DP 1:1 time with female friend

[Summergirl76]

Hello, I have been with my fiancé 10 years (marrying the summer hopefully) and we live together about an hour away from our families. Over the years he has developed a couple of friendships with females that have made me concerned but things resolved and he’s never cheated (as far as I know) but I have felt anxious at times.

5 years ago he left his job based where our families lived so we moved to where we are now and he kept in touch with three colleagues and used to meet them each year for a Christmas dinner. In the last couple of years meet-ups became more frequent.

One girl in this group is single and has now recently been messaging my boyfriend to meet for walks just the two of them. He went last time we visited our family over Christmas with just her. She’s messaged again today saying let her know when he’s back so they can go for a walk again and soon groups will meet so the others can join. I can’t help feeling uneasy. Haven’t said anything to my boyfriend - I appreciate him showing me the message and then asking when we will next be going back and don’t want him to feel like he can’t share things. But I just feel uneasy by the 1:1.

What jumps out to me is that you're fine for him to have this level of interaction with his married friend.

But this person being single makes you uncomfortable.

In reality it means absolutely nothing if someone is married or not - The married friend is no more/less likely to be acting inappropriately than a single person would.

Also with Covid perhaps asking to go for a walk is the only thing on offer? Usually would they meet at the pub or something? So this request could be due to circumstance.

If you allow him to go for a walk with one, it seems weird to not allow it for the other.

Either you trust him or you don't. It sounds like he has been open & upfront about communication, so not really seeing the issue here - justa fear of us evil single people

My husband has always had female friends. He is a lovely guy. It makes sense!
My feeling is, if someone is going to cheat on you, they will. You stopping them having friends won’t help and will breed resentment. People are allowed to have friends. It’s very hard to let go like this, but it’s all up to him to do the right thing, you can’t control it.

Here we go again. Straight culture is exhausting. I’m trying to imagine banning my girlfriend (I don’t have one at the moment but I’m bi) from seeing female friends over dinner or drinks if they recently became single and.... nope. The idea is ludicrous. Dinner and drinks is just a normal thing to do with friends isn’t it? It’s what I used to do pre covid with my friends, some male, some female, some single, some in relationships, some in groups, some one to one. He has a friend. She happens to have a vagina. That doesn’t mean she wants his penis in it. Do you think about sleeping with every man you know?

I’m single and live alone. Lockdown has been hard. One thing I’ve enjoyed is occasionally taking the dog for a walk with a colleague who lives nearby. We get on great and it’s good social interaction. It’s never crossed my mind that anyone would find this inappropriate! I know and get on well with his wife, and if it were possible under COVID rules for three people to walk together I’m sure she’d be joining us, but it isn’t, so largely as a favour to me and so I get to see and talk to somebody I know just occasionally, he and I go alone. In broad daylight, in well-walked paths. I assure you we couldn’t get up to anything even if we wanted to (which we certainly don’t!). Oh dear. Don’t single people have enough to contend with without this horrible suspicion that we’re all desperate harridans about to leap on any vaguely fertile man? As a pp said, if he wants to cheat he will, it’ll as likely be with a partnered woman as single, and either you trust him or you don’t.

@WisnaeMe

Plenty women are happy to share their husbands with other women, but if it's not for you OP, then its not for you 🌺

What an odd statement. He’s not the OP’s to ‘share’, like a cake.

OP, I think you’re massively overreacting to occasional get togethers with former colleagues when your fiancé is back where you used to live. And your view of single childfree women in their 30s as liable to be predatory spermstealers is pretty unpleasant.

Jesus, some of the replies on here.

Is it any wonder that so many single women feel uncomfortable around couples when the inference seems to be that single women are just predators looking to pounce on other women’s husbands.

I’m interested, if the partner is bisexual what happens then? Are they not allowed to have friends at all since they could fancy any of them be they male or female?

And I don’t agree with “if it makes you uncomfortable” because that is relative. Some might be uncomfortable because there is something going on, others might because they’re controlling arses who believe that their husbands are their property to dictate to as they see fit.

I have numerous male friends, some of whom I’ve had since school. There’s no difference between a longer term and a short term friend - unless people think that once you “belong” to someone else you’re not allowed to have friends of the opposite sex.

