If I kick him out he will kill himself

[BillywigStings]

Over the years I have been coming to the realisation that my husbands mental health means we won’t ever be a normal family and at the moment I’m struggling with what to do with that info.

Essentially everything relies on me. I cook, clean and work full time and look after the kids. I’m mentally exhausted and poor so I have purposefully ended my social life by letting friends drift away. Occasionally my husband gets a job, but it never lasts as his depressions sets in, and he ends up being fired for being late or not turning up (he forgets to go in).

Obviously as we have been together 13 years and have three kids (well I’m still pregnant with the third) together we have had good times and he still is often a wonderful person. However his depression is like a horrible disease which has taken over him and I’m just so damn tired of being a single parent with no one realising how much I have to do alone. I don’t want other peoples sympathy, I just feel so frustrated. It’s just me, and I’m working or looking after the kids, or cleaning ALL the damn time plus trying to be a therapist for my husband who seems to be on the edge of ending it all most times I talk to him about it. I just kind of silently enable him by not talking about it (at his request). In the past I confronted him and tried to force therapy etc and he reacted badly, having breakdowns and going through worse patches.

I’ve tried convincing him and even threatening him with splitting up if he won’t see someone about his problems but he insists he is on the edge of sorting himself out...he pretty much resists the idea of therapy and the last time I just said ‘well I can’t take this anymore we might as well split up’ he actually left. He turned around later and came back and said he would have killed himself. I know he really wanted to leave though. I also know he would have killed him self within 24 hours, he didn’t need to tell me that.

This isn’t bravado, or selfishness, he is just mentally sick. He said it matter of factly and I thank god he turned round because I know he wouldn’t have done it.

On good days he is wonderful with the kids, on bad days he is absent. He just leaves and walks until he is alone and just sits out in a field, a park, anywhere. Other times he goes to spend time with his friends and stays so late he falls asleep at their house and often doesn’t crawl home till 1-2am or later. He refuses to get an early night and falls asleep alone on the sofa with the dog.

If he’s feeling argumentative he will say the lack of kisses and cuddles and sex from me is one of the main reasons behind his depression and essentially tries to get me to provide all this (and I do try but I just don’t feel it, it feels fake) but after years of him being like this I just can’t seem to make myself show physical affection. I feel like he’s more like an extra child who I keep around to lift heavy things for me or do DIY work.

What I’m trying to say is he is only capable of drifting through life. He can’t take challenges or pressure. If I wasn’t providing a home base for his existence he would have killed him self long before.

What do I do? I know I could cope without him, probably would thrive as I wouldn’t constantly be hoping for help and support I don’t get, but I love him and want to help him. At the very least I can’t kick him out as he has nowhere to go. I would have to set him up with a flat and an income (benefits I guess) in secret (because if he knew about it he would just leave right away to save me the hassle and again after sleeping rough a few nights at most, he would end it.

I just don’t know what to do.

the lack of kisses and cuddles and sex from me is one of the main reasons behind his depression and essentially tries to get me to provide all this (and I do try but I just don’t feel it, it feels fake)

Please re-read this until you can see what it shows about the mismatch between how you feel and what you are expected to do. He should not be blaming you. You have got used to being in service to his needs, ignoring your own.

OP, I completely understand this situation from my own past experience. I hope you can find a way to shift yourself to the centre of your focus of tender loving care, because that is the only way you will ever find happiness.

Honestly, I could have written this a year ago, except that he was seeking treatment (but it wasn't enough) and that when depressed, my then-DH would have rages. During one of these he threatened to leave, I took the opportunity to say that he was wise and maybe we both needed it, and booked him a local Airbnb for a month.

It was, even with 3 small DCs and minimal help or visits from him, shockingly restful. He actually also got better without the day to day pressures of family.

We're likely to stay separated. It makes me so sad because on good weeks, he's the wonderful,.funny, interesting man I married, but many weeks he's just mentally absent and bad weeks are awful. I'm also sad on the practical level, so much falls to me now while he lives a bit of a bachelor life. But at least it's calm.

