To feel like my life is a prison?

[namechangeforadvicepls]

I feel like my life is a prison.

I can't figure out which of my decisions are my own and which are me picking out of a few options my husband gave me. Don't get me wrong he is a good man and he is just trying to do what he thinks is best for us. He never tells me what to do but I do what I know he will want?

But my life has become smaller and smaller over the years we have been together. I was bubbly and funny and had a good circle of friends when we met. He wanted to go travelling so I didn't go to Uni to do so and don't get me wrong I did love travelling.

We got back and he set up a business and I went to work. Over the years, he asked me for more and more help in his business that I felt I couldn't say no to. I now work for him full time, from home.

I don't have any friends left, he has fallen out with all his family. I still see my Mum a couple of times a month (in normal times), but I don't see much of my sisters as he doesn't like their partners. He won’t go to things like if my mum had a barbeque or Sunday lunch at hers and my sisters are going, they do things like that often but we don’t go. I've noticed he seems to have stepped up how much he doesn't like them recently.

I've gained so much weight because I feel like all I can do is eat, that's the only fun thing I have left in my life. My weight has stopped us from having children. We're 36 and have been together 20 years. I feel like I didn't see being controlled coming, I was just a child and desperate to get away from my Mum who was also really controlling (she has got a lot better with time). It's only really the past few years since I have learned more about feminism that I have realised I never really felt I had any options, I always thought the most important thing was to have a husband and I have just sleep walked through my life.

Our life looks so perfect from the outside but inside I am miserable. I overheard him on the phone the other day telling my Mum how I had chosen our car. I don't like our car, it's so low and I struggle to get out of it but it was the best of the (bad) options he gave to me and totally opposite to what I would choose if I had free reign. But it's a Mercedes and I feel like I should be grateful about it? I would have picked an ecosport or a juke.

He is a workaholic and works outside of the home but has to do paperwork at home. He does this on an evening and on a weekend. I have to sit with him at the dining room table while he does this, even if that means staying up til midnight, getting up at 5am, or last Sunday he was doing it from about 10am-8pm. I do 100% of the mental load and housework and care of the dogs - he makes me a cup of tea once or twice a week. He often rings me 20 times a day when he is working - sometimes a genuine question about work but mostly to rant or talk while he is between jobs or driving. He likes me to be at home when he is.

Despite all this I do love him. (Although I don’t think I fancy him anymore. I have no sex drive at all.) He had a traumatic childhood and I can understand where his control issues come from and I do have sympathy for him and what he went through. He refuses to have counselling.

But I feel like I am an empty shell. My self confidence and self esteem is so low, I am so scared of life outside of this house, I would have absolutely nothing, no education, no career prospects and no money but I am so unhappy.

He just can't do anything on his own at all.

Except he can. All those things he does when he’s out of the house for a start. But he chooses to do everything at home with you. HE chooses.

Could you use the planned surgery as an escape route? Maybe ask them for help, pretend the surgery is still going on, have him take you to the clinic, and then disappear?

No idea if that is realistic but it seems like an excellent opportunity to be somewhere without him for an extended period of time.

@Totallydefeated it's really suffocating.

It's this idea of being "a team" that keeps me in my place I think. Because if I ever argue back or complain about something to do with work, he just tells me he's doing it for us and he just wants us to have a nice life. It stops me dead in my tracks because I really fell for it for a long time, I didn't want to seem ungrateful and he always earnt a lot more money than me and I think I felt like it gave him more of a right or say in the relationship?

But I slowly realised that we're not a team. He never, ever just picks up a load of washing and puts it on. He won't even get up to get his own snack from the kitchen - he will ask me to do it for him. And when I used to say no, he would guilt trip me by telling me how tired he was, how many hours he had done that week, etc.

All he cares about is work, all he does is work. A team implies consideration of everyone in it but I am just his nanny and housekeeper and assistant rolled into one. He doesn't care about money, he could earn only a little bit less by working a 40 hour a week, Monday to Friday job in his field. But he doesn't, because he wants the "glory" of having his own business. He doesn't care how miserable it makes me.

Oh, I think I just found my anger

"I feel like my life is a prison"

While have never been to gaol (but watch a lot of America's Hardest Prisons)

Prisoners in gaol dream about the outside world but also feel fearful of the idea of leaving prison - leaving into the unknown, only yourself to rely on

They know once they leave prison they will lose the structure, the housing, not having to worry about meals etc. That is SCARY for people. Prison becomes a comfort.

