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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP 1:1 time with female friend

108 replies

Summergirl76 · 17/03/2021 21:52

Hello, I have been with my fiancé 10 years (marrying the summer hopefully) and we live together about an hour away from our families. Over the years he has developed a couple of friendships with females that have made me concerned but things resolved and he’s never cheated (as far as I know) but I have felt anxious at times.

5 years ago he left his job based where our families lived so we moved to where we are now and he kept in touch with three colleagues and used to meet them each year for a Christmas dinner. In the last couple of years meet-ups became more frequent.

One girl in this group is single and has now recently been messaging my boyfriend to meet for walks just the two of them. He went last time we visited our family over Christmas with just her. She’s messaged again today saying let her know when he’s back so they can go for a walk again and soon groups will meet so the others can join. I can’t help feeling uneasy. Haven’t said anything to my boyfriend - I appreciate him showing me the message and then asking when we will next be going back and don’t want him to feel like he can’t share things. But I just feel uneasy by the 1:1.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 18/03/2021 16:34

I personally think platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex are fine but I am sympathetic to the concern and I think it does inevitably drop off somewhat when you are in a long relationship, especially in the context of making new friends of a different sex. So I understand OP.

BUT.... work is often where people make friends. Those friendship groups can be long lasting, he's been entirely honest with you and she is specifically saying meet up with the group when they can. It sounds to me like she's newly single and a bit lonely. I'd be shocked if she isn't also suggesting similar walks and activities with a range of friends, not just your DH.

Veterinari · 18/03/2021 16:36

@GreyhoundG1rl

I know she’s super keen to have kids and won’t go down the sperm donor route. Who told you this?
I bet the OP never returns. Just created a scenario with enough info to rile people up and leave

Yes strange that the OP basically knows nothing about this woman except intimate details of her life. Very realistic.

Eckhart · 18/03/2021 16:44

don’t want him to feel like he can’t share things

But you feel like you can't share your concerns.

It’s so hard as I don’t want to make an issue out of nothing

Why do you class you feeling uncomfortable as 'nothing'?

I have always struggled to know what’s acceptable and what isn’t

There are no guidelines or rules about this. What is acceptable to you won't be acceptable to some other people, and vice versa. Some people wouldn't bat an eyelid if their partner did what you're doing. Some would leave the relationship. There's no 'struggle to know' what's acceptable, because they're your feelings, and you make your own rules about what's ok for you.

If you're uncomfortable, then his behaviour is crossing your boundaries. It's something of a concern that 'getting it right' is more of an issue for you than sharing with your insecurities with your future spouse.

What would he say if you talked to him about it? Even if you're miles off the mark, a loving partner would do everything they could to reassure you, so, what's your concern? Does he have form for telling you 'you're just being silly', or anything like that?

Original poster
Summergirl76 · 18/03/2021 16:45

@Veterinari it's hardly the most riveting scenario. I know that info because my DP told me how do you think! He tells me about conversations he has with friends, male and female, just as I do with him with my friends. He just simply said he finds it surprising she is so optimistic about having her baby with a partner, given her age, that she isn't with anyone, and hasn't been for so many years.
I know snippets of other information too about her such as about her family but it isn't relevant and would be outing. ]

Thanks for all the varied replies. I know it's not normal to ban partners from friends, hence why I've not done that, and haven't even voiced any concerns with him. I just came here to get a feeling of whether my inner anxieties are completely irrational.

I think the reality is true what people say about he can cheat whether or not I police him. I'm not going to say anything and if anything happens well that will be entirely on him. My priority is he is open and honest with me.

OP posts:
Dervel · 18/03/2021 16:48

I’m a guy with a lot of female friends, and I don’t necessarily see anything wrong with that. However I wouldn’t want to any partner of mine to feel in the slightest insecure or any kind of way about it, so I’d be keen to establish what if any sorts of boundaries need to be in place.

Original poster
Summergirl76 · 18/03/2021 16:49

@Dervel that's really nice, I would really appreciate that as your partner.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 18/03/2021 16:59

My priority is he is open and honest with me

You are not being open and honest with him. MN knows how you feel; your nearest and dearest doesn't. Take responsibility for your feelings. If you're unhappy, don't just pretend that that unhappiness doesn't exist and cross your fingers for the best. Whatever he does will always be entirely on him.

If you like what @Dervel said, then that's what you need your partner to say to you.

I think what you said was great, Dervel. That's how loving people should be - respectful of each other's insecurities.

Original poster
Summergirl76 · 18/03/2021 17:05

I'm not sure what boundaries could be put in place though. I just simply don't like the situation and deep down would prefer it if she didn't message him wanting to see him, because he doesn't message her that. I would prefer they just saw each other in the group situation. However, I don't think there's much my boyfriend can do, he can't stop her messaging and he doesn't see anything wrong to saying yes to a couple of hours walk. I just feel anxious she might like him more than a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Summergirl76 · 18/03/2021 17:07

She's messaged him about meeting up 1:1 before but it never happened (one time he messaged the group to see who was free and only she was but she was at a gig but wanted to come back and see him after the gig for drinks but he eventually declined as it was too late. Then she wanted to see him 1:1 when the group meet up last summer fell through but he ended up being busy. So I've just felt wary for a bit but Christmas was the first time they did meet 1:1 then I just felt uneasy now it seems to have set a precedent as she has asked to meet him 1:1 again, though she also mentioned a group meet up too.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 18/03/2021 17:13

It doesn't have to be something that changes on a practical level. It's not what's happening that's causing you a problem, it's your emotional response.

