If I kick him out he will kill himself

[BillywigStings]

Over the years I have been coming to the realisation that my husbands mental health means we won’t ever be a normal family and at the moment I’m struggling with what to do with that info.

Essentially everything relies on me. I cook, clean and work full time and look after the kids. I’m mentally exhausted and poor so I have purposefully ended my social life by letting friends drift away. Occasionally my husband gets a job, but it never lasts as his depressions sets in, and he ends up being fired for being late or not turning up (he forgets to go in).

Obviously as we have been together 13 years and have three kids (well I’m still pregnant with the third) together we have had good times and he still is often a wonderful person. However his depression is like a horrible disease which has taken over him and I’m just so damn tired of being a single parent with no one realising how much I have to do alone. I don’t want other peoples sympathy, I just feel so frustrated. It’s just me, and I’m working or looking after the kids, or cleaning ALL the damn time plus trying to be a therapist for my husband who seems to be on the edge of ending it all most times I talk to him about it. I just kind of silently enable him by not talking about it (at his request). In the past I confronted him and tried to force therapy etc and he reacted badly, having breakdowns and going through worse patches.

I’ve tried convincing him and even threatening him with splitting up if he won’t see someone about his problems but he insists he is on the edge of sorting himself out...he pretty much resists the idea of therapy and the last time I just said ‘well I can’t take this anymore we might as well split up’ he actually left. He turned around later and came back and said he would have killed himself. I know he really wanted to leave though. I also know he would have killed him self within 24 hours, he didn’t need to tell me that.

This isn’t bravado, or selfishness, he is just mentally sick. He said it matter of factly and I thank god he turned round because I know he wouldn’t have done it.

On good days he is wonderful with the kids, on bad days he is absent. He just leaves and walks until he is alone and just sits out in a field, a park, anywhere. Other times he goes to spend time with his friends and stays so late he falls asleep at their house and often doesn’t crawl home till 1-2am or later. He refuses to get an early night and falls asleep alone on the sofa with the dog.

If he’s feeling argumentative he will say the lack of kisses and cuddles and sex from me is one of the main reasons behind his depression and essentially tries to get me to provide all this (and I do try but I just don’t feel it, it feels fake) but after years of him being like this I just can’t seem to make myself show physical affection. I feel like he’s more like an extra child who I keep around to lift heavy things for me or do DIY work.

What I’m trying to say is he is only capable of drifting through life. He can’t take challenges or pressure. If I wasn’t providing a home base for his existence he would have killed him self long before.

What do I do? I know I could cope without him, probably would thrive as I wouldn’t constantly be hoping for help and support I don’t get, but I love him and want to help him. At the very least I can’t kick him out as he has nowhere to go. I would have to set him up with a flat and an income (benefits I guess) in secret (because if he knew about it he would just leave right away to save me the hassle and again after sleeping rough a few nights at most, he would end it.

I just don’t know what to do.

OP I'm sorry, the situation is really tough.

But a few things: the first about you feeling you can somehow stop him committing suicide. I totally understand why you feel like that, everything about what he says and what your lives are builds you up to feel like that. But I really don't believe its true.

I had a very close friend with mental health problems who I was the main confidant to and for years who I felt I was almost physically holding together. Nothing like as intense a relationship as with a partner, but still a huge emotional toll - we went to uni together, lived together, travelled together and I remember the constant sense that I needed to do certain things or enable certain things or not call out certain things or she might die. In the end, our friendship broke down, mostly instigated by her after I called her out on a few things and a decade later she died by suicide shortly after her relationship ended - her husband left her. So firstly, to recognise, it does happen. But it is never a direct causation. I was devastated, and grieved, despite the fact we weren't in contact, and even after all those years of not speaking part of me thought: 'what if I had been there, what if I had been able to talk to her about it?' And I'm sure her husband feels guilt and anguish and asks those same questions. But I'm also sure he will have gone through a long time of trying to seek her help, and that ultimately the seeds of this were there before he even met her. And I know from mutual friends that she had lots of people offering help, and seemed to be well and together in the time before. The simple reality is, you really really can't stop someone, or 'save' someone. Its either in them to do it, and they see no other alternative, at that particular time, or it isn't. Sometimes external events can be a catalyst, or seem to be, but think seriously about what it means to always be on high alert in the way you have been. Can you really spend your children's whole childhoods like that?

