Was I wrong to ask?

[Imjustsootired]

Such a dilemma tonight, so tired of feeling this way and would love some perspective

I've been chatting to a man for a year now. We're both in relationships, so was never meant to be a love story but I'm stuck between trying to be relaxed and not asking too much and being taken for an idiot.

I have a major crush on him so probably let him get away with more than he should but I feel a point has come and i need to tell him to fuxk off. His contact has been consistent but sometimes left me cold, taking days to reply, giving me the impression he wasn't too bothered, always busy with home life etc.. I understood, i was too. I was patient, i always replied when he messaged me. We met in December, had a drink and a kiss. Contact, messages, video calls, pics, continued. Then, by accident really, i saw he was still active on the site we met on. Active 24 hrs ago. It really stung and fed up with playing cool, I told him so. His reply "yeah I've popped on every now and then during moments of boredom in lockdown. Not meeting anyone else but you though". That was it for me... why go back on? Clearly I am not enough.

He says no, it was just boredom. But when I sometimes wait days for a reply because he is so "busy', this seems like bullshit.

Yes were both married and I understand you'll have a view on that but without knowing our circumstances I'd ask you not to judge. Rather, should I really believe what hes saying? Hes always stayed in touch with me. A year now. So it seems like he cares but this has left me reeling.

Any thoughts....x

He was obviously looking for more women to hook up with. If he cheats on his wife who he made vows to then he’s going to cheat on you...if you can call cheating on someone you’re cheating with, cheating.

You need to ask yourself what this man is giving you that you feel you can’t/don’t get from your husband.

Keep in mind while you are in contact with this man you won’t be able to resolve issues you have with your husband because you’re focusing on this “fantasy” man. You’ll always see your husband as the bad guy because you feel you have this alternative future which lets face it will never work out the way you want it to.

Do you really believe his situation is bad like yours? Okay. Cheats use excuses. Your both using a situation as an excuse, he is finding other woman, you know that.. He won't commit to you just like he won't commit to his wife. He wants his fun

Once again standard MN.

OP has said her situation is bad so all following posts excuse her behaviour...but not his.

He was/you were on a dating app while you were both married?

How can you ever trust him? You'd be wrong to.

And yes, you've found him back on the app. He also ignores you for days. He's a twat. Please block him on everything.

the effort is there

Nope. He has made a momentary effort to keep his iron in the fire so he has the opportunity for a shag. Other times, he hasn't bothered messaging you. That will probably happen again.

How many other women is he trying it on with? You have no wayy of knowing, but based on the silences etc, it seems likely you're not the only one. He doesn't care about you much.

I'm not judging you, I'm just saying he's not a good guy and not treating you well, and you should bin him.

@Imjustsootired
Whatever you choose to do is Your business.

But from my outside view :
He is using you and you feel that. If time was important you would feel like this a year in, secondly just because you act one way doesn't mean he does. Thirdly many people will continue to seek others while dating one person when they are lead to it's just then and that's with out cheating on another person.

Fourthly, don't fall for Words & length of time it's about actions. And from the little you describe it seems that he contacts you when he is bore ( pay attention to how he speaks about others & his actions) He enjoy the ego boast & the secret you both have.

And my last point and this is directed at you, you have replied to other comments as if you want to be treated respectful but guess you can't be due to the situation.
Why not?.. because cheating means that you have to just put up with crap?
No no no, that is what you have been doing with him from the beginning, waiting and getting just enough to keep you there. He acts interested & apologies when he needs to but that doesn't mean he feels how you do.

Now I do not support cheating at all, can't stand it, but I do not believe due to the situation you have to sit back and shut up.
If you are going to do this for whatever reason you should be having a good time/ better situation than your current or what was it all for?...

I think he is stringing you along, meeting in 6 weeks I feel will not happen but will keep you waiting until then. I strongly believe he doesn't have the feelings you have especially as you haven't met.

What does 'bored' mean?

Bored with you? Bored with his wife/life? Bored with what?

It's a very poor excuse.

I'm bored so I don't write to my love on the side, I go on a dating site and ... do what? Not flip through some other women?

It's a pretty ropey explanation.

Look, a year of talk is just that. It's sweet, it's exciting, it feels intimate, caring, romantic. You've kissed him. You're going to spend the night with him.

