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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was I wrong to ask?

108 replies

Imjustsootired · 21/03/2021 20:12

Such a dilemma tonight, so tired of feeling this way and would love some perspective

I've been chatting to a man for a year now. We're both in relationships, so was never meant to be a love story but I'm stuck between trying to be relaxed and not asking too much and being taken for an idiot.

I have a major crush on him so probably let him get away with more than he should but I feel a point has come and i need to tell him to fuxk off. His contact has been consistent but sometimes left me cold, taking days to reply, giving me the impression he wasn't too bothered, always busy with home life etc.. I understood, i was too. I was patient, i always replied when he messaged me. We met in December, had a drink and a kiss. Contact, messages, video calls, pics, continued. Then, by accident really, i saw he was still active on the site we met on. Active 24 hrs ago. It really stung and fed up with playing cool, I told him so. His reply "yeah I've popped on every now and then during moments of boredom in lockdown. Not meeting anyone else but you though". That was it for me... why go back on? Clearly I am not enough.

He says no, it was just boredom. But when I sometimes wait days for a reply because he is so "busy', this seems like bullshit.

Yes were both married and I understand you'll have a view on that but without knowing our circumstances I'd ask you not to judge. Rather, should I really believe what hes saying? Hes always stayed in touch with me. A year now. So it seems like he cares but this has left me reeling.

Any thoughts....x

OP posts:
Original poster
Imjustsootired · 22/03/2021 13:29

@edwinbear

Thank you for being kind. I know I'm looked down on for cheating and perhaps am getting what I deserved...who knows...all I know is it fucking hurts like hell. I could honestly slap the bastard, so unnecessary. Wild horses would not get me meeting with him again, I'm so gutted.

I'm going to wait until the next message then tell him I met someone else. Which is not true, and I'm sure he won't care but that's that
X

OP posts:
SkySmiler · 22/03/2021 13:31

Really? REALLY?? He's cheating on his wife.with you and you're worried he's doing it to you.... wonder how 'gutted' his wife would be

Mermaidwaves · 22/03/2021 13:33

I suspect when he's been ignoring you and gone cold it's because he's been chatting to someone else, this is so common online, cheating or not. You will get hurt here as you have feelings and it's pretty guaranteed he won't, I'm not here to judge you OP and you sound like you're in pain. Please try and forget him as he WILL dump you when it suits him, it's just a matter of time. Imagine how much worse that will feel after you've slept with him?

CheapLeggings · 22/03/2021 13:43

I'm not judging because I think there is situations where an affair is understandable. Should someone give up sex forever at the OPs age of 40 if their partner can no longer due to ill health or disability? I don't think leaving the spouse in that situation would be the best thing for the spouse either if they are unable to live independently for example.

That being said, it doesn't sound like from your post OP that you are both in this situation and have approached with a similar mindset. You mention your husband's ill health, what is this mans home situation?

Meeting on a hook up site and him not communicating properly, saying he was looking again on the site because he was bored etc doesn't sound like the type of man to choose as an affair partner / sexual companion. I'd forget about this guy and try and find someone in a similar situation to yourself if your not in a position to leave your partner.

CantBeAssed · 22/03/2021 14:05

Please do the kindest thing, not just for your husband but yourself...leave your husband and this man and take time to reflect on your life and what you really want...with all due respect and reading between the lines you need to take time alone and get to know yourself and to also grow to like yourself.Flowers

Usagi12 · 22/03/2021 14:16

This can't be a real post, no-one could be this naive surely 🙄🙄

jelly79 · 22/03/2021 14:16

You joined a dating site when married? And met a married man?
You were on that site and noticed he was too?

And we are questioning loyalty?

Nope. There is none. And you know it. So does he.

What is it you actually want from this OP? A loyal affair? To feel like you are his only 'other'

Genuinely interested

Swordfish1 · 22/03/2021 14:17

Regarding my marriage. Couldn't leave DH hes not well and it would do him in

And you fucking another man wouldn't?

Glad you are ditching this one though. Perhaps put the energy into your marriage instead?

ravenmum · 22/03/2021 14:28

Sounds like you really, really wanted to have a crush on someone OP.
Guess your DH is in bleak situation healthwise and no amount of further "energy" is going to help?
If so it does sound as if this setback has just spelt it out to you how shite your situation is.

Original poster
Imjustsootired · 22/03/2021 14:28

@jelly79

Yes! That's all I wanted. No love, just excitement, intimacy, fun. With one person. I made it so clear. His original profile even said "just one person".

He is a cunt, I am done with him. After giving me all that rubbish about "popping" on every now and then, I created a fake profile and messaged him. He messaged back in seconds.

Its had a 2 fold effect on me and I'm reeling
Firstly, I've got to cut him off. This morning proves a) I am going fuxking mental, creating fake profiles and being a weirdo and b) he is a complete liar. I cant believe how quick he messaged back to the fake profile. Minutes later, he messaged me!!

Secondly, my self esteem is shot to shit
Clearly, I'm not enough
For him.
And he is hardly a model himself
I'm actually embarrassed, just an all round head fuck

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 22/03/2021 14:31

@Swordfish1

Regarding my marriage. Couldn't leave DH hes not well and it would do him in

And you fucking another man wouldn't?

