To feel like my life is a prison?

[namechangeforadvicepls]

I feel like my life is a prison.

I can't figure out which of my decisions are my own and which are me picking out of a few options my husband gave me. Don't get me wrong he is a good man and he is just trying to do what he thinks is best for us. He never tells me what to do but I do what I know he will want?

But my life has become smaller and smaller over the years we have been together. I was bubbly and funny and had a good circle of friends when we met. He wanted to go travelling so I didn't go to Uni to do so and don't get me wrong I did love travelling.

We got back and he set up a business and I went to work. Over the years, he asked me for more and more help in his business that I felt I couldn't say no to. I now work for him full time, from home.

I don't have any friends left, he has fallen out with all his family. I still see my Mum a couple of times a month (in normal times), but I don't see much of my sisters as he doesn't like their partners. He won’t go to things like if my mum had a barbeque or Sunday lunch at hers and my sisters are going, they do things like that often but we don’t go. I've noticed he seems to have stepped up how much he doesn't like them recently.

I've gained so much weight because I feel like all I can do is eat, that's the only fun thing I have left in my life. My weight has stopped us from having children. We're 36 and have been together 20 years. I feel like I didn't see being controlled coming, I was just a child and desperate to get away from my Mum who was also really controlling (she has got a lot better with time). It's only really the past few years since I have learned more about feminism that I have realised I never really felt I had any options, I always thought the most important thing was to have a husband and I have just sleep walked through my life.

Our life looks so perfect from the outside but inside I am miserable. I overheard him on the phone the other day telling my Mum how I had chosen our car. I don't like our car, it's so low and I struggle to get out of it but it was the best of the (bad) options he gave to me and totally opposite to what I would choose if I had free reign. But it's a Mercedes and I feel like I should be grateful about it? I would have picked an ecosport or a juke.

He is a workaholic and works outside of the home but has to do paperwork at home. He does this on an evening and on a weekend. I have to sit with him at the dining room table while he does this, even if that means staying up til midnight, getting up at 5am, or last Sunday he was doing it from about 10am-8pm. I do 100% of the mental load and housework and care of the dogs - he makes me a cup of tea once or twice a week. He often rings me 20 times a day when he is working - sometimes a genuine question about work but mostly to rant or talk while he is between jobs or driving. He likes me to be at home when he is.

Despite all this I do love him. (Although I don’t think I fancy him anymore. I have no sex drive at all.) He had a traumatic childhood and I can understand where his control issues come from and I do have sympathy for him and what he went through. He refuses to have counselling.

But I feel like I am an empty shell. My self confidence and self esteem is so low, I am so scared of life outside of this house, I would have absolutely nothing, no education, no career prospects and no money but I am so unhappy.

OP I have pm’d you but worried that you will be alerted to an email and he will see it - Mumsnet email when we receive private messages.
I will report this post to try to stop that happening

@isthismylifenow I’ve had a bit of a weird day today actually. I rang the local support place but the woman I spoke to, it felt a bit weird between us, she seemed distracted maybe? I can’t describe it. I don’t know if it’s just in my head or not but then she wanted to take all DHs details and I didn’t want to give them to her, I don’t want to get him into any trouble. So I ended the call, and now I’m not sure what to do next. I feel a bit lost, I had a nice evening with DH and it’s making me question if everything is really that bad, I was so sure yesterday but I'm doubting myself today.

Thank you for your lovely post this morning too, I'm glad you're not in a controlling marriage anymore .

@WakeUpSchmakeUp it's okay, I don't have notifications turned on

Oh @namechangeforadvicepls, you've been here before!
You were about to leave, to Uni, with a loan, and accomodation. He persuaded you he'd change, you'd get a day off a week, you'd be able to sign up to a craft course , he'd stop the controlling behaviour, he'd consider adoption.
Etc etc etc.
Six months on, he's EVEN MORE controlling, and NONE of what he said has happened.
He is a manipulative, abusive, controlling, nasty shit
And the sooner you get away from him, the better

What does a "nice" evening with your H consist of?

