Not a step parent, not sure what I am - most definately confused and baffled

[Wheelyyyy]

Not sure where to put this thread...

I could do with some advice, advice or a hand hold or a empathetic 'your doing ok'...

Im 43 and my DC are now 19 and 20 - both at uni. I have been on mumsnet since my youngest was knee high lol

I met someone 18 months ago and he has 3 children 7, 10, 13. He has been seperated for three years and co parents 50/50.

Im finding it such a head twist.

In one hand my kids are grown up and i raised them on my own from 5. I ran the house, bedtime routines, meals and the usual things that come with parenting.
But now i seem to be in a scenario were im a silent partner. I dont seem to have a say over what goes on around me.
With my own kids, I set the rules i.e no crafting on mums bed or getting in with wet towels. I sorted the shopping and meal times. I suppose saying i had some authoirity in my own home and all that is none existant now.

Its difficult to build a rleationship with the kids becuase they have their Dad and mum lives around the corner and even when with dad sees them every day. This is wonderful for the kids i relalise but Im starting to feel like Im only good for cleaning and sex and listening to how DP day is or helping with mothersday cards
Because DP doesnt mind the crafting in our bed or eating the mcdonalds in our bed etc im starting to feel like im going to need to be the bad guy laying down some basic foundation boundaries but it almost doesnt feel like my place. Its a strange dynamic.
His kids are lovely and Im very fond of them and I want to support them all but im starting to feel detached.

Is it normal to feel like an outsider?
Is it normal to not have any say?

I raised to great sons and my day job is working with children and families being supportive and providing care so it feels even stranger that something Im good at and comes naturally, i have to shut down. I feel like i have to be someone else in this setting in my home.

This all probably sounds daft and obvious to others but i feel a little in the woods. DP says to give it all time but i really dont feel supported and wondering why Im here. I wouldnt just miss my DP but Id be so sad at loosing 3 children too. Which is a strange feeling because they are not even mine and they are very indifferent to me.

Id love my lads to be apart of this because thats familiar but they are older and understandably getting on with creating a life of their own.

One confused and not being able to see the wood for the trees mumsnetter.

[Bird] there is a table :)
Its 3 storey house with an old boiler....downstairs is colder and its felt cold snd dreary.
Our room has a tv, is cosy warm and with DP working from home till 5ish....the youngest has migrated to that room while Dad is still on calls after school.

DP gets to finish work in peace knowing shes happy and warm. I get home and the carnage has already happened.

I actually said for her not to take food upstairs after writimg this post..im weidly home earlier tonight. She isnt happy and there was doscussion about ot being Dads bed not mine. Ive let DP know, i know he'll back me up. But tomorrow i wont be there and he'll be on calls and naturally shell be hungry, bored and wanting to snuggle up with tv in the big bed...what kid wouldnt if they could get away with it lol my two certainly would have

Honestly OP, it's perfectly fine to say it's too much too soon and you need to move back home. Buying a joint house together will put you in a better position. Or...... You have a rather frank discussion when the kids aren't there and tell him what you've told us.

If you’re so sure he’ll back you up then you can tell him to make it a blanket rule and not risk being the bad guy tomorrow when she reverts to her previous normal. Or are you not so sure?

Ill have a think tonight about moving out again.
I just didnt want to throw the bath water out with the baby / crack an egg with a hammer

@Taswama

I think you need to move back out and start again.

So do I. You jumped in too quickly.

Mmmm.

Well he can't have it both ways, can he?

His home with his kids, his rules...

... his job to clean and cook, too.

If you're a guest, it's absolutely fine for you to behave like one.

Why on earth are you taking over the cleaning of a house belonging to someone else which you moved into a month ago?

Can you IMAGINE that happening in reverse?!!

Oh wait, it's because you have one of those amazing 'vaginas' which are not only great for sex, but come attached to a more or less human multi-purpose cleaning tool.

Move out. I half joke above - the real issue here is that it's gone far far too fast. His kis hardly know you, it's their home - you can't start making the rules really. But by the same token neither should you be responsible for the running of your bf's house. He's definitely a piss taker!

Oh blimey, OP, you're a better woman than I am. No way would I live with children that age and a man who doesn't back me up. You have your freedom now that your children have left home - it's clear you brought your boys up well - why would you go back to living with children who aren't yours?

