To feel like my life is a prison?

[namechangeforadvicepls]

I feel like my life is a prison.

I can't figure out which of my decisions are my own and which are me picking out of a few options my husband gave me. Don't get me wrong he is a good man and he is just trying to do what he thinks is best for us. He never tells me what to do but I do what I know he will want?

But my life has become smaller and smaller over the years we have been together. I was bubbly and funny and had a good circle of friends when we met. He wanted to go travelling so I didn't go to Uni to do so and don't get me wrong I did love travelling.

We got back and he set up a business and I went to work. Over the years, he asked me for more and more help in his business that I felt I couldn't say no to. I now work for him full time, from home.

I don't have any friends left, he has fallen out with all his family. I still see my Mum a couple of times a month (in normal times), but I don't see much of my sisters as he doesn't like their partners. He won’t go to things like if my mum had a barbeque or Sunday lunch at hers and my sisters are going, they do things like that often but we don’t go. I've noticed he seems to have stepped up how much he doesn't like them recently.

I've gained so much weight because I feel like all I can do is eat, that's the only fun thing I have left in my life. My weight has stopped us from having children. We're 36 and have been together 20 years. I feel like I didn't see being controlled coming, I was just a child and desperate to get away from my Mum who was also really controlling (she has got a lot better with time). It's only really the past few years since I have learned more about feminism that I have realised I never really felt I had any options, I always thought the most important thing was to have a husband and I have just sleep walked through my life.

Our life looks so perfect from the outside but inside I am miserable. I overheard him on the phone the other day telling my Mum how I had chosen our car. I don't like our car, it's so low and I struggle to get out of it but it was the best of the (bad) options he gave to me and totally opposite to what I would choose if I had free reign. But it's a Mercedes and I feel like I should be grateful about it? I would have picked an ecosport or a juke.

He is a workaholic and works outside of the home but has to do paperwork at home. He does this on an evening and on a weekend. I have to sit with him at the dining room table while he does this, even if that means staying up til midnight, getting up at 5am, or last Sunday he was doing it from about 10am-8pm. I do 100% of the mental load and housework and care of the dogs - he makes me a cup of tea once or twice a week. He often rings me 20 times a day when he is working - sometimes a genuine question about work but mostly to rant or talk while he is between jobs or driving. He likes me to be at home when he is.

Despite all this I do love him. (Although I don’t think I fancy him anymore. I have no sex drive at all.) He had a traumatic childhood and I can understand where his control issues come from and I do have sympathy for him and what he went through. He refuses to have counselling.

But I feel like I am an empty shell. My self confidence and self esteem is so low, I am so scared of life outside of this house, I would have absolutely nothing, no education, no career prospects and no money but I am so unhappy.

@ruokhon sorry not 8 out of 10, 8 out of 27

Just had a small thought as a small something for you that may not perhaps cause too much upset. Why not check out FutureLearn (or similar) they have many and very varied free online courses. Something related to COVID, beekeeping, dog psychology, architecture?! Surely he couldn’t object and it would allow you to sit “companionably” but with headphones on. Maybe worth a try??

I think the Dash checklist was scoring across a wide range of abusive behaviours. Whereas the other, where your partner matched highly, was just looking at coercive behaviours.

But in an acceptable relationship no partner would score anything on those checklists.

OP, do you have a niece? Or can you imagine if you had a daughter and she was an adult and she confided these experiences in you - what would you advise her to do? Sounds daft but can you draft a letter with advise to a niece/daughter? Imagine they are really really counting on your advice and need a steer - a gentle yet firm steer - what would your steer be? Just an exercise out or curiosity could you write this out for her? You could even use some of the ideas in this thread for inspiration..

I think the Dash checklist was scoring across a wide range of abusive behaviours. Whereas the other, where your partner matched highly, was just looking at coercive behaviours

Yes the DASH is designed to assess violent abusive behaviour as well as coercive control. But as a PP says, ideally you should score zero. A score of higher than 3 is major red flag territory.

