OLD ~ not looking like photo

[happinessischocolate]

So, I have been chatting to a guy on tinder since last weekend, during the week we moved over to whatsapp and he came up as a suggested friend on fb.

All his photos on the apps look okay, I'm not sure about men's sizes but let's say he looks the equivalent of a female 12/14.

We have today arranged to meet up for a dog walk next week and he has randomly sent me a photo of himself. He has definitely been eating a fair bit since his fb, whatsapp and tinder photos. He's at least a 18 now or maybe even a 20/22. He obviously knows he looks nothing like his online photos so has prepared me in advance.

On one hand I think meet up anyway as I've enjoyed our chats, but on the other I really don't think I'm going to fancy him now so what's the point.

What would you do? And would you mention the bloody obvious massive difference in weight 🤷‍♀️

@WatieKatie we all use photos that show us at our best. We don't know how much he has misrepresented himself as a fact so I won't really comment on that.

Maybe I'm sympathetic to him as a fellow fatty who was shocked one day in the mirror, he may not have realised how far he has declined until this was arranged.

If he used a photo that wasn't him at all and they hadn't already connected I would agree with you but if I liked someone's personality and knew I was attracted to them with less weight, I'd meet them. I'm not saying she has to marry him. Just meet him once and go from there.

@Roszie

Just reply who's that? To the photo he sent.

😂😂 wish I'd thought of that yesterday

@Mustbethemansfault

- Weight was the only issue

She would not have wanted to have a date if she had seen a current photo, as she doesn't find him attractive currently. As is her right. His photo was not an accurate representation of himself therefore deceptive. Saying weight is the only issue is reductive. And even if it was the 'only issue' she is perfectly entitled to no longer find him attractive and therefore not want a date anymore. I would say exactly the same were the sexes reversed.

-They've not even met yet
I didn't date people I didn't find attractive based on their photos when I was dating. They haven't met yet. She wouldn't have wanted to meet at all if she had seen his appearance. Again, as is her right.

-They got on just fine and things were all good until that photo

See above.

No double standards here, I would say exactly the same was the OP a man and the person they planned a date with was a woman.

You sound like someone who assumes women are all anti men, from your username to your posts.

I like men very much. I have only dated men I find attractive physically. I didn't date people I didn't find attractive physically. I wouldn't want someone to date me if they didn't find me attractive physically.

Women don't owe men dates, whether the reason is not finding them attractive, feeling lied to or both. Exactly the same is true for men. They don't owe women dates either.

You're projecting a suspicion of and dislike for women in your posts. It's a real shame and limiting your ability to assess situations clearly and logically.

It's not always a man's fault at all. That you think women as some homogenous mass think that is a real shame. We are individuals, just like men, with agency over our decisions. Like who to date.

[quote AyyMacarena]@WatieKatie we all use photos that show us at our best. We don't know how much he has misrepresented himself as a fact so I won't really comment on that.

Maybe I'm sympathetic to him as a fellow fatty who was shocked one day in the mirror, he may not have realised how far he has declined until this was arranged.

If he used a photo that wasn't him at all and they hadn't already connected I would agree with you but if I liked someone's personality and knew I was attracted to them with less weight, I'd meet them. I'm not saying she has to marry him. Just meet him once and go from there. [/quote]
He was working in the garden when I replied to an earlier message and suggested the dog walk. He immediately replied saying that would be great and sent me the photo. So it wasn't a sudden realisation that he had put on a lot of weight, the photo was immediate.

I don't know where your getting this idea that we've already "connected" or that I definitely fancy him with less weight because that's not the case. We've sent a couple of texts each day and I suggested the meeting so we could see if there was a connection and attraction. I'm not suddenly changing my mind about someone just because of a few extra pounds, trust me the weight difference is a lot.

Expecting someone to look like their profile pictures isn't shallow, it's an expectation of honesty, same as expecting them putting the correct age, location and whatever else they want to include in their profile.

‘Expecting someone to look like their profile pictures isn't shallow, it's an expectation of honesty, same as expecting them putting the correct age, location and whatever else they want to include in their profile.‘

This is reasonable and I think your doing the right thing but not going if your not attracted to him
For some reason it’s considered fine for men to be totally focussed and even obsessed over women meeting certain beauty standards and we are constantly fed the men are visual line but the minute a woman says she is t attracted to a man for whatever reason certain people start losing their minds
The accusations of double standards are really hilarious considering the ridiculous beauty standards for women compared to men
I don’t know what those people think would be gained by you meeting with a man your not physically attracted to . If anything you’d be potentially hurting him by letting him think you were attracted to him when your not

And that goes for whether the lack of attraction stems from physical reasons or him misrepresenting himself in his profile . As others have noted , you don’t owe him dates

@youvegottenminuteslynn did you read the post where I said it wasn't the whole population, it was just a section of people that post their "advice" on here?

I don't think all women are anti men, I think there's a good portion on here that are and they'll do their best to put someone off at the slightest inconvenience and it's not healthy advice, it's toxic.