[Anne] maybe im not so sure he will on the basis its making his life easier at the minute

@Wheelyyyy

Ill have a think tonight about moving out again. I just didnt want to throw the bath water out with the baby / crack an egg with a hammer

It's not, though. It's really REALLY important to set the tone for this stuff early on. Honestly - he sounds a very typical piss taker. Now a woman has arrived on the scene, that's it - no need for Mr Big Balls to clean a loo any more!

If that's the case - nip it in the bud using a chainsaw, right now.

[Yoni] im naturally a whirlwind..i tidy, sort as i go....after raising my two...its become a habit. Im not a neat freak but when im anxious i tidy and sort. My two would say....mums on a crusade again.

Ive been more anxious given circumstances and the gyms have been closed and i dont like running in the dark...ive been tidying more cause of that really.

Its youngests birthday soon. Its at mums...im not invited. Dad is. I feel a bit weitd about that as its in her house which means her Dp will there...mum there and Dad (Dp) but i dont think id go anyway as it would feel weird...maybe thats why im not invited. But i half feel DP should be staying this is unfair. One thing im finding is that these situations are not clear cut...no hard and fast rule

Oh thats not meant to be a sad face lol

Id put Yoni in brackets as in Yoni mumsnetter lol

Flick sake, i think im moving home...

Because its not my house, i was only there temp initially and it being the house theyve grown up in...ive found it hard to feel ok to put my foot down especially because its covid and its not been easy for kids not seeing friends, not having places to go, weather being grey, cold, dismal....even my kids wouldve got away with more under current circumstances
at some level he has registered all this and is exploiting it for his benefit, if he can get you to accept this as normal when you're in his home he'll can use that as a ramp to give him the most power and control if you do get a place jointly
But now i seem to be in a scenario were im a silent partner. I dont seem to have a say over what goes on around me
this is him telling you who he is, ie a person who seeks to be the one in charge, there is no partnership, 'him tarzan you jane must do wifework'
that's my (admittedly cynical) take...

Look at this in a slightly different way. You've had a trial run, some parts work and some don't.
I think it is relevant that this is the first post break up relationship and I reckon he really hasn't thought too hard about the fact that you come with your own habits and expectations and he can't just expect you to fit into his home without some changes. He needs to be willing to work with you to make this house home for all of you - that means that the kids may have to make some adjustments too. What happens if your kids come to stay?
You definitely need to talk about this before you rent out your home. If you can't get some compromise, then you're not ready to live together yet.
I moved into the 'family' home but DH had already completely redecorated and bought new furniture so it wasn't the same place as his wife had lived in.
If it makes sense for you all to stay in this house, maybe you also need to redecorate - make the communal spaces more inviting for example.
You can't just move in and only be allowed to exist on the fringes.

So I'd say 18 months is pretty much an established relationship..... More so you're now living together but you're not invited to the birthday celebrations.... And your DP has said nothing!? Sorry but that is a sure sign of what is to come.

It sounds shit and miserable. All their problems becoming your problems and your responsibilities with no benefits.

Who the hell let's their kids eat McDonald's in bed 🤢

Why has he said you’re not invited?

What did you do at Christmas?

Do you have anywhere else to go, op, or did you give up your home to move in with him and his kids? What on earth were you thinking, you could have carried on as you were. Lockdown won't last forever even if it does seem that way at the moment.

@KirstenBlest

You are nanny and housekeeper to Disney Dad's kids.

This!

You're allowed to have boundaries with the kids in your home OP. Plus to discuss house rules and behaviour with your husband so you can be a united front. Sure, you can't really be the one to make them do their homework yet or be bad cop when it comes to certain things, but in the examples you gave, you would be completely entitled to put your foot down!

Im starting to feel like Im only good for cleaning and sex This is from your first post.

It won't get better. Imagine when they're all teenagers! It isn't working and because of the difference in your attitudes and parenting styles it isn't going to work.

A man who won't parent his dc when it's necessary needs running from imo. I defy anyone to say they would want to sleep surrounded by fries /bead and such shite...

God yes!

He really is not parenting.

4 weeks?! Easy to get out of.

Ask yourself why you would want to put up with this......

Oh sorry just seen it's not your home. But you're still entitled to boundaries.

Anne he hasnt said im not invited but has said he'll only go for an hour or two as doesnt want to play happy families.

I asked if mums DP will be there. He said he didnt kniw but as he luves their then possibly. I said it feels weird that its not even a conversation for me to go but as its her house and her friends will be there that i think id say no. If his youngest asked me to go...id go for a bief time.

Its not just sitting well with me but that maybe because im feel a bit uneasy about my place in this dynamic

Jess...i do i have my house i can go back to