Is there a risk of this burden being passed on to them when they're older? What if one of them lashes out at him emotionally, demands things he can't give, and he has a breakdown or worse? Will that child feel responsible?

I think you need to get support for yourself in the short term, largely to start to think through what boundaries you can put in place. You can't 'hold' someone's whole life the way you're doing, prioritise them above you and your children, and continue to function for decades at a time. Its not possible. I think you're probably starting to feel that more and more. The decisions you have to make may lead to him finally getting help and support, there may be a different outcome, but I think you need to prioritise getting the support you need to see those decisions through, and I hope it is available to you.

Oh OP, I totally sympathise. A lot of what you have said has really struck a chord with me too.
I'm on the brink of leaving my husband of 10 years. We have 3 children who will be devastated, but like you, I'm essentially a single parent at the end of my tether. Slightly different scenario as I only work part time and my husband is the main breadwinner. I think he is also a narcissist and he has been emotionally and verbally abusive towards me.
I have come to the realization I cannot fix my husband, I'm pretty sure he is depressed, and he has threatened suicide if I leave. I have tried to get him to seek help/counselling but he has refused. I have spoken with our GP about him, but as the GP said, he needs to seek the help himself.
I still need to build up that last bit of courage to tell him I want to divorce, and I dread it as I know he won't be willing and will do all he can to make things difficult for me.
I don't have any advice as I haven't had the courage to leave yet myself, but I think you will know deep down that its the right thing for you to do. Sending lots of love x

He’s not intentionally abusive or manipulative. I just want to put that out there

There's a common misconception, often on this board too, that abusers do i because they are horrible evil people who purposefully mean to destroy others. I don't subscribe to that theory and personally I think the sooner we abandon that thinking, the better. Abusers are abusers because they think they have the right to do x or y. The are abusers because they think it is not their responsibility to control their moods or manage themselves. Many abusers genuinely think they are good people who, for example, "just know better" or who genuinely think THEY are the victim because they don't know how to control themselves. It's bollocks. But it means that people who are broadly speaking good people, get away with endless amounts of abusive behaviour because society looks at them and thinks, "But abusers are EVIL and this is a nice person."

Your DH might be a nice person but he is being abusive and manipulative. And unless he's willing to address this, it's hard to see how your relationship can survive or how your DC get through this to adulthood with their self confidence/self esteem intact.

What would he do if you stopped juggling work, kids & him? Would he step up?

What would happen if you disappeared for a night or stopped working?

Think this through, as you'll end up (or are already) burnt out and this will be the reality.

Oh OP. This was me. I held him together for years, did everything bar making the money. He found work an escape but did nothing with the kids. I was given some harsh but fair talking to on mumsnet, eventually got him into therapy and medication and he dealt with some of the childhood issues and as soon as he was better he decided that he didn't want to be with me any more because we didn't actually have a relationship any more. I was his therapist and his pseudo mother. I had lost my respect for him, he had lost his love for me, he had an EA and I told him to leave.

I was worried he'd hurt himself, but I was so hurt myself that I switched that off and you know what? Nearly two years later and he's coping. He cooks for himself, he cleans, he has the kids EOW. He is a functional human being and I am free. I am still deeply hurt by the way it happened, but it was the right thing and it's better for all of us. It really is.

Get him help. Get him out. Put yourself first.

This sounds awful OP.

I feel for you and your husband, but him blaming your lack of sexual attention for his suicidal thoughts is unacceptable.

There's some great advice on here already, I'm sorry I don't have anything useful to add, but I do wish you all the best.

It sounds like he’s maybe had one depressive episode and is now using that to control you.

Am I right in that he won’t have therapy, doesn’t take medication, engages with the children on his terms, badgers you for sex and affection and then blames you for his depression if you don’t give in, can’t hold down a job, also can’t do anything to run the house?

Maybe I’m just in a bad mood but most of that screams controlling abuser to me, but obviously I’m not living it.

Honestly I think it’s time you issue an ultimatum. You can’t continue to hold your family together on your own. He needs to seek help, and engage with it, or you need to separate for your own mental health. You’re about to breaking point, and who will pick up the slack if you’re not able to?

"I think your DH is using this “depression” as a form of emotional blackmail and abusive control in your marriage."