[quote namechangeforadvicepls]@isthismylifenow I’ve had a bit of a weird day today actually. I rang the local support place but the woman I spoke to, it felt a bit weird between us, she seemed distracted maybe? I can’t describe it. I don’t know if it’s just in my head or not but then she wanted to take all DHs details and I didn’t want to give them to her, I don’t want to get him into any trouble. So I ended the call, and now I’m not sure what to do next. I feel a bit lost, I had a nice evening with DH and it’s making me question if everything is really that bad, I was so sure yesterday but I'm doubting myself today.

Thank you for your lovely post this morning too, I'm glad you're not in a controlling marriage anymore .[/quote]
OP it really is that bad, you’ve got hundreds of comments from people confirming just how bad this is. That’s what abusers do, the odd nice day, hour, night, just enough to keep you sweet and hanging on. Classic technique for abusive people.

@randommess What does a "nice" evening with your H consist of?

He got home relatively early so we had dinner together and watched Great British Menu. We talked about stuff other than work, like some house projects we wanted to do over the Easter weekend. Just a nice, normal evening.

They want his details because if you disappear they want to tell the police where to look for him/who he is. Also helps them if they get a distressed phone call saying 'X' has done abc they can put your name into their computer and know who 'X' is without you having to explain it all over again. And details of events because in the future some people decide to go to the police, or to access council housing, or benefits and for these things sometimes a person doesn't qualify for help under ordinary rules but they do qualify under exceptional circumstances rules. So they need evidence of what the exceptional circumstances are, details of what happened and when etc. At the end of the day you live with him, they're not going to report him to police and then he batters you when police let him out. They don't want that. Also if they take that sort of action without permission people won't go to them for help. They want people to go to then for help! You're not unusual, lots of people have messed up heads and don't want their abuser punished or can't cope with involvement with the legal system. They're not going to make you do anything you don't want to do.

Probably she was distracted because working from home, you don't have the same focus as being in the office when your children are there in the background. Phone again when you get the chance to and explain your fears and that you won't be giving his details. These services are not there to judge they're there to support. They will have their ways of doing things but ultimately it's on your terms.

[quote namechangeforadvicepls]**@randommess What does a "nice" evening with your H consist of?

He got home relatively early so we had dinner together and watched Great British Menu. We talked about stuff other than work, like some house projects we wanted to do over the Easter weekend. Just a nice, normal evening.[/quote]
If he senses he's losing you (and there's every chance he will) he'll possibly go on his best behaviour. It's how they keep you hooked into the relationship.

And despite the 'nice evening' , which by the way just sounds normal, he will wake you up when he wants you to be awake tomorrow. You wouldn't be able to tell him if you were meeting your sister for a coffee.
You wouldn't be able to just pop out without an inquisition.
Honestly , you'll look round and you'll be 50, still tied to the miserable , controlling bastard.
Read the threads on here.

@springcrocus I know that you're right. I actually had forgotten that he said he would consider adoption or fostering, that got brushed to the side very quickly.

Oh my love @namechangeforadvicepls
You are in a constant trauma cycle, you can't remember all the details because all of your life is scarey and risky and your brain can only deal with so much stuff, so it "forgets" stuff that is less of a priority.
That doesn't mean not important, just not priority right now .

As you recover , once you escape him, you may have flashbacks to stuff.
Real stuff, repressed to protect you at the time. It's a normal thing with c ptsd.
Trust us, we remember what you posted six months ago!

5:30am wake up call for me this morning as he needed me to "help him" with paperwork 😴

Is he incapable of doing his own paper work?

Does it really have to be 5.30am?

Even if not physical what he's doing to you is abuse and/or coercive control and you need to leave.

Try again with the support company, hopefully you’ll get someone different. Don’t let one normal evening derail the progress you’ve made.

