Over the years I have been coming to the realisation that my husbands mental health means we won’t ever be a normal family and at the moment I’m struggling with what to do with that info.
Essentially everything relies on me. I cook, clean and work full time and look after the kids. I’m mentally exhausted and poor so I have purposefully ended my social life by letting friends drift away. Occasionally my husband gets a job, but it never lasts as his depressions sets in, and he ends up being fired for being late or not turning up (he forgets to go in).
Obviously as we have been together 13 years and have three kids (well I’m still pregnant with the third) together we have had good times and he still is often a wonderful person. However his depression is like a horrible disease which has taken over him and I’m just so damn tired of being a single parent with no one realising how much I have to do alone. I don’t want other peoples sympathy, I just feel so frustrated. It’s just me, and I’m working or looking after the kids, or cleaning ALL the damn time plus trying to be a therapist for my husband who seems to be on the edge of ending it all most times I talk to him about it. I just kind of silently enable him by not talking about it (at his request). In the past I confronted him and tried to force therapy etc and he reacted badly, having breakdowns and going through worse patches.
I’ve tried convincing him and even threatening him with splitting up if he won’t see someone about his problems but he insists he is on the edge of sorting himself out...he pretty much resists the idea of therapy and the last time I just said ‘well I can’t take this anymore we might as well split up’ he actually left. He turned around later and came back and said he would have killed himself. I know he really wanted to leave though. I also know he would have killed him self within 24 hours, he didn’t need to tell me that.
This isn’t bravado, or selfishness, he is just mentally sick. He said it matter of factly and I thank god he turned round because I know he wouldn’t have done it.
On good days he is wonderful with the kids, on bad days he is absent. He just leaves and walks until he is alone and just sits out in a field, a park, anywhere. Other times he goes to spend time with his friends and stays so late he falls asleep at their house and often doesn’t crawl home till 1-2am or later. He refuses to get an early night and falls asleep alone on the sofa with the dog.
If he’s feeling argumentative he will say the lack of kisses and cuddles and sex from me is one of the main reasons behind his depression and essentially tries to get me to provide all this (and I do try but I just don’t feel it, it feels fake) but after years of him being like this I just can’t seem to make myself show physical affection. I feel like he’s more like an extra child who I keep around to lift heavy things for me or do DIY work.
What I’m trying to say is he is only capable of drifting through life. He can’t take challenges or pressure. If I wasn’t providing a home base for his existence he would have killed him self long before.
What do I do? I know I could cope without him, probably would thrive as I wouldn’t constantly be hoping for help and support I don’t get, but I love him and want to help him. At the very least I can’t kick him out as he has nowhere to go. I would have to set him up with a flat and an income (benefits I guess) in secret (because if he knew about it he would just leave right away to save me the hassle and again after sleeping rough a few nights at most, he would end it.
I just don’t know what to do.