Yup, absolutely screamed this to me too. He's not "evil incarnate" perhaps but it's still abusive to let you do everything until you break and just shrug his shoulders without even attempting to get any kind of help.

I've had depression, pretty severe. I still went to work, still mothered my child, still did stuff I had to do. I got help, medication and talking therapy. I wanted to get better! So I could be there and help my family and be part of a family! Your dh doesn't, he doesn't seem to care about what this is doing to you and your children and that's the worst part.

You are not responsible for him.

Medical depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, and there isn't a level of food, affection, kindness or leisure which will make it go away. You can't be sufficiently "nice to" a depressed person to make them be not depressed any more.

It is possible to be both depressed and a selfish arsehole - and the failure to contribute is due to being a selfish arsehole not due to the depression. It is possible to be both depressed and a decent partner and father, and the times that person manages to contribute to family life in spite of their depression can certainly feel like heroic efforts to them but at the same time understanding that it is no more than their reasonable responsibility to do so.

OP you are not responsible for safeguarding his life/stopping him ending it.

I have had two exe's threaten suicide when depressed - I still left the relationships.

The first hadn't worked for 3 years because of depression. He got a job within 4 weeks of me leaving because I wasn't there to pick up the tab.

Neither of them ended their lives, they were using it to try and manipulate me into staying in a shitty relationship.

He is supposed to be your husband not a man-child you have to protect from themselves.

He might have been a lovely person but he is emotionally blackmailing you into sex and he is emotionally blackmailing you into doing everything in the household. While staying with him, which you also don't seem to want to do.

Start from the position that this cannot carry on. No sex you don't want, that's the absolute bare minimum. Then think about your boundaries.

You can't carry on living this half life. And what about the children? What lessons are they learning about healthy relationships and division of labour in the home?

Lots of great advice on here.

Have you had counseling for yourself about this situation?
I would start there for your own well-being

With this having gone on for so long, it has become a negative pattern and it's up to you to break it.
When he has threatened suicide, have you ever called the police on him? It would be the right thing to do next time he does.

I've been where he is in depression. I was so far down I'm not sure I would have made it out if it wasn't for my sister.
She made a doctor's appointment for me and just took me. I was too depressed to argue about it. I took the meds and was pretty negative about it like what's the use. This won't do anything. I guess I reluctantly complied. But it was enough to lift me out once the meds started working.

You might do that. Just make the appointment and take him. Meds might lift him up enough to continue helping himself.
Just an idea.

The first hadn't worked for 3 years because of depression. He got a job within 4 weeks of me leaving because I wasn't there to pick up the tab
feels like there are an abundance of men who only manage to function b/c they have been able to hoodwink a kind and naïve woman into martyring herself to keep him afloat
we can live without them fine, why are they so weak?

You cannot carry the burden of a depressed person who refuses to get help. I did this with a friend in my twenties. I had no DC but it wore me out. I lost jobs because of her demands.

He is ill. It is his responsibility to take steps to get well - medication, therapy, alternative therapies etc. Stop carrying him. Tell him you are at breaking point and in the same breath, before he has a chance to, say that it was brutal of him in the past to threaten suicide and that you refuse to be manipulated again in this way. He is ill. He needs medical help. You are not a professional and your support clearly isn't helping, it's just bleeding both of you dry.

Lots of people with chronic depression manage it - it's a real struggle, but they do it through a blend of medication, therapies, supplements, exercise, self help books, journalling, meditation, affirmations etc as well as carefully managing work life so it's not too stressful. If he's not prepared to put this work in to get well, why should you?

This is no life for any of you. I know the misery of living with a partner with suicidal tendencies & mental health issues. I went through similar 3 years ago & my DH did end up taking his own life. There's nothing you can do to stop that happening if he so chooses. I would strongly advise you to give him an ultimatum & insist that he gets immediate help, diagnosis & a treatment plan. If you can get him into treatment & away from home you will have time to breathe & recover yourself while he gets the help he needs before there's a tragedy.

"If you were nice to me, or have more wax with me, I would not be depressed". (I know I'm paraphrasing OP, but I don't want to quote all your heart-breaking post).

This has to be the most revolting and manipulative thing I've read on here for a while.

He has no motivation, no momentum to want to seek help.

This is no way to live.
Your children, when older will hate him and resent you for allowing them to be exposed to the fear, obligation, guilt.

