DP 1:1 time with female friend

[Summergirl76]

Hello, I have been with my fiancé 10 years (marrying the summer hopefully) and we live together about an hour away from our families. Over the years he has developed a couple of friendships with females that have made me concerned but things resolved and he’s never cheated (as far as I know) but I have felt anxious at times.

5 years ago he left his job based where our families lived so we moved to where we are now and he kept in touch with three colleagues and used to meet them each year for a Christmas dinner. In the last couple of years meet-ups became more frequent.

One girl in this group is single and has now recently been messaging my boyfriend to meet for walks just the two of them. He went last time we visited our family over Christmas with just her. She’s messaged again today saying let her know when he’s back so they can go for a walk again and soon groups will meet so the others can join. I can’t help feeling uneasy. Haven’t said anything to my boyfriend - I appreciate him showing me the message and then asking when we will next be going back and don’t want him to feel like he can’t share things. But I just feel uneasy by the 1:1.

He's been you're fiancé a long time! Has there been problems with commitment?
Quite honestly I wouldn't be with someone making the time for 1-1 with other women, especially as she seems more interested now she's single and wasn't before.

As far as I know she’s always been single, I don’t know if the my subconscious concerns are that she’s 38 and I know she’s super keen to have kids and won’t go down the sperm donor route.

We’ve been engaged 2 years, not really any issues with commitment as bought our house as soon as we could, just had a lot of financial set backs but now we are in a position to get married.

I wouldnt be comfortable with this. Have you expressed your discomfort and what has he said?

I see, I wondered if she was recently single being the reason for the recent messaging. Have you met her? Is he open to you going on the walks too?

No from what he said she hasn’t had anyone for many years. I’ve never met her nor has it been suggested. I think the recent messaging is they were going to meet as a group over Xmas but the covid restrictions changed so she just messaged him privately to meet and he agreed. Now she’s messaged privately to do it again. (They have a group WhatsApp).

I think you are maybe being over sensitive. It seems they've been friends for some time and they currently can't meet up as part of a larger group. I have a male friend who I met through work and we'd do this with no complexities!
Has anything else about their relationship caused you worry?

On thr friend issue, I wouldn't be bothered about. They're friends and have been a while. There's nothing much to do at the moment and going for a walk with someone is a reasonable way to socialise.

The fact you've been together a while and had a long engagement might be clouding how you view the friendship because if I were in your situation in could see how in your circumstances i might feel uncomfortable that he's dragging his heels a bit. Do you have children together and is this something either of you have wanted?

It's a bit much to be worrying about a friendship because you think a single female friend wants children though. That strays from understandable concern into unreasonable in my opinion.

I wouldn’t say he’s dragging his heels for the marriage he proposed 2 years ago and then it was me that picked the date based on our finances. He wouldn’t have had any issues booking a wedding 6 or 12 months after the proposal. We have everything booked and hope for it to go ahead covid permitting.

Thank you I do agree it’s tricky balance with female friends we have been together a long time and I don’t meet guys 1:1 I have always struggled to know what’s acceptable and what isn’t.

I sympathise with you and can see why you'd be uncomfortable with it because I would be, too. But then I feel like a hypocrite because in a previous job role, there was me, 4 other ladies and 1 man and we all got on fantastically. The man has moved abroad now but if he were to ever visit home, I would love to see him because he was a great friend and we all had such a laugh together. He, another of the ladies and I still have a Whatsapp group chat 5 years later and I really value their friendships. So I would go on a meet up with him and know 100% there's nothing in it, but I understand that my partner would feel the way you do.

I worked with a guy years ago, went to his wedding and we have stayed friends. I am single. Pre covid we would go for lunch / drinks a couple of times a year. We are in touch very regularly.

I can completely say this is purely platonic. I have checked with him several times that it is ok with his wife etc and she is fine with us being friends

Different if it's making you feel uneasy. Can you join them? Get to know her too?

It’s so hard as I don’t want to make an issue out of nothing. Another girl in the group I would have no issue if this was happening with her as she is married with children and he has a closer relationship with her - used to work closely at work and when he talked about her it was very clear to me they were just friends. Whereas this girl was in a different team, they weren’t close when he used to work at that company and it’s almost like he has got closer to her from their annual Christmas meals somehow and so I just find the private messaging odd.

