Not a step parent, not sure what I am - most definately confused and baffled

[Wheelyyyy]

Not sure where to put this thread...

I could do with some advice, advice or a hand hold or a empathetic 'your doing ok'...

Im 43 and my DC are now 19 and 20 - both at uni. I have been on mumsnet since my youngest was knee high lol

I met someone 18 months ago and he has 3 children 7, 10, 13. He has been seperated for three years and co parents 50/50.

Im finding it such a head twist.

In one hand my kids are grown up and i raised them on my own from 5. I ran the house, bedtime routines, meals and the usual things that come with parenting.
But now i seem to be in a scenario were im a silent partner. I dont seem to have a say over what goes on around me.
With my own kids, I set the rules i.e no crafting on mums bed or getting in with wet towels. I sorted the shopping and meal times. I suppose saying i had some authoirity in my own home and all that is none existant now.

Its difficult to build a rleationship with the kids becuase they have their Dad and mum lives around the corner and even when with dad sees them every day. This is wonderful for the kids i relalise but Im starting to feel like Im only good for cleaning and sex and listening to how DP day is or helping with mothersday cards
Because DP doesnt mind the crafting in our bed or eating the mcdonalds in our bed etc im starting to feel like im going to need to be the bad guy laying down some basic foundation boundaries but it almost doesnt feel like my place. Its a strange dynamic.
His kids are lovely and Im very fond of them and I want to support them all but im starting to feel detached.

Is it normal to feel like an outsider?
Is it normal to not have any say?

I raised to great sons and my day job is working with children and families being supportive and providing care so it feels even stranger that something Im good at and comes naturally, i have to shut down. I feel like i have to be someone else in this setting in my home.

This all probably sounds daft and obvious to others but i feel a little in the woods. DP says to give it all time but i really dont feel supported and wondering why Im here. I wouldnt just miss my DP but Id be so sad at loosing 3 children too. Which is a strange feeling because they are not even mine and they are very indifferent to me.

Id love my lads to be apart of this because thats familiar but they are older and understandably getting on with creating a life of their own.

One confused and not being able to see the wood for the trees mumsnetter.

Lockdown isn’t a good excuse to fast track things without adequate discussion.

Why are you only involved in cleaning and sex? That can’t feel very good.

I’m a stepmum, we got a place together and agreed where we stood on big issues. I wouldn’t put up with having no say on what my bedroom was used for but I wouldn’t have done what you have and moved in with him, into his existing home, where you’re stuck with his rules.

Where were you living before? Do you still have it to move back to?

He’s not interested in what you think, that’s clear. He’s benefitting from the live in housekeeper and shag buddy but I’m not sure what you’re getting out of it.

Way too much too soon op. Proven by the fact it’s only been 4 weeks and already you’re feeling like an outsider in your own home. Probably because it’s really not your home, it’s your oh and his children’s. It’s going to be practically impossible to start throwing your weight around and giving out rules and demands about his house and children. I’d be moving back out ASAP and reviewing the whole situation

Why did you move in with him?

Can't believe nobody has said this but... You seem like such a lovely and caring person OP!

Personally I don't think it matters what you are as such.

But it matters to you that the room you sleep in is your private space (I agree! I am a LP to my ds and always have been and that's my room and my only space that's mine!)

All you can do - and soon - is talk to DP. Explain how you feel and that if you are to continue living together you need to know you can have your own space.

I'm assuming as you don't say otherwise and said "went to stay" you still have your own place? If so that's easier to say you will move back out of you cannot have a bed that's yours!

Tbh I wouldn't have moved in with someone in that situation...is it his house? Are you staying long term? If you are then it becomes your home as well and you do get to have a say in those things.

I'd just move back out OP.... Continue the relationship by all means but step back. I am assuming you didn't give up your own home!?

When yous are ready to move in, it needs to be joint decisions and joint rules.

Yes you need to explain a bit more about what happened to your house when you moved in and what happens when your children come home ? .

Can you just date but not live together again ?

This may not be helpful, OP, I don’t know - but if I had two adult DC there is no way I’d be shacking up with a man with three young kids. Certainly not after 18 months and possibly never.

@KirstenBlest

You are nanny and housekeeper to Disney Dad's kids.

This.

Move back out and see how it goes.

It might not be your place to tell the children what is acceptable, but you are well within your rights to discuss boundaries with your partner.

I'd tread carefully because changing things too drastically could have a negative impact on the children (e.g. saying no crafting or McDonald's in the bed seems fair enough but banning them altogether seems harsh).

Admittedly it's more difficult if you have moved into their home rather than moving to a new house together, but even if this is the case, you deserve a say in how your home is run (especially in your bedroom).

Are they in your home or are you in his home?

If it's your home of course you can lay down some rules!

If you feel like you're only good for cleaning and sex then I'd be off.

@Wheelyyyy just to note on MN moving in with anyone prior to being together for at least a hundred years is a no-no. Especially as a "step parent"... when you should live in isolation, preferably in a cave with cats for company.

You’ve been there 4 weeks?

You’re not enjoying it

You think you’re there for cleaning and sex and his parenting/relationship split is a fucking mess!

Go home love. Move out and go back home.

This is a disaster

I guess now you are in his space you are seeing his parenting and how he runs his house. Maybe you're not compatible.

I have adult sc and won't date men with younger children. It's different life stages and you have to agree on parenting as it will never work otherwise. You can tell him that you don't like his parenting and he can choose to ignore you..or he may change briefly and go back to his preferred parenting approach. I can't see this getting better and you'll just feel more resentful.

A relationship isn't just about attraction, you have to share parenting,household and financial values, otherwise it's just too much compromise

If it’s his house you have no right to tell him he can’t have the kids In his bed. You can tell him you don’t like it but ultimately it’s his choice.

All sounds too rushed to me. Maybe move back to your place and go more slowly with the relationship and with the kids etc.

Fuck that for a laugh. Move back home pronto!

Is there no table?!

My kids are almost grown up, and I love small children, but I don’t think I could move in with someone with small kids and do it all all over again. It sounds like - understandably - you’ve pressed fast forward due to lockdown, and you maybe need to back up a bit. Doesn’t make either of you wrong, or bad people, and you can still be a couple, just in separate houses.

We’re coming out of lockdown soon.

Move out. See him the 50% of the time he doesn’t have his kids. Go home to your nice quiet house afterwards.

Hi thanks for your replies!

Its his house that he and ex have raised children in. Their mum wanted to move out for a fresh start and DP bought her out and she lives now not to far away.

The plan is to look at buying together in a years time give or take....make sure we can live together and not upheave the kids until we know for sure.

I havent rented my house yet...i wanted to know that i had somewhere to go should i need it. It will need to be rented as financially im paying for mine and a percentage of general bills food etc at his.

We didnt lay ground rules...as it was a bit rushed and i was only 'staying' until lockdown lifted but there is alot that works and we chatted about making it more permanent and like a wuss ive gotten used to starting the day and ending the day with him and or him and kids when there.

Because its not my house, i was only there temp initially and it being the house theyve grown up in...ive found it hard to feel ok to put my foot down especially because its covid and its not been easy for kids not seeing friends, not having places to go, weather being grey, cold, dismal....even my kids wouldve got away with more under current circumstances.

[Beamur] it is Dp's first relationship after marriage

It is ok to change your mind and say this doesn't work for me. Why on EARTH would you want to take such a massive step back and have to deal with young children again? Your boyfriend is taking the pics and this whole situation is going to get far, far worse. Move him out immediately.

Sorry, just saw you're at his, but thank fuck you have your own home to go back to. Do so right away and reevaluate this whole thing.