One of your children (even as we speak) is slowly being trained to be his carer when you are older.

What a legacy.

I'm so sorry for you OP, but DC come first every time and you need to act now with them in mind, because he certainly isn't.

OP, I have just lost my job as a result of depression and severe anxiety.

I reached rock bottom, got signed off work, and ultimately couldn't successfully re-engage with it.

My job at the moment, as me and DH see it, is getting me mentally and physically healthy.

I have been to the doctor, I have been put on med's, I am engaging with talking therapy and CBT, and implementing the techniques.

Being mentally ill does not give me a get out of jail free card to do as little as I want, only what I want, or to be abusive and coercive to my partner.

I was suicidal. All that kept me going at some points, was that I would not hurt my kids and husband the way I saw a friend's kids and husband hurt, when their mother committed suicide. That doesn't mean that I would use the threat of suicide as a way to maintain a status quo where my husband was doing absolutely everything and I was contributing bugger all that is positive to the relationship.

So let me see if I've got this. He has chronic recurring depression and he refuses to seek medical help? Instead you carry the entire load for him. Wow.

Sorry but you need to get tough. He needs medication now. Therapy will be next to useless until that side of things has settled. There's other things you can look at too for example getting a SAD lamp (plenty of evidence for them).

What he doesn't get to do is sit around and do nothing. Give him three weeks to go to a doctor and start taking medication. Get him to buy a sad lamp now and start using it snd if it doesn't work inside a week it's the doctors, and make him stick to it.

You may not realise it but you are enabling him. If you weren't around he would NOT kill himself. He would do something. Therapy isn't the answer though - not until he's had medical treatment. He may be bipolar too. He needs professsional help right now and you need to make that non negotiable. It's that simple.

Oh and in case no ones mentioned it. People who commit suicide rarely give warnings. They just plan it and do it. So he's talking utter shit.

2 options kick him out or live with it
if you kick him out you will be a single parent everything down to you

if he stays give it a time scale and just crack on as if you are a single parent .

He obviously need help and theres a fine line between caring and enabling .

If he intended to kill himself he wouldn’t be telling you.
It’s bullshit.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I'm sorry but you don't hold his life in your hands, he is responsible for his own life, for getting help, for taking medication, for getting better. He doesn't even try because you are doing everything. if anything you are making him worse. If he was alone he would have to make decisions and take action. If that action is suicide it is not down to you it is still his decision. I have complex PTSD with occasional psychosis, hallucinations and I'm on long term medication for depression which makes it better. I live alone with my cat, my DS is grown up and independent now, I have a full time responsible medical job in the NHS, a mortgage, a decent pension and a good social circle. Being on my own means I HAVE to make the effort because there is nobody here to pick up the slack. Do what you need to do - you are NOT responsible for him.

This ^ Very wise words indeed.

Is there another layer to this alcohol or weed? Thinking about the long periods of time he spends with his friends. If so this may also exacerbate or even be the cause of his depression.

Well I know you won’t separate for you OP, because you’ve got so used to sacrificing yourself, but for your children you must. He is sucking the life out of you.

I’d get an urgent appointment with your GP tomorrow and follow up with the crisis team - explain to them he cannot continue to stay in your home because it is too damaging to your children, and you need help from them/SS to house him while he accesses treatment and medication (or doesn’t, up to him.) There needs to be a deadline for this to happen - and you will need to lay it on thick, but being pregnant will help prioritise you so now is the time.

If he threatens to kill himself in the meantime call the police - every time.

I know he is ill, but he does not have the right to work you to death or ruin his children’s childhoods.

I stayed with my ex for a long time due to threats of suicide. I won't go into detail here because it doesn't really matter, I just mentioned it so that you know I've been where you are. It wasn't depression though, just threats that he'd kill himself if we split up!

However in your case if he won't get help I would seek some advice yourself from some mental health charities. I would be asking for some kind of intervention as I would tell them you're not sure how much longer you can stick out the relationship when he's like this, and he won't get help himself.

Some mental health charities are more sympathetic to the pressure and impact on the family members than others are. I feel like it's not something that's talked about much in society and there are so many people trapped and jailed in relationships like this because of the other persons threats!

You said he has good days, and if this man was thinking about his family the way he should be then he would be using those days when the fog has lifted a bit to try to get himself on track to try to avoid going to dark places again....but he's not........