You become institutionalised & so used to the prison system you lose sight that it's such a small existence & the outside world is vast. You start to see prison as the normal world & the outside as foreign & you don't know where you'd fit into that world.

In prison you are not an individual but part of a collective. You're a number, you're not seen as unique.

But NOBODY ever gets to their last day in prison & doesn't walk out those doors into the scary unknown - feeling fear, anxiety, knots in your stomach & a sense of thrill.

You've been locked up for decades - the way you feel is completely normal for someone who has been in your situation.

It may take time for you to mentally prepare to leave - but it sounds like you're on your way OP.

Good for the anger! You think your situation isn't that bad, but it is, you're in it so you can't see the wood for the trees, it's why you didn't tick much off on the checklist someone posted earlier. You saw 8 out of 27 points in him? That's your damaged eyes seeing that. In a few months/years away from him you read the list again I bet you see more like 20 points when you're not so damaged by the abuse and you see clearer.

Your situation is sufficiently bad you're justified in dialling 999 and asking police to come escort you from the house. You could do as someone else suggested and say you're taking the bin out, go to a neighbor and have them call the police who will then help you return home to fetch stuff from the house eg documents clothes etc so you can leave properly. Honestly if you ask for help you'll get it, your situation is dire.

Also the whole "team" thing essentially just stamps you out as an individual. You're not allowed to have your own wants & needs, it's for the team.

Are you ever allowed to ask him to do things for the team?

Can he not do a load of laundry for the team? Has he never once cooked dinner for the team?

When you tried to help the team out by getting into a course & looking to work he squashed that. How did this help the "team" financially?

Also am interested to know how much of this money you see as the "team member"

Are you allowed to have money ? Or does he control it & say it's all his?

So it's HIS when it's convenient & "US/TEAM" when it suits him.

He sounds highly manipulative - these type are hard to spot but once you "see" them the veil will fall.

Oh, I think I just found my anger grin

Yes!!

Nurture that anger, that sense of grievance. It’s your friend.

He, however, most definitely is not, as you’re now realising. He talks a good game, but his actions are completely at odds with how he portrays himself.

Anytime you catch yourself feeling sorry for hun, remind yourself that he doesn’t see you as a person at all. You’re a possession, a housekeeper, a slave. He doesn’t love you, he’s not capable of loving. He just wants to own you.

He just can't do anything on his own at all. I have to help him do everything

If he was that incapable then he wouldn’t be able to hold down a job.
He chooses to act incapable as a means of keeping you by his side.

@gutful he makes me a cup of tea, maybe once a week on average. He's never put a load of washing on or made me dinner, not even on my birthday or Valentines Day or anything. He cooks Christmas dinner sometimes, if we're hosting it, but again, it's for the glory isn't it? He has never loaded or unloaded the dishwasher, I do 100% of everything at home. I'm exhausted and I've had enough.

@gutful to be fair, I take a fair wage out of the business and I deal with all the finances and have access to his bank accounts. I almost feel like it's the exact opposite to financial abuse in a way, he is very generous with money, but I think there is a control element to it in that he wants people to know he is very generous with money. Not sure if I'm explaining that very well.

@Tankflybosswalkjam @Bythemillpond yes, "can't" was the wrong word to use really. "Doesn't want to" is more accurate.

But you can't spend that money how you like. You own a car that he chose when you'd have chosen another. You're glued to his side or the house chores so when do you get any opportunities to spend the money. Also, he's not generous giving you money! You've earned it working 11hr days! It's yours by rights, you didn't need him to 'give' it to you. He prevented you working elsewhere, by manipulating you to give up your job and come work for the business and sabotaged your self esteem, and therefore your course, when you tried to retrain for something else. It absolutely is financial abuse.

Is Christmas dinner in front of your families? Does he make a big "show" of doing the cooking like he is the star that day?

Why is it he can coordinate a complex Xmas celebratory meal but does not appear to want to cook on any other day of the year?

Re: money/finances
Are you able to squirrel away money & he wouldn't notice?
Are you able to spend the money freely?
Do you ever just go shopping & by something because you want it?
Do you have to run purchases past him?
How much can you spend on something frivolous without him noticing?
You say you work in his business so you are owed a wage
Does it feel like he is "giving" you money you have earnt?

