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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not a step parent, not sure what I am - most definately confused and baffled

104 replies

Wheelyyyy · 25/03/2021 15:54

Not sure where to put this thread...

I could do with some advice, advice or a hand hold or a empathetic 'your doing ok'...

Im 43 and my DC are now 19 and 20 - both at uni. I have been on mumsnet since my youngest was knee high lol

I met someone 18 months ago and he has 3 children 7, 10, 13. He has been seperated for three years and co parents 50/50.

Im finding it such a head twist.

In one hand my kids are grown up and i raised them on my own from 5. I ran the house, bedtime routines, meals and the usual things that come with parenting.
But now i seem to be in a scenario were im a silent partner. I dont seem to have a say over what goes on around me.
With my own kids, I set the rules i.e no crafting on mums bed or getting in with wet towels. I sorted the shopping and meal times. I suppose saying i had some authoirity in my own home and all that is none existant now.

Its difficult to build a rleationship with the kids becuase they have their Dad and mum lives around the corner and even when with dad sees them every day. This is wonderful for the kids i relalise but Im starting to feel like Im only good for cleaning and sex and listening to how DP day is or helping with mothersday cards
Because DP doesnt mind the crafting in our bed or eating the mcdonalds in our bed etc im starting to feel like im going to need to be the bad guy laying down some basic foundation boundaries but it almost doesnt feel like my place. Its a strange dynamic.
His kids are lovely and Im very fond of them and I want to support them all but im starting to feel detached.

Is it normal to feel like an outsider?
Is it normal to not have any say?

I raised to great sons and my day job is working with children and families being supportive and providing care so it feels even stranger that something Im good at and comes naturally, i have to shut down. I feel like i have to be someone else in this setting in my home.

This all probably sounds daft and obvious to others but i feel a little in the woods. DP says to give it all time but i really dont feel supported and wondering why Im here. I wouldnt just miss my DP but Id be so sad at loosing 3 children too. Which is a strange feeling because they are not even mine and they are very indifferent to me.

Id love my lads to be apart of this because thats familiar but they are older and understandably getting on with creating a life of their own.

One confused and not being able to see the wood for the trees mumsnetter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 25/03/2021 15:55

I should say that covid and the bubble situation has led us to living together....pretty much fastforwarding everything. Its been a very weird year for everyone

OP posts:
OldEvilOwl · 25/03/2021 15:57

So you live together? when did that happen?

Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 25/03/2021 15:57

Oh my, excuse the spelling mistakes and lack of grammer lol doh

OP posts:
Lochmorlich · 25/03/2021 16:01

You're forgetting that its your bed too.
No they don't eat McDonald's in bed or craft in bed but you have to agree this with your dp first.
If he won't agree then you make a decision to stay or leave.
I absolutely could not live in any situation where my bedroom was used like this.
My 2 would come in for a cuddle on weekends and perhaps chocolate in bed at Christmas. But that was it.

Easterbunnygettingready · 25/03/2021 16:03

Maybe tell him your bedroom doesn't feel like your own / a place for intimacy when it doubles as a play room for his dc..
For the record my own biological dc are banned from our bedroom. They won't I assume be scarred by this... A man who won't parent his dc when it's necessary needs running from imo. I defy anyone to say they would want to sleep surrounded by fries /bead and such shite...

Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 25/03/2021 16:05

[Oldevil] officially about 4 weeks.

during the second lockdown and christmas it was either a case that we didnt see each other or I came to stay, so i came to stay with all parties in agreement

OP posts:
AmyLou100 · 25/03/2021 16:07

I understand what you're saying even though I'm not in your situation. I have very young dc and raising them a certain way. So there's expectations and rules with my dc that I would never bend for someone elses dc. It depends though, would you be willing to change. I also could never imagine or want to not have a say in my own home. Your DC are raised and adults, your dp still has a way to go with his. Do you even want to do this again?

Inthefuture · 25/03/2021 16:12

So you’ve moved in to his place? I think that does make a difference if that’s their 50:50 home. You can’t suddenly tell them they can’t do things they have always done in their home. I can see that would be hard but move in with three young children what do you expect?!

Fireflygal · 25/03/2021 16:14

Moving in within 18months is very rushed, especially with 5 children involved. Did he have his own place beforehand?

Where there is 3 young children it's likely that he is taking the path of least resistance but also given it's your house then he has no incentive to try to ensure it's kept well.
Parenting rules should have been discussed prior to him moving in as if you can't agree rules then you either have to tolerate or the children move out and he goes back to his own place.

Is he making a fair contribution to finances?

DorisLessingsCat · 25/03/2021 16:14

If you have moved into his house I would just move out again. You need to agree some ground rules but I wouldn't blame him for wanting to stick to how it's always been.

