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Original poster

Was I wrong to ask?

108 replies

Imjustsootired · 21/03/2021 20:12

Such a dilemma tonight, so tired of feeling this way and would love some perspective

I've been chatting to a man for a year now. We're both in relationships, so was never meant to be a love story but I'm stuck between trying to be relaxed and not asking too much and being taken for an idiot.

I have a major crush on him so probably let him get away with more than he should but I feel a point has come and i need to tell him to fuxk off. His contact has been consistent but sometimes left me cold, taking days to reply, giving me the impression he wasn't too bothered, always busy with home life etc.. I understood, i was too. I was patient, i always replied when he messaged me. We met in December, had a drink and a kiss. Contact, messages, video calls, pics, continued. Then, by accident really, i saw he was still active on the site we met on. Active 24 hrs ago. It really stung and fed up with playing cool, I told him so. His reply "yeah I've popped on every now and then during moments of boredom in lockdown. Not meeting anyone else but you though". That was it for me... why go back on? Clearly I am not enough.

He says no, it was just boredom. But when I sometimes wait days for a reply because he is so "busy', this seems like bullshit.

Yes were both married and I understand you'll have a view on that but without knowing our circumstances I'd ask you not to judge. Rather, should I really believe what hes saying? Hes always stayed in touch with me. A year now. So it seems like he cares but this has left me reeling.

Any thoughts....x

OP posts:
Original poster
Imjustsootired · 21/03/2021 20:14

Just to add, we had also arranged to meet again in 6 weeks. Overnight stay in a hotel. So really, am I overreacting to be hurt when I see him still on these sites ?

OP posts:
justawoman · 21/03/2021 20:17

If he’s cheating on his wife with you, what on earth makes you think he won’t cheat on you with the next woman?

TomHardyAndMe · 21/03/2021 20:18

Karma?

guest2013 · 21/03/2021 20:20

You are not his priority. He doesn't care about you and even if he doesn't have someone right now, he's looking for it. He sounds like a serial cheat, always chasing the high and the thrill of something else. He will never, ever make you happy.

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 21/03/2021 20:21

You’re pissed off someone you know for a fact is a cheat is cheating on you?

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/03/2021 20:21

Should you believe what a lying cheat says?

Ummmmmmmmmm probably not. Hmm

Original poster
Imjustsootired · 21/03/2021 20:21

Ahh I figured I get no sensible advice just instant hate because of the situation. If you knew why, you'd be less harsh trust me

Forget it..x

OP posts:
Original poster
Imjustsootired · 21/03/2021 20:22

@guest2013

Yeah I guess I know that. Just wish it wasn't the case

OP posts:
justawoman · 21/03/2021 20:22

I’m not actually judging you, OP, I have no right to do that. I’m genuinely bemused as to why you seem to expect fidelity from this man given the circumstances and how you met?

Original poster
Imjustsootired · 21/03/2021 20:24

@justawoman

Because we both needed someone and it was made clear it was just the one person. This was the deal. I'm just confused and hurt.

OP posts:
year5teacher · 21/03/2021 20:25

So you’re just... continuing an affair and asking advice on it?
No. And no one can read your mind if you don’t tell us this huge back story which cleaaaarly justifies it, honest! Hmm

There’s definitely something weird about people who can continually deceive someone they’re supposed to care about. Maybe you should dedicate your time to considering why you think that’s an acceptable way to behave. And if you are in an abusive relationship and that’s why you’re cheating, how to get out of it.

Ladydayblues1 · 21/03/2021 20:27

If he is able to lie to the person he lives with, why would he be different with you. Are you trying to convince yourself it's love?

Chances are very high that he is doing hook ups whenever he can.

RevolvingPivot · 21/03/2021 20:29

Maybe he also wonders why you were back on the dating site?

Original poster
Imjustsootired · 21/03/2021 20:33

He did wonder, and asked. I told him even though it revealed me to be the psycho I clearly am. I went on to see when he was last active. I have no interest in anyone else but him and I've told him.this.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/03/2021 20:33

[quote Imjustsootired]@justawoman

Because we both needed someone and it was made clear it was just the one person. This was the deal. I'm just confused and hurt.[/quote]
What's the 'deal' in both your marriages? Because if it's also the expectation of fidelity, you're both obviously not great at keeping to the deal.