Could you explain how it makes you feel like you have done there? Seems a perfectly reasonable conversation

It's a tricky one... if they have been friends for years it would make it easier. But as a general rule spending 1:1 time with someone of the opposite sex doesn't happen. But is it because she's attractive too you're worried as I assume if she looked like the back end of a bus you wouldn't care?...

I actually think it sounds innocent enough 🤷🏻‍♀️ especially as they only met 1:1 due to restrictions and she's texting about going back out as a group again.

I also think it's a bit unfair on his single friend that you have more of a problem with her than the married ones. Not every single woman jumps on married men.....

I do have a bit of an issue with this for personal reasons tho. I've always worked in a male dominated environment and most of my work friends are male.

When I started my last job I was married and over the years became good friends with a few different men through work. There were work trips away and regular nights out, mostly drinks after work sometimes with partners, sometimes without. I always got on with the wives and gf's and became friends with 1 or 2 of them and my husband (at the time!) got on well with the guys. However the friendships were mainly between the colleagues tho as we worked together day to day.

Fast forward a couple of years and I found out my husband was cheating right after I'd given birth to out daughter and we split up immediately. Right when I really needed the male friends the most, 4 out of 5 of them were 'banned' from socialising with me without their partners being there....the bland innocent texts caused a problem with their wives. Tbh I hadn't changed by behaviour one bit but now that I was single and dangerous (lol!) it was as if their wives instantly had a problem with our friendship - the exact same friendship we'd had for the last 5-10 years!!!

Sorry such a long reply and off on a bit of a tangent but you saying you have more concerns about the single one really triggered me as this exact attitude has resulted in me losing a lot of friendships following my divorce.

For the record, I'd never have slept with a married man at any point in my life but after my ex-h's affair and me seeing first hand how it tore the whole family apart it's the last thing in the world I'd do. But as my ex-h cheated on me, it somehow meant the wives expected their husbands to distance themselves from me as I was more of a threat??!

She isn’t a long-term friend like the other colleague, and they’ve become closer more recently. Summergirl, I too wouldn’t be comfortable with their carving out alone time. Do you know anything about their prior messaging/call history?

Also, can you elaborate about his previous friendships that concerned you? Did he overstep boundaries?

Would he be fine about you meeting up 1:1 with a single male friend?

He called her once during lockdown to catch up, he called the other girl prior to this. He told me about both calls. Otherwise he doesn’t message her she just occasionally messages him. I think I have to just keep my feelings to myself. He is currently completely open with me (showed me her message today etc) and I don’t want it taken underground. I just needed to let my feelings out somewhere haha. If he wants to see her privately in a “date scenario” like a dinner or drinks just her then I think I will speak up and say I would like to meet her.

Not every single woman jumps on married men.....
Yes, not all. But some do. And some are very calculating about it. Sadly, I’m witnessing this with a friend at the moment.

I’ve never really thought about this but I have a male friend I used to work with and we still meet up occasionally for a coffee or a walk. It would never have crossed my mind there was anything weird about it. We still have the same professional interests so we mostly talk shop - we’re like mentors for each other I suppose. My DP has met him and doesn’t give it a second thought. I suppose we’re not really mates (I don’t know where he lives and wouldn’t buy him a Christmas card or gift or anything like that), but we are more than just colleagues. Absolutely zero sexual attraction.

OP - you don’t need to be a “cool wife” by going along with something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Tell your DH how you feel. Is time with this women so important to him? As you’ve said, you are fine about him spending time with the other women.

Does he show you the messages because you've asked him to?

Hi Runkle, no I didn’t know she text him until he showed me

Idk, my partner of eight years has a good 10 close female friends which be often spends time with without me

Plenty women are happy to share their husbands with other women, but if it's not for you OP, then its not for you 🌺

“But as a general rule spending 1:1 time with someone of the opposite sex doesn't happen”

FFS seriously. What century are we in? The 1700s. What utter tosh.
I have numerous male friends, all purely platonic, some married, mostly partnered (if not married), and there is no difference between me meeting them for a walk / going for a drink (I bloody wish) etc... than meeting my female friends.
I just don’t get the suspicion here.