If I kick him out he will kill himself

[BillywigStings]

Over the years I have been coming to the realisation that my husbands mental health means we won’t ever be a normal family and at the moment I’m struggling with what to do with that info.

Essentially everything relies on me. I cook, clean and work full time and look after the kids. I’m mentally exhausted and poor so I have purposefully ended my social life by letting friends drift away. Occasionally my husband gets a job, but it never lasts as his depressions sets in, and he ends up being fired for being late or not turning up (he forgets to go in).

Obviously as we have been together 13 years and have three kids (well I’m still pregnant with the third) together we have had good times and he still is often a wonderful person. However his depression is like a horrible disease which has taken over him and I’m just so damn tired of being a single parent with no one realising how much I have to do alone. I don’t want other peoples sympathy, I just feel so frustrated. It’s just me, and I’m working or looking after the kids, or cleaning ALL the damn time plus trying to be a therapist for my husband who seems to be on the edge of ending it all most times I talk to him about it. I just kind of silently enable him by not talking about it (at his request). In the past I confronted him and tried to force therapy etc and he reacted badly, having breakdowns and going through worse patches.

I’ve tried convincing him and even threatening him with splitting up if he won’t see someone about his problems but he insists he is on the edge of sorting himself out...he pretty much resists the idea of therapy and the last time I just said ‘well I can’t take this anymore we might as well split up’ he actually left. He turned around later and came back and said he would have killed himself. I know he really wanted to leave though. I also know he would have killed him self within 24 hours, he didn’t need to tell me that.

This isn’t bravado, or selfishness, he is just mentally sick. He said it matter of factly and I thank god he turned round because I know he wouldn’t have done it.

On good days he is wonderful with the kids, on bad days he is absent. He just leaves and walks until he is alone and just sits out in a field, a park, anywhere. Other times he goes to spend time with his friends and stays so late he falls asleep at their house and often doesn’t crawl home till 1-2am or later. He refuses to get an early night and falls asleep alone on the sofa with the dog.

If he’s feeling argumentative he will say the lack of kisses and cuddles and sex from me is one of the main reasons behind his depression and essentially tries to get me to provide all this (and I do try but I just don’t feel it, it feels fake) but after years of him being like this I just can’t seem to make myself show physical affection. I feel like he’s more like an extra child who I keep around to lift heavy things for me or do DIY work.

What I’m trying to say is he is only capable of drifting through life. He can’t take challenges or pressure. If I wasn’t providing a home base for his existence he would have killed him self long before.

What do I do? I know I could cope without him, probably would thrive as I wouldn’t constantly be hoping for help and support I don’t get, but I love him and want to help him. At the very least I can’t kick him out as he has nowhere to go. I would have to set him up with a flat and an income (benefits I guess) in secret (because if he knew about it he would just leave right away to save me the hassle and again after sleeping rough a few nights at most, he would end it.

I just don’t know what to do.

PPs have given you excellent advice.

Are you renting or do you own the house together? How old are your DC?

Have you gotten any help for yourself about him before?
The might be a good place to start.

I believe you can end this marriage if you want to. A counselor can help you do this.

His suicide threats have basically kept you a prisoner. There is nothing loving about that at all. Plus the damage it's doing to your and the DC.

Like PP have said, the next time he threatens suicide, call the police on him and they'll take him in.
Do it every single time. I suspect he'll only do once or twice before he stops with the threats.

Seek out the help you need.

He won’t.

He’s turned nasty on you. Could be depression, could be manipulation, or both. It doesn’t matter - his aren’t the only feelings in the game. Why could you think they are?

Get rid temporarily and do you all a favour. No treatment, no marriage.

Hi OP - he’s not “ depressed” when he’s meeting his friends!!!!
I understand your dilemma but you can’t fix him.
Ficus on you - maybe look up Coda - you may have traits of codependece. It’s not a criticism.
No one is depressed all the time - it does lift -
Are you sure he goes to a field when he goes out?
Are you sure he’s at his mates.
Is his depression convenient ie when you’ve asked him to do something or he hasn’t got his own way.
This is your life -

Has he actually been diagnosed? It doesn't sound like depression to me. It sounds like he's got mental health issues but he needs to get a diagnosis from a psychiatrist and he should be medicated. If the medication isn't working then it needs to be reviewed. You seem to be attributing all awful behaviour as his depression manifesting? It sounds to me like he's just an abusive arsehole. Stop making excuses for him. You have children witnessing this behaviour... What kind of affect do you think this will have on them? Why on earth would he change, he gets to be an abusive dick with no judgement. Just stop making excuses for him and get him to leave. Phone the police if he threatens suicide but don't let him back.