AllDoneIn · 21/03/2021 20:33

I don't give people a kicking on here but genuinely like others I am confused. You are two cheaters in a cheating relationship. Why on earth would you expect fidelity? Do you think you are star crossed lovers? This man is having an absolute laugh at your expense. I can't even be annoyed at you because it's pitiful.

Do yourself a favour and walk away with a shred of dignity.

Loopyloututu2 · 21/03/2021 20:39

Why don’t you leave your spouses?

This is what I don’t understand about cheaters. Unless you are being kept under house arrest you have a choice - you can leave.

Generally it’s just because people who cheat want to have their cake and eat it. They still get something they need from their marriage (love, comfort, cozy family life, money etc) but get the excitement/sexual thrill they crave from an affair. It’s so selfish.

Shoxfordian · 21/03/2021 20:41

He’s already shown you he can cheat on his wife so why do you think you’re any different? Have some integrity and leave your husband

Bluntness100 · 21/03/2021 20:45

I think the confusion op is you say you’ve been chatting to a man for a year. Do you mean you’ve been having an affair for a year, he doesn’t respond to you quickly enough, and now you’ve found him back on the site you met him on, but you’re meeting for a shag in six weeks?

edwinbear · 21/03/2021 20:48

With people like this OP, they get bored easily. I suspect he does like you, but after a year of primarily just messaging back and forth, he’s bored with it. That excitement of the early days have gone. I think your instinct to tell him to fuck off is spot on.

dillydallydollydaydream7 · 21/03/2021 20:55

Out of curiosity, what age bracket is he?

Original poster
Imjustsootired · 21/03/2021 20:55

@bluntness100 pretty much, yep

@edwinbear. I know. I'm just gutted, I really dont want to !

To all those saying I'm a fool expecting fidelity from a cheat. Well, I'm a cheat. I'm cheating on my husband but I chose this man to do it with. Thats enough for me. No need for more and more and more. One person. He said he needed the same, that's all. I believed him as I am capable of it so why couldn't he be ?

I understand and accept the judgement here. My point really was though, should I put up and shut up because I'm his side bit with no rights or say, no, hang on now you're taking the piss!! I chose the latter and I know it was right but I'm fuxking gutted. Wanted a view on whether I had overreacted calling him out on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imjustsootired · 21/03/2021 20:56

Were both 40

OP posts:
LatteLoverLovesLattes · 21/03/2021 20:58

I'm sorry you're hurting.

I'll take it at face value that you both have mitigating circumstances to be having an affair (and in reality, they do exist)

Do either of you intend to leave your spouses? Or is the intention to remain in your marriages, but also be together (neither seeing anyone else) ?

If you've had the discussion (as it seems you have) that neither of you are seeing others, have you had a discussion that you'd be together if it was possible? Or is it very much a 'here & now' deal?

Given he's left it days between contact, but has been on the meet-up site because he was bored I would try to find the strength to dump him. That's not always easy though, when you've fallen for them...

I do think though, that this relationship is likely to really mess you up, because despite having you, in addition to his wife, he's still pissing about on a meet up site AND leaving you dangling for days on end. No matter what he says, his actions seem to show that he sees you as a bit of a casual deal.

Otter71 · 21/03/2021 21:00

Maybe he just went on because they charged him and he forgot he had paid a years premium subscription and went on to cancel. Caught out on that myself once.
Maybe he does just want one at a time but was looking to see if there was anything else he fancied more. Maybe this is just a boredom thing. After all I would suggest look but don't touch is fine.
Maybe a family member went on before you to see what he was up to and he is now in deep water bit didn't want to say?
At the end of the day I don't get cheating but mostly because my life is sufficiently busy that when I thought about trying I rapidly realised I couldn't work out how to fit it in and that I couldn't handle the stress...
I don't know the circumstances and have known people to stay in a marriage and agree that a certain type of affair is OK. I hope that your spouse knows enough but not too much.
Unless you trust him enough to be honest you can never know. But if you can't trust him can you trust him not to tell someone you would rather didn't know if that is the case?
Good luck

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