To feel like my life is a prison?

[namechangeforadvicepls]

I feel like my life is a prison.

I can't figure out which of my decisions are my own and which are me picking out of a few options my husband gave me. Don't get me wrong he is a good man and he is just trying to do what he thinks is best for us. He never tells me what to do but I do what I know he will want?

But my life has become smaller and smaller over the years we have been together. I was bubbly and funny and had a good circle of friends when we met. He wanted to go travelling so I didn't go to Uni to do so and don't get me wrong I did love travelling.

We got back and he set up a business and I went to work. Over the years, he asked me for more and more help in his business that I felt I couldn't say no to. I now work for him full time, from home.

I don't have any friends left, he has fallen out with all his family. I still see my Mum a couple of times a month (in normal times), but I don't see much of my sisters as he doesn't like their partners. He won’t go to things like if my mum had a barbeque or Sunday lunch at hers and my sisters are going, they do things like that often but we don’t go. I've noticed he seems to have stepped up how much he doesn't like them recently.

I've gained so much weight because I feel like all I can do is eat, that's the only fun thing I have left in my life. My weight has stopped us from having children. We're 36 and have been together 20 years. I feel like I didn't see being controlled coming, I was just a child and desperate to get away from my Mum who was also really controlling (she has got a lot better with time). It's only really the past few years since I have learned more about feminism that I have realised I never really felt I had any options, I always thought the most important thing was to have a husband and I have just sleep walked through my life.

Our life looks so perfect from the outside but inside I am miserable. I overheard him on the phone the other day telling my Mum how I had chosen our car. I don't like our car, it's so low and I struggle to get out of it but it was the best of the (bad) options he gave to me and totally opposite to what I would choose if I had free reign. But it's a Mercedes and I feel like I should be grateful about it? I would have picked an ecosport or a juke.

He is a workaholic and works outside of the home but has to do paperwork at home. He does this on an evening and on a weekend. I have to sit with him at the dining room table while he does this, even if that means staying up til midnight, getting up at 5am, or last Sunday he was doing it from about 10am-8pm. I do 100% of the mental load and housework and care of the dogs - he makes me a cup of tea once or twice a week. He often rings me 20 times a day when he is working - sometimes a genuine question about work but mostly to rant or talk while he is between jobs or driving. He likes me to be at home when he is.

Despite all this I do love him. (Although I don’t think I fancy him anymore. I have no sex drive at all.) He had a traumatic childhood and I can understand where his control issues come from and I do have sympathy for him and what he went through. He refuses to have counselling.

But I feel like I am an empty shell. My self confidence and self esteem is so low, I am so scared of life outside of this house, I would have absolutely nothing, no education, no career prospects and no money but I am so unhappy.

I echo not having the surgery just yet. That will just create a physical dependence on him and give him something to use against you.

You can have it in the future, when you’re ready.

Please escape OP. I feel absolutely wretched reading what he does to you.

Absolutely horrific to read.

You poor woman.

Please contact Women's Aid.

You could walk into a police station and ask to speak to an officer about "domestic abuse and Coercive control".

His control of your life is a crime now.

You poor woman.

Jesus op, I have been on here for years and I don't think I have ever felt for someone so much. This is honestly the saddest, most miserable marriage I've seen on here. This is abuse spanning 2 decades. You sound like such a lovely person. I know everyone reading will know this marriage needs to end. But I know it's easy to say it when it's not us. I honestly think you just need to disappear. Speak with womens aid and then just go. You can always find somewhere else to live, earn more money etc but this is your one life. You only have one. Imagine sitting at 70/80 looking back at your life and it's gone on a man that won't let you read a book. I hope you find your happiness somewhere op, because it will.never be with this abusive man. They don't have to hit you to abuse you

What would happen if you were to tell him how you feel?

This is really horrifying, OP, he is so abusive. I echo what PPs have said, that you should contact Women’s Aid. And please involve your sisters. My DSis’s first marriage was abusive and it was devastating to think about what she’d been through without me realising.

You’re only 36, which really is young enough to start an adult life of your own for the first time.

Tell your sisters. They probably already know / suspect. If this was my sister I would be in the car going to get them straightaway. Everything else can be sorted once you are somewhere safe.

OP this is awful the way he controls you. You were very young when you met him, he has controlled your life since, not letting you the things you want to do with your life.
I had a boyfriend from age 17 to nearly 21, he dumped me but it was the best decision ever, I knew I didn't want to get married but I was too scared to finish it. I'm so glad I didn't stay with him, I was too young, like you were. I would never have done the things I did.

I don't know if he will ever change so maybe it's time you did. I agree you shouldn't have the weight loss surgery. You need outside support to give you strength to help you make decisions about what you want to do. You have so much to offer. You shouldn't have to live like his servant at his beck and call. Good luck.

Honestly, what you've written about having to sit at the table with him while he works, fetch his slippers, not being allowed to wear headphones to watch Netflix... this is a devastating example of coercive control. It is utterly terrible abuse. I feel sick even reading it.

It is SO FAR from a normal relationship. You really must separate, this is an oppressive life. You are so young and could still do so much. You've had a long marriage, you've contributed to the business, you must be due a chunk of those shared assets.

Sending you

Definitely talk to your Dsis's I'm sure they know. My eldest Dsis is in a controlling marriage we're only waiting on her to leave she knows we know we're here.

It is really sad for you, they start by grinding you down slowly until you don't know what's normal anymore.
Once you see, it can't be unseen.
It takes a lot of strength believe in yourself.

I spoke to my Mum last year about not feeling happy and wanting to leave and she said she would support me but she didn't understand.

