OLD ~ not looking like photo

[happinessischocolate]

So, I have been chatting to a guy on tinder since last weekend, during the week we moved over to whatsapp and he came up as a suggested friend on fb.

All his photos on the apps look okay, I'm not sure about men's sizes but let's say he looks the equivalent of a female 12/14.

We have today arranged to meet up for a dog walk next week and he has randomly sent me a photo of himself. He has definitely been eating a fair bit since his fb, whatsapp and tinder photos. He's at least a 18 now or maybe even a 20/22. He obviously knows he looks nothing like his online photos so has prepared me in advance.

On one hand I think meet up anyway as I've enjoyed our chats, but on the other I really don't think I'm going to fancy him now so what's the point.

What would you do? And would you mention the bloody obvious massive difference in weight 🤷‍♀️

You are perfectly entitled not to fancy him if he’s bigger - we all have our preferences. The only thing I would say is, could it just be an unflattering photo? (I’m relatively skinny, but sometimes in photos look bigger than I am, depending on the angle).

Your situation reminds me of when I met my boyfriend on OLD. His profile pictures were amazingly flattering, and I kind of knew he couldn’t possibly look exactly like that, as they were from when he was much younger, apart from anything else. Then when we moved to WhatsApp and I saw his WhatsApp pic (which is terrible - it makes him look like a sinister dead person) I remember freaking out and sending the pics to my friend, going “IS IT EVEN THE SAME GUY.” She said yes, calm down, he’s clearly just shit at taking selfies.

So I went on a date with him, and the very moment I saw him I remember thinking, “Well, you don’t look like your profile pics - you look even better!” He did. Older, but even more attractive in the flesh.

He’s really good looking but just doesn’t photograph well - in every photo I have of him now he looks at best like a murderous psychopath, at worst like he has been dead for several days.

I think if I were doing OLD again, I would tend to focus more on the chat than the pics (I mean, within reason obviously), as I think it is hard to know whether you will fancy someone physically until you actually meet in real life. Pheromones, and how they carry themself, mannerisms, and voice, also play their part too.

Ok lots of interesting input and I've decided I'm not going to go. I'll put my "who ate all the pies" T-shirt away and find a reason to cancel and then fade out.

As I stated in my first post, I'm not just talking about a few extra pounds. He looks like he's gone from the equivalent of a 12/14 to a 20 and looking at the photos I've realised my problem is the fact that his face looks so different, my friend even questioned whether it's the same guy, it is, but he just looks quite different.

I'm not disgusted by him or judging him for putting the weight on, I just would never have swiped right in the first place if he'd put that photo on tinder.

It's a shame, but I'm not going to meet up with a guy that I don't fancy, otherwise I may aswell just swipe right on every single guy on tinder and go out with anyone who asks. 😁

@Lovelydiscusfish

Your post made me laugh, his picture is very unflattering, it's taken straight on in a massive bathroom mirror, so his full size is very apparent and this is what he's chosen to send me unrequested so he has felt the need to let me know exactly how he looks.

I totally agree that fancying people is also down to their mannerisms, personality etc and that's why i struggle with OLD in general, I tend to swipe left or right based on whether I think I could fancy them in person, so they're divided into nope no chance and maybes, he was in the maybes.

I've been on dates with guys who have suddenly lost a lot of hair since their profile pictures and that hasn't bothered me, but this level of weight gain is not doing it for me.

I find this very interesting, because there was the same thread posted awhile ago but it was the woman who had put on weight. The responses were over whelmingly you don’t need to show him and if he doesn’t like you for just your weight he’s a shallow arsehole. Where as on here it’s “run a mile he’s fat”. Defintely double standards.

It's a good thing you're not going. I wouldn't go. There's nothing wrong with having a certain type, though some of the comments on here make it sound like you should just be grateful if any man wants to take you out.

Have you been chatting to him since he sent the photo?

It is only double standards if THE SAME PERSON does it

Good idea not to go. I went on a catfish date and it pissed me off. My photos were always recent and honest ( flattering too) but not hiding that i am a 12/ 14 etc but also showing my personality.

Men can be searingly direct ( and creepy). Best was a prof basketball player who superliked me but said due to my age he would like to shag me regularly but not have a relationship. I thanked him for is very kind offer..🙄

He wasn't your type, you wouldn't have flirted in a bar so no harm done

[quote happinessischocolate]@Lovelydiscusfish

Your post made me laugh, his picture is very unflattering, it's taken straight on in a massive bathroom mirror, so his full size is very apparent and this is what he's chosen to send me unrequested so he has felt the need to let me know exactly how he looks.

