To feel like my life is a prison?

[namechangeforadvicepls]

I feel like my life is a prison.

I can't figure out which of my decisions are my own and which are me picking out of a few options my husband gave me. Don't get me wrong he is a good man and he is just trying to do what he thinks is best for us. He never tells me what to do but I do what I know he will want?

But my life has become smaller and smaller over the years we have been together. I was bubbly and funny and had a good circle of friends when we met. He wanted to go travelling so I didn't go to Uni to do so and don't get me wrong I did love travelling.

We got back and he set up a business and I went to work. Over the years, he asked me for more and more help in his business that I felt I couldn't say no to. I now work for him full time, from home.

I don't have any friends left, he has fallen out with all his family. I still see my Mum a couple of times a month (in normal times), but I don't see much of my sisters as he doesn't like their partners. He won’t go to things like if my mum had a barbeque or Sunday lunch at hers and my sisters are going, they do things like that often but we don’t go. I've noticed he seems to have stepped up how much he doesn't like them recently.

I've gained so much weight because I feel like all I can do is eat, that's the only fun thing I have left in my life. My weight has stopped us from having children. We're 36 and have been together 20 years. I feel like I didn't see being controlled coming, I was just a child and desperate to get away from my Mum who was also really controlling (she has got a lot better with time). It's only really the past few years since I have learned more about feminism that I have realised I never really felt I had any options, I always thought the most important thing was to have a husband and I have just sleep walked through my life.

Our life looks so perfect from the outside but inside I am miserable. I overheard him on the phone the other day telling my Mum how I had chosen our car. I don't like our car, it's so low and I struggle to get out of it but it was the best of the (bad) options he gave to me and totally opposite to what I would choose if I had free reign. But it's a Mercedes and I feel like I should be grateful about it? I would have picked an ecosport or a juke.

He is a workaholic and works outside of the home but has to do paperwork at home. He does this on an evening and on a weekend. I have to sit with him at the dining room table while he does this, even if that means staying up til midnight, getting up at 5am, or last Sunday he was doing it from about 10am-8pm. I do 100% of the mental load and housework and care of the dogs - he makes me a cup of tea once or twice a week. He often rings me 20 times a day when he is working - sometimes a genuine question about work but mostly to rant or talk while he is between jobs or driving. He likes me to be at home when he is.

Despite all this I do love him. (Although I don’t think I fancy him anymore. I have no sex drive at all.) He had a traumatic childhood and I can understand where his control issues come from and I do have sympathy for him and what he went through. He refuses to have counselling.

But I feel like I am an empty shell. My self confidence and self esteem is so low, I am so scared of life outside of this house, I would have absolutely nothing, no education, no career prospects and no money but I am so unhappy.

Seriously? Why should it matter to him what phone you have? That has absolutely no impact on his life whatsoever, beyond being a small way you get to express some independent thought.

@namechangeforadvicepls

Oh, I think I just found my anger

Yes! Let the anger grow, use it to leave. I'm glad you cancelled the surgery, like a pp idea of using the time to leave him.

It’s great that you’ve found your anger. I hope you’re keeping a list of all the things you’ve told us here, so you have it to hand when you call WA. Seeing it all listed out will help you tell yourself it isn’t nothing. And keep a second list of all the things you do around the house/ that annoy you about him. That will definitely stoke your anger in a productive way.
Here’s a starter:
No lie-ins
Not allowed outings
Not allowed to read a book
Not allowed to watch TV including with headphones
Not allowed to see friends
Not allowed to see family
Not allowed to make decisions about what to spend money on

Things you do
12 hours of your own work a day
Sit next to him while he works (this one really makes me sick)
Fill dish washer
Empty dishwasher
Make all food and snacks, 3+ times a day, 363 days a year
All laundry

I’m sure you could double or triple this list. Do, then harness how it makes you feel to get out to a better life of lie-ins, peace, teacher training and telly. Heaven!

Presumably you do all the cleaning as well? Does he clean the toilet after himself or does he leave that for you.

He sees himself as your god to be obeyed and revered.

And it doesn’t matter if he’s never said ‘you’re not allowed to do x’ or ‘you must always do ‘y’ - there’s a reason coercive control is a crime, and it recognises the more subtle nature of the abuse you’re experiencing.