[quote namechangeforadvicepls]@gutful to be fair, I take a fair wage out of the business and I deal with all the finances and have access to his bank accounts. I almost feel like it's the exact opposite to financial abuse in a way, he is very generous with money, but I think there is a control element to it in that he wants people to know he is very generous with money. Not sure if I'm explaining that very well.[/quote]
I hope you don't mind me asking a question about this?

You have access to the bank accounts, so can you spend money, without running it past him?
What I mean is buying reasonable stuff, not extravagant things.

For example, can you buy a pair of £30 shoes, without running it past him?
Or could you buy a new top for £5 , in the sale, without asking him?

He is generous with money but didn't you also say that he said all your houses/business/everything belonged to him only?

Seem to remember you mentioning that you didn't feel like 50% of your assets were yours, because he reminds you that it's all his.

That's not generous.

@namechangeforadvicepls he keeps saying he’s doing all this for you both to have a nice life. Do you feel like you have a nice life? It doesn’t seem like he’s ever asked what that would look like for you, in which case he’s just doing it all so that HE has a nice life, and who cares whether you do or not! What he feels for you isn’t love, it’s ownership.

Your feelings matter. You matter. You deserve to be able to breathe freely, read a book, have a lie in, spend time with your family, choose your own car!

@namechangeforadvicepls

When I’m reading here or if I imagine that someone else was telling me this was happening to them, I think it’s so awful and I think “just go!!” But when I think of it in terms of myself I think i must just be making a fuss about nothing, it can’t be that bad, it doesn’t warrant all this... attention I’m giving it, I just need to be a better wife, etc.

I really, really want to leave but I feel like I’m frozen in the headlights and just can’t move.

well what you need to think about to motivate yourself to leave is at the beginning of your post you said you feel like your in prison , well you are im afraid , except in a prison you would have more freedom ! yes you cannot leave ,, but you would be free to chat to any of the other inmates and make friends with them ,, in your cell you would be able to read a book or write a letter without your fellow cellmate disapproving of it .. you would be able to receive visits from your family without your fellow inmates having the arse about it ,or the prison officers kicking off because they didint like your sisters partners and iv no idea what the general rising time in a prison is but im guessing its a little later than 5am . so op these are some of the things that in a prison you could do that you cannot do now ! so you arent making a fuss about nothing , you are in a reall bad situation that you need to get out off and womens aid can help you , i needed their help when i left my domestic violence situation and they are lovely

@chaosrabbitland - nailed it. Wow to think in actual prison you could have more rights & freedoms

And like in prison where you have to do certain things at certain times he also monopolises the OP’s time, instructing her to sit with him & perform certain tasks at his set time

He runs the show

We can’t even recommend OP read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft because he actually prevents her from reading.

In gaol you’d at least be doing a lot of that too...

@namechangeforadvicepls

Oh, I think I just found my anger

Run with it! Refer back to the post that made you find it when you're thinking 'maybe it's not so bad'.

I wasn't in as bad a situation as you but my ex wouldn't even let me go shopping on my own and I was frightened to look narcissistic abuse things up on the internet because he could see everything i was doing, or so he implied. He had me completely paranoid. When you are out of the relationship and your head clears you will be shocked at how you were living, how you are now. But oh so happy that you're free

That's good that you have access to his bank accounts - keep a note of his fincances so when it comes to the legal side of the separation you'll be able to tell your solicitor if he's trying to hide anything. Perhaps not strictly legal but your husband doesn't sound like the decent kind.

Yes, the reading ban..... we all know why he’s really doing that, but how does he explain it?

I've just read the whole thread.
I really think you can do this. It's time to leave. Everything you want from life is out there waiting for you and everything you don't want is at home with him. He's horrible OP. This has left me feeling chilled. Please ring WA and get out of there - you could sell the car to help finance you once you've gone.

Okay you're really making me think about the money perspective now. I own half of everything but I do sometimes feel like it's more his because of it's his business that brings the money in but technically I do own some .

Now that I'm really thinking about it, there are rules. For example, I could spend £60 having my hair coloured but not £30 having my nails done. Because both people I go to for those are kind of in my old friend circle and he likes the hairdresser but not the beautician. I could buy a rug on credit for £20 a month but I couldn't buy a new phone for the same £20 a month even though mine is getting a bit broken, because he doesn't like the phone I would pick.

@Totallydefeated It's not that I'm not allowed to read at all, just not around him. I couldn't sit at the table with him while he's working and read because it takes too much of my attention, he wants me to be chatting to him all the time.