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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I’m 2 weeks postnatal and he’s just had a go at me that we’ve not done anything sexual..

428 replies

Coveredindaisies · 19/03/2021 15:28

I’m gobsmacked. Apparently I make him feel invisible. I’m breastfeeding round the clock. I’m knackered. I lost my mum 2 months ago and feel down and full of grief. I thought I was doing ok: I cuddle him when I’ve finally got the baby down to sleep. I feel overwhelmed having a new baby but I’m just about keeping on top of everything. He said he runs around all day and I should want to do something for him. Sat in tears wondering whether I should be considering breaking my family up before my son even turns one month old because it turns out my husband is an arse. What would you do in my situation? All I could do when he said this to me was burst out in tears and tell him it was massively unfair. But in actual fact I genuinely feel like this is LTB stuff. Sorry for the rant. I’d just like some perspective on whether it’ll right and it is indeed outrageous.

OP posts:
Getbusylivingorgetbusydying · 19/03/2021 16:58

Both times after giving birth, I think we waited at least 3 months, could be more.

Not only was I exhausted, but DP was too, cause he'd been being a decent dad and partner, doing nappy changes after night feeds, supporting me, and doing more than his share of housework.

His only priority should be yours and your newborns wellbeing.

LTB

Smiling89 · 19/03/2021 16:59

3 months post partum (c section) and not done anything sexual.... partner has not even mentioned it. He's an arse and think I'd feel the same way as you do.

PomegranateQueen · 19/03/2021 17:00

Definately take your baby to your mums if it will help you feel closer to her. I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this prick's behaviour on top of your recent loss, what a twat Flowers

YukoandHiro · 19/03/2021 17:01

What a fucking arsehole. You know you will never forgive this. You may move on, but you'll never forget it.

Tell him you can do anything til the 8 week check anyway and suggest he thinks about someone other than himself.

BobGalaxy · 19/03/2021 17:02

OP I have been you, with an awful, selfish "partner" who whined about the lack of sex in the weeks following the birth of my DS, huffing about how it was "all about when YOU want to do it" - well yes it was actually, since the baby came out of my vagina. He would slap my bum whenever I bent over to do anything and tried to push my head down to give him a blowjob. I LTB by the time my DS was 6 months old. That behaviour, amongst a whole load more, proved to me that he was an abusive, selfish, controlling twat and there was no going back from that.

SPLUGSYMALONE · 19/03/2021 17:02

You need to send him a strong message that this is in no way acceptable behaviour.

Tell him to leave and have a think about your options.

Sounds like the house is yours and you still have your mum's estate to deal with. You may well find that you life is easier without him in it.

Give your body time to heal from growing a baby and your heart time to heal from losing your mum without his ridiculous demands.

YukoandHiro · 19/03/2021 17:02

By the way I'm 5m PP and we haven't done the deed yet. It was 7m after our first and it still hurt a lot.

notalwaysalondoner · 19/03/2021 17:04

I'd say most likely this isn't really about the sex, unless he's always had a crazy high sex drive compared to you, which doesn't sound like the case as you sound surprised and shocked. It's probably about him trying to reassert his role as a priority in your life compared to the baby. Unfortunately many men struggle with being a second priority in their partner's life after a baby arrives, I imagine this is his crappy way of trying to assert some importance and make you prioritise him. I'm sorry, it doesn't really help solve anything, but at least it can help you think about it more broadly than just he wants sex and you don't.

Unfortunately it's still his problem, not yours to fix, but you can at least give him some home truths broader than just arguing about sex, about how his needs are not the priority any more, he knew that when you got pregnant, that's part and parcel of having a baby, plus your needs are just as important which right now is recovery from birth.

Babyboomtastic · 19/03/2021 17:05

He's definitely getting unreasonable, no question about it. How I'd recommend acting really would depend on how out of character this is.

Some women do feel ready sooner (I was in the less than 2 week bracket myself, but I had sections, so no sore bits) but most don't until longer than 6w. And it needs to be when you are ready, and not before. He shouldn't be pressuring you, and your area clearly not ready, and that's ok. That's normal.

Being a parent (and therefore coming further down in the pecking order) can be a bit of a shock to the system, and there first few months can be an adjustment for both of you, so I'd this is out of character I wouldn't leave him over this.

I read somewhere that you should try not to make decisions like leave your relationship within the first year after a baby (except for abuse or adultery) because it's such an adjustment, and a lot of couples do struggle in that first year, but after that stay together happily. But only you know if this is an out of the blue custody outburst, or the symptom of a long-standing problem.

YoniAndGuy · 19/03/2021 17:06

Your instincts are spot on. And it's clear from your posts that this isn't a one-off.

But don't leave your home. Tell him to go - pack a bag and get out. He can go to your mum's flat if it comes to that.

You poor thing - but, it will get easier. As you say, you're doing it alone anyway.

