Is anyone waiting until their children are 18 and then leaving?

[Countdown99]

If so how are you getting through the years until then?

Also please don't reply saying it's not healthy for the children to be raised seeing an unloving marriage etc or that the children will thrive once I've left him. Everyone's situation is different, and I will not risk my children being away from me and alienated against me etc. Only I know my relationship and I have the vast majority of control of the children whilst I'm in this marriage and I feel that is what is best for them.

*big impact. Not bug!!

This is a wonderful idea

You will never regret this decision in future

Your children will undoubtedly be fine for you to leave once they are in university

They will not blame you at all & be sure to cut ties with their father once you leave

/s

You will martyr yourself & live to regret this.

It sounds like you’re staying due to financial reasons & lifestyle comforts.

You really believe this will all work out & fall into place once you leave exactly as you envisage?

You do you but keep in mind that you will not be able to control your children’s reactions When they are adults & they may well take this harder.

You are doing this for you - not them. Something is keeping you staying that isn’t to their benefits. I don’t believe this is all about the children

Also as you say you will be shooting your self in the foot financially leaving later as there will be no reason to argue that you need more to finance the childcare aspect.

I truly believe you will regret this & waste decades feeling miserable.

Also he could well leave you & you seem strangely confident that this could never happen.

But we don’t know you & you sound really confident this is the best decision for you

@Countdown99

To all those commenting on the impact it has divorcing when the children are 18, surely there is also a huge impact due to divorcing when the children are young also? That could involve a parent having numerous partners coming in and out their lives, the negatives associated with a single mother earning very little and working full time etc. Sadly I think most children of divorced parents do not come out unscathed in some way. My choice is to wait until they're older so I have full access to them for those 18 years

You are missing the point that so many are kindly and eloquently putting. Children can manage and cope with difficult times a lot younger than older kids at times. You refuse to say how old the kids are but I would hazard a guess at primary age. It happens now, you tell them in an age appropriate way and they just live the new life with support. Leave when they are 18 and suddenly all the memories they thought were happy are gone. All lies. You are lying to our children but trying to act as if everything is okay. You say you are putting them first but it isn't the case.

You are missing the point that so many are kindly and eloquently putting. Children can manage and cope with difficult times a lot younger than older kids at times. You refuse to say how old the kids are but I would hazard a guess at primary age. It happens now, you tell them in an age appropriate way and they just live the new life with support. Leave when they are 18 and suddenly all the memories they thought were happy are gone. All lies. You are lying to our children but trying to act as if everything is okay. You say you are putting them first but it isn't the case.

Absolutely, wonderfully put.

Also OP you say 'full access' to them for 18 years, they aren't your possessions it's a bit odd.

I know someone who did this. It hasn't turned out well. He literally left the day after the 18th birthday. The child has never fully got over it and the relationship between the two adults isn't great.

Your children are very young. Young enough for you to leave, take them and have a decent custody arrangement.

Children growing up in this environment are not as stupid as their parents would like to believe. Trust me the vast majority will have known for years that something was amiss and those who don't suspect beforehand won't take long to question everything once they find out. In truth believing the children won't know is a lie parents tell themselves to ease their guilt.

I agree. Pretending you can get through the next 14 /15 years without the children realising is absurd.

[quote poppydog3]@SunshineCake
But surely people who do wait till there older don't actually tell their dc they only stayed together for their sake? surely you would just say you haven't being getting along recently and have decided to break up/get a divorce. [/quote]
What naivety

My Mum waited until I was 31. I feel I had the worst of both worlds - I spent my teens living in a VERY unhappy house, with emotionally unavailable parents, and the divorce was still traumatic for me.

Four and three. Bloody hell.

Much as I fee" for the kids and would advocate them before anyone else, what is the state of your mental health going to be with another 15 years of this?

And you have to forget the money. You can't try and kid yourself you think you are doing the best for your children then say you don't want to share money. No doubt you're happy to share his and when you come back and say you pay for everyone you surely have enough.

What's more, if you say you are "staying for the kids", what you are saying is that you are staying in an unhappy marriage because of them, which is a huge burden for a child.

I think its going to be very challenging putting on a brave face for 15 years.

The children will know you are unhappy they will sense it and learn that this is how relationships are meant to be, and they will replicate it when adults.

Once they are 18 you will still think of them as children....

Perhaps some counselling will help you think all this through

I considered it, but instead ended things when my daughters were 11 and 13 as I didn't want to impact their GCSEs or A Levels by waiting through the shit times and caving while they were needing to concentrate elsewhere. Lots of honesty, care and support and most of all being able to part before it became (witnessed) hatred meant that it took a matter of months for everyone to adjust. Five years down the road we get on very well as a seperated family without any pain. I'm.glad we didn't wait.

Theres a reason I chose to do that. A friend had once told me that one of her happiest moments when younger was when her parents split and she didn't have to listen to their fighting anymore.

Please do not burden your children with a lifetime of unhealthy relationship behaviours.

Your husband can manipulate and turn your children against you while he is living with you as easily as if you are not. IMO it’s harder for them to talk shit about you when you are split because kids aren’t stupid, they know who they rely on as their primary carer, my DS’s father has said all sorts of stuff about me to them in the past and they hear this but they also see me loving them and taking care of them so it makes his words nonsense.

