New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

@Thewithesarehere

what a not-so-nice post!

So what?

Any reason why I have to be NICE? Is because I have a vagina?

@IrmaFayLear

What is wrong with being “friendly and kind”? Are those bad traits? You clearly seem to think so and believe that unpleasantness is a virtue. Well, you’re wrong. Life is simply better if both men and women behave decently and are not aggressive and angry.

Hurling personal insults and shouting just shows you up to be a very silly and shrill person, not the brave feminist you are desperately trying to make yourself out to be.

LOL nice try. I don't owe ANYone being NICE or being KIND, so jog on with your passive-aggressive, emotional blackmailing bullshit. And how supremely ironic that you accuse ME of hurling personal insults and then go on to hurl them at me. What a silly person you are.

And I don't claim to be 'a brave feminist.' So you can shove that comment in your pipe and smoke it.

Now go and polish your halo, and give a nice foot rub to the man nearest to you like the nice KIND little handmaid you are, there's a good iccle girl.

So that was odd.

I thought the suggestion of taking flowers to her was a nice one so I cut some daffodils from my garden and my husband and I just took them round next door. The man answered the door and I said "Hi! We've brought these from our garden for your wife, and we also wanted to invite you both round next weekend to have tea and cake in our garden with us". And he just said "No thank you". So my husband said that it didn't have to be next weekend and it could be another weekend instead of he preferred, but he just repeated "No thank you". Then he smiled at us and shut the door.

So now we're back home, a bit puzzled!

Hmm, so for whatever reason he wanted a friend for his wife but doesn't want a friend himself. That is a bit odd!

Hysterical feminist agenda

How nasty!

Well, there you have it - if it ever comes up again when you meet the DH and he pesters you to come visit his wife, just say: "No thank you."

isnt there a local park there?
doesnt she ever go out? she needs to go out for the baby.
she can do some shopping in the local shops and go to park and see people around and maybe chat to a few people.
even talking to a shop assistant, asking something sometimes, doing little chat helps to some.

For what it's worth, OP, I'm with you all the way. When I was younger I would have got involved and tried to befriend and 'rescue' her but now I'm older and wiser. Trying to have a friendship with someone who doesn't speak the language can be a nightmare, particularly if, as it seems, that person isn't outgoing or interested in reaching out. There's been nothing to stop her coming out to say hello when her husband has been speaking to you, has there?

If you had loads of time to take her under your wing and include her in some of your everyday activities it would be a kind thing to do — take her shopping one day, invite her to a local event where she could meet others, introduce her to a social group or whatever. But we've got Covid and you work full-time and seem to have nothing in common.

As others have said, it's classic sexism to assume that you'll take on this job. I've lived in Spain and the Netherlands and I've appreciated the kindness of everyone who ever sat down over a coffee and endured a slow, tortuous 'chat' with me. The wife needs to be in touch with other Spanish-speakers in the area and learning English as a matter of urgency. Duolingo is her friend. Do you have a community FB page or messageboard? Could you suggest to her, when you meet for tea and cake, that they post there asking for people who speak Spanish and might appreciate practicing their conversational skills? She needs to find people who'll consider it a pleasure to introduce her to life in the UK.

That's so funny.

Ok, so now you can back off without shame or guilt. If he asks you again, use his words back to him!

Maybe he forgot who you were and assumed you were sales people?

He didn't even take the daffodils off me. I've butchered my spring bulbs for nothing!

It is a lot like a parent trying to get other kids to play with their kid. If you really feel you have to do that you invite them to your place for a play date is the standard advice. You do not ever tell their parents 'your kid should play with my kid' or you look like a controlling loon.

His wife of course is a grown adult not a child. In the end she has to find her own friendships with people she actually has something in common with not be micromanaged like a child.

If he is concerned that his wife is lonely and struggling to make friends he should invite OP and her DH over for tea in the garden not ask OP to host which is just rude and it does suggest a certain unpleasant attitude to women that they can be bossed about and told what to think and do.

Maybe if it wasn't a pandemic OP would have popped over to welcome the new neighbours like the lovely people that many of you are or maybe that's just not her style. Either way it is her choice.

Uh oh, given your last update it seems he was just making excuses to talk to you on your own. Just ignore from now on. That's what I did and it worked.

Anyway, I think the best approach would be to invite both her and her husband round to my garden for tea and cake with me and my husband at a weekend. I can't actually visit her during the week when her husband is working anyway because I also work full time. This way, we've done the friendly neighbourly thing by socialising with them both and they'll know they can always count on us should they both need something in future

Noooo......don't do that. I think it'll make the situation worse!

OP, I have no idea what the posters her have been saying to you - there are just too many to read, but please don't listen to anyone saying you are some kind of asshole for not taking this offer for socialising with a stranger. You have a perfect right to say no. Jesus what's wrong with people? Why are women guilt-tripped into doing these sort of social support things?? Men just don't get shit like that.

Maybe she's a lovely person, but don't socialise because you feel obligated. Also, quite frankly I think it's a bit fucking weird her husband approached you again for it. Once was enough. I wouldn't have been happy about that.