Nothing lonelier than being with someone who doesn't give a shit about you.

How disgusting. So when you've finished breastfeeding you're to suck him off? Lovely.

raincamepouringdown · 19/03/2021 17:06

It's your house? I'd tell him to get to fuck. He's shown you who he is. I'd be done.

Why should you have to be the one to leave , even in the short term.

beachysandy81 · 19/03/2021 17:08

Wow, that is terrible. I am so sorry for your loss. Having a new baby is hard at the best of times, but when you are grieving it must be so difficult particularly when you can't see friends etc. I remember breast feeding and just not wanting to be touched by anyone as it was so overwhelming having a baby clamped to me for most of the day.

Please look after yourself. I really feel for you. Honestly, if he doesn't support you now of all times he will never be good enough.

user1471538283 · 19/03/2021 17:08

I had this. The expectation that sex was back on. Nah. We also split up when DS was 6 months old.

ShellieEllie · 19/03/2021 17:08

How incredibly selfish of him, I hope you're okay. I assume he's got a hand, tell him to go and use it!

mogloveseggs · 19/03/2021 17:10

God that's vile. Tell him to go. I'm so sorry about your dm Flowers

willibald · 19/03/2021 17:16

Of course it's not a one off. Sorry but I'd tell him to leave or go myself. This won't get better. It will get worse if you stick around and have another child with him. He's no. 1 and that's how he'll always see himself.

Inastatus · 19/03/2021 17:17

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Your DP is a selfish dick.

MixedUpFiles · 19/03/2021 17:19

You’ve just given birth to his child and are giving every ounce of energy you have for caring for that child. His entire focus is supposed to be on taking care of you and the baby. What he gets in return for that is the satisfaction of being a decent father.

I’m generally of the opinion that absence abuse, you shouldn’t make any big life changes in the first year after the baby is born. It’s just such a heightened time and sometimes sleep deprivation or hormones can add to the stress. Sometimes people also come to their senses and grow up a bit.

He would probably benefit from a good dad role model or parenting guide. I wish I had one to recommend for fathers . Something that talks about the utter exhaustion of the early weeks for mothers and the touched-out feeling that is going to come in the months ahead. It’s all standard life stuff and almost every couple ends up dealing with it.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 19/03/2021 17:19

I would struggle to stay married to such a selfish prick.

Sorry about your Mum.

He should be on your side, supporting you and making you feel loved. He isn't doing that.

He has let you down and worse, tried to make you feel like you need to service him as well. Can you forgive him?

minniemoocher · 19/03/2021 17:20

Tell him that it's advised to wait until after your 6 weeks postnatal check up! (This was the case when I had mine). Completely unreasonable on his part.

Notonthestairs · 19/03/2021 17:21

I agree he's recognised he's been pushed down the pecking order and is trying to assert himself. Not the sign of an emotionally mature man. But I don't think it's your job to help him adjust to being a parent - and definitely not your job when you are emotionally and physically vulnerable.

I hate the idea that he saw you upset and did nothing to remedy it.

Who can you ring to support you, not just regarding this but generally? I think you need someone to give you a bit of kindness and gentleness right now. Do you have any other family or friends that can pop round?

Jesus Christ if he were my son I'd be so ashamed of him right now.

RedToothBrush · 19/03/2021 17:21

@Coveredindaisies

Thank you all. You know thinking about this this isn’t a one off. It’s a pattern of behaviour about him and his needs. He’s been monumentally selfish. I do have friends around to support me yes but obvs with Covid not seeing much of them. I might actually take myself off to my mums flat wit the baby and Moses basket this weekend. It’s sitting empty after her death waiting for me to clear it and sell it. Have not felt up to going there but I’m sure some space would help right now. Thanks for all your supplies. When you are tired it’s hard to know if you are really being selfish or if it’s not you.
This isn't going to change.

Deep down I think you know this.

He is going to continue to emotionally blackmail you (you are vulnerable - just given birth and lost your mum) to try and coercise you into having sex.

You acknowledge this is a pattern not a one off.

Kick him out. Do NOT go to your Mum's. This is YOUR home.

I'll put money on things getting worse if you don't.

MrMucker · 19/03/2021 17:23

Looks like you got yourself two babies then.

Chimeraforce · 19/03/2021 17:23

😢That's horrid.
I bled for 3 months
We didn't dtd for 4 years

EvilPea · 19/03/2021 17:24

I’m so sorry about your mum Flowers your grief will feel incredibly raw still, plus the baby will concentrate that more.
I’m so sorry Flowers

As for him. He’s a cunt. Nothing is a bigger turn off than being pestered and pressured. That’s before you take into exhaustion, and the physical side of birth. You must feel so stretched and empty like everyone wants something from you constantly.
Try and take some time for yourself when you can Flowers and Cake. Deal with him when you have some strength