What a clever man! He's got you doing all of the housework, bringing in an income and raising his children. Made sure he's your sole focus by ensuring you're too tired and worried about him to see your friends. Gets sex by telling you it's the main reason for his depression (and be careful, if he gets too depressed, he'll kill himself, so sex!! quick!!). Maintains the status quo by rejecting therapy.

But OP, I'm sure he's not REALLY like that. It's just how it sounds on paper! I don't really know him! He's such a good father!

Same old, mate, sorry. Until you snap out of this you're your own worst enemy.

Going to a field or his mates? You sure about that?

I had severe depression years ago. My do at the time - well I was completely dependent on him. When he booked a holiday with friends without telling me , I ran through the streets crying like a madwoman. He didn’t tell me because he knew I’d talk him into not leaving me. We trundled on and then he decided to go travelling and I was going to join him later. Ripping the sticky plaster of his support off was the best thing for me. I had to stop hiding behind his support. I went back to my parents, got a job, I cried pretty much every day I was so terrified ! After two months I was a different person, when I met up with him on holiday I didn’t even feel the same about him and we split up when we returned. I hadn’t faced my demons hiding behind him. I still suffer depression ( don’t think it ever truly leaves you if you have it) but I face my fears head on, see the GP , I have counselling still. He’s dragging you down and himself, I think he can get better but needs to stand on his own two feet

Does he actually have a diagnosis of depression, or is this just something he says himself? Because nothing you've described about his behaviour sounds like depression. It does, however, sound like textbook emotional abuse - and of course, it is possible for someone to be both depressed AND abusive.

You do all the cooking, cleaning and childcare on top of working full time and this leaves you exhausted and poor because you are also supporting him emotionally and financially. Your husband refuses to work (I say refuses, not can't, because if he simply "forgets" to go in there are a dozen solutions to this, the most obvious of which would be to set an alarm so yeah, I'm calling him out on that one and saying he refuses). His depression manifests in other odd ways such as hanging out with his friends until the early hours

You stay because there are still some good times. OP, no abuser is abusive ALL the time because they know that if they were then you'd leave. They give you just enough to keep you hanging on in the hope that things will be better more of the time and to make YOU feel responsible for THEIR behaviour - and my goodness, hasn't your partner got this part of the abuser's handbook down to a fine art!

He blocks your attempts to discuss his "depression" by threatening suicide whenever you bringing it up (this is designed to stop you trying to get him to talk about it or do something about it, is it working?). When you have tried to get him more help he has thrown all of his toys out of the pram and "got worse" (will you be trying that again or has he succeeded in stopping your attempts to involve a professional who might call him out on his behaviour?). He won't even take simple steps towards self care like going to bed at a healthy time but has the motivation to attempt to coerce you into sex (which is a crime - he is sexually abusive as well as emotionally abusive, which is not surprising as abuse rarely happens in a vacuum and someone who is abusive in one way is likely to be abusive in other ways too).

When you have tried to break up with him he has a) refused to stay gone and b) threatened suicide if you dare to break up with him again (are you seeing the pattern here? He is using the "depression" and the suicide threats as a way to control you).

But to answer your initial paragraph, "Over the years I have been coming to the realisation that my husbands mental health means we won’t ever be a normal family and at the moment I’m struggling with what to do with that info." EVEN IF this is caused by poor mental health (which I don't believe for a second) the upshot is that HE IS ABUSIVE and you are right that you won't ever be a normal family. I'm sorry, I'm aware this must sound very harsh but to someone with a little distance from the situation it is awful to see how much he has manipulated you.

So you kick him out. He sinks or swims, not your problem. You've tried hard enough to get him help and are unwilling to be abused any more as a sacrifice on the altar of his depression. You DON'T allow your children to grow up in a home where they learn that this is what a normal relationship is (as you've identified yourself, it isn't a normal relationship but they won't realise that if it's all they've ever known). You risk him destroying himself (I bet he won't, but if he did it'd be the lesser of two evils) in order to prevent the destruction of your children and yourself.