I own half of everything but I do sometimes feel like it's more his because of it's his business that brings the money in but technically I do own some

Earlier you said that you do all the paperwork for the business so it's as much yours as it is his. Your solicitor will be able to work out what's fair.

I forgot to say don't tell him about the surgery. If he asks just say "It was cancelled" don't tell him you cancelled it. Act is if it's not really relevant, he'll probably try and make a big thing of it but if it's irrelevant to you he'll just look silly like he doesn't already.

I feel so sad reading this thread. I am so glad you've found your anger. This is no way to live and I really hope you take on board the advice on here.
He won't change and I hope you find the strength to leave

I think you should definitely make those lists, and also brace yourself for missing "him" when you leave.

As in, it'll be a huge shock to the system and part of you will want to sink back into happy oblivious easiness again. Some of your life at the moment relies on someone else telling you what to do and when so in some senses its easier, even if its awful.

But you won't really be missing him, you'll just be adjusting to a change.

Haaaaang on a minute.

The surgery, conception etc. Have you had any proper medical investigation into your conception difficulties? There seems to be an assumption that this is All Your Fault and if you lost weight then everything would be fixed. Has HE had any investigations? Proper sperm analysis?

Sounds like a miserable existence living with this draining controlling,man. He sounds so needy and demanding. I'd have to tell him go & shove it up his arse.
You deserve to be happy and be able to read your books and have a lay in bed now and again, and go to a family meal etc. Sounds like he just works 24/7.

[quote namechangeforadvicepls]@gutful he makes me a cup of tea, maybe once a week on average. He's never put a load of washing on or made me dinner, not even on my birthday or Valentines Day or anything. He cooks Christmas dinner sometimes, if we're hosting it, but again, it's for the glory isn't it? He has never loaded or unloaded the dishwasher, I do 100% of everything at home. I'm exhausted and I've had enough.[/quote]
There was an amusing thread on here recently about men cooking for show/guests.
Kitchen wankery. Showing off.

It sounds like the scales are well and truly falling from your eyes. Find your anger! You deserve so much better.

You can't leave the house OP. Just read that sentence again.

You can't leave the house.

@cripez But there are no children involved...

If the OP does feel her husband controls every aspect of her life it's probably easiest + wisest to get out of there & sort out the house later if at all possible.

Having been in refuge that moment when you can let go of the breathe you've been unconsciously holding onto for so long & realise whatever money you hold in your hand - that's yours. You get to decide whatever you spend it on. You could get help from Women's Aid who can help get you safe & settled into your new life & provide support.

OP do you have siblings you could reach out to?

@Tankflybosswalkjam

Good point.

Doesn't matter anymore, the OP is planning on leaving and won't be having his children, so there isn't any point in getting it investigated//worth mentioning to him.

As if he would think it's his sperm that was the problem!

I knew he wasn't generous - it's for show only. My MIL is like that. Ostentatious gifts of her choosing bought in her local town so that it looks like she is generous to people in the town. Would never give the money instead because it's not about the giving, it's about the showing.

I knew you couldn't spend money freely on what you wanted without criticism.

It's so terrible to be criticised all the time, I'm not surprised you have stopped trying to be you. I did too. I gave up fighting.

Not sure if this has already been suggested - but don’t tell him the surgery is cancelled. Pack a ‘hospital’ bag, get dropped off, then use the bought time to see a solicitor and get things in order. By end of day you can ring him to pick you up and say you got cold feet when they went through the forms/they cancelled it due to a staffing issue - whatever. You have an opportunity of a day where you can be gone and he can’t get hold of you...

But when I think of it in terms of myself I think i must just be making a fuss about nothing, it can’t be that bad, it doesn’t warrant all this... attention I’m giving it, I just need to be a better wife, etc

These are his thoughts. He has trained you to think like this. Maybe your mum did too.
You are having thoughts of your own now. Your own counter narrative to the one he wants you to have. Your own true narrative of how your life really is and how it really makes you feel.

Here is one of the best pieces of advice I ever had. ' Listen to your anger and steward it wisely.' Your anger is telling you something very important. Listen to it.

You may want to consider using the date to the surgery, those 2.5 weeks, as your a goal to get out by. That will keep you away from his reaction to cancelling the surgery and his actions afterwards when he realises you exercised some autonomy. Maybe you could use that, and your justified anger at how he has treated you all these years, as a motivator to take action.