In fact if he is the sort of person who would behave like that, why would you want your children around him 24/7, with him modelling this unpleasant personality?!

If you aren’t interested in other relationships the other comments about children of divorce being impacted by other people / relationships is irrelevant so you don’t need to worry about that.

You are not doing your children any favours by staying.

Name changed for brutally honest post.
Separated when kids a similar age after being together for 18 years. Kids have accepted and adjusted very easily, we live close to each other, everything is amicable. However, he left me. If I had left him, I fear it would have been much more like you predict your husband will be: controlling, manipulative, angry. I am so grateful he ended things, it has allowed a positive way forward to be possible.

Is there any chance he might leave you? Have you had counselling? If he is as potentially manipulative as you say (perhaps when he doesn’t get his own way?) a counsellor might uncover that and help you manage an amicable split? I would love to know If relationship counsellors ever do that, as I feel a lot of women may benefit! Men behave a lot different when the split was ‘their idea’ :)

Please please don’t stay for 15 years. It won’t help them, they will adjust a lot better if they are young. You will really mess them up having to process that you stayed unhappy that long ‘for them’.

@poppydog3

mine are only little, I don't really know whether we will stay together once the kids are 18, he's a good dad he works so hard and he does a lot for us, the kids love him to bits but I am not in love with him, he has a short temper and shouts a lot, at the kids mainly, he struggles to cope with any stress, thinks I am getting at him when just making conversation ect. But if I were to leave him I would struggle for money, so would he, I've worked it all out many times before, the kids would still see him and get shouted at but I wouldn't be there to sort the situation out. We go on lots of days out, camping, walks to different places, fun outdoor activities ( we thrive as a family out and about) but if we weren't together I wouldn't be able to afford any of this, he could still take them camping but I wouldn't be able to experience it with them. he is the fun one. I wouldn't take them places on my own. I've summed it up all before. I've come to the conclusion that they have a better life with us together.

he has a short temper and shouts a lot, at the kids mainly, he struggles to cope with any stress, thinks I am getting at him when just making conversation ect.

He's not a good dad.

Divorce has an impact on children but the younger the age does make it easier.

My dc were primary and it took a few years for everything to settle down such as moving house however it meant we were all through the process by the time they started secondary. They have thrived subsequently..if you recognise it will have an impact for a while, what age is the best? In my opinion Uni is the worst time as that is when they are solo for the first time and without support, plus as they will be an adult you can't access counselling for them.

I have friends who grew up with functioning but unhappy parents and they talk about the tension they witnessed. It affected every aspect of their family life.

Op, you may feel different once your dc start school and you see other separated parents.

I’m doing this - I had a similar thread about it earlier this week.
Most posters said leave but it’s rarely that easy. I know it would be very acrimonious and I don’t want my children to be basically ammunition which is how DH would treat them. They are much more bonded to me than to him and he already gets angry about it. Were they with him and upset because they missed me I know he would shout and be angry with them and wouldn’t allow them to speak to me. I’d never stop them talking to him or seeing him but I won’t be afforded that grace. There’s no two ways about it.
If I felt he would be reasonable about things I would be much more inclined to leave but he absolutely will not.

OP,
Financially you should start to prepare.
Go see a solicitor and get advice.

Should you ever receive an inheritance keep it completely separate from household finances.

Do you have family that could hold money for you.

Investigate your options.
If there is ANY abuse of any sort in the house start logging it with your GP and create a papertrail.

@Littlesthobo84 your children will have to live with an angry man 100% of the time now. Do you think that's the best for them? Do you want them growing up thinking that's normal for a relationship?

My IL’s split when my DH (youngest) started university.

DH dropped out of university and ended up drifting for years SIL hasn’t been in a serious relationship in years.

SIL completely mistrusts men and seems to be stuck in that teen mindframe from when her parents split. She has a love hate relationship with both her parents and feels her father owes her and expects him to finance everything.

DH for years also bounced between jobs and girlfriends, we eventually met and settled down and got married but he told me when we met that his parents break up had messed him up (he was in his late/mid thirties when we settled down).

Both DH & SIL describe the trauma of the divorce as both were blindsided by it and the fact their parents used them as sounding boards.
The only half decent thing that came out of it is that FIL realised if he wanted any kind of relationship with his older DC he needed to be scrupulously fair to DMIL in the financial settlement. And he was.

But it caused and continues to cause a lot of mental and emotional trauma to the DC of the marriage.

My IL’s didn’t speak to eachother after they got divorced till my and DH’s wedding day.

It’s been pretty awful. Even though both DH & SIL admitted they knew their parents weren’t happy and living virtually apart for many years prior to the divorce.

Better than them living with him 50% of the time without me Nerr

My dad is 18 soon and struggling mentally. Me and her dad are happily married. I wouldn't be dissolving a marriage now. There may never be a good time. Just saying.

Dd not dad

@Littlesthobo84

Better than them living with him 50% of the time without me Nerr

But that's not garunteed. Plus you're basically setting them up to think its totally normal for a partner to be angry and abusive and that if their future partner is the dont get to leave if they have children. So they stay and their children also suffer the same fate and thus the cycle repeats.

That was the plan but the emotional abuse was starting to border on physical and the DC were becoming aware of it (I had hidden it quite well I thought till then).

So I left him when they were 10 & 16. No regrets. The DC are happier as they know I am happier and here for them always.