Like others say, he needs to understand that he seeks help or he goes - and that medication isn't an overnight fix.

Does he actually have depression? Has he really seen a doctor or therapist? He could be a clever, manipulative man who’s faking it to keep you in your place.

This was my parent's marriage.

Now my father is dead (not related to MH) and my mother is free. However, I have a very poor relationship with her because I have so much repressed anger toward her for not protecting us from their toxic emotion abusive/ enabling dynamic. She used to tell us that dad would kill himself if she left. I used to feel sorry for her but now I'm just angry.

You are not helping by staying - you are enabling his helplessness by providing a sticking plaster. Put you and your children first - they won't thank you for staying.

I'm sorry if that sounded harsh. I do understand it's not so easy, but I just wanted to offer another perspective. Your children will be soaking all this up and this will be their blueprint for future adult relationships.

@Babdoc

OP, this is no way to live your life. Do you really want the next 30 years to be the same? I think your DH is using this “depression” as a form of emotional blackmail and abusive control in your marriage. He has a vested interest in remaining “depressed” as it means he gets to lounge on the sofa and go off to visit friends without having to earn a living. You are doing absolutely all the work in the marriage and he contributes nothing. Why is he not going to the GP? Why is he not on antidepressant medication? Why is he conveniently always on the verge of sorting it himself but never actually does? The suicide threat is standard abusers’ script, too, to keep you slaving on and stop you leaving. Call his bluff, OP. Tell him he goes to the GP and starts treatment, with your support. Or you will start divorce proceedings. And mean it. Otherwise you will indeed spend the next 30 years “enabling” this horrible codependent abusive marriage.

I agree. How convenient for him he gets all this time to himself. Why are you putting your needs second OP?

Thank you so much. I am taking this all in with an open mind and trying to decide on a next step.

He’s not intentionally a bad person . I know why some of the replies to this have been harsh but this is like grieving to me. Iv been watching the sweetest, kindest human I have ever met be devoured by this and it kills me that I essentially need to step back and risk him destroying himself to see if he will fall or fly. He’s not intentionally abusive or manipulative. I just want to put that out there. It’s a sad, sad situation and that’s before I even start to look at it from mine or the kids point of view.

Hold ON a second - he coerces you into sex? Doesn't work? Goes round his friends houses till all hours and gets to opt out of family life?

Doesn't sound very depressed to me. Sounds like he's got you totally bamboozled.

I was on here 3 years ago asking something very similar. I got some fantastic advice.

I also got some counselling myself through my work which really helped.

You have to look after yourself as the priority.

I was getting so caught up in his drama and life that I lost sight of that.

The counsellor I talked to said to encase yourself in a roll of bubble wrap or a fake sumo costumer. Imagine that surrounding you and protecting you so what he is saying bounces off. You don't need to respond to everything... or anything really

My husband had a major depressive episode, I wouldn't have stayed with him if he hadn't take all the steps that are recommended - he - most importantly - went to the GP and got medication which he took. He went back when it wasn't right for him and got different medication. sometimes I went with him to the appointments sometimes I didn't. It was hard to hear what I was saying but I needed to see he wasn't minimising his thoughts to the GP.

He say a therpaist (not sure how much that helped him but he tried) he exercised (he hated it and it was a massive effort to do but he got out of the house every day and did heart rate raising exercise), he made an effort to talk to someone other than me every day,

I unashamedly made use of other people - his parents, his friends, to give me a break.

I made regular times for myself out of the house, there were days I didn't think I should leave him as I was worried he was going to kill himself, but if he had that would have been his choice not because I'd left him for my regular coffee time with a friend.

I needed that space otherwise I'd have got sucked in.

He's so much better now, we don't have the crisis team number on the fridge anymore or on speed dial on my phone.

But the only reason I stayed with him is because he sought and got help.

Dear OP - excellent advice on here.

He may or may not be really ill - abusers make all kinds of claims about poor mental health because they think it gives them carte blanche to treat people like shit.

Functional people with MH problems take responsibility for managing the problems and looking after themselves so that they don’t destroy other people’s lives.

