To feel like my life is a prison?

[namechangeforadvicepls]

I feel like my life is a prison.

I can't figure out which of my decisions are my own and which are me picking out of a few options my husband gave me. Don't get me wrong he is a good man and he is just trying to do what he thinks is best for us. He never tells me what to do but I do what I know he will want?

But my life has become smaller and smaller over the years we have been together. I was bubbly and funny and had a good circle of friends when we met. He wanted to go travelling so I didn't go to Uni to do so and don't get me wrong I did love travelling.

We got back and he set up a business and I went to work. Over the years, he asked me for more and more help in his business that I felt I couldn't say no to. I now work for him full time, from home.

I don't have any friends left, he has fallen out with all his family. I still see my Mum a couple of times a month (in normal times), but I don't see much of my sisters as he doesn't like their partners. He won’t go to things like if my mum had a barbeque or Sunday lunch at hers and my sisters are going, they do things like that often but we don’t go. I've noticed he seems to have stepped up how much he doesn't like them recently.

I've gained so much weight because I feel like all I can do is eat, that's the only fun thing I have left in my life. My weight has stopped us from having children. We're 36 and have been together 20 years. I feel like I didn't see being controlled coming, I was just a child and desperate to get away from my Mum who was also really controlling (she has got a lot better with time). It's only really the past few years since I have learned more about feminism that I have realised I never really felt I had any options, I always thought the most important thing was to have a husband and I have just sleep walked through my life.

Our life looks so perfect from the outside but inside I am miserable. I overheard him on the phone the other day telling my Mum how I had chosen our car. I don't like our car, it's so low and I struggle to get out of it but it was the best of the (bad) options he gave to me and totally opposite to what I would choose if I had free reign. But it's a Mercedes and I feel like I should be grateful about it? I would have picked an ecosport or a juke.

He is a workaholic and works outside of the home but has to do paperwork at home. He does this on an evening and on a weekend. I have to sit with him at the dining room table while he does this, even if that means staying up til midnight, getting up at 5am, or last Sunday he was doing it from about 10am-8pm. I do 100% of the mental load and housework and care of the dogs - he makes me a cup of tea once or twice a week. He often rings me 20 times a day when he is working - sometimes a genuine question about work but mostly to rant or talk while he is between jobs or driving. He likes me to be at home when he is.

Despite all this I do love him. (Although I don’t think I fancy him anymore. I have no sex drive at all.) He had a traumatic childhood and I can understand where his control issues come from and I do have sympathy for him and what he went through. He refuses to have counselling.

But I feel like I am an empty shell. My self confidence and self esteem is so low, I am so scared of life outside of this house, I would have absolutely nothing, no education, no career prospects and no money but I am so unhappy.

What do YOU think would be “bad” enough to warrant help? What has to happen for that line to be crossed? Please answer x x

@Tankflybosswalkjam

Something physical, I suppose. Or it would be more important for someone who has children.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

I’m working from home at the minute so yes. I’m fairly confident he doesn’t know about this thread but while he’s here I can’t ring them. He would be suspicious if I tried to leave the house though. He wouldn’t want me to go out without him if he’s in the house, or go out when I’m supposed to be at work.

If he knew about this thread he wouldn’t be able to not comment on it, he would want to stamp it out immediately.

OP. I've got nothing to add but my heart goes out to you. You are as in need of help as any other abused person. I hope you get it.

When I’m reading here or if I imagine that someone else was telling me this was happening to them, I think it’s so awful and I think “just go!!” But when I think of it in terms of myself I think i must just be making a fuss about nothing, it can’t be that bad, it doesn’t warrant all this... attention I’m giving it, I just need to be a better wife, etc.

I really, really want to leave but I feel like I’m frozen in the headlights and just can’t move.

I’m just not sure I should take a place from someone who might need it more than me, I don't think of what I'm dealing with as bad enough to take that kind of help

It is bad. It is very very bad.

If they don’t think you warrant a place then they won’t give you one but let them decide instead of second guessing what they might say.

