Dont know what to do

[BikerFreya]

This is something very new for me so please be patient.
Ive always liked reading forums like this one but never before felt the need to ask advice on one.
We've been married since I was 25 and Im coming up 40 this year. We have two lovely boys of 12 and 10 and I really thought my life was settled.
This time in lockdowns, though, has changed things and made me feel insecure and really worried about things.

I really dont know where to start.

Before all this pandemic he used to go out for a lad's night once, sometimes twice, every week. He always used to pay a lot of attention to his appearance before going out and always looked as if he had "stepped out of the tailors window" as my Dad used to say.
This didnt really bother me as he is a hard worker and puts a lot of effort into being a good father.

So he was a good man but Im a bit ashamed to say he seemed to have stopped finding me attractive. We still slept in the same bed but I can count on one hand the number of times we had sex over a long period ...maybe 2 years.

I did try my best to do something about this. I tried to make myself more attractive. I slimmed down to a size 10 wore "nice" things to bed and I tried so hard to make him feel special.

So this was ongoing until the lockdowns started.

Then a change seemed to come over him. He became really irritable with me and the boys and was always checking his phone.
I managed to sneak a look at his phone because I began to think he might have been having an affair.
There arent any suspicious text messages but his internet history has really made me feel shocked sick to my stomach. He has been visiting what are two gay websites. One called fabguys and the other called squirt. They are dating sites and I really dont know what to do about it.
He has been visiting both of them lots of times.
Ive prayed it isnt what it looks like and I cant get the courage to confront him.

So so sorry to hear that
You must be devastated but are being so strong and you'll be much happier in the long run. You deserve a happy fulfilling relationship with someone who is crazy about you.

Ps for a breakdown of a relationship he'd be allowed to move out and in with his sister right now under current rules!

It's awful, what he's done.

I do just want to say this though

I was so stupid I never suspected

Don't do this. Just don't. He lied. He duped you. He's been doing it for years. That's not a comment on any of your traits at all. It's all about him. The last thing you need right now is you judging you negatively. What's happened to you could have happened to the smartest most switched on person in the world.

And the truth is, you did suspect that something was wrong, for a long time. But you were decent enough to look to yourself and try to make changes to make it better. That's good relationship behaviour. That's not what was going wrong.

Be on your side. Support yourself, emotionally. Please don't call yourself stupid.

Well OP at least you now know. Knowing is better, although it comes with unimaginable pain. I send you strength as you decide what you now want to do. Good luck m’dear, take your time this will take quite some getting your head around.

Sister's response is a bit off given how you really didn't know and perhaps she could have mentioned it if she did! Be careful there, I don't think she's going to helpful going forward.

Best thing is for him to leave so you have some space to process.

It's over and you've got some catching up to do, mentally speaking.

Have you got any support locally? please do share with your family if you can. You have nothing to reproach yourself about. You need to do a lot of talking to process this bombshell.

One day at a time. It will get better

I wouldn't take any notice of his sister, that wasn't helpful for her to dismiss the almighty life shattering, world destroying bombshell.
Take your time to come to terms with what's happened, get some help to process this and look after yourself 💐

I hope its ok to give an update about this horrible situation.
I know some people can handle things better than I can. However, I just couldnt accept him living in the same house as me for more than a few days.
He moved in with his sister for a while and has since moved into a flat by himself.
He has at least been decent regarding financial matters and has made sure we dont starve. There isnt anything permanently in place yet but Im confident that wont be a problem.
That was the last thing on my mind at the time and I just couldnt get it out of my head exactly what he had been doing and I wanted a divorce asap.
All easier said than done.I initially had problems seeing a lawyer because of the pandemic situation.
Eventually I was able to get an appointment and put the wheels in motion but Ive been told I have to allow him access arrangements.

This really caused me some difficulty and I was persuaded to try a mediator regarding access and other arrangements. Not altogther successful mainly because of me but I just couldnt get out of my head not knowing the details of his behaviour.

So sorry but I couldnt help myself and couldnt move forward until I had answers. Anyhow, he eventually told me at a very emotional meeting and he had done everything I had dreaded knowing he had done. Even worst he admitted to doing it with lots of other men ..not just one or two. He kept saying he didnt feel anything for these men but it was just for sex.
I still cant get my head around it and after he told me I just cried for a whole day. How could I have been so stupid not to know what he is like.
Anyhow, we will be divorced as soon as possible, mediation is ongoing and I feel so depressed thinking about him with other men and how I ended up in this situation. Self esteem is at an all time low.

Apologies for being a nuisance here but it does help. Take care everyone

What he has done may seem awful but of course you have to allow access, it's really non negotiable. You really have to put your feelings aside

You need to get an STI test ASAP

And get a solicitor. Don’t agree to anything until you’ve spoken to one.
Then tell your family, you will need their support.

Sorry, just seen that this is an older thread.
He’s a shit, he’s lied to you your whole relationship, and he’s lied to his kids to.
I hope you find a partner who will cherish you 💐

@DinosaurDiana

Sorry, just seen that this is an older thread. He’s a shit, he’s lied to you your whole relationship, and he’s lied to his kids to. I hope you find a partner who will cherish you 💐

Well that should help the current situation. Thanks for that 😁

How awful but you couldnt have known - we never do - so dont be hard on yourself.

Get legal advice and hope you can get financial /access arrangements sorted asap. Look after yourself and boys

You're not being a nuisance!!