It suits your H terribly well to maintain he’s too depressed to do anything but refuse to seek treatment because it means no demands are made of him - he gets to just do the fun stuff and he gets to make endless demands of you.

That is not how an adult should live. He’s wasting your life but he’s also wasting his. And from a place of love you’re enabling him. You’re protecting him from the consequences of his very poor life choices. He won’t even try to get better (assuming he really is ill) for as long as you do that because being ill has such huge payoffs for him. He sounds utterly selfish and immature.

You can’t do this any more, OP. It’s bad for you and it’s also bad for your children to have this behaviour and relationship modelled to them. Also, his behaviour will be compromising your ability to attend to and enjoy life with your children.

As a PP said - he’s not your job. Stop carrying him. Put him down before you drop him. He needs professional help and/or medication. And if he won’t do that, you need to cut him loose before he destroys you. If he kills himself (which he almost certainly won’t), that’s his choice, not your fault. If he threatens it, call 999. Let professionals handle him.

I really feel for you. There are no winners here. Sending strength

You've had some excellent advice on this thread, I hope you find the strength to act on it. If nothing else, you need to think of your children. Having a father who is deeply depressed and does nothing to help himself is going to have a major adverse impact on them as they get older.

My late husband also had depression, alongside alcohol addiction. And he also did nothing about it. It ended badly, with him leaving our home with police involvement.

A few days after, I heard my oldest DD sing in the shower and nearly cried because she hadn't done that for years - he didn't like the noise. Do you want your children walking on eggshells and constantly appeasing their father? I realise that this is an awfully hard situation for you, but there are three people in the mix who do not have choices and who need you to make the best choices for their welfare. Good luck

Op I’m so sorry to read this. There’s a lot of mental health issues in my family, the 1 thing you need to know is YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER ADULTS MENTAL HEALTH. It is hard, depression is an awful illness it’s also a very selfish illness and unless he is willing to take responsibility for himself he will never get better.

Hi OP, reading your posts makes me think of acceptance. That can make such a difference to our mindset. You'll struggle to move forward for your own and your children's sakes until you accept that he's not the man you married and you have to let him go, despite the terror of his potential suicide. As long as you keep lamenting how sad it is that such a formerly lovely man has become so vulnerable, you'll kid yourself that you have some power over things that are out of your control. The only real control you have in this situation is to face and accept the trap you're in. If you don't, you can't spring yourself and your kids from it. Yes it's a dreadful decision to have to make, and it must seem very unfair that it's left to you, but that's the reality of the situation. Until you confront that reality with action, you're not in control. From what you've said, your kids need someone to be in control before this excruciating stalemate blights their childhoods even more deeply. It's devastating to feel that you're somehow responsible for making that choice, but what's the alternative? He's not going to change, it is what it is. At the moment he's controlling everything with his refusals to seek professional support, and that's unacceptable. Your fear of letting him go is the other controlling factor. Can you get some support for yourself to help you explore that impossible strategy?

Refusing to get help, going round to friends until the middle of the night and blaming you for his problems because of lack of sex are not the behaviours of a depressed person. They are the behaviours of someone lazy and manipulative.

Why won't he take medication?

You cannot live like this. How on earth are you going to cope with another baby?

And I meant to say, as harsh as it sounds, misery loves company. Left alone, misery sinks or swims. Again, beyond your control. Your kids will learn to cope, whatever happens, but rather than teaching them resilience at present, you're showing them dependence and powerlessness as hostages to emotional blackmail. You know what happens when you pay a blackmailer; you end up with nothing and the truth comes out anyway.

@baroqueandblue

And I meant to say, as harsh as it sounds, misery loves company. Left alone, misery sinks or swims. Again, beyond your control. Your kids will learn to cope, whatever happens, but rather than teaching them resilience at present, you're showing them dependence and powerlessness as hostages to emotional blackmail. You know what happens when you pay a blackmailer; you end up with nothing and the truth comes out anyway.

Love this ... love so many of the comments above.

