he'll wait until he sees me on my own again and then remind me about tea with his wife again

I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from laughing if he actually does that. Can you imagine. 😂

At least you have some daffodils to brighten up your windowsill. 😬😂

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe

If English is t her first language could you look up and see of you have a local, multicultural group for her? We live in the arse sticks of nowhere and even we have one. We've been doing all sorts over zoom during lockdown and have lots of meet ups planned

Why the fuck should OP do that?! There's some bloody weird people on here!

@littlepattilou You made me laugh in your last post 😂 So true. Like seriously, fuck-off with your holier-than-though guilt tripping and your be kind hashtags (which belong on heart-shaped driftwood pieces that hang in people's homes that no one looks at or cares about).
Many of these women love to tell others what to from their ethical, sanctimonious ivory towers....yet rarely have I seen people like that truly set a good example in their own lives.

Holier-than-thou*

@Noodle765

Have a cup of tea and stop it after that if you like. At the meeting, mention getting info from Health Visitor, baby clinics, GP, internet for mum & baby groups.

Perhaps OP's husband could do this? Oh no sorry, it's women's work