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Original poster

Was I wrong to ask?

108 replies

Imjustsootired · 21/03/2021 20:12

Such a dilemma tonight, so tired of feeling this way and would love some perspective

I've been chatting to a man for a year now. We're both in relationships, so was never meant to be a love story but I'm stuck between trying to be relaxed and not asking too much and being taken for an idiot.

I have a major crush on him so probably let him get away with more than he should but I feel a point has come and i need to tell him to fuxk off. His contact has been consistent but sometimes left me cold, taking days to reply, giving me the impression he wasn't too bothered, always busy with home life etc.. I understood, i was too. I was patient, i always replied when he messaged me. We met in December, had a drink and a kiss. Contact, messages, video calls, pics, continued. Then, by accident really, i saw he was still active on the site we met on. Active 24 hrs ago. It really stung and fed up with playing cool, I told him so. His reply "yeah I've popped on every now and then during moments of boredom in lockdown. Not meeting anyone else but you though". That was it for me... why go back on? Clearly I am not enough.

He says no, it was just boredom. But when I sometimes wait days for a reply because he is so "busy', this seems like bullshit.

Yes were both married and I understand you'll have a view on that but without knowing our circumstances I'd ask you not to judge. Rather, should I really believe what hes saying? Hes always stayed in touch with me. A year now. So it seems like he cares but this has left me reeling.

Any thoughts....x

OP posts:
edwinbear · 21/03/2021 21:07

I think you both have different perceptions. To you, this is a secondary relationship. Which does carry the responsibility to behave in a certain manner. Whereas to him, it’s a bit of extra curricular activity he can pick up and drop as and when he feels like it, with zero obligation. I understand it’s upsetting, especially if your marriage isn’t happy, as it was giving you some excitement and feeling desired that you may not otherwise have. But honestly, does the anxiety about when he’s going to message, how does he envisage things playing out, when/will you see him again, really make up for a bit of occasional validation? I’m really not judging at all, but perhaps weigh up if the handful of ‘highs’ outweigh the anxiety.

category12 · 21/03/2021 21:07

Well, given that he's not meeting your expectations and you feel insecure and let down, I would cancel the meet up and look for someone else to have an affair with, if that's what you want.

Presumably this extra-curricular relationship is supposed to make you feel good, if it doesn't, it's truly a waste of energy and time.

Itstimetoquit · 21/03/2021 21:09

Tell us more, more background,why don't you want to be with your husband x

BrilliantBetty · 21/03/2021 21:13

What was the site?
I was recently told over on the relationships board that it's perfectly fine for a dating couple to be able to still chat to others on dating apps (think it was Bumble we were discussing at the time). It's just lighthearted entertainment apparently and fine as long as no meet up.

I disagree and don't think you should be talking to anyone you've met in a dating capacity, if you're already dating someone & said not seeing anyone else.

Original poster
Imjustsootired · 21/03/2021 21:27

Thank you...I kind of knew this but have a tendency to doubt myself and try and be too 'cool' and relaxed about , after all, I'm not his wife , but deep down this hurts and I know it'll mess with my head more than my husband does! Just dont get it. You can be everything someone claims to want and still, not enough! I was worried I'd been harsh and messed this up and that other women would have just let it slide.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imjustsootired · 21/03/2021 21:29

If we hadn't physically met, I'd not be so bothered. Its that we have met and kissed and arranged a night away, soon. I just hoped he would be so excited about that he wouldn't keep looking.....

Wrong. This sucks and I know I need to fuck him off. So hard. When it's good, which it is a lot of the time, he absolutely lights me up. Such a shame

OP posts:
edwinbear · 21/03/2021 21:37

He may actually be getting cold feet about the night away. Not you personally, but the logistics, lying to his wife, the fall out if he’s caught. The cold hearted reality of what he was planning, rather than the fantasy in his head. Possibly all a bit over whelming for him which is why he’s backed off a bit. His safe place is online messaging, which he sees as relatively risk free but still gives him that ego boost he craves.

