If I kick him out he will kill himself

[BillywigStings]

Over the years I have been coming to the realisation that my husbands mental health means we won’t ever be a normal family and at the moment I’m struggling with what to do with that info.

Essentially everything relies on me. I cook, clean and work full time and look after the kids. I’m mentally exhausted and poor so I have purposefully ended my social life by letting friends drift away. Occasionally my husband gets a job, but it never lasts as his depressions sets in, and he ends up being fired for being late or not turning up (he forgets to go in).

Obviously as we have been together 13 years and have three kids (well I’m still pregnant with the third) together we have had good times and he still is often a wonderful person. However his depression is like a horrible disease which has taken over him and I’m just so damn tired of being a single parent with no one realising how much I have to do alone. I don’t want other peoples sympathy, I just feel so frustrated. It’s just me, and I’m working or looking after the kids, or cleaning ALL the damn time plus trying to be a therapist for my husband who seems to be on the edge of ending it all most times I talk to him about it. I just kind of silently enable him by not talking about it (at his request). In the past I confronted him and tried to force therapy etc and he reacted badly, having breakdowns and going through worse patches.

I’ve tried convincing him and even threatening him with splitting up if he won’t see someone about his problems but he insists he is on the edge of sorting himself out...he pretty much resists the idea of therapy and the last time I just said ‘well I can’t take this anymore we might as well split up’ he actually left. He turned around later and came back and said he would have killed himself. I know he really wanted to leave though. I also know he would have killed him self within 24 hours, he didn’t need to tell me that.

This isn’t bravado, or selfishness, he is just mentally sick. He said it matter of factly and I thank god he turned round because I know he wouldn’t have done it.

On good days he is wonderful with the kids, on bad days he is absent. He just leaves and walks until he is alone and just sits out in a field, a park, anywhere. Other times he goes to spend time with his friends and stays so late he falls asleep at their house and often doesn’t crawl home till 1-2am or later. He refuses to get an early night and falls asleep alone on the sofa with the dog.

If he’s feeling argumentative he will say the lack of kisses and cuddles and sex from me is one of the main reasons behind his depression and essentially tries to get me to provide all this (and I do try but I just don’t feel it, it feels fake) but after years of him being like this I just can’t seem to make myself show physical affection. I feel like he’s more like an extra child who I keep around to lift heavy things for me or do DIY work.

What I’m trying to say is he is only capable of drifting through life. He can’t take challenges or pressure. If I wasn’t providing a home base for his existence he would have killed him self long before.

What do I do? I know I could cope without him, probably would thrive as I wouldn’t constantly be hoping for help and support I don’t get, but I love him and want to help him. At the very least I can’t kick him out as he has nowhere to go. I would have to set him up with a flat and an income (benefits I guess) in secret (because if he knew about it he would just leave right away to save me the hassle and again after sleeping rough a few nights at most, he would end it.

I just don’t know what to do.

It's very common OP for suicide threats. My ex threatened it and I stayed and stayed until I couldnt take his abuse anymore. You have to be strong for yourself and children. He went out " to kill himself" so heres what I did - rang MH crisis line. Rang his family. Called the police for a welfare check. I finally realised that this would be my life if I didnt stop it. And that there are people more qualified than me to deal with this. He didnt do it. It was just more manipulative behaviour. Once I " handed over the responsibility to others, he lost that power over me. He wasnt my responsibility, just like your OH isn't yours.

Excuse my poor spelling earlier OP but I meant what I said. If I were your Mam I'd be gutted. Your 'H' is literally holding you hostage here with his threats. This is no way for you to live.

@meanwhilebacktobasics

It's very common OP for suicide threats. My ex threatened it and I stayed and stayed until I couldnt take his abuse anymore. You have to be strong for yourself and children. He went out " to kill himself" so heres what I did - rang MH crisis line. Rang his family. Called the police for a welfare check. I finally realised that this would be my life if I didnt stop it. And that there are people more qualified than me to deal with this. He didnt do it. It was just more manipulative behaviour. Once I " handed over the responsibility to others, he lost that power over me. He wasnt my responsibility, just like your OH isn't yours.