The chart of coercion describes coercive controlling behaviour only. It was originally written based on research done to understand how American prisoners of war had become ‘brainwashed’ by their captors.

Years later someone overlaid the chart onto domestic abusers behaviour and realised it matched perfectly. The pattern and method is exactly the same.

I posted it because not only does it give you a framework and a language for understanding what’s going on in your relationship, but also to show that it is really not as simple you just ‘standing up for yourself’.

Korean prisoner of war camps used those methods on captured American soldiers and by the time they were rescued, they were declaring themselves fully-fledged communists and refusing to leave the camp.

That’s how powerful coercive control is.

The flip side is stalking. If you weren’t in a relationship with him and he continued the same behaviours (calling you constantly, monitoring your time and your movements) it would be stalking. Coercive control is kind of like him stalking you from within your relationship.

Both stalking and coercive control are crimes now. You can report him to the police if you want to. You could also call Women’s Aid, or ask for ‘Ani’ at your local pharmacy and you’ll be able to access support from there in private.

You should also be aware that when abusers sense they are losing control of their victim, they can escalate their behaviour. Even if he has never been violent before that’s probably only because he knows he has you where he wants you. If he starts to feel that his grip on you is loosening, he may become physical to ‘put you back in your place’.

The point of realisation and of separation is a dangerous time. It’s when 76% of domestic abuse homicides occur - when the victim is trying to leave. So, again, that’s why it’s not as simple as saying ‘just tell him you’re going to the BBQ’.

Be careful OP and keep posting.

Just sending more hugs @namechangeforadvicepls I’ve become more horrified as this thread has progressed and can’t imagine the emotional turmoil you must be feeling right now. It’s going to take you some time to process it all and work out what you need to do.

The only important, immediate thing is to cancel the surgery, it’s incredibly invasive and with your self esteem where it is at the moment it is unlikely to yield the results you hope. If you do decide to leave I’m sure you will find yourself able to lose much of it naturally anyway.

Do you actually take the dogs out for walks? You just said take them outside up thread, as the nights get nicer perhaps you could start evening walks, it’s an easy thing to justify as the dogs need it and it will get you out to start clearing your head.

Keep posting it will help you get your head straight.

I know in my heart I need to leave. I want to leave. All I can think about is having my own house, decorated exactly how I like and living on my own and being able to do whatever I want. I'm always looking for houses I could buy or rent on Right Move and I look at the floorplans and then I look at home shops to think how I would furnish it, what colour would I paint it etc. I think about walking the dogs in the evening and not the morning like he prefers. Waking up to my own body clock rather than him waking me up. It's all I can think of sometimes. I admit I can be a bit of a fantasist though.

But when I think of the realities, like I would have to get a job in the outside world, it seems so impossible to me. I used to love to work, I just used to work in admin before mainly but I love working. I've worked since I was 13. But the thought of having to go out, and interview, and sell myself, and meet new people. It makes me feel physically sick. I feel like I'm so useless. I made a lot of mistakes in the beginning, I do everything for the business from a paperwork side and I found the finances really hard to come to terms with at the beginning and as the business grew and he would shout at me a lot about it. I've got the hang of it now but I don't feel like my skills would transfer, I just do the best I can think of to do on excel.

Also, I might end up even lonelier than I am now. At least I do have someone to speak to every day in DH.

I have been in a relationship like that. It is just easier to do whatever he wants, isn't it? As otherwise he will be sulking for ever and it doesn't feel worth it.
He doesn't like your friends and family? Mine didn't either. He wouldn't tell me he didn't like them, but always complained that one friend or the other said something or did something and was in a bad mood whenever I saw them. So again, was just easier not to. Of course they do it on purpose, so there would be nobody to tell you to leave, no help.
In the end, I was a quiet little grey scared mouse, not a person. My entire life revolving around one man and his moods. It was horrible. But I didn't see it, I though it was normal. I loved him.

Op you are so young. Yes it seems scary to leave, but you have easily more than half your life ahead of you - you want to be miserable and controlled for the rest of it? You have plenty of experience, you have marital assets - you can start a new life and live it the way you want. You need help though. Freedom program, women's aid. Counselling but just for you.

