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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I’m 2 weeks postnatal and he’s just had a go at me that we’ve not done anything sexual..

428 replies

Coveredindaisies · 19/03/2021 15:28

I’m gobsmacked. Apparently I make him feel invisible. I’m breastfeeding round the clock. I’m knackered. I lost my mum 2 months ago and feel down and full of grief. I thought I was doing ok: I cuddle him when I’ve finally got the baby down to sleep. I feel overwhelmed having a new baby but I’m just about keeping on top of everything. He said he runs around all day and I should want to do something for him. Sat in tears wondering whether I should be considering breaking my family up before my son even turns one month old because it turns out my husband is an arse. What would you do in my situation? All I could do when he said this to me was burst out in tears and tell him it was massively unfair. But in actual fact I genuinely feel like this is LTB stuff. Sorry for the rant. I’d just like some perspective on whether it’ll right and it is indeed outrageous.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 19/03/2021 19:23

I wouldn't leave your own house with him in it.

He will get the impression when you return to it that you have come crawling back.

Pack his bags, throw him out. It's your house.

Cadent · 19/03/2021 19:23

Post above to TomHardy

SoulofanAggron · 19/03/2021 19:24

He's not a keeper. He has a sense of entitlement to sexual services. Envy Sad Angry

DoverSoul · 19/03/2021 19:25

@mathanxiety

I wouldn't leave your own house with him in it.

He will get the impression when you return to it that you have come crawling back.

Pack his bags, throw him out. It's your house.

I agree with this.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Coveredindaisies Flowers

AgathaAllAlong · 19/03/2021 19:27

Absolutely disgusting.m behaviour on his part. Not least the you should want to do something for him because he's running around - does he see sex as you "doing something for him"? That's not at all good in itself.

You just gave birth to his baby and are feeding and caring for the baby. He should be worshipping the ground you walk on and asking you what he can do for you. you're the one who needs support. I would despite all this wait to LTB though sleep deprivation does Awful things to men too. Your idea to get some space this weekend sounds good, if he still doesn't see what he's done wrong then escalate.

I'm so sorry about your mum, I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. Flowers

mrsbitaly · 19/03/2021 19:27

Oh my gosh I want to cry for you reading that post. No-one should ever be made to feel like that no long after having a baby. I didn't feel like it for months after, felt like it was a train wreck down there lol. I'm sure you have been given lots of advice here I'm just here to give you a virtual hug. Tell him to piss off too you haven't recovered he'll have to wait until your ready. Congratulations on your little one x

crosspelican · 19/03/2021 19:29

Are you married? I'd send him home to his own Mum, get someone in to clear your Mum's flat/help you clear it and get a tenant in there asap so that your maternity pay is supplemented. Did you inherit her flat solely or along with a sibling?

Then forget to ask him to move back in.

Don't leave your house.

mathanxiety · 19/03/2021 19:29

@Coveredindaisies are you married or is he your partner?

You need to get legal advice about your right to your property and your inheritance ( your mum's flat).

crosspelican · 19/03/2021 19:30

Also, sorry - his behaviour is OUTRAGEOUS. To harrass you for sex after two weeks??? That's so depressing that a person who is supposed to love you could be so oblivious to human decency.

huge hugs

Iwant2move · 19/03/2021 19:32

I had my children in the USA and was told to abstain until after my six weeks check up (full gynaecological examination) because the risk of infection was too high. He needs to get a grip.

crosspelican · 19/03/2021 19:34

Don't leave him on his own in the house and don't send him to your Mum's flat, by the way. If his is about to be recategorised as "ex", it could be VERY difficult to shift him, and you're going to need rental income right away, not be faced with a year long battle to get him out.

MondayYogurt · 19/03/2021 19:34

He said he runs around all day and I should want to do something for him.

This is the key line for me.
He doesn't actually see you as a human being, with your own pains, frustrations, consciousness, and limitations. He sees you as a commodity, specifically a sexual one (although I don't doubt also a food providing and house cleaning one too). So in his mind it makes perfect sense to feel aggrieved he has lost out on access to a resource without recompense. Because you are a commodity, not a human being.
I don't know if people with that viewpoint change. But I do not people like that cannot understand another person's grief.

