Was I wrong to ask?

[Imjustsootired]

Such a dilemma tonight, so tired of feeling this way and would love some perspective

I've been chatting to a man for a year now. We're both in relationships, so was never meant to be a love story but I'm stuck between trying to be relaxed and not asking too much and being taken for an idiot.

I have a major crush on him so probably let him get away with more than he should but I feel a point has come and i need to tell him to fuxk off. His contact has been consistent but sometimes left me cold, taking days to reply, giving me the impression he wasn't too bothered, always busy with home life etc.. I understood, i was too. I was patient, i always replied when he messaged me. We met in December, had a drink and a kiss. Contact, messages, video calls, pics, continued. Then, by accident really, i saw he was still active on the site we met on. Active 24 hrs ago. It really stung and fed up with playing cool, I told him so. His reply "yeah I've popped on every now and then during moments of boredom in lockdown. Not meeting anyone else but you though". That was it for me... why go back on? Clearly I am not enough.

He says no, it was just boredom. But when I sometimes wait days for a reply because he is so "busy', this seems like bullshit.

Yes were both married and I understand you'll have a view on that but without knowing our circumstances I'd ask you not to judge. Rather, should I really believe what hes saying? Hes always stayed in touch with me. A year now. So it seems like he cares but this has left me reeling.

Any thoughts....x

@Imjustsootired Make sure you block him on everything, so you're less likely to get back in touch with him at a vulnerable moment.

@Imjustsootired I have name changed for this. I feel for you. My sister had an affair some years ago - her husband was diagnosed with a terminal illness when their three children were small, and she worked full time. She thought that she would be able to cope - she's always been very selfless, probably too much so.

I was living and working overseas and she managed to come and stay with me for a week, through a very complex set of caring arrangements that it had exhausted her to make. She basically slept for the week, told me about the affair (he was married), that she was on Prozac, that she was constantly exhausted and battling guilt and resentment and that she had just desperately wanted to carve out a tiny piece of her life that was her sanctuary, to escape every now and then. She had absolutely no intention of abandoning her responsibilities.

So it's not always so black and white. I hope that you are ok.

@EarringsandLipstick Thank you, it was quite traumatic and I spent several years feeling dead inside. Very slowly and thanks to this man, I started to feel alive again.

@FamilyAffair I can empathise with your sister, and agree these things are not always so black and white as is often expressed on MN.

@cheapleggings

Would it have bothered you if he had others too?

This is the thing. What you describe is what I wanted...all i got was a sharp slap in the face!!

Lesson learnt

@FamilyAffair

That made me cry. I needed to cry, but I've been numb and ive got people around me so have to keep it firmly inside. But that got me. Described so perfectly my situation. Thanks for helping the tears flow x

Going for a sob in the shower. Safest place! I feel so overwhelmed, what an idiot I am. He must think he is so clever.

@Imjustsootired I didn't mean to make you cry. I could sense echoes in your posts of my sister's desperation - this was some years ago; and I might add that she did "cope" for years - her children were teenagers when the affair began. She was known as a coper, someone who held the family together, who took on everything in a capable manner.

I remember when she came to stay and I realised the extent of it (not possible to convey over our phone calls prior to that), when I asked what would help, she said "the utter luxury of a complete breakdown".

A PP suggested that you name change and begin a new post about your situation and I second that. You obviously have a lot going on and being slated for an extramarital affair is unlikely to help.

@Imjustsootired

Have name changed back to reply - yes it would bother me greatly if he was seeing other people too. If I found out he was, then I'd stop seeing him.

I'm not sure I can fully articulate why, and I'm sure others will jump on me for saying this, but it would feel like a betrayal. I've felt guilty about what I'm doing despite the circumstances, so it had to be worth if that makes sense?

I'm sure you must have a lot of demands on you emotionally and time wise with a husband in ill health, so try and not waste any more over this guy who isn't worth it. X