But this is a dalliance. And asking him to be 'monogamous' with you is a nice try, but you have zero control really over what he does.

Just keep your eyes open here. If not - maybe what you get from this is so good that you need to just take it for what it is, be happy with what you get and not think about what he might be doing the rest of the day.

And you have transferred your monogamous affections from your husband to him.

So if that hurts you, I'm afraid it's par for the course.

I'm sorry because the reality is, until you're free of your marriage and able to have a full life with a new partner, you'll have to come to terms with this slight limbo you're in.

If you really like him so much, and are so trapped for whatever reason in your marriage, maybe go for this night together and see how the reality feels. And talk to him.

You sound very vulnerable. We don't know what these reasons are you've mentioned so have to give you the benefit of the doubt about how/why you're stick like this. Just be careful with your heart.

You can't choose to roll with a pig and complain when you end up dirty

You are in limerence, Op. You aren't really in love with him. You are in love with the fantasy and excitement. It is already worn off for him, if indeed, he ever was limerent about you. Focus on yourself and try to develop love, respect and regard for yourself.

I’d drop him.
He’s still active on a dating site and goes days without contact. What’s the point in continuing? You might get an STD at most by the sounds of it.!

He enjoys the attention and uses it to suit himself.
He is keeping his options open by going on the site when he is "bored".
Basically he is playing the field.
Sounds like unneeded mind games.
Your invested in him and he's using you for sex without to much commitments.. or is it all open relationships type of thing?
Promiscuous lifestyles create more bs than fun sex darling

It honestly sounds like you are far more invested in this than he is. I doubt you have been the only woman he has spoken with in the last 12 months and I would guess that this is a common thing for him to do. I think you are going to end up getting hurt here and its not going to go the way you imagine. There will be no happy ending and riding off into the sunset, you will just end up hurt and feeling used. Personally I would end it now before this sleep over and before you sleep with him. God knows how many sleepovers he has had over the years. I hope you can extract yourself from your unhappy marriage and go on to find someone who will treat you right

Look, OP, I can entirely imagine certain extenuating circumstances, but it seems pretty unlikely they’re similar for the two of you, and I think you’ve been naive to have an expectation of monogamous ‘fidelity’ from an affair partner you met on a hook-up site and have met in person once.

You say yourself it ‘wasn’t meant to be a love story’.

The reality here is, if you meant as much to him as he does to you you'd both have left your partners.

I'm sure you're aware both of your behaviours are abhorrent, so I won't comment on it...

You were new & exciting and a world away from his wife. You're not so new and exciting anymore so he's looking for something else new and exciting. If he has the capacity to cheat on his wife, why you'd expect any kind of fidelity/loyalty from his is just beyond me. If you genuinely believe you both "found" each other in a desperate time and you're star crossed lovers then you're honestly living on another planet.

You mean as much to this man as his sandwich at lunch. You're ace at the time but after eating the same sandwich for a year he's bored with it & needs a new sandwich.

I agree that you sound quite vulnerable, OP. Leaving aside the issue of cheating, online dating can lead to a false intimacy if you let the messaging go on too long without actually meeting (and meeting can of course be difficult due to the pandemic). You don’t really know someone until you’ve spent significant time with them, in person. But constant messaging will raise fantasies in your mind and has the potential to hurt you when the living breathing person isn’t what you imagined. That’s why the advice with online dating is to establish that you have a connection/something to talk about, then meet in person (safely, in a public place) early on.

It does sound like you’re suffering, and I’m sorry for that. From some hints in your posts I’m guessing your husband might be abusive. If so I’d urge you to look at ways of getting out of the marriage (contact Women’s Aid, talk to friends or relatives, ask for support on here) so that you can find the love relationship you desperately want. Even if I’m wrong and he isn’t abusive, the marriage clearly isn’t meeting your emotional needs. But neither will emotionally intense messaging with a stranger (which this person is, if you’ve only met him in person once) who might have heaven knows what motives. He’s not going to be able to rescue you or even give you the emotional support you clearly crave.

You can’t expect fidelity in your infidelity.

You know fidelity isn’t important to him OP. If it was, he wouldn’t be cheating on his wife. I know you say you’re cheating and expect fidelity, but that is going to make you a minority. Most people who cheat don’t have a ‘good reason’ - they just want the perks of marriage and the perks of extramarital sex.