If my partner started to dictate to me whether or not I could remain friends with people I would get rid of the partner.

OP, no husband can be stolen. Men have free will. If he shags this woman then he was going to anyway.

Same applies to women. We don’t talk about men who are out to steal someone’s wife do we? We don’t see men in the same light it would seem...

@Summergirl76

No from what he said she hasn’t had anyone for many years. I’ve never met her nor has it been suggested. I think the recent messaging is they were going to meet as a group over Xmas but the covid restrictions changed so she just messaged him privately to meet and he agreed. Now she’s messaged privately to do it again. (They have a group WhatsApp).

Op have you posted about this before ?

One of my best mates is male. We meet up 1:1 every few weeks at the pub. I've invited him as my +1 to parties when my fiancé didn't want to come.

If my fiancé suddenly had a problem with it because he's single I'd tell him where to go. Similarly, I was single when he was in a v serious relationship. Thankfully no ugly jealousy from the wife. Eventually we all met up for dinner.

People who are going to cheat will do it whether you're paranoid or not. Best to calm down.

@IsIgnoranceBliss

Not every single woman jumps on married men..... Yes, not all. But some do. And some are very calculating about it. Sadly, I’m witnessing this with a friend at the moment.

And some married women have affairs with married men 🤷🏻‍♀️ Why is the fact that someone is single doesn't suddenly lower their morales!

Tbh when I was married a couple of married 'acquaintances' (not my male friends) suggested that they would only have affairs with married women as the fact it was mutual meant it was less likely to get messy!!

Going back to the OP they've been on group nights out, been for a walk 1:1 due to restrictions and the friend is suggesting other group get togethers when they can. I can't see anything remotely alarming in any of this and it's definitely not a case of "sharing your husband". Even that phrase is so wrong on so many levels - she does not own him and he should be able to choose in own friends.

OP you either trust your husband or you don't. If he's the type to cheat he'll cheat, although I've seen nothing in the post to suggest he would. Having an issue with your DH meeting a female friend once in 12 months for a walk suggests trust/insecurity issues on your part

How would your fiancé feel if you went on 1:1 walks with a newly single male friend - who was the messaging you privately? I’d have this discussion with him - so he can see where you are coming from. If you don’t feel comfortable, you have every right to discuss how you feel. Some posters here may/may not feel comfortable - but the most important thing here is how YOU feel. Personally, I’d raise an eyebrow if DP did this, and vice versa.

@Summergirl76

So they've met up once at Xmas and now 3 months later she's suggesting it again, hopefully with others as a group when the restrictions lift? And she's been single for a long time?

Well hats off to her - I imagine she's playing the long game OP, she's wangled her way into your DP's life via work, remaining single and never making a move for years, biding her time and now this recent behaviour of one walk and a couple of messages shows a clear escalation in her predatory behaviour. I suspect the suggestion of waiting til restrictions are over and meeting as a group is just a sly way of hiding her true motives. She's clearly after your fiancée, and has him pegged as her future baby-daddy, it would be crazy to think anything else. After all a single woman in her thirties really cannot have any other motives for trying to stay in touch with a group of friends during an isolating lockdown.

Yeah definitely knock this on the head, after all your honest and transparent fiancée cannot be trusted or expected to resist her charms. She's clearly determined to seduce him and he'll be powerless. Maybe you should think about restricting his friendships full stop? Keep him in the house? Take away his phone? Then there's no risk of him running into single female predators.

After all you don't want to be a 'cool wife'

@Veterinari hahaha 😂 100%

Jeez I met male friend for a walk a couple of weeks ago. He is happily married, I'm happily single but I don't fancy him and can control myself when I'm around men. In fact the topic of conversation that night was the guy I had met earlier that day.

Why don’t you offer to go with him on the walk. Maybe say that you love to meet his friends as well.

Must admit, for a casual friendship, it does seem slightly odd that she is messaging him for a walk by herself, especially knowing he is in a long term committed relationship. Odd from her side, not his.

Assuming she’s in England, she can’t go with them as COVID rules limit interaction to two people

Also, I message married friends of both sexes all the time. Guess I must be “odd”

Sounds like they are only spending time in a pair because that is all that is currently allowed and will be back to being in a group soon. One on one is the only way to see friends at the moment. Sounds completely normal.