I totally agree that fancying people is also down to their mannerisms, personality etc and that's why i struggle with OLD in general, I tend to swipe left or right based on whether I think I could fancy them in person, so they're divided into nope no chance and maybes, he was in the maybes.

I've been on dates with guys who have suddenly lost a lot of hair since their profile pictures and that hasn't bothered me, but this level of weight gain is not doing it for me.

[/quote]
Yeah, if it’s that clear I do think you are right not to go. And in a way, fair play to him for sending it and giving you the opportunity. I mean, I know one could argue that we should put totally realistic photos on our dating profile to start with, but everyone puts their best pics, don’t they? But he was right to send you a totally realistic one in order to give you the chance to make the decision.

Good luck with OLD - have you got anyone else you are chatting to currently?

@Em999999999

In the future make sure you face time before arranging a date. Lots of men and women upload old photos. It sounds like you are new to dating. I would happily cut my losses now. He knows he is using old photos. Call him out on it politely and then block him because he will probably abuse you

I wouldn't call him out on it personally. I think that whether it was a man or woman doing it, that would be unnecessary imo. Just making an excuse and leaving it there would be sufficient.

@Lovelydiscusfish I think men tend to put their worse pics online actually. Women tend to go to a fair amount of trouble curating a dating profile whereas guys often quickly take a selfie (normally taken from below their chin) and just stick that on 😂

Op, OLD can be exhausting so no point meeting people who you know you won't be attracted to. Men are usually way more judgemental than women about weight and are very direct about it.

You sound quite shallow @happinessischocolate I wouldn’t bother wasting his time then he can find someone who cares about more than just looks. This is exactly why all the good looking wide boys who talk the talk get the women (and then treat them like crap) The really nice ones maybe aren’t as good looking but are often overlooked. Your choice

God I hate this attitude. Women are constantly called shallow for wanting to actually find a potential date sexually attractive. We’re meant to be like a charity for men and be so grateful for any man showing an interest that we give them “a chance”. 🙄 Bollocks to that. If you don’t fancy him, don’t go.

@Bluntness100

I find this very interesting, because there was the same thread posted awhile ago but it was the woman who had put on weight. The responses were over whelmingly you don’t need to show him and if he doesn’t like you for just your weight he’s a shallow arsehole. Where as on here it’s “run a mile he’s fat”. Defintely double standards.

Do you also comment on the many men who make derogatory disgusting remarks about overweight women even when they themselves are overweight ? Mri you call out the literally billions of men who are old fat unattractive yet think they are owed supermodels ? I doubt it It’s so funny that you think you can even call double standards on body standards which are EXCEEDINGLY HIGHER for women There’s barely an arena whether it be work media or dating where women’s bodies and appearances are not scrutinised a thousand times more than men’s and where women are not expected to make MUCH MUCH Amore effort in removing body hair, wearing makeup dressing up looking youthful and slim than men EVER have been Do you call that out bluntness ????

@happinessischocolate PLEASE don’t call the fella out on it, as some on here have suggested. (I know you have said you won’t, and you sound like a nice person.) You could give him a complex! A friend of mine had an OLD fella chat to her for a while then tell her that while she was nice she just “wasn’t attractive enough for him” - gave her a complex for ages! It’s fine to think it - but why would you say it?

Just say you’ve changed your mind/change in circumstances/not ready for OLD/met someone else and want to pursue it..... There are 9 million polite and kind ways to get out of this.

But why would anyone say, you liar, you led me to believe you weren’t fat and you are - no way I am dating you? 🤯

@Piptastic

Please go. Give him a chance. From experience the greatest loves in my life so far are with men I perhaps wouldn't have looked twice at if I hadn't got to know them as a person first before meeting them. You may not fancy them and that's fine but don't not go, it's just a walk and, as pp said you could just say you didn't feel a spark if you are not feeling it after the date. I'd say don't ever mention anything about weight, it isn't kind and even if it's true it doesn't need to be said. Go, have fun, you never know x

This

I find this very interesting, because there was the same thread posted awhile ago but it was the woman who had put on weight. The responses were over whelmingly you don’t need to show him and if he doesn’t like you for just your weight he’s a shallow arsehole. Where as on here it’s “run a mile he’s fat”. Defintely double standards

Did you think mumsnet was a hive mind where everyone thinks the same? Or could it be different posters by any chance?!

Everyone saying to you to ‘please’ go out with him and ‘please don’t hurt his feelings’ is just trying to make you responsible for his feelings.