@namechangeforadvicepls
I can guarantee you will feel amazing in 12 months time if you leave tomorrow. Honestly you will. It will be difficult for a few months as it’s a big adjustment, but once you adjust I can guarantee that your new life will be a thousand times better than this.

Don’t overthink it. Just get what you need short term and go. Don’t waste another day of your life on him.

You will absolutely find work, you just need to be out of his control, then you will see how capable you are.

Please find the courage to go.

Also, I might end up even lonelier than I am now

You could find friends and connect with old ones once he is no longer there disapproving of them.

I wouldn't call waking up to your own body clock and renting your own place fantasies at all. They can be your reality. Have you done any searches on the internet for the sort of job that you used to do in the past? A bit like you are searching for houses in rightmove? What about searching for courses that you like the look of? When your husband is out, ring women's aid and see what they can suggest for how to improve your life? You can simply read out what you have posted here and they can respond. Make yourself do something you feel a bit uncomfortable about like searching for a job or contacting your sister maybe. But I agree with previous posters about being careful.

You wouldn't be lonely you would be able to speak and see your Mum and sisters!! You would be able to make and have friends.

Does your Mum have a spare room you could move to whilst you sorted out a job?

There is so much help. I have contact with employment support groups who work exactly with women like you who have no confidence and no/ little work experience. They work one on one entirely to help women like you gain confidence, and qualifications and skills or whatever you need to get back into work.
I know it must feel terrifying, it sounds like you have lived your whole life being controlled, by your mum and then you partner. Its been awful. But you will have people to support you. There is support out there. You can build a new life. You can make that fantasy reality.
You can build your own social networks with people who like you for who you are, not for how they can dominate and control you.

@KatharinaRosalie

I have been in a relationship like that. It is just easier to do whatever he wants, isn't it? As otherwise he will be sulking for ever and it doesn't feel worth it. He doesn't like your friends and family? Mine didn't either. He wouldn't tell me he didn't like them, but always complained that one friend or the other said something or did something and was in a bad mood whenever I saw them. So again, was just easier not to. Of course they do it on purpose, so there would be nobody to tell you to leave, no help. In the end, I was a quiet little grey scared mouse, not a person. My entire life revolving around one man and his moods. It was horrible. But I didn't see it, I though it was normal. I loved him.

Op you are so young. Yes it seems scary to leave, but you have easily more than half your life ahead of you - you want to be miserable and controlled for the rest of it? You have plenty of experience, you have marital assets - you can start a new life and live it the way you want. You need help though. Freedom program, women's aid. Counselling but just for you.

I'm so sad you've been through this too, but yes, it's exactly as you described. If I called him out on him putting down my sisters or their partners, he would say he did like them and act like I was being over the top, he was only venting. It just annoyed him that they did xx. And xx. And on and on.

How did you come to the decision to leave, and what was it like once you had? Do you feel happier now?

But the thought of having to go out, and interview, and sell myself, and meet new people. It makes me feel physically sick. I feel like I'm so useless. I made a lot of mistakes in the beginning, I do everything for the business from a paperwork side and I found the finances really hard to come to terms with at the beginning and as the business grew and he would shout at me a lot about it. I've got the hang of it now but I don't feel like my skills would transfer, I just do the best I can think of to do on excel

OP the only reason you feel like that, is because of him. If he hadn't spent the last 20yrs abusing you, you would not feel this way. So that isn't you it's not the real you. He has made you have such a clouded, distorted reality of yourself. He wants you to believe you couldnt learn new skills, or interview for a job or be independent. But you absolutely can. Unfortunately being a woman in an abusive marriage common, but people escape. They live, the live wonderful Happy and fulfilling lives. They look back 5/10/20 years later and can't believe the woman they have become. This absolutely can be you x

It's highly unlikely you would be lonelier without him. You could visit your family, see your old friends, make new ones, join a fitness club or weight loss programme, enrol at a college or uni, get a new job, move into a house share while you find your feet, go out to clubs and festivals etc once they reopen - the entire world won't be on lockdown forever, but you might be if you don't get out.