I haven't read through all the comments just the original post but I just have to say that I had that same, uneasy gut feeling once about my man spending 1.1 time with a friend and I turned out to be right to have that feeling. He never physically cheated but he sent text messages to her which were very hurtful. He has since cut her off and focused on me instead and our relationship has improved. I always trusted him but suspected the other woman was up to something so it was a huge shock to know he had been messaging her back but ultimately he never did anything truly unforgivable for me. If you have a bad gut feeling you are probably right and I will never ignore my gut again!

More practically OP why don't you have a front garden chat with her when she comes to get him. You may well feel less uncertain (one way or another!) when you've seen more of her and have a feel for what she's like as a person.

I went for a walk with an ex-colleague yesterday and I do hope his wife isn't worrying about anything untoward!!!

Some of the comments here make me sad, why do so many women distrust single women.

@Veterinari

So they've met up once at Xmas and now 3 months later she's suggesting it again, hopefully with others as a group when the restrictions lift? And she's been single for a long time?

Well hats off to her - I imagine she's playing the long game OP, she's wangled her way into your DP's life via work, remaining single and never making a move for years, biding her time and now this recent behaviour of one walk and a couple of messages shows a clear escalation in her predatory behaviour. I suspect the suggestion of waiting til restrictions are over and meeting as a group is just a sly way of hiding her true motives. She's clearly after your fiancée, and has him pegged as her future baby-daddy, it would be crazy to think anything else. After all a single woman in her thirties really cannot have any other motives for trying to stay in touch with a group of friends during an isolating lockdown.

Yeah definitely knock this on the head, after all your honest and transparent fiancée cannot be trusted or expected to resist her charms. She's clearly determined to seduce him and he'll be powerless. Maybe you should think about restricting his friendships full stop? Keep him in the house? Take away his phone? Then there's no risk of him running into single female predators.

After all you don't want to be a 'cool wife'

Unnecessary and unhelpful

@Summergirl76 - I'm trying to think how I would react if an ex colleague asked my DH to go for a walk, just the two of them. In my case, there is a lady who I've never met who occasionally messages DH for a catch-up. I think if she ever suggested a 1:1 walk to DH, I'd be wondering what on earth she's up to, actually.
I'm probably guilty of projecting my own boundaries onto your situation, but I struggle to envisage any situation where I'd suggest a 1:1 walk with a married man without inviting the other halves along first at the very least.
Walking 1:1 provides a perfect opportunity to really get to know another person. You can find yourself talking about all sorts of things. In some ways, I think it can be more intimate than having a chat across a table in a coffee-shop for instance.
I think you're justified in feeling anxious. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd say that I'd like to go on the walk, too, as it would be nice to meet her.

[quote EpochTime]@Summergirl76 - I'm trying to think how I would react if an ex colleague asked my DH to go for a walk, just the two of them. In my case, there is a lady who I've never met who occasionally messages DH for a catch-up. I think if she ever suggested a 1:1 walk to DH, I'd be wondering what on earth she's up to, actually.
I'm probably guilty of projecting my own boundaries onto your situation, but I struggle to envisage any situation where I'd suggest a 1:1 walk with a married man without inviting the other halves along first at the very least.
Walking 1:1 provides a perfect opportunity to really get to know another person. You can find yourself talking about all sorts of things. In some ways, I think it can be more intimate than having a chat across a table in a coffee-shop for instance.
I think you're justified in feeling anxious. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd say that I'd like to go on the walk, too, as it would be nice to meet her.[/quote]
What else do you suggest they do in the middle of pandemic lockdown? Go to the pub as a group, arrange a friends and family picnic?

So weird how many posters are casting aspersions on it being a 1:1 walk and how that is somehow meaningful. We're in the middle of a pandemic with strict social restrictions. A 1:1 walk is literally the only way of seeing anyone.

How on earth is it odd or suspicious?

Or is it just that as a single female she must stay at home socially isolated or only speaking to same-sex friends (what about lesbians are they off limits too?) in case she accidentally steals someone's husband?

@Henio
In your opinion.

I prefer not to subscribe to the 'single women are man stealers' and '1:1 walks in a pandemic with severe social restrictions are so suspicious' points of view.