Surviving infidelity

[sal1223]

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

I could twist the knife and tell
Him all the things I'm free to do now , I've got 120 follow requests on Instagram I could start looking at see if there's anyone hot that wants to start chatting - but I won't 😅 god I cannot imagine ever wanting to have anything to do with another man again .

@Whatdirection thank you . Yes I need to remind myself of the things he did with her before coming home to us for dinner the second time it happened.

Because it was sober , and during the day . So as far as I'm concerned a very conscious choice

As for appropriate responses, look up ‘grey rocking’ - it’s a useful technique to use.

I think you could have a number of responses up your sleeve but what l have learnt is the more you engage with them, the more energy you put into the responses, you are still showing you are invested in the relationship on some level.

This is so hard as of course you are still invested as it is such early days and it will take a while to distance yourself.

Believe me when l say there is nothing you can say that will make them see or understand or truly ‘get’ why you are the one who has been wronged, not them. I wasted so much time and energy trying to explain....writing things down....finding books for him to read. Nothing ever truly resonated with him. The thing is you naturally want justice, an acknowledgment of your pain so it’s very very hard.

So best to just respond in a neutral manner and keep conversations logistical about arrangements, children etc.

And don’t beat yourself up if you get drawn in. He is a master manipulator and in time you will notice it more and more. This awareness will help you as once you truly see the manipulation it’s difficult to unsee it. This helps to create the distance that will serve you well.

I recommend reading ‘Out of the Fog’ by Dana Morningstar.

@Whatdirection yes grey rocking 🤘 got it

Friends in your position have stayed because of the kids. The infidelity was like a cancer to their relationship but circumstances made them to be together a few more years.

I would do the same if my kids were going to suffer or be worse off. However, it would like having a roommate. I can’t imagine trusting my husband anymore about not doing it again. Some women I have spoken to about this said that cheating very easily happened. It gave me the feeling they would more ready to forgive.

He's turned out to be a pretty horrible person OP. I'm shocked by his behaviour, so I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

Bridges are being burnt, his selfishness and lack of empathy are startling.

He's not always like that or always been like that😢 we've had 15 years together and I feel like I'm grieving

[quote sal1223]@MarshmallowAra feel free to say I told you so!! [/quote]
I've been reading but would never say that - I realise this is someone life/family and the situation is shit.

You sound like you're coping incredibly well, though no doubt it will be a long recovery. A lot of women on here have been through similar and give great advice & support.

Fwiw I think he was always a bit of a shit partner even aside from the infidelity - didn't like the sound of the "off the rails" behaviour and drinking and it just seemed like you were carrying the burden with the kids etc in your family and he was quite entitled and selfish.

@sal1223

He's not always like that or always been like that😢 we've had 15 years together and I feel like I'm grieving

A lady I know whose h cheated on her (while she'd gone to her home country to look after her I'll mum incidentally) said this - that it was like a bereavement. She has her stuff sent home and said she put it in the attic and didn't touch it, perhaps still hasn't.

She was single for quite a while and had plenty of opportunities with attached men who expressed an interest (!) but didn't make the mistake of going there, and eventually met a widower with whom she has a happy relationship and great social life.

@MarshmallowAra yeah I know you wouldn't but you were right ! 😖🥺

Someone shared a link to a cheating script a while ago either in here or other thread , I've searched on here but can't find it or was it the Davos thing 🤔

Hi Sal, don’t engage with him at all when he enters his big pity party. Simply say - this is 100% your fault. I don’t want to talk about you anymore. I want to talk about the kids and arrangements around them. They are the only people that matter now. Keep everything to emails and don’t let him into your house - he can pick them up. You don’t need to hear anymore of his lies and crap !

Yes @sal1223 you are grieving. For the man you thought you were married to, the marriage you thought you had and your hopes and plans for the future.

All shattered.

It’s so painful and there’s no way around it, only through it. I’m so sorry.

What to do about his self pity? My ex is similar and I’ve tried a range of responses, not all helpful.

I found out quickly that mentioning my feelings didn’t work because he did that “ Ah but it’s worse for me because “ thing. So now I stick to

“ That sounds like something you need to discuss with your therapist “ and change the subject to the kids. And

“ Oh well I’m sure it will pass / you will cope / best to keep busy/ I must dash” and other trite platitudes.

What I want to say is

“ Fuck the fuck off, I’m no longer your unpaid therapist / emotional punchbag, you selfish self centred wanker “.

But I’m trying to keep it amicable for the kids and I only swear on MN and not in RL .

I do think grey rock is the best strategy if you can do it. He will get bored if he gets no response from you.

i wouldnt get into it everytime you see him whats the point he wont admit its all him and then you get annoyed

try and keep your distance when hes visiting i would do set time like i sadi previousl is there anyway you can go somewhere else when hes there

Yeah loving the grey rock analogy - I'm not talking to him about what's happened or her or any of it . Mum keeps saying bet there's more too it better it was more than twice and I'm like - don't care twice is enough for me I don't need to know anymore

I think you are very wise to acknowledge that twice was enough - you don’t need to know any more. The fact is he swore it was only once, you took his word for it and now it turns out he lied (again). You can’t trust a word he says but if you can save your energy for bigger things rather than disappearing down a rabbit hole trying to find out more - you are doing well.

My H confessed to three drunken occasions of ‘just kissing’ with three different women over a period of 2/3 years 25 years ago.

He has since managed to ‘lose a woman ‘. He now insists the second time never happened! WTF! He also has added extra detail to the third time like going back to her flat alone. It’s the fact he’s changed his story that makes him so dodgy especially as he initially confessed to supposedly relieve his guilt.

He is so sticking to the ‘two short kisses’ narrative now. Our adult sons know this version of events so l doubt he will shift. I very very much doubt his actions stopped at kissing but l will never know for sure. But he uses his narrative to minimise his actions and to make me out to be an unforgiving harpie. I could invest a lot of energy trying to find out more but actually it’s been his behaviour afterwards that has really destroyed my faith in him.

Hope you are getting through the day somehow xx

Thanks took the kids to the beach and he's calling in later . I need to brace myself for a few things like :- him moving on quickly -probably with someone I'll know , him going off the rails , and people finding out why we split - everyone knows everyone's business around here 😐🤮 my anxiety about everything is giving g me such stomach ache 😣

its early days sal-but you have nothing to be ashamed about

people finding out why we split

He can spin doctor til the cows come home but anyone with a functioning brain who knows he's cheated on his wife and mother of his kids twice will have his measure.

No doubt he'll do lots of lying. And no doubt his family will spin too - they almost always do.

Also I doubt people are oblivious to him going "off the rails" three years ago or to ongoing behaviour.

You said before you found out the full (we) story from ow, he was staying in (on best behaviour) don't sounds like he was going out quite a lot and leaving you to burden the child care etc. People notice that.

We'll see - it's not something I think is 'out' just yet as someone would have said something to someone that would have got back to me.
He came to see the kids yesterday - totally different attitude . Said he couldn't tell me the whole truth in the beginning because he knew it would be over if I knew it was what it was vs a ons . He said it's 100% his fault all of it and he's so sorry. Said he is now going to try and make the best of the situation and be a good dad / role model. Gave me a hug and said we'll be ok. We discussed some of the financial stuff and it felt like we were both accepting of this being the end.

im glad it was a better visit-just be prepared for him not to be consistant straight away

Yeah I will - it's happened so quick him moving out and still very raw

Said he couldn't tell me the whole truth in the beginning because he knew it would be over if I knew it was what it was vs a ons

But it being over was not sufficient reason not to have sex with someone else at least twice, eh.