Ellie56 · 19/03/2021 19:36

When you are tired it’s hard to know if you are really being selfish or if it’s not you.

It's definitely not you. He is just a complete bell end. How dare he treat you like this? Angry

You deserve better. Flowers

Saltyslug · 19/03/2021 19:37

What a nob!

Beautiful3 · 19/03/2021 19:38

What?! He thinks because hes been busy, you owe him sex/a handjob? Is he for real?! You're exhausted and working around the clock feeding your baby, last thing you need is a moody sex pest. He should be treating you with care and respect. Have had 2 children, both times I didnt feel like sex for 3 months after birth. My husband never pressured me, not once, and he never moaned about running around for his child. Your partner is behaving like an arsehole, you're better off alone than with him. Congratulations on your beautiful baby, I wish you all the best.

PlasticDinosaur · 19/03/2021 19:39

I’m sorry you’re being put under pressure. That’s not okay and I’m so sorry for your loss, that’s so much to process when you’re dealing with a newborn.

Slightly against the grain here - my husband is a very strange creature when I have a newborn. I’ve put it down to hormones or weird human base behaviour. I genuinely don’t think he knows he’s doing it.

He becomes much more protective, jealous, sexual and totally different to his usual self. He has never pressured me for sex and would always let me lead the way when I’m ready but urgh he gets very touchy feely right when I am completely touched out. He’s like a stranger but it only lasts three months then he starts going back to normal.

Maybe have a chat before you go full blown ltb? Sleep deprivation makes tempers flare both sides. I’ve certainly thrown out things I didn’t mean when dealing with the joys of a young baby.

Congratulations on little one!

TomHardyAndMe · 19/03/2021 19:41

@Cadent

Post above to TomHardy
There are other posters who have suggested the OP stay with her mother.
MonsterKidz · 19/03/2021 19:42

I’m so sorry you’re not getting the support you need from your partner. He is not showing you any respect or compassion or even love to be honest. I am so sad that this is what your relationship is in the weeks after your DC is born - so guess only you can answer honestly for yourself if this is what you want on your life and how you want your child to be raised with.

Cadent · 19/03/2021 19:42

Most are saying stay at your mum’s flat.

CovidCorvid · 19/03/2021 19:44

I think this is seriously LTB territory.

Can I also say if there’s any chance of inheritance from your mum you may want to start separating ASAP to give him as little chance of possible of claiming 50%. Sorry to be insensitive. Talk to a solicitor.

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 19/03/2021 19:45

So in his mind it makes perfect sense to feel aggrieved he has lost out on access to a resource without recompense. Because you are a commodity, not a human being.
I don't know if people with that viewpoint change

No, they don't. I divorced XH for precisely this reason many ago. His subsequent DW divorced him around 5yrs ago and I've been informed in subsequent chats with her DSis that his behaviour was her reason for leaving too.

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 19/03/2021 19:46

Oops-bold fail

RandomMess · 19/03/2021 19:48

What has he actually done anything for you??? Do you feel invisible to him?

Honestly ShockShockShockAngryAngryAngryAngry

I say this as someone that did have sex again soon after each birth but bloody hell DH was so hands on and helped so much and we BOTH wanted it!

Send him to your Mums flat or better still send him back to his family?

Happygogoat · 19/03/2021 19:52

Oh god OP. This sadly seems an example of "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".

Was he at the birth?! My husband was for both ours and bless him he looked (I. Didn't want him to!) but needless to say he understood in graphic detail what we had been through and did not put any pressure on me for anything sexual whatsoever!!

Do you even trust him to be gentle as and when you may wish to )(if you do live past this...). It's quite sore even 8 weeks pp I found.

fallfallfall · 19/03/2021 19:53

decades ago, they spouted the 6 week rule of thumb to sex. it was explained to men and they were told in pre natal class it was a no go till after the dr.'s check up. some of those antique ideas weren't all that bad.
over touched with bf, struggling with the newness of parenthood and the extra work, recent loss :(.
don't give in if you don't want to 100%