This OP. Take control back and seek help.

You so deserve it.

Please don't subjugate your own health to prop him up. He needs to take responsibility for himself. You can't carry on doing everything for ever, it's exhausting. The comment about his poor mental health being down to you not providing him with enough sex speaks volumes. It sounds like you might be facilitating his helplessness. Stop doing that and put your own needs first. I know that won't be easy but he's being very unfair holding you hostage like this.

You could waste the rest of your life, trying to fix him. He has got to do it. It's his responsibility , not yours. He is sinking and taking you down with him. He has become a liability.
What does he contribute to the relationship?
This is no life for you.
I would say to him he either gets help, or that's it, for the sake of your own mental health.

He is manipulating and exploiting you.

Your DC don’t have a functioning father - he is both emotionally absent and emotionally destructive to them.

They only have one parent and that parent is drained, distracted and preoccupied an emotionally manipulative and abusive partner. Whilst your finite energy, headspace, time and emotion is drained by this emotional leech you have nothing left to attune and attend to you DC. They are missing out here by having two emotionally distracted parents, one threatening and brooding and the other exhausted at the end of her tether.

This will leave them anxious and stressed and they will develop their own behaviour issues and likely chronic MH issues in their teenage years.

This is not an appropriate environment to raise children.

He needs an ultimatum - he doesn’t get to drag you all down and blight their childhoods with his belligerent, contemptuous and controlling behaviour.

Lots of people have MH issues and take responsibility to seek help and manage it to the best of their ability. He is choosing not to do this and I wonder if it is even really that bad as he is sane enough to manipulate you with threats of suicide but able to socialise until the early hours with his friends.

Seek some professional emotional support for yourself so that you can restore your own wellbeing to move this situation forward to give your DC the childhood they deserve and yourself peace of mind.

Keep sign posting him to professionals - they are the experts you are not. Close him down when he makes you his therapist you are not qualified - point him in the right direction. Call an ambulance if he threatens suicide - this is out of your capability.

@JackieTheFart

It sounds like he’s maybe had one depressive episode and is now using that to control you.

Am I right in that he won’t have therapy, doesn’t take medication, engages with the children on his terms, badgers you for sex and affection and then blames you for his depression if you don’t give in, can’t hold down a job, also can’t do anything to run the house?

Maybe I’m just in a bad mood but most of that screams controlling abuser to me, but obviously I’m not living it.

Honestly I think it’s time you issue an ultimatum. You can’t continue to hold your family together on your own. He needs to seek help, and engage with it, or you need to separate for your own mental health. You’re about to breaking point, and who will pick up the slack if you’re not able to?

I agree with this.

He may have had depression once, and you've been so attentive the first time, he's gone 'hmm easy life, I'll keep this up'. So he's just faked it from then on to keep you at his beck and call. Depression tends to make you lose libido too, not go begging for sex and coercing someone into it. It also doesn't make you forget to go to work, he just can't be assed.

My ex used to threaten to kill himself too if I left him, used to say he couldn't live without me and send me pictures of him holding knives and shit. In the end I got so pissed off with him controlling me, I called him on his bluff (not proud of that, but after being raped by him too I no longer cared what he did). Funnily enough, he didn't do it. I did manage to get rid of him though, he realised I couldn't be controlled anymore so buggered off. Threatening that shit is controlling, and it's sick too. There are people out there who actually feel like they have nothing to live for, they need help. These twats like my ex need a prison cell.

In your situation I’d start to disengage and mentally disconnect form him, until I’d feel strong enough to leave

Then do what the poster up thread said: call his family, his friends, his GP, the police, and hand over the responsibility

You say you love him, but he does not care for you or he would not treat you this way. He trapped you. It’s an evil thing to do imo

This level of stress will really take its toll - you are at risk of being catapulted into PND - who is then available to care for your 3 young DC.

Take steps to prioritise YOUR own MH - putting it front and centre so that it is protected and restored for the benefit of your DC - don’t let him erode you any further.