He’s a random from tinder. You are not responsible for making him feel good about himself. So what if his feelings are hurt? Don’t do online dating if you can’t handle rejection.

Yes, and rejection of your own making too.

@WhiskyIrnBru

Well, you can run off being fat...you can't run off being a judgemental twat...

.

Why is someone a twat because they don't find fat attractive? We like what we like, blond, dark, beard no beard....

@Bluntness100

I find this very interesting, because there was the same thread posted awhile ago but it was the woman who had put on weight. The responses were over whelmingly you don’t need to show him and if he doesn’t like you for just your weight he’s a shallow arsehole. Where as on here it’s “run a mile he’s fat”. Defintely double standards.

I think the difference is that posters were being kind to that woman because she was the one that posted. They probably wanted to say that she should either lose weight, or update her profile picture to show what she really looked like but that could have been upsetting for her so instead they say it's his problem, not hers.

People don't always want to hear the truth when they ask.

If the man in OP's scenario posted the same thing as the fat woman in your scenario, people would probably say the same thing to him because, again, they don't want to upset him.

I can understand you choosing not to meet up. For me it wouldn’t so much be the weight as the fact he’s not uploaded up to date pics of himself until just before you are due to meet up. I’ve recently started OLD and took a few selfies to upload as it’s unreasonable to use old photos if they don’t represent how you actually look.

Wallace, yes I get that I think you’re probably right.

I wouldn’t meet him because I would feel like he’s being deceptive and forced me into a corner

He didn’t give you the natural opportunity to decide whether you’re attracted to him and want to pursue something or not - which is something that everyone’s entitled to do whilst online dating

And now you’ll look like the dick if you say “not interested sorry”, even although men do that to women they find unattractive all the time. Women just have to be nice at all times and forgive men at all times right? Fuck that

Nah that's like double the size. What happened for him to get that big if his pictures look recent. Sounds like too much trouble than it's worth on the off chance he could be a nice guy. Even though he's only now showing you what he actually looks like..

From experience you can't force attraction and it'll be worse for him if you meet up and your grimacing which people can tell I think even if you try cover it it probably shine through. Bail out move on.

Probably a lot of over weight people that are saying give him a chance.

[quote coronaway]@Lovelydiscusfish I think men tend to put their worse pics online actually. Women tend to go to a fair amount of trouble curating a dating profile whereas guys often quickly take a selfie (normally taken from below their chin) and just stick that on 😂[/quote]
I think it's 50/50 from what I've seen, they either have an awful profile pictures of themselves shirtless with a pint in their hand and close up selfie whereby you can see right up their nostrils OR they are overdressed in suit and tie at a wedding and have photos obviously over 20 years old.

I thought this guy was going to be okay, nice photos and he looked about the right age according to his profile. How wrong could I be 😁

I'm not currently chatting to anyone else, I don't go on OLD often and find all the what's you name and where do you come from chat tedious, that's probably why I'm disappointed about this one.

Never mind, pubs and gyms will be open soon and everyone is going to be out socialising 😁

Prompted by this thread, I just went back onto Tinder to look at my boyfriend’s profile pics (he is still saved as a match). Jesus, he is hot in them! But they are from years ago, and does he look exactly like that any more? No. Is he even hotter in real life? Yes! But much less picture-perfect. More the product of his experiences.....Which is more attractive TO ME, but wouldn’t be to everyone....

OLD (while I think it is great) is an artificial platform for meeting people - none of us describe ourselves totally accurately, with all our awful bits and failings, in our bio’s. Why would our pics be any different? We are all trying to put our best foot forwards. And see what happens after that.....Just as, when I used to go out trying to meet blokes down the pub, I used to wear makeup, brush my hair, shave my legs, and not bang on about my divorces as soon as they offered to buy me a drink..,,,

So just use OLD as a means to meet vaguely compatible men (or women), I would say - but the first date is much more significant. That’s why I would never want to fuck around having loads of vague chats for weeks - I would want to meet the fella quite quickly. Then you can make a judgement on physical attraction...,,

No judgement to OP here, mind. If she really isn’t into the bigger guy (and plenty are, myself included) then that’s that, isn’t it? She shouldn’t waste her time or his.

When I did OLD I didn’t read the profiles - I swiped based on the pics, to be fair. Extremely liberally - even anyone I vaguely considered OK looking I swept right. Then when I started chatting, if we clicked, the pics became less important and it was more about the guy.

But, we are all different. No right or wrong here.....