OLD ~ not looking like photo

[happinessischocolate]

So, I have been chatting to a guy on tinder since last weekend, during the week we moved over to whatsapp and he came up as a suggested friend on fb.

All his photos on the apps look okay, I'm not sure about men's sizes but let's say he looks the equivalent of a female 12/14.

We have today arranged to meet up for a dog walk next week and he has randomly sent me a photo of himself. He has definitely been eating a fair bit since his fb, whatsapp and tinder photos. He's at least a 18 now or maybe even a 20/22. He obviously knows he looks nothing like his online photos so has prepared me in advance.

On one hand I think meet up anyway as I've enjoyed our chats, but on the other I really don't think I'm going to fancy him now so what's the point.

What would you do? And would you mention the bloody obvious massive difference in weight 🤷‍♀️

I'm not sure....
Its possible that his larger size is not typical, just LD and gym closures maybe. It's been the best part of a year and a lot of people have gained a lot of weight. Maybe he intends on losing it and will look more like the original photos.
And you do like him.
However, maybe this is how he is now, and if it's a deal breaker I think theres no point bothering.
Could you maybe mention he looks different in his new pictures and see if he says anything that suggests intend to get back into shape?

Did he purposely put old photos? Or is OLD like Facebook where you just use photos you like? My FB profile pic is years old. I have t looked at myself in the mirror in the last year and gone "ooh, Reacher, you've gained some lodge in lockdown, better update your Fb photo so everyone knows!" But I've never used OLD so I wouldn't know.
Is it actually lying? He has sent you a photo of him now. He's not trying to deceive you into thinking he's still slimmer.

Happy relationships aren't, IMHO, reliant on what someone looks like. My DH is a bit of a porker to be fair, and he's definitely gained weight since I married him. Still love him loads. Seems a bit shallow to not even go and meet the guy if you liked chatting to him that much.

You don't owe him anything, he's not been honest with you. Why waste everyone's time.

^ this

I would be annoyed by the deception - definitely what I think it is rather than denial because if the latter he wouldn’t have sent you a photo just before your date in order to cushion () the blow.

Ok....we’ll just have to agree to disagree then. Personally, I’d go. Because it’s the decent thing to do and you have nothing to lose in giving him a chance and being a nice person. He obviously knows he has put some weight on hence sending you the new picture. Far from misrepresenting himself I think he was probably just trying to find the best pics he could of himself. Likening it to photoshoping your head into someone else’s body is a little dramatic but perhaps you (or most women generally) misrepresent themselves on dating websites by posting pics of themselves with make up on, for example. I know I don’t look like I do on a night out when I’m at home in my loungewear. Poor blokes just don’t have the benefit of make up like we do.
Anyhoo, go or don’t go if weight is that important to you. To me it’s not but that’s what makes life interesting that we are all different. I only commented initially to give you some nice advice and perhaps a different view point

I wouldn't go. I had this once and the disappointment when he walked in was awful, his photos were SO flattering! Although if he had had a very compatible with me personality I could probably have overlooked the weight.

I had this exact situation, we’d been chatting a couple of weeks and had even video called but thinking back it was mainly neck upwards. He’d mentioned he was ‘no Peter Andre’ (like that would be a good thing!) but he was more Peter Kay and I’m afraid it did put me off - but because of the deception rather than just his size, I’m not as slim as I’d like myself at the moment.

We had a coffee but I left soonish and by the time I got home he’d blocked me which really pissed me off, i guess he was embarrassed but it was as though it was me who’d done something wrong.

It’s not the first time, a previous date had no pics of himself smiling and I found out why when I met and saw his teeth 🤢 Unfortunately photos, calls and even video chats are just not as reliable as real life.

What's to assume the new pic isn't still flattering btw? I'm healthy, my husband is also healthy. It's no different from liking someone with particular hobbies or even eye colour.

I don't find fat a turn on. I don't care if people don't like that. I'm not going to apologise for it either.

Well, you can run off being fat...you can't run off being a judgemental twat...

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Still go! What have you got to loose?

I ended up marrying a guy that I looked nothing like his profile photo. 10 years on we're still very much in love.

It was still him in the photo just a 3 year old photo that was probably the nicest photo he had of himself.

I don't think he's tried to deceive you, he's just done what everyone does and chosen the best photo they have.

If anything I hugely admire him for sending you a newer photo before you meet so that you didn't feel shocked or uncomfortable when you met.

Don’t waste your time meeting OP if his updated photo doesn’t do it for you.

Years ago I was caught out by a chap who’s photos were taken at least 10 years earlier. I really felt quite cheated. Turns out he’s also lied about his age by 10 years too

After that I experience I always FaceTime with them before agreeing to meet. It has saved me many a wasted date I can tell you. I was chatting to an absolute hunk if his photos were anything to go by. On FaceTime he looked entirely different. He must have photoshopped his pictures! Then he got cross when I said I didn’t want to take things forward. I used the ‘not enough in common’ excuse.

@WhiskyIrnBru

Well, you can run off being fat...you can't run off being a judgemental twat...