Ok, I am that wife. I hope you read my post.
I emigrated to my husband's country and we have a 14 month old. My level of his language is still extremely basic and I have only a 1/4 chance of understanding what people are saying around me. We live in a village population 100 people and I left all my friends behind back in the U.K. I'm also a SAHM.
My daughter likes to go out for walks in the village several times a day, and there are neighbours in the village who avoid me (because they don't speak English), neighbours who avoid me because young children intimidate them; there are also neighbours who will say "hello" and leave it at that... then there are neighbours who say I should visit them for coffee, I ask "when?" and they give a deliberately noncommittal answer. Finally, there are the neighbours who try to talk to me despite their poor English, and even one or two that who have taken the time to improve their English due to my presence, who are stellar.
But even amongst the neighbours that talk to me, perhaps some days they don't want to. Perhaps I've just caught them in the road after a bad day at work. They see me and then quickly duck into their houses, or pretend not to see, pretend not to hear that I said hello, and that's actually really quite painful.
Of course I rationalise with myself and remind myself it's nothing personal, but - naturally - they sense my desperation for human contact. Sometimes they rise to the occasion, sometimes they don't. Of course I'm not owed anything from them, I've learned to deal with my new reality, and now I'm well adjusted to it.
Now, I do my best to sense what mood my neighbours are in before I hesitantly say "hello" to them.
So you, I would say, are like one of my friendly but non-committal neighbours. In the beginning my hopes were higher and it took a couple of months to realise I would not make connections with these people.
But I can tell you something you could still do, that would really help this woman...

Because her life is really tough. All she has is her husband, the demands of motherhood, and the demands of starting somewhere so very new. Language barriers are so detrimental to mothers because we can't advocate for ourselves well, or even our children. My husband had to come to every single prenatal appointment, every child checkup with the paediatrician, and the feeling of helplessness, powerlessness, as a mother, is so destructive. Having to ask him to read every vaccine leaflet for me because I can't etc, makes one feel so bad as a mother. Even when I had ppd, I had to ask my husband to come with me to translate for my doctor! It was humiliating to have him repeat every desperate word of mine for me. It took time to get over that shame. Please do not underestimate how much your neighbour is struggling.

There are still ways you can welcome this woman without devoting your time and energy. I can tell you exactly what would have helped me, if one of my friendly (non-committal) neighbours would have taken just a minute...

Send her a note with recommendations for places and people she can turn to, and make your position clear. Say "Hi, I'm sorry but I don't think I can help you much more than this, because I don't have a lot of time. I thought you'd like to know about..." and then include a list of places she can go to after corona, services she can connect with, or even recommend another neighbour?
The note makes it clear that she should adjust her expectations, at the same time it is helpful. It's worth considering that the husband might be really struggling to connect her to the right places - mine did, and he tried very hard and beat himself up about it when opportunities were missed. He became a parent and husband by 21 and we had moved to a completely new state in his country, so he had so much on his shoulders all at once, and he didn't know the area either. Figuring out parenthood when only one of you is fully integrated is SO hard.
A shortcut to knowing the lay of the land in our area would have been super helpful... like mother and baby clubs etc etc... I really hope you could spend just a couple of minutes making a note with some suggestions?

I hope my post has helped.

op isnt obliged to be her close friend but can give her a little nudge to go out.

When you have tea with them I would explicitly tell them both to get on the internet and research mum and baby groups etc so that she can meet friends.

Just read the update. Well, that's you off the hook! Whew.

@johnd2

Maybe he forgot who you were and assumed you were sales people?

What kind of sales people are you getting that invite you for cake in their garden and offer you flowers?

The other option is maybe she's on Mumsnet......

OP he must have found out you are on Mumsnet without having any kids,gasp! Doesn't this man realise that you and your hysterical feminist agenda are responsible if his wife commits suicide? Get out your teapot, cups and cake and sit in their garden demanding that they have tea with you, continue daily until the entire street realises just how kind you are.

Ha. Just read your updates. Now I'm confused! 🤷🏼‍♀️

He's an oddball for sure OP and one who clearly has a very strong sense of entitlement. He's evidently offended at your temerity in saying no - despite having no difficulty in asserting it himself loudly and clearly - and shown you he's one of those people who are best avoided because life's too short.

Job done. Incidentally, I'm glad your husband was with you.

i was with op sorry shes not your problem to solve you have your own life-ive never had tea with my neighbours small talk outside nothing more-they still take parcels in and i for them

now with theupdate just proves you cant win can you been nice invited them over-no thanks

fuck em

Anyhow you are very much off the hook and can just follow suit and say 'no thank you' to any further suggestions.

[quote goldielockdown2 ]Uh oh, given your last update it seems he was just making excuses to talk to you on your own. Just ignore from now on. That's what I did and it worked. [/quote]
Hmm, I wondered something like this too.

What a very weird (and rather rude) response from him!

Whatever the case, I'd be reluctant to force a relationship with someone just because they live nextdoor to me and I don't want the guilt of their imminent suicide hanging over me (erm, !!!).

Apart from the language barrier and having nothing at all in common, I'd be worried that if we didn't get on, that complicates things with someone you can't actually get away from. Neighbours should respect each other's distance, I always think, unless a friendship arises spontaneously as it has for me occasionally in the past.

Whatever his wife's difficulties, it's absolutely not your job to fix them. I wouldn't dream of dragging a neighbour into my life just because they're there. Especially when there are so many other ways of making contact with more suitable companions.

Hopefully you're off the hook now and can just relax and forget about it. And you can enjoy the cut daffodils yourself!