Is anyone waiting until their children are 18 and then leaving?

[Countdown99]

If so how are you getting through the years until then?

Also please don't reply saying it's not healthy for the children to be raised seeing an unloving marriage etc or that the children will thrive once I've left him. Everyone's situation is different, and I will not risk my children being away from me and alienated against me etc. Only I know my relationship and I have the vast majority of control of the children whilst I'm in this marriage and I feel that is what is best for them.

poppydog3 children aren't stupid. They know. Even when the parents have been perfectly pleasant to each other, kids know if it isn't right.

Plus I have a friend whose parents separated when he was mid 20s, engaged, own home. He was devastated, felt his whole world was turned upside down, he postponed his wedding because his image of marriage had been shaken.

@Countdown99 Your DC are so young that they wouldn’t even remember their parents living together in a few years time if you split. It is entirely possible to have a positive coparenting relationship, it just needs work.

You only get one life. Your children will only be around a little while, what will be left of you if you live in misery for 15 years?

I tried to stay for the children. In the end an incident happened that forced my hand. My eldest is 11 and told me recently that one of her earliest memories is of dad shouting and me crying. I feel the most enormous guilt about not leaving years ago.

@Same4Walls

4 and 3!!!

Please don't fuck them up for life by making them live in this shitty situation for another 14 / 15 years!!

This sums it up, seriously OP just leave.

^ THIS THIS THIS with bells on!

My parents never did split up. My teenage years in particular were completely blighted by seeing my mum unhappy. I went on to a lousy miserable marriage, which I put up with for nearly 20 years because I thought that's what life was. Then some miserable abusive relationships because that's the best I thought anyone could hope for.

My parents are still together and not a day goes by when I don't worry about them, especially my mum, and wonder what kind of life they could have had if only they had split up and had another chance at happiness.

You're not doing anyone any favours by staying, but perhaps especially not your kids.

My girls picked up on my feelings from a scarily young age

Exh left me the week after dd turned 18. It's horrible to do that to your partner unless it's a mutual decision. If you want to leave at least talk honestly to your partner and say that you are not happy. Being dumped in middle age is so difficult, if I were 10 years younger I had the option of a family with a new dp, and whilst I love my new dp dearly, we can never have the bond of having a child together, and our best years health wise are gone, we are creaking and seem to spend days off at medical appointments!

Ps my dd said to me after her dad left, why didn't you leave him 10 years earlier, I deserved better!

I can see the image of the camper van and the sea . I’ll be there soon and you’ll get there later . You will get there . You sound like a good mum . X

@Zancah, yep, my exh has done exactly this (as I knew very well he would). She is welcome to him, but the speed at which I was replaced has given me whiplash . How long had your friend separated from her husband when he remarried?

@Ickle37

My parents waited until i was 18. My dad was massively shit and told me at the end of my 18th birthday party that they were splitting. Lovely memories. However, i thank them for doing it. My teens weren't the best and i envied friends, but i had one home and always felt sorry for my friends who just did weekends with their Dads , or worse, the ones who had to move around every day. Do it before 10, or after 18. Otherwise i think it's hideous.,

Having one home doesn’t mean anything. I would rather my parents have 10 homes as long as we were happy

Your children will hate you for living a lie and deliberately making their childhood a mockery.

I know, because I was the child in this scenario. If you expect to be thanked by them for what you are doing...think again.

I left just before DS turned 4. I really didn't want to but when you tell your 3 year old "no" and he screams in your face because that's what he's seen his dad do 🤷🏽‍♀️ I knew I had to go. exH made it as difficult as he possibly could, every stage went to court. Even though he'd shacked up with a new woman within weeks of me leaving. It took 3 years to get divorced and cost tens of thousands of pounds. But I got custody and there's a strict contact schedule. I'm a different person now. I can be the mum I always wanted to be. Not some ground down eggshell stepping miserable shadow of myself. I'm better off financially because there's noone frittering money away and I get regular time to myself to recharge. Yes DS sometimes comes home and says "dad said xyz" but it just washes over me now. I don't think I would have survived another 14 years in that sham marriage. Instead I'm thriving. Good luck OP whatever you decide.

I stayed until my youngest was 15 (my oldest is 16 years older) when I couldn't stand it anymore. I would say I put on a good act in so far as friends and family were shocked when we split. My children though were not as easily fooled and saw through the act and sensed I was very unhappy. I did the dc no favours by staying, I think I would have been a better role model had I left and I bitterly regret those wasted years. I am very happily single and intend on staying single I have been put off marriage for life.