Glad you are ditching this one though. Perhaps put the energy into your marriage instead?

Imagine if OP's DH has (possibly early onset) dementia though for instance?

Just a thought...

ravenmum · 22/03/2021 14:32

I'm not enough For him
He doesn't even know you properly, and you can't be sure what it is he really wants (just ego stroking?), so his judgement of whether you might be enough or not tells you nothing.

FantasticButtocks · 22/03/2021 14:34

@Imjustsootired

After giving me all that rubbish about "popping" on every now and then, I created a fake profile and messaged him. He messaged back in seconds.

At least you know for sure now. You are dodging a bullet Thanks

jelly79 · 22/03/2021 14:36

@Imjustsootired you seem to of realised quite a bit about him. Did you manage to realise much about yourself through this?

MissSmiley · 22/03/2021 14:40

@Imjustsootired I think you're getting a really hard time on here which is unfair on you, you obviously have a complicated situation at home, you do deserve some affection but I think it's the friendship part of the fwb that you were looking for really.

Make a thread about the situation with your husband, change name so it can't be linked and get some advice on that first. If it was just sex you wanted this wouldn't be hurting so much

Original poster
Imjustsootired · 22/03/2021 14:50

@Jelly79

I certainly have. I know I am trying. To keep DH in one piece, keep a home for my mother, a home for my kids all while I am slowly drowning every single day. Trapped. Not unhappy. Just not happy either. I have to be here, have to keep all this together for everyone, so many people including my mum who is disabled , content and happy. But I'm not doing too well, it's a show, I dont get anything from this that I need.... that's why I sought out someone else. Cant go but cant carry on so empty. I told him all.this. he knew

Anyway, like you've said at least I know for sure now. Just have to forget him and move on but I really didnt need this hurt.

OP posts:
StormcloakNord · 22/03/2021 14:52

@Imjustsootired you should consider moving on to your husband. What is stopping you concentrating on the marriage instead of trying to get your jollies with other people who are clearly awful people (as they're cheating in the first place Hmm)

crackingcrackers · 22/03/2021 14:53

It really isn't that YOU aren't enough. He's just greedy. I think you approached it in one way and he lied and said he felt the same way. You seemed to have fallen for his lies because you felt you had insight into his perspective because of your possible shared circumstances. He just saw it a tool to manipulate you. But that's him. Not you.

siyhack58342 · 22/03/2021 14:54

I think it's really hard to establish rules in an affair. Sounds like this guy has gotten into your head...I think you're missing more than the buzz of something fresh etc, seems very emotional for you. I would ditch him and try to really get to the bottom of what you are feeling rather than trying to block it out with some excitement

ravenmum · 22/03/2021 15:07

Whatever your problems, an affair is pretty likely to make you feel worse imho - the combination of the usual pitfalls of dating, plus the fact that most people looking for an affair really are dodgy, plus feeling bad about yourself for having an affair (however good the justification). But you've found that out. I bet there is a better solution to your issues. Keep looking.

2bazookas · 22/03/2021 15:16

A serial cheat has been flattering and grooming you for a one night shagathon.

What else did you expect?

waitingpatientlyforspring · 22/03/2021 15:21

He is cheating on his wife once with you so why would you think he wouldn't cheat on her a second time with someone else?

You don't really have any rights to be upset. If you are ok being with a married man why does it bother you that he has another partner?

CheapLeggings · 22/03/2021 15:26

@Imjustsootired

I'm going to have to name change after this, but I'll admit I'm having an affair with a married man. An accident in our 30s left my husband brain damaged and I'm now his carer.

After several years I realised I couldn't go on the rest of my life with no affection, but likewise didn't want to abandon my husband to a residential facility (parents dead and no siblings).

Through a carers support group I met a man in a similar situation, though older. It was nothing more than a friendship for those first few years, but then it developed into something more.

I don't love him but am fond of him - I still love my husband or rather the former him - but I'm glad I have this relationship and have no regrets. Sex is only one element of it, the friendship and conversion etc is important to me too.

dany174 · 22/03/2021 15:26

@MrsTerryPratchett

Regarding my marriage. Couldn't leave DH hes not well and it would do him in

Why not name change, leave it a few weeks and start a thread about that? Might get some useful answers. You never know.

@Imjustsootired This

You don't need an affair you need a therapist. You need to learn to put yourself first some time and not always be the one last in line. I don't know what health issues your DH has but don't throw your life away on a loveless marriage.

You need help sorting out your life, you are stuck and clearly very unhappy. An affair is not going to give you what you need. I think you are looking for someone to love you for who you are not for what you can do for them. Maybe even someone who might take care of your needs for once. You will not find that amongst the people looking for affairs, quite the opposite.

Take a step back, see where you can reach out for some real help. Some counseling might do you good. Maybe a charity that deals with your husbands health issues will have a support group you can join, maybe Age UK for your mother?

EarringsandLipstick · 22/03/2021 15:38

@CheapLeggings

Your post was very moving. I can't imagine how hard that must be 💔

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