Not a step parent, not sure what I am - most definately confused and baffled

[Wheelyyyy]

Not sure where to put this thread...

I could do with some advice, advice or a hand hold or a empathetic 'your doing ok'...

Im 43 and my DC are now 19 and 20 - both at uni. I have been on mumsnet since my youngest was knee high lol

I met someone 18 months ago and he has 3 children 7, 10, 13. He has been seperated for three years and co parents 50/50.

Im finding it such a head twist.

In one hand my kids are grown up and i raised them on my own from 5. I ran the house, bedtime routines, meals and the usual things that come with parenting.
But now i seem to be in a scenario were im a silent partner. I dont seem to have a say over what goes on around me.
With my own kids, I set the rules i.e no crafting on mums bed or getting in with wet towels. I sorted the shopping and meal times. I suppose saying i had some authoirity in my own home and all that is none existant now.

Its difficult to build a rleationship with the kids becuase they have their Dad and mum lives around the corner and even when with dad sees them every day. This is wonderful for the kids i relalise but Im starting to feel like Im only good for cleaning and sex and listening to how DP day is or helping with mothersday cards
Because DP doesnt mind the crafting in our bed or eating the mcdonalds in our bed etc im starting to feel like im going to need to be the bad guy laying down some basic foundation boundaries but it almost doesnt feel like my place. Its a strange dynamic.
His kids are lovely and Im very fond of them and I want to support them all but im starting to feel detached.

Is it normal to feel like an outsider?
Is it normal to not have any say?

I raised to great sons and my day job is working with children and families being supportive and providing care so it feels even stranger that something Im good at and comes naturally, i have to shut down. I feel like i have to be someone else in this setting in my home.

This all probably sounds daft and obvious to others but i feel a little in the woods. DP says to give it all time but i really dont feel supported and wondering why Im here. I wouldnt just miss my DP but Id be so sad at loosing 3 children too. Which is a strange feeling because they are not even mine and they are very indifferent to me.

Id love my lads to be apart of this because thats familiar but they are older and understandably getting on with creating a life of their own.

One confused and not being able to see the wood for the trees mumsnetter.

Personally, I couldn't live like that. I would leave.

It's a bit forced because of lock down so you haven't had the chance to work through all this before it was foisted on you both. He certainly has it very easy atm though, you clear up the shit and he sits back and does fuck all. Very nice.

I'd start with telling him it's not working for you, and go from there. But I would make sure that you have your house available until these niggles are properly worked out, and that includes him pitching in with cooking, cleaning and proper parenting.

BTW notice the 'women's curfew' there? We can't go for a run after dark. I certainly don't either.

I would return to my own house. You stated that part of the reason you moved in was to see if you could live together. You're not comfortable there and it sounds like you have no space to yourself which would drive me crazy. Life's too short.

The plan is to look at buying together in a years time give or take

His parenting is really not going to change, even if you do share the house.

I'm with those who suggest moving out again and just date. Much more fun. And at least the loos you clean are your own.

You moved in because of lockdown... and you can move out again now lockdown is lifting.

Go back to dating. See how you feel, see how things develop. The kids know you so obviously you can still stay over, spend time with them etc, but keep your own space, your own home and your own bed. And your own boundaries.

In a couple of years time if you both still want to move in together then you can buy a new home (which I think is going to be essential) and have a much more intentional discussion about parenting, boundaries, etc.

I think because of Covid driving things, (moving in together without establishing ground rules, DP working from home, and children being off school) things have gone understandably awry.

Don’t panic though, you’ve still got your own house. I’d discuss this with DP maybe saying you think for the time being it would be better to keep your own property as your own main base for the time being. Maybe both visiting each other most of the time. This will help you to build a suitable living together arrangement that works for both of you, and allow you to start establishing your own ground rules for the future when you eventually buy something together.

Hopefully this will help you not feel like an outsider in your own life, and strengthen your relationship as a couple. As the children get older some of the issues will start taking care of themselves (crafting in the bed!). But it may also make your DP understand that you are a person who needs consideration, not just someone who needs to fit around his established routines with his DC.

And just don't clean his house when you visit.

After all your updates, you should go home and start dating again from the beginning

Let him parent his own children

Quite frankly I can't think of anything worse than small kids again

Good. Please go back to it. Tell boyfriend you feel that you both rushed into living together too soon.

You can still see him but won't be expected to be any sort of step mother. I hope he doesn't take it too badly.

Id be back in my own house ASAP. Could not tolerate McDonald's and craft crap in the bed, nor being told it was 'dad's bed'. He doesnt sound very appealing tbh

Regarding buying a house... There's another 11-12 years before his youngest moves out. There's a really high chance this relationship won't last. If you buy somewhere together it'll be a nightmare trying to separate finances and you'll feel a shit because his kids are living there part of the time. Do you really want to go through the teenage years with them, just when you're tasting freedom as your own children have left home?