I have found that people don't understand unless they've been in a controlling/abusive relationship too. They can empathise but they don't truly understand.

Do you feel you could speak to Women's Aid?

Jesus Christ get rid, you will have to be tough because he will cling onto you like a limpet, get everything organised in the background so he doesn't realise!

You are a beautiful kind lovely person, this is not your fault.
Men like him take advantage of your kind nature and use it against you.

He has stolen 20 years of your life so far, don't let him steal the next 20+

@Sundances

IMHO it’s way too big a leap to go from OP’s emotional situation True but we don't know, nor does teh OP what her DH's response is going to be to her pushing back. He possibly has no clue how she feels, she hasn't told him, hasn't complained. He was brought up in a controlling home, he has nothing to compare it to. He might grudginly understand her unhappiness. Obviously if he becomes angry and violent she would have to leave.

Leaving shouldn’t be contingent on physical violence. You can leave a relationship any time you want.

I really felt for you reading this post. I think you should start with small steps like doing something you like every day, whether it is buying a coffee/reading a book/watching something on youtube you like. Is there a friend you can catch up with? Presumably you go out and walk the dogs. I think that it is important to find out who you are and what you like and what you don't like doing? Longer term, I also think and this is so important you really need to try and get a job outside the home. You need financial independence. What was your job before you started working for him? Could you go back to something like that? I thought your post was well written and articulate. IT's no wonder you feel like you do. I don't think he's the right person to have children with by the way. That would just trap you more. You could do something educational as well but I suspect getting a job outside your home would help more.

I agree with a PP who suggested you ask MNHQ to move this to the Relationship Board where you will get fantastic help to take the baby steps you need to change your life.

You say you love him but do you really or has he just become a habit? It sounds like his behaviour has gradually escalated and maybe you could begin to change one thing that makes you the unhappiest and make small changes, ie, don't sit with him while he works, don't answer the phone for the 20th time that day, go to your DM's bbq, ignoring his pleas for you not to go.

You say you have no education, no career prospects and no money. You could start with doing a course if university would be too big a step initially, you work for his company so do have skills already and lastly, you would get 50% of assets if you were to divorce and if for some reason you didn't then you start at the bottom, on benefits and find any kind of job to gain experience.

Cancel your operation if you don't want to have it done. Make that the first thing to change your life.

I wish you all the very best and look forward to hearing in the future that you are free of him.

OP Someone close to me died recently. Not too much older than you (about five yrs). They were in a different but equally suffocating situation. I am grieving for them. But also for the life they could have had. The freedom they could have enjoyed. They (and all their friends) were waiting till they were capable of leaving.

Can you live like this till your dying day? Given you have one life, is this how you want to live it? Being a tool for this man. Having no value in yourself. Only having value for what you add to his life? Only having desires that are actually a subset of his desires. Basically being nothing more than his property - trained like a dog to bring him his slippers?

If the answer is yes - that is your choice. It would kill me. But if you can bear it. If bearing it is more bearable than the fear of starting out on your own, then that’s your choice. If the answer is no. You cannot see yourself spending your one and only life sublimating every natural want and need you have to his desires, then don’t put it off. Start planning. There are women in here that can help. I have seen the freedom project mentioned.

You are young. You have so much life left. But equally you never know when that wonderful gift that is your one and only life is at an end. Make a CHOICE. And then start living.

Haven't read the full thread but he sounds controlling, and you say you're 36 and been with him for 20 years? You haven't experienced any other relationship so I think you will find it difficult to see how controlling he really is.

I spoke to my Mum last year about not feeling happy and wanting to leave and she said she would support me but she didn't understand

Probably because as she is also a controlling person she doesn’t understand how her control affected you and doesn’t understand why you would be so upset when someone does the same thing to you that she did and why would you want to leave.

I suggest whilst your mother might support you that you are careful that the manipulation doesn’t return and you swap a controlling husband for a controlling mother

I just read your other posts.I really hope that you can find fulfillment in life. I think what happened is that you've sadly gone from one controlling relationship to another. It's easy for us to look on the outside and tell you what to do. I hope you find it in yourself to start liking and loving yourself enough to do what's best for you.

What a waste of your life. You only have one and its as his slave. Please leave. Even if it did mean losing the house or having less money, at least you would be living again.

@namechangeforadvicepls I had been with him 12 years when I finally left. I was still under 30.
Your updates make me feel so sad. Please believe you are not trapped. You do have choices. It’s just incredibly hard to see them when someone else is controlling your view.

There is an active thread called
"I have a secret I need to spill (divorce and home related)"
The OP is @newhomenewlife She is 51 and has made her arrangements to leave. and now she says she already feels much younger.
This maybe will give you ideas about how you leave.
FWIW the posts so far have been excellent. Use them to work out your priorities. If you can list them and keep them secret do so.
Please do not take on extra responsibilities and extra loads. Therefore delay the surgery for at least a year.
Simplify everything.
You need to disconnect from this man, whilst connected it is impossible to change. He has a block ready for every occasion.

You know what you could do OP? You could ditch this abusive man and have a whole family of your own. You're only 36. Do it. Do it how.

@RUOKHon

OP did you have a look at the DASH checklist I posted upthread?

I think it would also be worth you, and others on this thread who are looking to blame you or minimise his behaviour, taking a look at this chart of coercion www.strath.ac.uk/media/1newwebsite/departmentsubject/socialwork/documents/eshe/Bidermanschartofcoercion.pdf

It explains how it’s possible somebody can become completely under another’s control.

I did read both of those, thank you. I found them confusing in a way though, the dash checklist I only scored him 8 out of 10 but if this one was a checklist I feel I could have ticked every one?