He can understand you and reassure you and listen to you and comfort you and potentially you will feel better that way. This isn't about a girl messaging him. It's about your feelings, your insecurity, your need to feel trust, and the little edge of doubt creeping in. It happens, but as a couple, you need to be able to deal with it well, rather than one of you hiding their feelings and the other one carrying on oblivious, until one day you explode or crumble.

It's less important that he changes in his behaviour with this woman, (or she changes her behaviour) and more important to deal with emotional niggles in a healthy way in your relationship. If you talk to him, and he deals with you in the way you feel right, your bond will be stronger. It's how to maintain and develop emotional steel as a couple. Be fully yourself with your partner, all your insecurities and warts and all.

If he deals with your insecurity in a way that makes things worse... well, then you have other things to consider, but, better to do that now than store it up for later.

Dervel · 18/03/2021 17:18

I mean another point worth raising is a closest of the close female friend is going to be stoked I’m with someone who makes me happy. Therefore I wouldn’t see anything remotely wrong in socialising with them with a partner. It’s standard practice for all the people I’m especially close to be introduced. If a female friend was super keen to ONLY socialise with me 1:1, I’d probably feel uncomfortable with that.

Dervel · 18/03/2021 17:19

I mean I’ll always make the effort to get to know and be friendly with their boyfriends.

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/03/2021 17:20

@Summergirl76

She's messaged him about meeting up 1:1 before but it never happened (one time he messaged the group to see who was free and only she was but she was at a gig but wanted to come back and see him after the gig for drinks but he eventually declined as it was too late. Then she wanted to see him 1:1 when the group meet up last summer fell through but he ended up being busy. So I've just felt wary for a bit but Christmas was the first time they did meet 1:1 then I just felt uneasy now it seems to have set a precedent as she has asked to meet him 1:1 again, though she also mentioned a group meet up too.
Is she actually explicitly saying she wants it to be the two of them only?
GreyhoundG1rl · 18/03/2021 17:21

@Dervel

I mean I’ll always make the effort to get to know and be friendly with their boyfriends.
That's the thing, it appears that op's dh is doing the exact opposite of this.
grassisjeweled · 18/03/2021 17:23

Have you ever seen a picture of these women? Why haven't you met them?

grassisjeweled · 18/03/2021 17:24

However, I don't think there's much my boyfriend can do, he can't stop her messaging and he doesn't see anything wrong

^

Yes, the poor sausage. He couldn't simply, err, block her?

Dervel · 18/03/2021 17:25

“Have you ever seen a picture of these women? Why haven't you met them?”

Sorry I’m confused they are my friends so I’ve spent actual time with them. I am a man btw, in case that’s the cause of the confusion.

Original poster
Summergirl76 · 18/03/2021 17:25

She's not explicitly saying it can only be us two, but she is asking to meet in a private text. Group meets are arranged in their group whatsapp.

OP posts:
Dervel · 18/03/2021 17:28

Ok well a fair boundary would be to say you are uncomfortable with the private messages and meets until you have established a rapport with the woman in question.

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/03/2021 17:29

@Dervel

“Have you ever seen a picture of these women? Why haven't you met them?”

Sorry I’m confused they are my friends so I’ve spent actual time with them. I am a man btw, in case that’s the cause of the confusion.

I imagine that was aimed at the op?
grassisjeweled · 18/03/2021 17:29

Yes, op.

Dervel · 18/03/2021 17:30

Thanks for clearing that up.

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/03/2021 17:49

The private message thing when there’s a group WhatsApp is not on, though.

Have you ever asked to meet any of these women?

Phoenixdays · 18/03/2021 18:27

@GreyhoundG1rl

The private message thing when there’s a group WhatsApp is not on, though. Have you ever asked to meet any of these women?
Yeah I find this a bit odd too. Again branching off from the group to set up 1:1 time.
Lovelydiscusfish · 18/03/2021 19:08

@Eckhart

It doesn't have to be something that changes on a practical level. It's not what's happening that's causing you a problem, it's your emotional response.

He can understand you and reassure you and listen to you and comfort you and potentially you will feel better that way. This isn't about a girl messaging him. It's about your feelings, your insecurity, your need to feel trust, and the little edge of doubt creeping in. It happens, but as a couple, you need to be able to deal with it well, rather than one of you hiding their feelings and the other one carrying on oblivious, until one day you explode or crumble.

It's less important that he changes in his behaviour with this woman, (or she changes her behaviour) and more important to deal with emotional niggles in a healthy way in your relationship. If you talk to him, and he deals with you in the way you feel right, your bond will be stronger. It's how to maintain and develop emotional steel as a couple. Be fully yourself with your partner, all your insecurities and warts and all.

If he deals with your insecurity in a way that makes things worse... well, then you have other things to consider, but, better to do that now than store it up for later.

This is a lovely, wise and extremely helpful post. Brilliant advice. Xxx