@Totallydefeated It's not that I'm not allowed to read at all, just not around him. I couldn't sit at the table with him while he's working and read because it takes too much of my attention, he wants me to be chatting to him all the time

So selfish and self-centred of him. And so immature that he can’t (or won’t) be by himself.

@WildfirePonie well indeed it’s irrelevant going forward. But, it bears scrutiny that this man was willing to let her go through surgery rather than investigate all other options first, including whether his own side was in working order. I could be completely wrong and they might have had all the usual battery of fertility investigations and been told that the OPs BMI was without doubt the biggest contributory factor. But somehow, a conversation around “don’t you think you’d feel so much better if you lost loads of weight?” sounds a lot lot more likely.

OP has he ever had a sperm analysis?

@tankflybosswalkjam @wildfireponie

We've had all the tests. His sperm is fine. My periods are extremely irregular, I don't have any cycles to speak of. I might have PCOS but they've never been able to say for definite. We've tried Clomid etc. Got to the point of the next step being IVF but the doctor asked me to lose 2-3 stone first.

God OP. Plenty of pp have said it far better than I could but I couldn't not comment.

This man doesn't love you. I know that's likely hard to read, but this is NOT love. He owns you. He cares about his utter possession of you. He enjoys your weight, and will enjoy your weakness after surgery. He will enjoy your conflict about food. It's all power and nothing more. You need to be very careful here because he does NOT really see you as a person to care for, someone to respect or try to please. When you try to stand and walk away, he will be on you like a rabid dog. When his ownership starts to slip, and you no longer fall for his put downs and manipulation, this will get nasty. You will need outside help, don't turn it away out of some misguided sense that you are not at risk.

For gods sake get on some contraception. I know you've struggled to ttc, but not only would it tie you to him, it would be so dangerous. A baby takes your focus, your love, and a healthy couple do this together and grow stronger in joint love. He would view your baby as a threat and either cut you out or mistreat the children. Don't go there.

Keep talking OP. He has successfully cut you off from every support irl to the point where you somehow feel sorry for him. You need to keep hearing how backwards this is. Strength.

My periods are extremely irregular, I don't have any cycles to speak of. I might have PCOS but they've never been able to say for definite.

A BIG factor in irregular cycles not caused by PCOS is stress. When you’re chronically stressed, and cortisol is high for more than a short period, it lowers progesterone and raises prolactin,, amongst other changes, which interferes with ovulation and makes cycles irregular.

I’d be willing to bet your situation is a big cause of this, and there’s a good chance your cycles would normalise if you were out of this situation.

Have you seen the film Thelma and Louise? Try and watch it. There's a key line where Thelma finds her anger against her husband's control and simply says "you are my husband not my father". Imagine a life where you can invite your friends round to your tiny cosy terrace, watch a film and share a laugh, go to bed and wake up when you want. You can have this life, he cannot actually stop you, you can divorce him, but it's a bit like decorating, it will look worse before it looks better

OP, I feel for you. This man is awful. This is a really bad situation you're in. He is soooo manipulative and he knows exactly what he is doing.

You will probably end up talking to more people once you leave because you'll be able to go out to work, see friends, have hobbies, join clubs, see family. You've never had a life of your own as an adult, so I can see why it's scary. He wants to control you and will never let you be yourself.

However, you sound amazing and I really think now is your time to shine.

@Totallydefeated

My periods are extremely irregular, I don't have any cycles to speak of. I might have PCOS but they've never been able to say for definite.

A BIG factor in irregular cycles not caused by PCOS is stress. When you’re chronically stressed, and cortisol is high for more than a short period, it lowers progesterone and raises prolactin,, amongst other changes, which interferes with ovulation and makes cycles irregular.

I’d be willing to bet your situation is a big cause of this, and there’s a good chance your cycles would normalise if you were out of this situation.

That's interesting. I do feel stressed all the time. I'm always on edge, sometimes it's worse than others but every time my phone rings for example my heart pounds or feels fluttery and I get a prickly feeling in my shoulders. I don't know if it's an old wives tale but I feel like I have more grey hairs than I should and it's given me a bit of a stutter sometimes? Looking back now, timing of starting to TTC coincides with just before all the work stuff took a turn as well.