DP 1:1 time with female friend

[Summergirl76]

Hello, I have been with my fiancé 10 years (marrying the summer hopefully) and we live together about an hour away from our families. Over the years he has developed a couple of friendships with females that have made me concerned but things resolved and he’s never cheated (as far as I know) but I have felt anxious at times.

5 years ago he left his job based where our families lived so we moved to where we are now and he kept in touch with three colleagues and used to meet them each year for a Christmas dinner. In the last couple of years meet-ups became more frequent.

One girl in this group is single and has now recently been messaging my boyfriend to meet for walks just the two of them. He went last time we visited our family over Christmas with just her. She’s messaged again today saying let her know when he’s back so they can go for a walk again and soon groups will meet so the others can join. I can’t help feeling uneasy. Haven’t said anything to my boyfriend - I appreciate him showing me the message and then asking when we will next be going back and don’t want him to feel like he can’t share things. But I just feel uneasy by the 1:1.

@Isitreally7777

Some of the comments here make me sad, why do so many women distrust single women.

There's a lot of internalised misogyny on this thread

What else do you suggest they do in the middle of pandemic lockdown? Go to the pub as a group, arrange a friends and family picnic?

So weird how many posters are casting aspersions on it being a 1:1 walk and how that is somehow meaningful. We're in the middle of a pandemic with strict social restrictions. A 1:1 walk is literally the only way of seeing anyone.

I agree.
It's also quite sad to see that so many women view single women as desperate lonely women itching to get their claws into all the Adonis-like married men.
I'm sure they all trust their husbands though. These sorts of responses always seem to rest on the assumption that the husbands are amazing and totally trustworthy but a random women could forcefully steal him against his will.

I think we're all guilty of using our previous life experience as the (sub-conscious?) basis for our interpretation of the OP's problem. What's good about that is that the OP can get a more balanced picture.
There will be some posters here who have been cheated on, perhaps the details of the OP's posting might trigger unhappy memories. Then there will be some posters who are happily single, who struggle to see what the problem is with friendships between single women and married men.
I think context is everything for the OP in this case. OP's DP sounds like he is being completely open about the factual situation. OP just needs to be more open with him about her emotional response to the situation.
Also, hate to say it, but some men are absolutely clueless; he might be totally unaware that a 1:1 walk with another woman might make his partner anxious.

@EpochTime

I think we're all guilty of using our previous life experience as the (sub-conscious?) basis for our interpretation of the OP's problem. What's good about that is that the OP can get a more balanced picture. There will be some posters here who have been cheated on, perhaps the details of the OP's posting might trigger unhappy memories. Then there will be some posters who are happily single, who struggle to see what the problem is with friendships between single women and married men. I think context is everything for the OP in this case. OP's DP sounds like he is being completely open about the factual situation. OP just needs to be more open with him about her emotional response to the situation. Also, hate to say it, but some men are absolutely clueless; he might be totally unaware that a 1:1 walk with another woman might make his partner anxious.

This is the bit that baffles me.

My ex-h had a full blown affair not long after my DD was born but personally I don't see why OPs DHs behaviour as suspicious. In fact, I think it's completely normal but there is obviously a lack of trust somewhere along the lines. Instead of directing this to her husband, it's the single female she doesn't trust....almost as if she's going to manage to steal her DH against his will.

As someone who's ex-h has cheated, I don't understand the view that it is a wives job to protect their DH from all these husband stealing single women who are throwing themselves at them.

This should be nothing to do with the female or her relationship status. It's down to whether she trusts her DH or not. If I was in a position where I felt the need to stop my DH from going on a socially distanced walk with a female colleague to prevent cheating, I'd rather not be with the DH. Many women seem to think if they control their husbands actions and almost treat them like prisoners & give them ultimatums of what they can and can't do. That's not healthy at all!

It's almost an attitude of 'if I keep him locked up and away from single females he'll stay with me'. Rather than letting your partner have their own lives and being with you cos they choose to and want to.

If my DH wanted to run off with someone else (which ironically he did!!) then good riddance. I'd rather that than years of me locking him up to keep him with me 🤷🏻‍♀️

As a happily single woman I have absolutely no interest in other woman's husband and I'm actually quite offended by how single women are being portrayed here. Yes, I'd ideally like to meet someone but I'm not desperate and it would NEVER EVER be a married man....

Nobody should deny their OH friendships with other people, but I think the crux of the matter is that not everyone is aware that friendships can develop into love, if you don't pay attention. I think it's called 'guarding your heart'. The idea is that of course we can all have relationships with all sorts of people, but that we need to have that continual awareness of when those boundaries might be slipping.
The more time spent with that particular friend, maybe the one who 'gets you' more than anyone else, who is funny, carefree, independent; always there to listen to your little marital grumbles; who seemingly supports you whenever you're together; doesn't have conversations which revolve around kids, mortgage, bins; wants to go for a (quality time) 1:1 walk; and so on and so on... that's time which can loosen the bonds of the primary relationship. But only if you let it happen.