Based on the last reply from OP I'm not entirely sure what the point in the thread was, you didn't have a "connection" and you didn't "definitely fancy him with less weight" but felt inclined to ask if you should meet anyway but you've only disclosed that after deciding not to go, saving face? Idk but it seems like an odd position to take if you had no connection

Having been on a date with a man this weekend who looked so unlike his pictures that I walked past him at first, as I didn't recognise him despite nobody else being in the vicinity, I'm with OP. It really pissed me off that he had misrepresented himself so much. Waste of my time, and his time too really. And yet I still felt compelled to go for a quick walk and make small talk with him because women are trained to always be nice and polite and never put anybody out.

It's not shallow to be attracted to a certain kind of aesthetic. It's ridiculous for anyone to be so misleading and then act hurt or as if the other person has been unjust.

You’ve definitely done the right thing. I couldn’t fancy someone who was overweight either - if that makes me a cow/ shallow then so be it.

I’m sure there’s plenty more fish in the sea for him. My dsis has dated a succession of overweight men despite not being so herself. Not everyone will be put off by his weight, there’s no shame if you are.

[quote Mustbethemansfault]@youvegottenminuteslynn did you read the post where I said it wasn't the whole population, it was just a section of people that post their "advice" on here?

I don't think all women are anti men, I think there's a good portion on here that are and they'll do their best to put someone off at the slightest inconvenience and it's not healthy advice, it's toxic.

Based on the last reply from OP I'm not entirely sure what the point in the thread was, you didn't have a "connection" and you didn't "definitely fancy him with less weight" but felt inclined to ask if you should meet anyway but you've only disclosed that after deciding not to go, saving face? Idk but it seems like an odd position to take if you had no connection[/quote]
Oh you mean like the ‘ section ‘ of men who judge women’s appearance ??? Hi how happens to be a much larger section of we are to go on the way men objectify women in porn , in workplace harassment cases , on the street etc
Hmmm doesn’t seem like there was much point in you pointing out that a section of women do what MOST men do

@Countingthebeat oh look, here's one to prove my point

It's ridiculous for anyone to be so misleading and then act hurt or as if the other person has been unjust.

I agree. It can't come as a surprise to him that he's much fatter than he led her to believe. He's only got himself to blame for being dishonest in the first place.

[quote Mustbethemansfault]@Countingthebeat oh look, here's one to prove my point[/quote]
Yes that comment makes sense lol
Honestly just give it up . Mumsnet is a diverse place with diverse opinions . If you don’t like it there’s plenty of men’s forums that will cheer you on

It's wrong for a man or woman to mislead. Just wastes everyone's time. OP Goodwick with OLD it can be hardwork, but ultimately worked for me.

@anunexaminedlife

Having been on a date with a man this weekend who looked so unlike his pictures that I walked past him at first, as I didn't recognise him despite nobody else being in the vicinity, I'm with OP. It really pissed me off that he had misrepresented himself so much. Waste of my time, and his time too really. And yet I still felt compelled to go for a quick walk and make small talk with him because women are trained to always be nice and polite and never put anybody out.

It's not shallow to be attracted to a certain kind of aesthetic. It's ridiculous for anyone to be so misleading and then act hurt or as if the other person has been unjust.

What an absolute waste of time, both yours and his. And the ridiculous thing is, whilst people like this are busy misrepresenting themselves they are missing out on matching with people who would actually be interested in them.

Whilst I'm kind of grateful that this guy sent me the picture beforehand, I'm still not grateful enough to feel obliged to go on a date. I think we need to get thicker skins and just leave immediately when they're nothing like their photo.

There's quite a few guys on tinder with a meme saying "if you look nothing like your photos you're paying for the drinks until you do" and I've always found this quite offensive because of the sexist beer goggles element to it, but maybe I should just edit it to "if you look nothing like your photo then don't bloody message me" 😂

@Mustbethemansfault Based on the last reply from OP I'm not entirely sure what the point in the thread was,

I wouldn't expect you get the point.

I glad I did post though. This thread pretty much sums up all the thoughts Ive had since I received the photo, right from the initial FML who ate all the pies, to there's more to a relationship than looks, maybe I should meet him, then all the way back again to fuck this shit, what a waste of time. My main thought is disappointment thought. I find OLD tedious and hard work and I thought I'd found someone worth meeting up with, this just puts me off OLD even more.

Did you end up meeting him op?

Nope, and thanks to this thread I have zero guilt or second thoughts about it 😁

How did he take it?

I don't think it matters how the liar took it, but hopefully as a wake up call to be honest in future. Liars are liars, and I'm glad that OP can see no benefit in wasting her time playing games to appease his needs.

I personally would be upfront about it if you don’t fancy him. Nothing worse that going out on several dates with someone when you know it won’t lead any where. Too many women settle like that.

It's a weird one - my boyfriend put recent photos of himself up but they still looked nothing like him. I can't figure it out - I was looking at them the other day, but they still don't look like the boyfriend I know and love. I can't figure it out!

He's taken the hint, I took longer to respond to his next messages and just politely replied rather than being chatty, and then I've just left the last message unread. I can't be arsed with him.