What Shehas and Babdoc said. He's emotionally abusing you.

He's an adult who's using depression to abuse you.

He needs to be told it's over and he's to leave. Not your job to find him a flat and you can't get benefits for him in secret.

If he ends it, that's on him.

Dear OP

you are trapped in hell by this manipulative bullying sneaky prick.

Please for the love of gawd make him leave 🌺

I think you need to ask yourself -

'Do I love him like an adult romantic partner? Do I love in the way I would love a child? Do I care for him in the same way I would care for a friend or patient?'

Maybe that line has become blurred for you, but it's useful to examine why you still love, or are in love with an adult who behaves or has issues which means you are a parent for him, not an equal partner. Many women love their men like they would love a child, and it's often a big mistake.

If he's serious, if he's that matter of fact about killing himself, I would urge you to contact the police or local mental health services to get him sectioned or assessed.

He knows that as long as he makes these threats or statements, you will never be able to leave him or full move on, because he thinks you will feel responsible for his actions or death. It doesn't matter if he's doing it deliberately or not - he knows that this will be the consequence of what he's doing and yet shows no interest in getting help.

I’m really horrified by this. In my experience (quite severe mental health problems & suicide in immediate family) people with severe depression are absolutely desperate to get help. The problem is that the help often isn’t available - not that they don’t want it.

What you describe I’m afraid sounds like abuse using mental health as a cover (particularly the pressure for sex, not helping, not working, being able though to visit friends). And not just abuse of you- because this is damaging your children’s childhood.

It sounds like someone who’s demotivated & probably not particularly happy, but has found a low effort way of life that he’s comfortable with, at your expense. Sorry.

Personally, I’d leave him, because (going by what you’ve said & by my own experience) I think he’s an abuser who’s ruining your life. But assuming you’re not willing to do that, I’d make continuing the relationship dependent on his getting immediate medical help, helping around the house, and when lockdown permits getting a job - any job.

(And please don’t allow yourself to be controlled by threats of suicide. If he’s genuinely at risk he needs proper professional help which you really can’t provide. If he’s not genuinely at risk, he’s using & abusing your trust.)

Your children deserve better than this. So do you.

The most important thing First Aiders learn in their training is to keep themselves safe and healthy. The same applies to all aspects of life. You owe it to yourself and your children to look out for your own mental health and wellbeing. If he threatens to self-harm and/or kill himself, call the police and press to have him sectioned. This is no life for you or your children, you all deserve better!

@Babdoc

OP, this is no way to live your life. Do you really want the next 30 years to be the same? I think your DH is using this “depression” as a form of emotional blackmail and abusive control in your marriage. He has a vested interest in remaining “depressed” as it means he gets to lounge on the sofa and go off to visit friends without having to earn a living. You are doing absolutely all the work in the marriage and he contributes nothing. Why is he not going to the GP? Why is he not on antidepressant medication? Why is he conveniently always on the verge of sorting it himself but never actually does? The suicide threat is standard abusers’ script, too, to keep you slaving on and stop you leaving. Call his bluff, OP. Tell him he goes to the GP and starts treatment, with your support. Or you will start divorce proceedings. And mean it. Otherwise you will indeed spend the next 30 years “enabling” this horrible codependent abusive marriage.

This!!!! I was in a similar situation with an ex partner once. I did leave and strangely enough he didn't kill himself and made it through, who'd have thought.

Call to get him sectioned if he is a danger to himself, then leave when he is safe.

Hmm yeah course he will . Does he ever take responsibility for anything ever? He’s done a good number on you. Why continue having children with him if this is the way things are?

This makes me think of the “l have had an affair, my wife has found out, l can’t live with the guilt and lm going to kill myself” script

No he won't.

And, even if he did, it's not your fault.

He is lazy, abusive and manipulative. Yes, he might be depressed but that does not give him the right to make the life of you and your children one of misery and fear.

It's a common phenomenon. My ex threatened to kill himself every time he want the centre of attention. I ended up doing an after work flit while he was actually at work for once and he's still alive 20 years and another failed marriage later.