OP, take good care of yourself. X

Urgh☹️
He's like a huge black jellyfish that has landed on your life and is suffocating everything ☹️

Harsh as this sounds, if he is not prepared to help himself ( medication, counselling etc) then you have to focus on you and the kids

If that means you leaving and finding somewhere else, then that’s what it means, you have to focus on the kids, what life are they having? And with you being dragged down as well it will only get worse

Has he family he can go to? He he says he is going to kill himself, call the police, but don’t allow a threat to make you stay, you will just end up resenting him more , it will become a never ending cycle

OP you can't keep doing everything, I think you need help yourself to feel more liberated from him. You can't be loving and supportive but not to the detriment of yourself and your family.

He has chosen not to seek or use help, that's his choice and it's while the depression will affect that choice, plenty of people with mental illness make a different choice to get help. I think you're unintentionally enabling him to not get better because you are the one dealing with all the consequences.

However, you and your family are suffering and I'm sure it's having a huge affect oh your own mental health. Go to the GP and seek help for yourself, prioritise yourself and the children.

If you threatens to kill himself say how devastating that would be for you all and you really don't want him to, but also say that it's his choice and you can't control what he chooses to do. You want him in your family and to be a family but right now his choices are making that impossible and the current situation isn't just unsustainable it's having a detrimental affect on you and the children.

Whenever he moves the responsibility onto you, move it back.

He has you exactly where he wants you.

Doing everything whilst he controls your life.

Your poor children.

You are not responsible for him.

He sounds far too clear in his ability to live his live exactly as he wishes, whilst controlling you to be as depressed as he says.

Get out.

Call the police to do a welfare check if he threatens suicide.

In the end, as PPs have said, the real responsibility lies with him. You're just going to lay out his options for him and MEAN IT. From that point onwards, it's up to him. Don't fear being blamed for empowering him to make his own choices.

This isn’t a few weeks feeling low and hoping to snap out of it. If left alone and given a break for responsibilities. You have been at this has been years. The problem and I’ve seen this many times if you are single you can not just float around. To get benefits to live and pay the rent you have jump through hoops. You need engage with doctors and get signed off. You don’t have the option of getting no help or not working.

When someone is supported by parents or partner there is endless time in the do nothing phase. It does no one any good at all. You need to be cruel to be kind. It’s one thing to try and live with someone like this when they have tried every therapy and medication going. They have to show willing.

If he had a broken leg and couldn’t do anything for himself and relied on you for everything you be telling him get sorted.

He’s never going to suddenly get better over night unless something changes. If he doesn’t do it with your support he have to do it alone. Then he really will have to engage because he will get no benefit or rent without engaging and saying yes I am sick. Yes I need support. If he’s not willing to admit that then it is lost cause. You deserve better x

@pointythings I almost cried reading your post about your dd singing in the shower because now she could. Sometimes you don't see what's in front of your eyes, but I think that my two dcs walk on eggshells around their dad in a similar way. They totally let themselves go when they're with me, we laugh, act silly, just have a lovely cuddly time. But with him they're almost like strangers and they daren't ask him to do anything, don't ask him if they can have something other than politics on the telly, don't ask him to play with them..... And yes I think he uses his depression as an excuse to do nothing but lie on the sofa every night. Yes he works 8-7 every day, but then he's finished. I work full time too, but I've got everything else to do on top of that. And he blames me for not giving affection. Well I'm afraid I can't just magic up feelings that aren't there. We've been nothing more than friends for years, and he seems prepared to accept that as enough. I can't. I need more from life, but just can't seem to break away because of FOG as mentioned earlier. Good luck OP, you deserve a better life xx

I am going through almost same situation as yours. Being together for 20 years we have 2 kids, all the work he gets he says they abuse him so it came to a point that he is not working and I find better this way because he doesn't bring issues home anymore, I am the one who works take care of house the kids the only thing he does is drop them to school. He doesn't have any friends because he says they are all against him, he told my mum to not come to my house for him none of my family is good, everyone is against him. He abuses me psychological. I am not strong enough to leave him and I know that if I decide to leave him he will not leave the house I will have to move. But now I realised that I can't leave this escalate anymore. Hope you will be able to help yourself