Billandben444 · 25/03/2021 16:14

Difficult when it's his house tbh. Have you talked long-term plans - buy/rent together? Do you still have your property? It sounds as though this is what life was like before you moved in but I'm with you on this one! I'd have a quiet word with him about needing privacy in the bedroom so could it be out of bounds to the children. It's a very small sacrifice for him to make as you've given up your own home and privacy to move in.

fairlygoodmother · 25/03/2021 16:17

I think allowing your kids to do crafts and eat in your bed is really quite unusual - not wrong if everyone is fine with it but most people would be unhappy to find their bed full of crumbs and glitter.

I think you need to have a think about your boundaries, where you are happy to compromise and where you’re not, then have a talk with your dp and explain that you’re struggling with your living situation and talk about how you can improve things going forward. Bear in mind that everything is great for him as it is, so you have to be very firm about the fact that everything is not great for you, and don’t let him convince you that it’s because you’re uptight or too rigid or just need time to adjust. You are entitled to feel comfortable in your own home.

The answer might be to take a step back and go back to living separately until you all know each other better. Would you be happy with that?

Beamur · 25/03/2021 16:20

The key to gradually becoming a step parent is communication.
Are you the first serious relationship that your DP has had since splitting up?
If so, it may not yet have occurred to him that your feelings count too.
I think your reflection that you seem good for sex and cleaning is one you do need to tell him - and that you're not ok with that. Negotiating where the lines are drawn will be up to the two of you.
But fwiw - the uncrossable lines I put down early was no kids in my bedroom. DH youngest was also 7. He was ok with this and shifted to spending more time with them in their rooms - reading at bedtime for example.
I also said no to any 'family' overnights with the ex wife, as DH had spent the last Christmas that way.
I fully respected that there were occasions when they did meet, such as parents evenings, we all went out together for birthdays etc. I actually get on very well with DH's ex, but the kids benefitted from clarity. DSD found it hard to understand why her parents had split up.
DH is the default parent, but I did expect my views to count and the kids were required to be polite and respectful to me (and DH and each other). We're 18 years down the line now - still with DH, have a teenage DD together and a good relationship all round with DSC and ex wife (and her husband).

Original poster
Wheelyyyy · 25/03/2021 16:20

[Loch] and [Easter]
I was the same - my two lads were allowed in bed if they were ill or on a weekend type of thing with breakfast in bed as a treat.

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 25/03/2021 16:20

I would move him out and just date.

Was it your house and he moved in or the other way round

KirstenBlest · 25/03/2021 16:22

You are nanny and housekeeper to Disney Dad's kids.

Retrievemysanity · 25/03/2021 16:24

I think you need to decide what are dealbreakers for you and what you can let slide. It’s going to be very difficult for your DP to parent differently to how he has parented for the last 13 years and hard on the kids. Bit different if they were toddlers.

I understand why you’ve moved in given the pandemic, but your post to me screams that you shouldn’t have done. Sounds like it’s been a shock to the system for you. No shame in admitting it’s not working or that you need your own space. If you’ve ‘been there done that’ with your own children and your job is similar, you could well end up resenting DP and the kids which isn’t fair on anyone. Good luck Smile

Szyz2020 · 25/03/2021 16:25

Why on earth would you want to start again with parenting dc of that age when you’ve done all the hard graft for your own children and on your own?! I reckon you deserve your own space and time - unless you are very keen to create a family, step back. Date the guy but don’t live together and get sucked into all the family drudgery!!

Giantrooster · 25/03/2021 16:27

No help I'm afraid, but much much too fast, move home if possible and then put in boundaries.

ElspethFlashman · 25/03/2021 16:28

You need to move out.

It's not your house and not your rules. And it's too soon to move in with a Dad with 3 school aged kids anyway.

It's too messy. And you really need to decide whether taking on 3 kids for the next decade is what you want when you've only just got your independence back now your two are adults. Tbh I think it'd be absolutely crackers.

lunar1 · 25/03/2021 16:29

It's really tough because I wouldn't like those things either. But it's their home and the rules that have been established already. Thinks like this need time and gradual blending.

Ideally getting somewhere new together would have allowed you all to set new house rules. Do you still have your own house?

MoiraNotRuby · 25/03/2021 16:29

My DC are mid teens. There is no way in the world I would ever Iive with any smaller children in future. I honestly think you are trying to do something impossible.

SoWhyNot · 25/03/2021 16:32

Once lockdown ends, I’d move out and make it clear you were only staying because of the legislation at that time. Explain that as things are, there are a few dealbreakers about you moving back in so you would rather go back to dating and see how things end up.

Taswama · 25/03/2021 16:35

I think you need to move back out and start again.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 25/03/2021 16:35

Urgh. WHY does he let the kids eat & do crafts in his/your bed? Is it a studio flat?

You need to have a proper chat to him & decide if you actually want to live together as lockdown is lifting.

If you both do, then you need to explain to him how you feel. You cannot just put up with feeling like that.