DP 1:1 time with female friend

[Summergirl76]

Hello, I have been with my fiancé 10 years (marrying the summer hopefully) and we live together about an hour away from our families. Over the years he has developed a couple of friendships with females that have made me concerned but things resolved and he’s never cheated (as far as I know) but I have felt anxious at times.

5 years ago he left his job based where our families lived so we moved to where we are now and he kept in touch with three colleagues and used to meet them each year for a Christmas dinner. In the last couple of years meet-ups became more frequent.

One girl in this group is single and has now recently been messaging my boyfriend to meet for walks just the two of them. He went last time we visited our family over Christmas with just her. She’s messaged again today saying let her know when he’s back so they can go for a walk again and soon groups will meet so the others can join. I can’t help feeling uneasy. Haven’t said anything to my boyfriend - I appreciate him showing me the message and then asking when we will next be going back and don’t want him to feel like he can’t share things. But I just feel uneasy by the 1:1.

Well, if he's friends with her he might meet and message her separately from the group, as any of us might if we got on with an individual in a group. It's often how platonic friendships start. None of us can possibly hope to guess whether or not there's more to it than that. There might well be; there might well not be.

The issue is more to do with how this gets dealt with within the relationship between OP and her partner, isn't it?

@Summergirl76 Why does it matter to you whether or not she fancies him? Everybody in the world could fancy him, but he's chosen to be with you. What's causing the chink of doubt? What do you need him to do to make it better?

However, I don't think there's much my boyfriend can do, he can't stop her messaging and he doesn't see anything wrong to saying yes to a couple of hours walk

Is this where you disagree?

[quote Summergirl76]@Veterinari it's hardly the most riveting scenario. I know that info because my DP told me how do you think! He tells me about conversations he has with friends, male and female, just as I do with him with my friends. He just simply said he finds it surprising she is so optimistic about having her baby with a partner, given her age, that she isn't with anyone, and hasn't been for so many years.
I know snippets of other information too about her such as about her family but it isn't relevant and would be outing. ]

Thanks for all the varied replies. I know it's not normal to ban partners from friends, hence why I've not done that, and haven't even voiced any concerns with him. I just came here to get a feeling of whether my inner anxieties are completely irrational.

I think the reality is true what people say about he can cheat whether or not I police him. I'm not going to say anything and if anything happens well that will be entirely on him. My priority is he is open and honest with me.[/quote]
Right so you don't 'know' that she's definitely looking to have a child and won't consider a sperm donor. You've heard that second hand, plastered it in the internet, and extrapolated it to mean that she's angling for your partner.

I think @Dervel's post is sensible but with the caveat that no person should be limiting their lives to be accommodate irrational insecurities.

Respect and trust goes both ways

@Dervel

Ok well a fair boundary would be to say you are uncomfortable with the private messages and meets until you have established a rapport with the woman in question.

I’m just imagining a male partner asking this of me and one of my male friends and honestly I’d be horrified. Wouldn’t it be better to just have an open discussion with him about your insecurities and he can reassure you? I wouldn’t mind if a partner said ‘I’m a bit anxious about this new friend, you don’t think they fancy you do they?’ I would be honest and reassure them that even if they did fancy me I wouldn’t be interested and would shut down anything inappropriate. If he said ‘I’m not happy with you seeing this man til I’ve met him and built a rapport with him, I think I’d actually be quite freaked out and feel controlled, (once I’d stopped laughing).

@TedMullins good points here!

I am in a newish relationship, and we have largely been in lockdown or some form of it since we got together. So I don’t know specifically what he feels about me seeing my male friends 1 on 1, as the opportunity hasn’t really arisen. When it does, I think I will say, I was thinking of going for a drink with Joe-Bob (none of my male friends are called Joe-Bob - only wish they were! It’s a clever alias). And then I would expect boyfriend to say, either “Go for your life, babe!” OR “I feel a bit weirded out by your relationship with Joe-Bob - can you tell me more about it?”. Which would open up a dialogue.

Don’t get me wrong - the story definitely ends, one way or the other, with me going for my drinks with Joe-Bob. But I would be happy to reassure my fella first, if he was troubled. If it turned out he was, it would be a useful and important conversation to have.......

[quote Lovelydiscusfish]@TedMullins good points here!

I am in a newish relationship, and we have largely been in lockdown or some form of it since we got together. So I don’t know specifically what he feels about me seeing my male friends 1 on 1, as the opportunity hasn’t really arisen. When it does, I think I will say, I was thinking of going for a drink with Joe-Bob (none of my male friends are called Joe-Bob - only wish they were! It’s a clever alias). And then I would expect boyfriend to say, either “Go for your life, babe!” OR “I feel a bit weirded out by your relationship with Joe-Bob - can you tell me more about it?”. Which would open up a dialogue.

Don’t get me wrong - the story definitely ends, one way or the other, with me going for my drinks with Joe-Bob. But I would be happy to reassure my fella first, if he was troubled. If it turned out he was, it would be a useful and important conversation to have.......[/quote]
Yep that’s exactly it. I’d be more than happy to discuss the issue and reassure someone i don’t think placing demands on someone is healthy.

@TedMullins, agreed. And there are contextual factors too. Of my 3 closeish straight male friends, one is my oldest friend from my early childhood, one is a university friend, and one is a friend of me and my exH, who was also my brief fling exit affair (exH had shagged everybody under the sun at that point, and AP friend was single, so I don’t feel bad).

My boyfriend knows who all of them are and what they have been to me - we are pretty open.

So, if boyfriend had a problem with me seeing either of the first two 1 on 1, I would think he was being pretty odd. But with the last one, as he is technically an ex (and one I considered myself wildly in love with for a few crazy weeks), I would get that more. I’m even willing to accept that I should probably introduce boyfriend to that fella before I go and see him 1 on 1, out of respect for boyfriend (tho in truth no part of me hankers for ex AP, or him for me - we were always great mates and should have remained that, but I was sad and he hated seeing the way I was being treated and we just had a couple of crazy weeks).

OP, I just honestly see no evidence that your fella is up to anything. I think she is just his mate, and a bit lonely right now (lockdown must be HELL if you live alone and don’t have a regular bubble). But, speak to him. Tell him how you feel! You aren’t wrong to feel as you do. And it’s the only way you’ll get your answers........

I don’t think being married or single has anything to do with it, but if it makes you uncomfortable you need to work out why and discuss it with your partner. If you have always been comfortable with him having female friends but you think something is off about this one, try to work out why you feel that this one is somehow different.
Relationships can become inappropriate regardless of marital status. The issue is whether you trust him or not with anyone of the opposite sex, attached or not.

Trust your gut. That's what I've learnt over the years. Every time I've felt there was a problem with a "totally innocent" friendship - there was.