“And despite the 'nice evening' , which by the way just sounds normal, he will wake you up when he wants you to be awake tomorrow. You wouldn't be able to tell him if you were meeting your sister for a coffee.
You wouldn't be able to just pop out without an inquisition.
Honestly , you'll look round and you'll be 50, still tied to the miserable , controlling bastard.
Read the threads on here.”

One of the biggest difficulties you’ve got, OP, is that you actually don’t want to have to leave him - you wish he was the husband you wanted him to be so every time something remotely pleasant happens (and what you describe is an entirely normal evening for most people - not worthy of comment), you seize on that as a reason to backtrack. It’s understandable - you’ve been together since you were children.

But whatever the reasons for your H’s behaviour, he has made your life a prison - in fact, you would have considerably greater freedom of choice in prison - and that’s because he doesn’t see you as human in your own right. He sees you as his possession whom he is entitled to control totally.

As a PP said, the irregular periods are probably because you’re permanently highly stressed and exhausted. It’s great you haven’t had children together.

It’s difficult but you will regret it enormously if you continue to sacrifice your life to his comfort in this way.

And you’re allowed to feel sorry for him. But you should feel more sorry for yourself. And angry.

Letting someone sleep is an act of true love

Waking someone up when it’s not necessary is spiteful

Actually letting someone sleep isn’t about love

It’s just basic respect

If you were “alone” you could have all the sleep ins you want

I put alone in quotes because you wouldn’t be alone, that is the just term you have used for leaving him.

Was it super urgent paperwork that needed to be done before 6AM and only you knew how? I bet it was not.

And OP - nice normal evening is just that, normal for most people. For you it's something special that rarely happens. That's not normal.

I want to stress once more what you said, that you feel you need to be there because he had a bad childhood. But you being there is not helping him. If all your suffering was good for him, he would be a nicer and better person by now - but he is getting worse and worse, isn't he. If you are worried about karma then you need to leave for his sake too, so he can get help.

Op I actually cried reading this, you are being abused beyond anything I’ve read, please please just leave, he is using sleep deprivation like you are a prisoner of war. Honestly found this so difficult to read.

Oh OP, how awful. What does he say if you ask him why it needs to be done right this very second ?

Imagine having a baby and the baby needs feeding every 3 hours. Then you've got DH with his rigid bed times, so you won't be able to go to bed when you're tired. Baby is going to wake you up at least once/twice. Then DH wakes you at 5:30am. And you have to do paperwork before sorting the baby after getting 3 hours sleep. No napping either as he will make sure you're busy holding his hand while he works.

The normal nice evening is just an act to keep you there.

Your nice evening is an evening most people have with their partners/husbands every day.

Example of healthy relationship:

-wake up 7 am to ensure the children are getting ready, DP makes me a coffee and brings it to me in bed.

-830am everyone has left for work and school so I can do whatever I like all day because I’m currently out of work, no phone calls from DP, just the odd text asking how I am and if I’m having a nice day. Occasionally something household related like we’re out of toilet rolls.

-630pm DP gets in from work, I usually make his dinner because he does a long commute but he doesn’t expect it from me I do it because we’re a team, we then sit and chat about our day while he eats - I eat earlier with the children because he’s a really fussy eater.

830pm- children’s bedtime gets done, so then DP and I get in bed, snuggle up and watch whatever series we’re on now, he tickles my back because he knows how much I love it. And then I usually scroll on my phone 😬

That is healthy OP and you can have this too, you’re worthy of it, you deserve it.

Those small minuscule things he does to keep you sweet aren’t even things for you, its because it benefits him. I’d hazard a guess you don’t get to choose what you watch on tv if you get a night to relax like that?

You need to leave! How long will you keep doing this for. Speak to a refuge, anything but you need to make the leap and not keep having excuses for not doing so. I know it’s hard but in time you’ll realise it’s the best decision you made.