@Katiekins1234

I haven't read through all the comments just the original post but I just have to say that I had that same, uneasy gut feeling once about my man spending 1.1 time with a friend and I turned out to be right to have that feeling. He never physically cheated but he sent text messages to her which were very hurtful. He has since cut her off and focused on me instead and our relationship has improved. I always trusted him but suspected the other woman was up to something so it was a huge shock to know he had been messaging her back but ultimately he never did anything truly unforgivable for me. If you have a bad gut feeling you are probably right and I will never ignore my gut again!

So your partner send explicit messages to this woman but she’s the one you’re blaming? You’re focusing on the wrong person there.

@EpochTime

Nobody should deny their OH friendships with other people, but I think the crux of the matter is that not everyone is aware that friendships can develop into love, if you don't pay attention. I think it's called 'guarding your heart'. The idea is that of course we can all have relationships with all sorts of people, but that we need to have that continual awareness of when those boundaries might be slipping. The more time spent with that particular friend, maybe the one who 'gets you' more than anyone else, who is funny, carefree, independent; always there to listen to your little marital grumbles; who seemingly supports you whenever you're together; doesn't have conversations which revolve around kids, mortgage, bins; wants to go for a (quality time) 1:1 walk; and so on and so on... that's time which can loosen the bonds of the primary relationship. But only if you let it happen.

You can love friends as well as partners, there are different types of love. So do you think all friendships should just be surface level small talk and the deep chats reserved exclusively for your partner? What a joyless life!

@TedMullins either wilful misinterpretation of my post .. or ignorance?
Straw man thrown in for good measure.
Oh dear.

[quote EpochTime]@Summergirl76 - I'm trying to think how I would react if an ex colleague asked my DH to go for a walk, just the two of them. In my case, there is a lady who I've never met who occasionally messages DH for a catch-up. I think if she ever suggested a 1:1 walk to DH, I'd be wondering what on earth she's up to, actually.
I'm probably guilty of projecting my own boundaries onto your situation, but I struggle to envisage any situation where I'd suggest a 1:1 walk with a married man without inviting the other halves along first at the very least.
Walking 1:1 provides a perfect opportunity to really get to know another person. You can find yourself talking about all sorts of things. In some ways, I think it can be more intimate than having a chat across a table in a coffee-shop for instance.
I think you're justified in feeling anxious. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd say that I'd like to go on the walk, too, as it would be nice to meet her.[/quote]
If the colleague is my friend why on earth would I invite his wife out on a walk too. And bring my partner / husband.
Just so me and my colleague have chaperones.
That’s just insane.
As someone upthread said, just because me and colleague have a vagina and a penis does not automatically mean we want to shag. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

If I’ve misinterpreted what you’ve said then it’s a genuine misinterpretation because I took from it the inference that you don’t think friendships should have the same depth as romantic relationships. I don’t think there’s anything dangerous about having friends outside a relationship who give you a bit of escapism from conversations about kids, bins and mortgages.

@EpochTime

Nobody should deny their OH friendships with other people, but I think the crux of the matter is that not everyone is aware that friendships can develop into love, if you don't pay attention. I think it's called 'guarding your heart'. The idea is that of course we can all have relationships with all sorts of people, but that we need to have that continual awareness of when those boundaries might be slipping. The more time spent with that particular friend, maybe the one who 'gets you' more than anyone else, who is funny, carefree, independent; always there to listen to your little marital grumbles; who seemingly supports you whenever you're together; doesn't have conversations which revolve around kids, mortgage, bins; wants to go for a (quality time) 1:1 walk; and so on and so on... that's time which can loosen the bonds of the primary relationship. But only if you let it happen.

I actually completely agree with everything you're saying and I'd be wary of that scenario.

But the scenario has raised is that her DH goes on group Christmas nights out that this single female also attends; they've seen each other once in a 1:1 situation in 12 months and that was due to covid restrictions; this friend is now looking to arrange the next catch up as a group get together. OP has seen the texts between them and it's all platonic and not even very frequent.

Therefore, I can appreciate concerns in the situation you've outlined but I wouldn't put OPs scenario in this category. Are you proposing she denies DH friendships with females on the off chance it could maybe potentially, possibly, perhaps develop into this in the future. Surely the person who is responsible for ensuring it doesn't escalate to this is DH, rather than OP controlling every move.

also, the scenario you've outline @EpochTime can happen between 2 married people (as I know too well). It's not always a single woman stealing a defenceless married man

Would he be fine with you having male friends and meeting them 1:1 too? I completely believe that men and women can make great platonic friends. But so often you find that one partner who has friends of the opposite sex are funny about their partner doing the same thing.
If he's fine with you having male friends and meeting them then great. If not then why not?

As a single woman this thread makes me so sad. I'm not a threat to your marriages! I think most of those affairs happen from women who are in love starved marriages not single women.