Essentially there is no good time. I was 8 when my parents split, is seen enough to realise my dad was a shit bag, I had to go through court assessments at 12 to decide if I was mature enough to make up my own mind about seeing my dad (and for people saying courts don't recognise parental alienation even back then they were looking for me being overly influenced by my mum). I've seen friends go through a parental divorce when they were older than me, they struggled more but probably for a shorter period. You know your family dynamic and your children so no-one should criticise for your choices. That said my personal reaction and the effect on me is something I don't think my family will ever truly understand. Despite everything, the one thing that carries me through was knowing my 'primary carer' and her support network loved me, no conditions, no strings attached. Not sure any of that will help but I feel for you.

Another name changer asking the same question until they get the answer they want to hear...

No-one here is going to encourage you to stay in a toxic relationship, or is it that you want to hear others are doing this too so you can justify your choices to yourself??

What OP is doing is cruel!! I would be pissed off if someone had led me on for years the. Dumped me when our kids turned 18. It’s unacceptable.

If a man posted this there would be absolute uproar. OP is absolutely wrong and I don’t think she will manage to stick it out as her kids are so young... she may meet someone then what?

Can I just say, I'm from a culture where divorce is frowned upon highly. (Not so much now but it would have been suicidal for my mother)

When my mum and dad moved to the UK and me and my siblings were born, my mum knew if she left him, she would have had less contact, evil in-laws (yes my paternal grandparents are twats) looking after us and she was scared that we would have been turned against her. tbh the way my paternal grandparents talk about her / TRIED to belittle her in front of us spoke volumes that my mums concerns were valid.

I never look back on my childhood/teenage years as fake, I was quite aware they wasn't a loving couple and it was just the way that wives/husbands acted in our culture. Men stay with men, women spend more time with women. My mum would often spend summers abroad with us in our home country with my maternal grandparents and I loved those holidays without my dad.

Day to day life, dad was at work, mum at home, pretty normal.
When I was in university, mum admitted she didn't love my father and just stayed with us for the reasons you give and what she gave etc. They got divorced. Dad married a teenager from back home within months.. have not spoke to me or my siblings and started a new family lol.

I think because there was no domestic violence/torture abuse, it hasn't been an issue.

But if your husband was to become abusive then definitely don't stay for the sake of it, I've seen those cases too.. and the friends of mine who witnessed that stuff have a lot of trauma and mental issues!

@Closetbeanmuncher

Another name changer asking the same question until they get the answer they want to hear...

No-one here is going to encourage you to stay in a toxic relationship, or is it that you want to hear others are doing this too so you can justify your choices to yourself??

I think that may be the case. Someone asking how to live with abuse (if that's what's happening) when the answer will always be you can't. There is no other way. There is no other answer.

Having read the posts I just feel we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

There is only one other person who knows this is my plan b cause it's theirs too.
To the outside world we have good relationships, the kids are happy.
Both of us have been cheated on so are biding our time.

My oh would be a complete arse if we split and it would get ugly , the kids would suffer.

Never another answer? I have a different opinion to you, my mum lived with abuse for years, even now she is terrified of him coming back in her life. I was in the middle of it for years but I will never, never judge her for not leaving earlier. Should you leave? Yes, when is a very different question.

@meganjoon but your mother had a reason though culture being 1 and no 2 she didn’t love your dad. The first reason alone I can imagine even in today’s society & certain cultures divorce is a huge issue because it’s viewed as “shame” on the family. OP has not mentioned any reason like that.

Probably one of those things we can't say but if my partner was such a bastard that I thought he would turn the kids against me and all that other shit if I left him then I would probably suggest we take up rock climbing and 'forget' to strap the fucker in.

[quote May17th]@meganjoon but your mother had a reason though culture being 1 and no 2 she didn’t love your dad. The first reason alone I can imagine even in today’s society & certain cultures divorce is a huge issue because it’s viewed as “shame” on the family. OP has not mentioned any reason like that.[/quote]
I was just giving my opinion on how it felt growing up and then seeing them divorce. Depending how the parents behave I believe will decide if the kids resent them or not.

@Countdown99

To all those commenting on the impact it has divorcing when the children are 18, surely there is also a huge impact due to divorcing when the children are young also? That could involve a parent having numerous partners coming in and out their lives, the negatives associated with a single mother earning very little and working full time etc. Sadly I think most children of divorced parents do not come out unscathed in some way. My choice is to wait until they're older so I have full access to them for those 18 years

Yes there was a bug impact for me when my parents split when I was aged 15. Relief.

I can't tell you what a difference it made being out of that environment. Mum stayed for the kids for far too long, it was pretty clear she wasn't happy staying with my dad even though she never said anything. It's quite sad but the best point in my childhood was when they finally separated. As an adult it's made me terrified of commitment as I never want to feel stuck in a relationship like that, ever. Also the main reason why I will never lose financial independence if I can help it.