So I’m 2 weeks postnatal and he’s just had a go at me that we’ve not done anything sexual..

[Coveredindaisies]

I’m gobsmacked. Apparently I make him feel invisible. I’m breastfeeding round the clock. I’m knackered. I lost my mum 2 months ago and feel down and full of grief. I thought I was doing ok: I cuddle him when I’ve finally got the baby down to sleep. I feel overwhelmed having a new baby but I’m just about keeping on top of everything. He said he runs around all day and I should want to do something for him. Sat in tears wondering whether I should be considering breaking my family up before my son even turns one month old because it turns out my husband is an arse. What would you do in my situation? All I could do when he said this to me was burst out in tears and tell him it was massively unfair. But in actual fact I genuinely feel like this is LTB stuff. Sorry for the rant. I’d just like some perspective on whether it’ll right and it is indeed outrageous.

You have experienced the two top causes of stress (bereavement and new parenthood) in two months. The fact that he can't see that and is prioritising himself, beggars belief, frankly.

He said he runs around all day and I should want to do something for him.

Sex isn't something women do for men. He's treating you as someone who exists to service him, not as a person.

Fuck that. OP this is one of the worst things I've read on this board, it's that bad.

He said he runs around all day and I should want to do something for him.

This alone is enough to LTB.
Honestly OP - how did you end up with a selfish jerk like this? why did you have a baby with him? He's disgusting.
I hate to jump to LTB - but really, what he's said, and doubling-down on it, is truly horrific, and this shows that he has a truly dark soul. Unless you become some sort of sexual doormat (and probably a doormat in every other way), I don't see how you can stay in this relationship and retain any self-respect. Resentment will build. Sorry this is happening to you OP. You and your little one deserve SOOOO much better. Good luck OP.

OP i had a traumatic c-section delivery with my first baby and didn’t have sex for six months. It wasn’t just that I was healing, it was also that it took me a while for breastfeeding not to be utter agony, I was exhausted, anxious and when my baby was asleep I just wanted quiet time or to have a bath etc.
My DH did not ever hassle me, make me feel that his needs came first, or make me feel guilty. Your Dh needs to put you and his child first for once, and if he can’t do that then I think it is reasonable to not want to stay with him.
Harassing you for sex with a tiny newborn baby ! Horrible !

PS I meant to say - I'm so sorry about your mum
And congratualations on your baby

I should want to do something for him

I'm so fucking angry at this phrase.

You owe him nothing. You shouldn't want to do anything for him - fucking why should you?!

He's jealous of the baby, ffs. Ridiculous.

I am so sorry that you lost your mum. That is such a blow at this time .

Congratulations on your lovely new baby. He is, and should be, number one in your life and sadly it seems his father doesn't feel the same as you.

I would 100% pack up baby and his basket and go to your mum's flat. While I suspect your partner would use the time to have takeaways, piss ups and you know what time it is far more important that you get space from him.

Holy good god . 2 weeks postpartum? Wtf is he thinking? I think DS1 was 4 months old when I finally dtd again.

I don't think I would be able to look at him after such shit behaviour. It's your house? I think you'll feel a lot better without him in it!

How close is he to his Mum? Flip it back to him. How would he feel two months after losing his Mum, or a close relative and then throw a new baby into it and a sex pest partner. He seems to think if he does something you owe him and he not that he is being a partner or a parent and that he needs payback. Is it so he can say, oh but I helped but she turned me away? You birthed his child, he 'OWES' you big time and to not be expecting a hand job would be a great start. I also think he is jealous of the baby

And I'm so very sorry about your mum .

What an absolute bastard.

I'd tell him he's an absolute prick and that you're now rethinking the whole relationship and you need space.

I wouldn't entertain any discussion about it that involves him justifying it, explaining his 'needs or wants' or anything at all that wasn't a full and complete apology and acknowledge of what an utter bastard he is.

He won't give you that, but don't waste any time and energy explaining why you don't want to have sex yet because it would be crystal clear to any decent normal human being!

Does he have any clue how even going for a poo is a traumatic process, never mind anything else. I know a man can never really understand what it feels like to give birth, but this is just beyond thick! I've already commented earlier, but had to come back cos I'm still furious for you OP! And it reminds me of my dh suggestion that we should plan to have our wedding 2 weeks after our first baby was due. I nearly called the whole thing off because of that brain wave. It's just over 10 years since our youngest was conceived and we have never dtd since. But that's another story!
Do you have family support OP? Also, as someone further up suggested, talk to your midwife. She's there to support you in all sorts of ways, so don't be frightened to talk to her about this. Sometimes you get bogged down with yourself and think everything is your fault or that you're being unreasonable. You are absolutely not. Please talk to her and she will help x

The baby is irrelevant to this imo

sorry you don't "owe" him sex

I am sorry to hear. The newborn phase will get better. My first and a long time ex husband wanted intimacy 3 days after full term stillbirth (first baby) and I was horrified but also was told later it was smth to do with the way he processed grief (which I still don't buy). I think some people recover quicker than others depending on genetics/how the birth went/ how long you bleed etc. I have always been lucky and with my current husband we were able to resume a week after I gave birth for the 6th time last summer. But I was physically completely back to normal on day 3 and no tears with any of them etc.
As a first time mum things can be more overwhelming and he may just feel lonely and maybe for him sex is the way to show love. I would maybe talk to him and explain your perception of the whole thing or give him something to read.
Apologies for a scrambled up post I am autistic and find it difficult to put my thoughts across sometimes.

I think I'd be going to my mum's flat and staying there to be honest.

This is not going to improve.
He is not a nice man.
He is a selfish, inconsiderate arsehole.

Please don't waste your life with him.

*He said he runs around all day and I should want to do something for him.

Sex isn't something women do for men. He's treating you as someone who exists to service him, not as a person.
*

I agree- it is beyond hideous.

Take birth out - that doesn’t matter. You, the person he should live more than any other, doesn’t want sex. That is enough just there. Add in grief and birth and his horrid expectations become monstrous displays of self and a huge inability to see you as a person. I hope you put yourself first. Sorry you have lost your mum. Hard to do your mothering having so recently list yours

I'd pack his bags,then you've done something for him.

His behaviour towards you is awful! Especially you're saying it's not even the first time he's asked since you gave birth, and you should want to 'do something for him' that's not sex with someone you love and care about it's not a view of sex that belongs in a mutually respectful relationship. So sorry you're having to deal with this, it does so like being on your own would be easier. You said it's a pattern you now recognise, which dosen't leave much room for this being unlike him or a weird moment of madness due to sleep deprivation. 2 weeks come on!

I don't understand the suggestions for the OP to leave the house she pays for and where she has everything she needs, tell him to get the fuck out. What a twat he is

Sounds like you know what you need to do, OP, despite everything you're going through.

I'm sorry about your mum, and congrats on your baby

Are you married?

It takes a very selfish, insensitive man to say what he has. Ex H was self centred but even he knew his sexual needs had to take a back seat after the birth.

2 weeks??
Jeez I couldn't face sex for a year.

It should never be a pay-off system as he sees it. However much running around he has to do is a piss in the ocean compared to breastfeeding round the clock.

Tell him you are busy and throw him a dirty sock so he can sort himself out.
He deserves no better.

2 weeks??
Jeez I couldn't face sex for a year.

Not the point though.

Every women has a different perspective which deserves respect.