Not a step parent, not sure what I am - most definately confused and baffled

[Wheelyyyy]

Not sure where to put this thread...

I could do with some advice, advice or a hand hold or a empathetic 'your doing ok'...

Im 43 and my DC are now 19 and 20 - both at uni. I have been on mumsnet since my youngest was knee high lol

I met someone 18 months ago and he has 3 children 7, 10, 13. He has been seperated for three years and co parents 50/50.

Im finding it such a head twist.

In one hand my kids are grown up and i raised them on my own from 5. I ran the house, bedtime routines, meals and the usual things that come with parenting.
But now i seem to be in a scenario were im a silent partner. I dont seem to have a say over what goes on around me.
With my own kids, I set the rules i.e no crafting on mums bed or getting in with wet towels. I sorted the shopping and meal times. I suppose saying i had some authoirity in my own home and all that is none existant now.

Its difficult to build a rleationship with the kids becuase they have their Dad and mum lives around the corner and even when with dad sees them every day. This is wonderful for the kids i relalise but Im starting to feel like Im only good for cleaning and sex and listening to how DP day is or helping with mothersday cards
Because DP doesnt mind the crafting in our bed or eating the mcdonalds in our bed etc im starting to feel like im going to need to be the bad guy laying down some basic foundation boundaries but it almost doesnt feel like my place. Its a strange dynamic.
His kids are lovely and Im very fond of them and I want to support them all but im starting to feel detached.

Is it normal to feel like an outsider?
Is it normal to not have any say?

I raised to great sons and my day job is working with children and families being supportive and providing care so it feels even stranger that something Im good at and comes naturally, i have to shut down. I feel like i have to be someone else in this setting in my home.

This all probably sounds daft and obvious to others but i feel a little in the woods. DP says to give it all time but i really dont feel supported and wondering why Im here. I wouldnt just miss my DP but Id be so sad at loosing 3 children too. Which is a strange feeling because they are not even mine and they are very indifferent to me.

Id love my lads to be apart of this because thats familiar but they are older and understandably getting on with creating a life of their own.

One confused and not being able to see the wood for the trees mumsnetter.

@Bagamoyo1, what @gutful said.

The 50:50 IMO means he gets out of CMS payments, but is not doing much in terms of parenting - DCs eating takeaways in bed?

Conveniently finds a single woman with adult children to move in and be a nanny, cleaner and sex partner.

I'm sure that his DC think they have a great dad. Few boundaries.

It would be interesting to see the XW's take on this. I imagine she has to deal with DC who do as they please half the time.

Ooh, I would definitely live in my own place in your situation, OP! Do you live nearby? You will have all your space and freedom and won't need to worry about all this stuff with young kids.

Also - after lockdown make sure that you and your partner go out together, do fun things. No way should you be just cooking and cleaning and doing all the crap bits!

Fwiw, in your shoes I think I wouldn't make the move in permanent or full time yet.
Really don't fall into housekeeping habits.

Oof this sounds hard work. Move back out for now, as lockdowns lifting. I presume you can still be a bubble?

If you decide to move in together in the future, you need to have much more detailed conversations about what everyone's roles will be, and how house rules are agreed.