Posters post for pages and pages on here, and post repeatedly ... And they're not nuisances. You've barely posted at all, and people often like to see a follow up so they know what happened esp in a situation like this where the man seemed willing (at first anyway) to continue to deny and deceive, and you hope the poster didnt get taken in or stuck her head in the sand.

It probably seems like if matters a huge amount that you know what he's been doing but in the long run, with this in the past, does it really?
The bottom line is that he's gay or bi and has been having sex with men for apparently years. You've taken the hardest step of putting him out, you won't be continuing the relationship, you'll be moving on in time, and you're trying to do the best you can for your kids etc.

He has no interest/benefit from outlining for you the details of his gay cheating .. and if he's been at it that long, he's probably not even clear on it himself.

Bit it doesn't matter, he cheated, he cheated repeatedly, he cheated with men, he covered it up, he's treated you appallingly, he's made a farce of a marriage and family. That's on him.
The details don't change that.

Kelly345 - I don’t get your point, if there is one

Self esteem is at an all time low.

No offence but why ... It's not like he's even cheated on you with another woman where you might be thinking "why was I not enough, is she better in ABC ways than me" etc etc.

You don't have the right genitals for him, you're not a bloke! End of.

Also a guy who enters into relationships with women, married June, brings kids into the world with one, lives like (and pretends to be a hetero family man) is instigating a massive deception; who would guess he's none of the things he's chosen to be/present himself as. Dressing well/being dapper on nights out/full stop is hardly the "doh I should have known he was secretly gay" signal .. I know lots of blokes who dress well and are very dapper on nights out or in general, and are not gay. You weren't to know, he was making life choices - and involving a woman (and children) in them that are completely incompatible with his sexuality.

*married one

He didn't have to do any of this; I know gay guys and their families weren't pleased, and they were aware of the prejudice from many sections of the community Etc but they chose to be true to themselves and didn't get into serious relationships with, marry and have kids with women. They felt it was easier all round to not live in their local area (and their careers took them away too), as many gay people do. They're in long-term gay relationships/partnerships (some not monogamous when younger but maybe are now).

He could've done what they've done ..... Or he could've ended the relationship when he realised he was not going to be faithful. It's all on him.

for you OP.

Please don't blame yourself, he has been deceptive to the highest degree by even entering into a relationship with you knowing he wouldn't be faithful. Even when faced with undeniable evidence he still tried to manipulate and gaslight you. This is all on him.

Keep posting, it's never a nuisance, there are always willing listeners and sadly people who have been where you are too. It will help you.

Well done for cracking on getting the divorce sorted. Do you have RL support too?

If you can I would suggest accessing some talking therapy, it will help you move past this shock and betrayal in time. It's a long road but you will be OK. If you need medicinal help then go to your gp, you've had an awful shock and they can support you through this very raw period. I took AD for anxiety after a traumatic life event and it helped hugely.

Try not to ruminate on him and his actions. Sometimes people advise allowing yourself a certain amount of time a day to spend thinking of the negatives, outside of that time you block him out. Journal too, write it out and as time goes on you can see how far you've come, or use this thread for the same purpose.

Be kind to yourself, seek out fun activities with your DC as both a distraction and to fill up with feel good emotions. Movie nights on the sofa with a duvet and chocolate are my go to happy place with the kids. When the sun is shining, get out and enjoy it. Bike rides, the beach, the river... We could skim stones for hours! He's depleted your feel good reserves, so do more than normal of the good stuff to keep it topped up. Eat your favourite foods, do your favourite things. Put yourself and your DC first. Everything else can wait.

How old are your DC? How are they coping?

Ignore his sister she sounds like a heartless cow at best, potentially damaging to your emotion well being at worst. Get your own army of RL supporters around you.

Hi op, I'm so sorry. You are not stupid. You believed he wanted marriage and a family and you had that. Your focus over the years was of course your children and a man wanting to dress and present well doesn't mean he is gay. Similarly, intimacy in relationships can change for many reasons.

You wanted your marriage to work, but he deceived you at a monumental level.

Please move towards accepting you did not know and there is no shame for you, in any way, for that.

It's time for you to heal and build yourself up because the rest of your life awaits. You deserved better. You never deserved what he did and that is all on him.

Be kind to yourself he worked very hard to keep his sexuality and sex life secret you were not stupid.

Thank you all ever so much for the replies. You have been so positive.

The legal wheels turn very slowly it seems but at least I have things started and I cant foresee any difficulties in that direction at least.

I do have a "soul mate" She is my long time best friend,and we shared a bottle of wine together last night while I poured my heart out to her. What a relief after keeping it all to myself for so long. I do wish Id confided in her straight away. I think the old saying about a "trouble shared" rings true.

Things can only get better.I hope in time to rebuild my own life and I'm absolutely determined to give the boys a good life.

Thanks again for your support it is really appreciated.

Freya xx

Sometimes people are identifying as bisexual. Some relationships survive this type of issue by complete honesty. Sadly this story is more about deception and dishonesty. That would have been a time when recreational sex was seen as just that. I have friends who are both bisexual and have been together monogamous Lee for 20-years. They allow each other a night out every now and again and tell each other everything. They have two children and they are still together and very happy always laughing when I meet them. I know this is an alternative view to all the discussion and outcomes above.

This man was clearly attracted to you but so has same sex desires.

I wish you and your family well and I'm glad that he has been a continuing good Father.

I'm afraid to say it but Fabguys is a site for married men to have no strings hookups with men.