I'd start by ringing Women's Aid. They're not only there for women who are being physically abused and I'm sure they will have heard a story like yours from thousands of women before you. Imagine, by the time your baby is born you and your children could be settled as a functional, happy family together. You'll have more energy and more money (because you won't be carrying him emotionally or financially).

I really hope you can get out and I'm confident you can - you've carried all of this for so long you must be very strong

Apologies for the essay

I never understand these. You get halfway through a post from a woman talking about how awful her life is with a man, and how she is fed up of having everything to do and she wants to leave... then she mentions that she is currently pregnant again.

Did this all happen after you fell pregnant with a third child?

My ex husband used to threaten suicide all the time, particularly last thing at night so I’d have to make a big show of getting up and hiding the car keys (he planned to crash his car).

I might sound cavalier about it now, but I was terrified at the time.

When I left him, I turned the phone off for 3 days. Listed to about a million messages then suddenly there was a message of crying and sobbing and “goodbye” and the engine revving.

The next message was he was “putting the house on the market”. I can’t remember what the other messages were!

He’s still alive, 16 years later...

To the op, I have a son that has substance abuse problems/mental health problems, he is always trying to kill himself. The best advice I have been given is to cut him off because the situation will never change unless my son changes. If he is going to commit suscide there is nothing in the world I can do to stop him. Your husband like my son will not accept help nor change. Please take your children and run for the hills because it will never change till he gets help.

How nice that he has the time and energy to socialize in the midst of his depression, when you had to give up your own social life in order to take care of everything. This is utter crap OP. If he is suicidal he needs immediate psychiatric care, you cannot save him. But I have a feeling he is just using that to scare you.

How are things now OP?

I have been in this exact situation. I would give you one piece of advice. Get yourself some therapy. You need to be stronger now than ever before. You are probably depressed yourself by now, I was. Therapy will give you the tools to make the best decisions. You are not responsible for his life.

My exh had depression.. Ime there is a fine line between depression and Twatism.. He was on sleeping pills - wouldn't take antidepressants though.. He would spend money we didn't have at the pub and take multiple pills to make me worry he wouldn't wake up of I complained.. No life at all. His Twatism took over and I threw him out. No regrets. His mh needs didn't outweigh mine....

Just because someone has a mental illness doesn't mean they aren't also abusive. He is abusive.

I've suffered from depression since around age 10 and had on and off episodes since then.

There would be no excuse for me to hold my family to ransom like he is.

If he's going to kill himself he'll find a reason

But if you don't watch out you'll be the one considering such an action yourself all because you want to prioritise someone who will not help them self.

What are your kids learning from this situation?

What happens when they are old enough for Dad to be able to say 'don't leave DC or I'll kill myself'.

Because that would fuck with a child's head immeasurably. It's also teach them you do whatever it takes to placate someone els, to your own detriment.

If his own kids can't motivate him enough to seek help what will?
What will have if you get Postnatal Depression?
What would happen if you had a severe injury?

I'm quite baffled you chose to have another baby with someone who is incapable of looking after themselves let alone you but the boat has sailed on that one.

What triggered his depression? Loads of people have depression and PTSD and they aren’t abusive or refuse to work. Your “D”H sounds manipulative and emotionally abusive. You don’t deserve this life. You give him an ultimatum: see a psychologist or you will divorce.

@BillywigStings please read the when you knew you knew your relationship was over thread. I think it will help

I could have written this in the past. Eventually I realised he was on the self destruct button and we were all going to be destroyed with him. Yes he slept in a field for a night. But amazingly six years later, he has managed to get a flat, get a job, get treatment. Yes he has lost a job too and is still angrily bleating about how I'm to blame for xyz. I bent over backwards to accommodate him in that relationship and suffered all the abuse you have. I now realise that some people will literally bleed you dry. No matter what you do it will never be enough. My income has suffered big time and he literally did bleed me dry financially. I say you tell him to ship out. Would you want your children replicating this life with their partners in twenty years time?

He's using his depression to control you and take no responsibility for his own life.

I have no time for people who don't try to seek help, especially when he still has the time and wherewithal to guilt and coerce you into sex.

What an arsehole.

Oh and I had a bf who threatened suicide, that he would harm himself, cry and shake etc...

17 years later he's just fine, professor at a university - still very, very much alive.