During lockdown I've had no choice but to meet people outside for walks one on one. If one of my male friends suggested their girlfriend was unhappy with that I'd be mortified and upset. Especially with the subtext that I'm late 30s and probably want a man to procreate with jesus christ.

He's open and they've only met 1-2 -1 because of restrictions and when allowed will go back to group meetings? I can't see anything untoward. What is strange is that you haven't met her. Don't you ever get included in their group meetings?

But if you both socialise separately then it's fine

The only bit that would make me worried is the fact that they were not close collegues when they worked at the previous place. But have become closer during the christmas meetups.
So the friendship which has developed is a relatively new one, not someone your dp has known and worked with for years
Of course its ok to have friends of the opposite sex, but the fact that this is not an old friend would concern me I think.
As they no longer work together and are not old friends I would be feeling uneasy as to why they want to spend 1-1 time together more and more.

Would you have had an issue if they had always been friends? Is it just the fact they’ve kind of split of from a group and paired up? I kind of understand that aspect seeming a bit uncomfortable.
I don’t think it’s fair to be suspicious of late thirties women though. I was single for ages in my thirties and wouldn’t dream of stealing another woman’s partner! I know married women which do, so it depends on the individual rather than the status.
I’ve been mixed with my dh, he’s got lots of female friends. One is married and always cheats (As does her dh) but I don’t mind them being friends as I’ve met her and we get on. I wasn’t happy with one of his female friends as got that funny vibe when they were together and trusted my gut, so he doesn’t meet her anymore.
I think it’s important to be honest with how you feel and leave it up to him to decide. Everyone wants to be the cool girl but if it’s causing you to be anxious then it’s better to be open.

I know she’s super keen to have kids and won’t go down the sperm donor route.
Who told you this?

@TedMullins nope I blamed both of them and my relationship ended for several months. Think I was triggered by this post because someone was loyal to me for years before meeting up with a female friend just the two of them and then went on to send innapropriate messages and I honestly don't think the messages would have happened if it wasn't for the meet up. They basically went on a date and I just sat back and let it happen. I am trying to prevent the original poster from suffering the same pain, and telling her to trust her gut because I wish I had trusted mine and put my foot down, but I didn't because I didn't want to be controlling..... I'm aware I am massively projecting here. "The grass is greener where you water it" is a phrase that has helped my relationship since and 1.1 time is a grass watering activity with another person...... op, sorry for projecting. My advice would be to talk to your fiance about feeling uncomfortable and not just mumsnet x

It really is up to the man here. If he isn't opening the door, then there is nothing to worry about.

I find women are very capable of having platonic relationships with men.

Men, not so much and there are plenty of studies on this that state men don't have friendships with women they aren't attracted to.

*The only bit that would make me worried is the fact that they were not close collegues when they worked at the previous place. But have become closer during the christmas meetups.
So the friendship which has developed is a relatively new one, not someone your dp has known and worked with for years *

I agree with this too. Almost as if they 'clicked' over something. Op you should be able to speak to your dp about how you feel regardless of it being rational or not. You are going to marry him so you need to be able to communicate whatever you feel. Don't play the cool wife.

Nip it in the bud now, suggest you walk with then, see his reaction
Also, showing one message means nothing, unless you've seen the whole message thread, hiding in plain sight " look at me being all honest showing you one message" I've seen it done

He us being open so it looks above board
But I would insist on going along next time for sure I want to be my husband confidant not an old colleague
Does he need female attention ? It is unusual for a man to seek out so many female friends

Does he need female attention ? It is unusual for a man to seek out so many female friends
Yes, it does sound like he's actively seeking them out. I'd definitely be wondering why.

I don’t think this sounds worrying. I’ve got three closeish straight male friends, two of whom are married (I’m in a relationship, but was single prior to that). I have met them alone while both married and single, and I don’t think their wives minded. If a partner stopped me seeing my friends of either gender, I would be a bit pissed off.

I think the crux of the matter is, if he wants to be with someone else (I don’t think there is any evidence here that he does, but if he did) then would you really want him to be with you anyway? So there is no point trying to prevent him meeting up with other women. A) it wouldn’t work anyway - if people are minded to have an affair they find a way, in my experience, and b) just on the off-chance it did work, you wouldn’t really be winning much of a prize......

Does he need female attention ? It is unusual for a man to seek out so many female friends

Gosh, I don't think it's in the least unusual. DH probably has as many female friends as male, and the vast majority of the student friends he still sees (we're late 40s) are women -- and my close male friends also have significant other female friendships.

A friend of mine whose husband socialises almost entirely with women claims that not liking football is key. Though my DH loves football, and some of his female friends are equally passionate and/or sportswriters (he works in sport), so not always.

I can also think of a friend's hipster 20 year old, whose friendship group has always been mostly female.

I certainly don't see it as anything pathological that needs explanation, any more than my close male friendships need explaining because me father didn't pay me enough attention as a child or something.