I'm staying with my dp just like you are with yours due to covid and lockdown. Luckily were older so no children involved. I don't do the cleaning though. 50/50 cooking and washing up, occasional hoovering - once every few weeks. It works fine.

So he gets free childcare and a tidy house. What are you getting out of this?

@Cherrysoup this. Sounds like general dogsbody status. He sounds like a Disney dad. The eating McDonald’s in your bed

@EL8888 totally. No food/drink in the bedrooms bar water for during the night. The dd is-quite naturally-asserting herself and thinks this is dad’s house (it is!)

Honestly, OP, do you see what is going on? How much you do in his house?

@Wheelyyyy you've actually moved into THEIR house and only 4 weeks ago.
I wouldn't let my DD craft or eat McDs in my bed but it sounds like what they've always done.
A bit unfair to move in in such a short space of time and a massive change for the kids as it is, without all these new rules at the same time.

If they've always eaten McDs in their dads bed for however many years, you can't suddenly appear in their lives, move in very quickly and within weeks start laying down the law

@EL8888 exactly - it's this kind of permissive parenting where kids are running the show that gives single parents a bad name in the dating game.

The OP seems to find it too uncomfortable to be able to say "Hey the eating & craft in bed is bothering me. I need my bedroom to feel like my own place, is it possible the kids could not be in the bed?

Many people would not be OK with these activities taking place in their bed, or other people being in their bed.

The issue is she has also moved into the old marital home so it's harder to establish rules & boundaries when it's been their house & rules before she arrived.

This is the kind of thing I used to put up with but no more, however wouldn't date a single dad again for reasons similar to this...

Always end up babysitting, cooking, cleaning & having sex etc but god forbid I should ever ask to have my own needs met.

This has been the case in every single parent I have ever dated (3)

I think single fathers do like to have someone do the mothering role, so they don't have to step up & do the boring/hard jobs.

@KirstenBlest

You are nanny and housekeeper to Disney Dad's kids.

How is he a Disney Dad if he has the kids 50% of the time?

Just move back home OP. I’m in a bubble with my partner but we haven’t had to move in together.

Op I would honestly move out.
You have to understand that's their childhood home and you can't just come in and start laying ground rules... Completely different if it's your house. But it's not..
I think you need to move out.. Have your space.. It'll make things immeasurably better.
As for being invited to the DDs birthday at mums house, you have to let things like this go.. Being dad's partner doesn't automatically mean you'll be invited to everything by mum. You can have your own celebration at dad's house for her.

@Bagamoyo1

Someone (to me) is a Disney Dad if they just want to do the fun stuff with their kids & not focus on the boring/hard tasks of parenting them

Eg: no homework, everything is all fun & games, doesn't enjoy watching them & has a partner do it, lets them eat whatever junk food without concern of their health, etc.

You could still have your kids 50% of the time & be a Disney Dad.

@Szyz2020

Why on earth would you want to start again with parenting dc of that age when you’ve done all the hard graft for your own children and on your own?! I reckon you deserve your own space and time - unless you are very keen to create a family, step back. Date the guy but don’t live together and get sucked into all the family drudgery!!

Totally agree with this. It’s one of the reasons DP and I don’t live together after 8 years together - I couldn’t share my space with kids who don’t have the same boundaries as mine. I don’t have rules as such, but we’ve all settled in to our routines and foibles which it would be hard to match up with another family.

I don’t even like sharing a bed with DP’s DCs let alone having them eat in bed or god forbid using glitter and sequins etc! His youngest used to come and get in between us and then he’d go back to sleep and I’d be left to entertain her as I’m a light sleeper. Used to drive me mad, as my own DC never really wanted to come into my bed, so I wasn’t used to it. It took a while (and a few arguments) for him to see my side, and understand that to me my bed is a sacred space and that if he wanted it to be a place where sex happened, it wasn’t also going to be a place where kids hung out! He still thinks I’m unreasonable but they don’t really stay over any more so it’s not an issue. I spend time with him at my house and then occasionally go to his for the evening, but don’t stay over. It works for us.

He has invited you in for sex and cleaning, but it doesn't sound like he values you; e.g. he doesn't discuss with you how you are feeling, make you feel welcome. It's like you're OK, but not important to him. It's more a convenience than committed relationship.

@HoldontoOneMoreDay

You moved in because of lockdown... and you can move out again now lockdown is lifting.

Go back to dating. See how you feel, see how things develop. The kids know you so obviously you can still stay over, spend time with them etc, but keep your own space, your own home and your own bed. And your own boundaries.

In a couple of years time if you both still want to move in together then you can buy a new home (which I think is going to be essential) and have a much more intentional discussion about parenting, boundaries, etc.

All of this

I'm looking at this from outside obviously. It seems to me that your bloke is having his cake and eating it and you are cleaning up the crumbs.

Your posts are coming from a perspective that is kind and respectful but the kindness and respect is not being reciprocated.

I would be looking at your home as a bolt hole to escape to from the semi madness that is going on at his place and thinking I may have just dodged a bullet here OP if this were me obvs