Original poster
Imjustsootired · 21/03/2021 21:45

Don't think so. It's all his planning. Hes just messaged me, saying sorry for making me feel like shit and general chit chat. After I'd ignored him all day. So the effort is there... maybe i just need to accept it is what it is and take him as I find him or not at all. Dont have the strength to let him go just yet in guess I'll be a dick and wait until he literally gives me no choice

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 21/03/2021 21:52

Forgive me, but you are both cheating on your partners for whatever reason, so to expect honesty in such circumstances seems a little optimistic. I suggest you cut your losses and perhaps focus on whatever the issues are in your own relationship, and try and find a more sensible, sustainable solution.

category12 · 21/03/2021 21:56

@Imjustsootired

Don't think so. It's all his planning. Hes just messaged me, saying sorry for making me feel like shit and general chit chat. After I'd ignored him all day. So the effort is there... maybe i just need to accept it is what it is and take him as I find him or not at all. Dont have the strength to let him go just yet in guess I'll be a dick and wait until he literally gives me no choice
This is going to send your self-esteem through the floor.

What are you looking for from this? Are you punishing yourself for something? Stop being so limp.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/03/2021 22:04

To all those saying I'm a fool expecting fidelity from a cheat. Well, I'm a cheat. I'm cheating on my husband but I chose this man to do it with. Thats enough for me. No need for more and more and more. One person.

Well, actually two people. Your H and this guy.

Is there a reason you can't just leave?

Bluntness100 · 21/03/2021 22:21

I’m totally confused. Have you never actually slept with him? You’ve only met in real life once and only kissed then?

CharlotteRose90 · 21/03/2021 22:25

To be totally honest if you haven’t slept with him that’s the reason he’s keeping you there . He’s the type of guy that goes on these website for easy sex behind his wife or girlfriends back. You aren’t the only one sadly and he can never give you what you want.

Bluntness100 · 21/03/2021 22:27

To be totally honest if you haven’t slept with him that’s the reason he’s keeping you there

If this is just some random you met on line, you’ve only met once and never slept with, it seems more of a fantasy to me? I’m not sure you can say you’re having an affair. So is the op correct then, it’s just some random you’ve been talking to for a year?

If this is the case of course he’s still looking to meet others.

Janaih · 21/03/2021 22:32

(Some) Men will say anything to get sex.
A high percentage of men on dating sites are cheaters. Or at the very least, like to keep their options open.

BrilliantBetty · 21/03/2021 22:45

Talking for a year with nothing physical but a kiss is quite strange in itself.

SandyY2K · 21/03/2021 22:50

You need a more loyal affair partner.

SteelMack · 21/03/2021 22:54

OP quite a few posters have asked for your back story as to why you're cheating and what those mitigating circumstances are.
It seems you're literally skipping over those questions and not even acknowledging them, never mind answering.

You're asking for advice but not even being honest with the people who are taking time to respond to you.

Ihadthelastlaugh · 21/03/2021 22:56

Whatever the circumstances, I'm sorry you're feeling low and let down. There's no reason to be loyal to this man. I hope you can move on and be happy.

alittlebitofgin · 21/03/2021 23:01

Please do not feel obligated to provide more details if you are not comfortable doing so.

ScabbyHorse · 21/03/2021 23:08

Don't think you were wrong to ask. You should have drawn boundaries a while ago to avoid getting hurt I guess.

Osirus · 21/03/2021 23:56

I know quite a few men who cheat, and it’s always more than one woman. One of them is a charmer, and will make any woman feel like she’s the only one in the world. Then he’s off with someone else a few days later. I also know a woman like this too. She was cheating on her boyfriend with another man, and an ex at the same time!

I don’t think you can believe anything a cheater tells you.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/03/2021 00:03

Husband's and wives aside, you don't trust him and he isn't making you happy, he isn't treating you how you want to be treated. That's your answer

RootyT00t · 22/03/2021 00:06

[quote Imjustsootired]@justawoman

Because we both needed someone and it was made clear it was just the one person. This was the deal. I'm just confused and hurt.[/quote]
🤣🤣

MN, I'm cheating on my husband and him on his wife but I'm fuming because he has seen someone else when he promised it was only me he was cheating with.AIBU

Dery · 22/03/2021 00:10

“Forgive me, but you are both cheating on your partners for whatever reason, so to expect honesty in such circumstances seems a little optimistic.”

This is it really, OP. Whatever your reasons for deciding it’s okay to have an affair, it seems naive in the extreme to think you can trust a man who you know to be cheating and by the same token I doubt he trusts you. Neither of you are trustworthy. And yes, if you’ve been talking for a year, it is likely that he has been with other women in the meantime. Men who cheat will generally say whatever they think needs to be said in order to get laid.