By the way, I'd think twice about weight loss surgery. A couple of friends have had it and you can end up feeling dizzy and weak. Also, if he starts being difficult about food and insisting you can try and bit of this or that, you could get really ill and end up in hospital. Instead, eat healthily, do bootcamps and weigh training and C25K etc and you will be fine.

You do not love him
You think and believe this is better than nothing
Please,seek some counselling on your own
He is controlling you
This is not love
Time to move on on your terms live your life

I'm also really scared of the karma.

If I break his heart and ruin his life and make things hard in his business, I'm scared that I will get a load of terrible karma. The Universe will find a way to punish me. I know mumsnet isn't very woo, but I can be sometimes and I do believe that what goes around comes around.

I know that he thinks he is just doing what is best for us - he just always thinks in every situation that he knows what is best. He wants us to have a nice life. He always says he works so much so we can have nice things and holidays, he always says that at least he doesn't leave me to go out and get drunk with friends all the time, and that all his free time he spends with me, also he never spends any money on himself but is generous with every body else at times like Christmas or weddings etc.

If his intent isn't to be abusive but my intent is to leave despite knowing that and knowing how much it will hurt him, does that make me a horrible person?

I feel so embarassed to admit it all that but it is a big part of my thinking.

He is a workaholic and works outside of the home but has to do paperwork at home. He does this on an evening and on a weekend. I have to sit with him at the dining room table while he does this, even if that means staying up til midnight, getting up at 5am, or last Sunday he was doing it from about 10am-8pm. I do 100% of the mental load and housework and care of the dogs

Do you know exactly what paperwork he does because it sounds an awful lot for a one man business. Especially as you say, “I do everything for the business from a paperwork side and I found the finances really hard to come to terms with at the beginning.”

I’m not meaning to pry, but it seems like he’s trying to spin out this enormous quantity of paperwork just to keep you tied to him while he does it. I understand him preferring the dining room table and the office chair to a pokey room to work in, but normal people would feel they are putting they’re partner out and be more than happy for them to find something else to do while they are working!

I get it OP. I was with an abusive and controlling man. I'm very clever but he made me feel stupid and small. His wants triumphed anything I could possibly need and he kept me away from everyone. Because of course those people were threats.

I said to my DF that I didn't know how I got my O levels because he made me feel so stupid. But I'm not and neither are you.

Leave, make your own decisions and enjoy your life. It couldnt be any worse than it is now.

I hate to put it quite like this, but to all intents and purposes, you are a slave.

He doesn't allow you any free will whatsoever, does he?

Do you actually get paid a salary for the work you do?

If his intent isn't to be abusive but my intent is to leave despite knowing that and knowing how much it will hurt him, does that make me a horrible person?

If his intent wasn’t to be abusive and controlling, you would be able to discuss with him how you are feeling and be able to make some changes and compromises so you could enjoy life more. The reality is you can’t do that, can’t suggest anything because you fear his reaction.

Your last update is a great starting place. First things first getting a job! You have been successfully doing all the admin for a business alone for many years, that is very marketable experience, for references do you have any suppliers or customers that you are friendly with that might oblige. Maybe start by temping, once you’ve eased yourself back into the workplace and got used to being and talking with other people again, interviewing will be less scary.

All of this doesn’t have to happen straight away, contact women’s aid and get some advise I have no experience but plenty on here are more knowledgeable. You need advice on housing and benefits to help you get sorted.

What is your current situation, do you own? You will be entitled to marital assets.

You won’t be lonely, even on nights when you are alone, you can call family, have a conversation, read books chose what to watch on Netflix without having to compromise, walk the dogs when you want.

You can do this.

If I break his heart and ruin his life and make things hard in his business, I'm scared that I will get a load of terrible karma. The Universe will find a way to punish me. I know mumsnet isn't very woo, but I can be sometimes and I do believe that what goes around comes around

But by not ruining his life you will ruin your own, that’s not karma, that’s reality.