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There's always one

If you don't like the way he looks then you're wasting both yours and his time. For me attraction can grow but there's got to be a little bit of attraction there in the first place. I do think if he's only a bit bigger in the photos than you initially thought then you are being a little shallow. No doubt you have also only shown him your most flattering pictures.

I was contacted by a good looking guy when I was OLD and we messaged for a while. He sent me some photos of himself with the top of his head cropped out and said he's rubbish at taking pictures. I was suspicious and felt awkward but didn't say anything. In the end we never met but I saw pictures of him online later on and he has a receding hairline. The sad thing is that it really wouldn't have bothered me because he was attractive anyway.

I always ask for a photo , and also ask for their height as like PP I had a date with a really short guy.. so awkward. With regards to FaceTime, I hate it. I’m one of those’ look better in person’ people, FaceTime isn’t very flattering.

I'd not go.

It does depend on how important someone's body is to you.
If you can get past that in a relationship, fine.
If you can't and just want to be platonic friends, fine.

But if you know he's not your physical type (and unless he's already trying to lose weight) what's the point?

I think it's a bit disingenuous when posters accuse you of being shallow for having a preference about appearances.

Attraction is a combo of emotional and physical. Silly to deny that.

@JustAVerySmallVoice

And again the double MN standards.

If a woman posts on here worried aboutbherbcurrentnsize - maybe she's carrying some lockdown weight and hasn't had any photos taken since she set up her profile and it's how she looks now not how she'll look forever, she's told to send him a recent photo showing what she looks like now and that he's a twat if he doesnt want to meet her based on her current size.

You’re kidding right ? Overweight women cop more flack from men on most forums than is able to be believed Overweight women are commonly the butt of jokes and excluded from almost every mainstream example of what men find attractive as they are considered some weird ‘fetish’ I think even IF there WERE some double standard on mn ( which there isn’t ) it pales in comparison to the way ken judge and marginalise women based on their bodies How about you talk about the no fat chick stickers on cars , the dating of ‘ fat women ‘ as a game or joke and and the statistical data on how overweight women are treated with far more disdain than overweight men

OP go if you like him don’t go if you don’t . I would reserve judgement till meeting him in person

Honestly think it's awful when women are 'shamed' for not wanting to go on dates when something like this has happened.
Why should women go along to these dates after being deceived when they not they probably won't be attracted to them anyway and then have to deal with feeling uncomfortable?
It's about time women stopped going along with things just in case we might make men feel bad.

I wonder would the posters telling you to go be giving their daughters the same advice! I doubt it!

OP, in one of your updates you mention how you go to the gym and keep your body at a healthy weight and that you don't think it's unreasonable to expect someone else to do the same.

It sounds as if you're a bit disgusted by anyone who's not in good physical condition. If that's how you feel, then there's really no point in going on the date. It's a bit of a shame because people can easily lose weight if they want to, but starting off a relationship hoping that someone will change to accommodate your personal preference isn't a good idea.

I'm not having a go at you, everyone has their own ideas and preferences. You can't help how you feel.

I have to say though, I don't think this guy has catfished you at all. From your description, the weight gain is very recent. If he genuinely wanted to mislead you, he wouldn't have shown you a more recent picture of his chubbier self before meeting up. I don't know anyone - male or female - that doesn't pick the best photos for their OLD profiles. There are millions of posts which talk about "knowing your angles" - getting a picture from the best position can totally hide double chins and extra weight. Maybe he hoped he'd lose the extra pounds before meeting someone but it's not happened? I'm sure there are lots of people in similar positions. I think the fact that he has subtly tried to say "hey, I've piled on the pounds a bit - hope that's still OK" is decent of him. It gives you the chance to opt out, which you're perfectly entitled to do. Just please don't tell him it's because he's fat - that's unnecessary and hurtful.

@ExhaustedFlamingo
She doesn't sound disgusted at all!

Also if all of that weight gain (and it sounds like a significant amount) is recent then there's probably other stuff going on as well and he might not be in a great place emotionally right now. Of course plenty of people have put on weight during lockdown and many people are struggling, but that sounds like a lot of weight to put on a short amount of time lockdown or not!

@Changemaname1

OK, disgusted might be slightly too strong - but certainly very turned off. This was the OP's comment that led me to that conclusion "I go to the gym, I keep myself healthy why is it shallow also want a partner who also maintains a healthy lifestyle." And also the comment of "I really don't think I'm going to fancy him now so what's the point".

As I said above, it's totally fine. People are allowed to have their own preferences without having to explain themselves.

The point I was trying to make is that if you really don't think you're going to be able to find someone bigger attractive, or that you don't think your lifestyles are going to be compatible then just knock it on the head but be kind about it. No need to mention his weight. But be honest with yourself - if being larger is a problem for you, then recognise that and move on elsewhere.

It's totally OK if you're turned off by someone bigger. OP doesn't need to justify herself and my comment wasn't intended to suggest that so apologies if it sounded that way.

@ExhaustedFlamingo think you might have tagged me by accident

@Changemaname1

I have no idea how that happened. The names aren't remotely close 😅😅

Apologies. I've not even had a drink tonight so can't blame that hahaha!

I couldn't date an overweight, out of shape guy so in your position I wouldn't even bother with the walk.