I struggled with a similar situation. I bent over backwards. Eventually I had to split up with him as his reckless behaviour was endangering our kids. Of course the fallout, him being off the grid, not working, the consequences of his decisions over the years; all this was deemed my fault. The relatives still treat me as a bitch from hell when I supported him for years. Looking back on it, I think if someone is going to kill themselves they will kill themselves. It got in a position where I was made to feel responsible for every aspect of his mental health. And he was happy bleeding me dry. Your kids need you. I say get shot. Some people will just drag you down and your kids and career cannot afford this.

I got all this crap too about it was my fault he was depressed. Plus a load of other crap I didn't need. Make sure he isn't in a position where he is deemed to be taking care of the kids while you work: last thing you need is kids staying with barely functioning him, if he is viewed as the stay at home parent. Go and see a solicitor in the quiet and make sure your ducks are all in a row.

@mbosnz

OP, I have just lost my job as a result of depression and severe anxiety.

I reached rock bottom, got signed off work, and ultimately couldn't successfully re-engage with it.

My job at the moment, as me and DH see it, is getting me mentally and physically healthy.

I have been to the doctor, I have been put on med's, I am engaging with talking therapy and CBT, and implementing the techniques.

Being mentally ill does not give me a get out of jail free card to do as little as I want, only what I want, or to be abusive and coercive to my partner.

I was suicidal. All that kept me going at some points, was that I would not hurt my kids and husband the way I saw a friend's kids and husband hurt, when their mother committed suicide. That doesn't mean that I would use the threat of suicide as a way to maintain a status quo where my husband was doing absolutely everything and I was contributing bugger all that is positive to the relationship.

OP re-read this brave message several times. ^This is how someone who has severe mental illness can behave if they are a decent person. They are dealing with a cruel, debilitating illness, taking responsibility for it, taking steps towards recovery, doing their utmost to protect their family from its worst effects. Depression is not an excuse to be an arse for the rest of your life.

Thank you cowbells. You have no idea what it meant to me, to read your kind and generous post.

If you swapped the word diabetes for depression it might clarify things.

H is diabetic, he refuses to see a Dr or take responsibility for incorporating lifestyle advice to manage his health - which then means he can’t work or parent or do chores but can demand sex, tantrum and threaten as well as have late night socials with mates.

Just doesn’t add up.

It’s not acceptable.

@RoseAndRose

However his depression is like a horrible disease which has taken over him

Not 'like', it is a horrible disease

Has he sought medical help?

plus trying to be a therapist for my husband

Stop trying - he needs a proper, qualified therapist

He needs proper help. You cannot patch this and he sounds ill. A proper diagnosis and treatment plan could make all the difference in the world. If he will not cooperate, then you cannot force him, and then it will be the time to look at how to separate as safely as possible.

The issue is that there are no therapists available on NHS typical, particularly for people under care of secondary mental health teams and who have severe and enduring mental illness. My exh has a psychotic illness. I stayed married to him for 20 years after he was diagnosed. He has had therapeutic treatment just twice in that whole time. The second time I had to have a sit in in the mental health directors office to get the treatment recommended by NICE guidelines. The rest of the time he was medicated, and saw someone from the mental health team for 30-40 mins every 6 months. That’s it. There is no money or resources for anything else.

I was his carer, his provider, his therapist dealing with hearing voices, hallucinations and delusions. I didn’t ask for those roles..there was simply no one else and the mental health teams unfortunately see a ill person in a secure home environment and dump on you, focusing their attentions on people who have no family.

I was, like the OP, the only bread winner, effectively a single parent- and yes it was like having another child. That massively changes the dynamic of a marriage and sexual relationships..someone told me once this is an obvious that it would kill sexual relationship. I last had sex 15 years ago.

I have just left my husband. He stopped compliance with his meds and that was it for me. I was prepared to stay married all the time he was willing to take help.

It is not as simple as saying he needs a therapist and stop being his therapist. There are not the resources.