I’m not judging your situation since I don’t know it, but I think you need to leave your relationship. You have no hope of meeting someone decent, faithful and respectful while you’re still married yourself. All you’ll ever find is the kind of people who think cheating is ok, and that other people’s feelings don’t matter much. Save yourself from that heartache by ending your marriage and looking for someone who really cares about you, not someone who only cares about extramarital shagging.

I think all has been said. Clearly you were unhappy in your marriage otherwise you wouldn't have gone on a dating app (and did you put up your photos? That's a risky strategy).
I met someone when I was still married (in person at a conference). I told him I wasn't happy in my marriage but I wouldn't cheat/talk to him until I had submitted the divorce paper. It took 6-7 months but he didn't "wait" for me. Absolutely no regret, such a good screening tool!
I would bin him and move on. If you want to cheat, find someone who really wants YOU and not just sex with any woman. How depressing and demeaning

You both used a dating site in order to have extra marital sex. It still hasn’t got beyond chatting. I really don’t think that you are the only potential OW in his life. He is playing you, and probably several other women as well.

Not judging op, but these situations can be so dangerous for your own mental health. Having an affair/ fantasy about a man is all consuming & your head is filled with the idea of escape & fantasy where nothing is real & everything is possible. Daydreaming, wanting them to text/phone, the secrecy of meet ups, the adrenaline, dreaming that somehow this excitement will take you away from every day life. Until it all comes crashing down & every one gets hurt, the fallout is dire! Work on your own self esteem & maybe your marriage as this type of situation never has a happy ending. Good luck. X

We're both in relationships, so was never meant to be a love story
You haven't had sex after a year, so it isn't a sex story either. If he doesn't get love or sex from this, what is there in it for him? You both needed someone, and the deal was that it would just be "one". One romantic partner; one sex partner? From an outsider's point of view, you are neither. He hasn't got the "one" he needed. No deal.

I have a major crush on him
I'm guessing this wasn't part of the deal, in which case, it's your issue alone and won't be affecting his choices.

You're unhappy or unsatisfied in your marriage and were hoping to cheer yourself up with some attention from outside. Now you're pissed off that it's not working. Very likely compounded by the fact that deep down you do actually feel a bit shit about the unattractive situation you have chosen for yourself. You've sought out a transactional, meaningless relationship and are sad that that's what you've got.

We're both in relationships, so was never meant to be a love story

Actually @ravenmum makes a good point. If it wasn't 'meant to be a love story' and you're both in relationships you can't or won't leave, but which aren't happy ones -- what was this relationship supposed to be? If it was for sex, presumably you wouldn't have chatted for a year before meeting and not having sex at the meeting, so what is it for?

I needed this shake up, thank you.

The reason we havent had sex is bloody covid! We would just use video chats etc.

From the outside I can see how utterly pathetic I have become over this man. Why oh why, I'll never understand, he looks like a headmaster and dresses like my dad used to.... nothing tangible to explain this fucking crush and its driving me insane. Truly insane. I want him gone and I wish to god I'd never met him.

I won't be meeting him, not a chance in hell. Hes messaged this morning all the usual and I've replied curtly. I'm gonna let him go, I see clearly who he is , I am just so disappointed in him.

Regarding my marriage. Couldn't leave DH hes not well and it would do him in
There is no chance of that
Never was
I was being greedy I guess. Missed the feeling/buzz. I've learnt theres no buzz out there. Just liars. And I need time to think about it all.

Thanks so much for taking the time out of your days to reply . I cant talk to a soul in RL, obviously. It really really helps. X

Well done OP - stay strong, you're doing the right thing. Don't allow yourself to be messed about this sad little man.

Regarding my marriage. Couldn't leave DH hes not well and it would do him in

Why not name change, leave it a few weeks and start a thread about that? Might get some useful answers. You never know.

The crush is your subconscious screaming for an escape from real life. It's displacement activity to distract from your life. Have you considered you may be depressed and this is a manifestation of your depression?

This man in himself wasn't special at all, it was the feeling he provided that became the drug. I would get a therapist and explore that further.

Well done for calling it off. Now you need to work on you so you can get to the bottom of what's really going on