If they don’t have a place (maybe because of Covid and lockdown restrictions or being full) they will be able to point you in the right direction and offer support and legal advice.

I would have a back up of a room somewhere, friends house, sisters house etc to get away to so you can then start sorting yourself out with a job and even just a room in a shared house to begin with.

You have just got to get away otherwise everyday that goes by leaves you open to further abuse if he finds this thread or any other thing that might give the game away you are thinking of leaving.

Feel the fear and leave anyway.

When he decides to wfh. Do you have to sit at the table with him? Under the same conditions?
Slave conditions? Because, that's what it is.

OP your thread honestly made me shudder it reads like a Stephen King novel. My heart goes out to you that you feel unable to leave & imagine the alternative to be worse, it's almost as though you have Stockholm Syndrome after 20 years of this institutionalisation. This is genuinely the saddest thread I've ever read. I hope you can reconnect with your family and friends to get the love and support you need to summon the strength and courage to move forward.

Honestly OP, you are in prison, and you've been institutionalised. You talk about the outside world. It's so sad to read.

Change is disconcerting at the best of times. For you it's bound to be terrifying. But staying is worse. Try to imagine really small things. Think of the day off you had where you nearly went to the cinema. You could have days like that where you are free to just wander. No decisions, no pressure. Just be. Don't worry about the big things, it's one step at a time. One phonecall, one bag with a few things in it. That's all. You could imagine packing a bag. Picture it. Imagine making the call. Imagine taking your bag and getting into the car. Imagine you never had to go back after your day off.

Have you told him about cancelling the surgery OP?

I hope not, you can use some "hospital appointments" as days away to prepare things.

I bet once you've left the weight falls off!

This is an American link but the information is good. You might find it helpful.
www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm

I guess the thing to know is that he won't change. So unless you change, the situation will continue, probably worsen.

A lot of people assume that abusers know they're abusive and plot and plan but I'm not so sure. I think in your case he sounds like a deeply damaged person who uses you as a crutch rather than facing his own issues. He probably thinks he loves you and cares about you, and has zero insight into the fact he treats you like a slave. So I don't think there is any point wasting energy trying to make him understand it hoping things may improve.
And what you are actually doing by staying, is enabling him to continue being an abuser. Maybe he will go on to abuse others or maybe, there's a slim chance, that he will face his demons.
None of this is your fault, however you can take responsibility for your life from this point.

You should probably be covering your tracks online and thinking about getting a new cellphone so he can't contact you when you leave.

Get together birth certificate, ID, bank deets and 3 changes of clothes, and hide them somewhere.

I really, really want to leave but I feel like I’m frozen in the headlights and just can’t move

The fear you feel isn’t necessarily about what will happen if you leave but the idea that you are doing something without his permission
A bit like someone who needs to be told how to step away from the oncoming truck because they fear stepping in the wrong direction.

They know they need to run but need someone to tell them which way.

He has chipped away at your self esteem and confidence so much you are fearful of doing anything for yourself as it might go wrong.

I think you need to accept that it will be shitty for a while. You will make mistakes but then it will get better.
Staying in the middle of the road with the head lamps of a truck thundering towards you is only going to end one way if you don’t move and no one is going to tell you which way to go.
It is about getting together enough strength to put one foot in front of another and walking in any direction out of the trucks path.

@springcrocus No I don't have to work at the dining table with him, as it's a normal work day I just do my normal work. I did have to start early at about 6:20am though, as that's what time he started, and work through to my normal finish time of 5pm. Then I did have to sit at the dining table with him until he finished his work, at about 9:30pm.

@cavagirl no I haven't told him. I'm worrying about that a bit actually, the clinic were lovely with me, but I'm supposed to have the surgery in 2.5 weeks and I don't know what to say or do about it.

OP, delurking to add another voice to your support team.

Then I did have to sit at the dining table with him until he finished his work, at about 9:30pm.

I can’t believe he’s made you sit at a table for 15 hours. That’s fucking terrible.

Out of interest, how does he justify you having to sit with him? Because on the face of it it’s so bizarre that a grown man can’t sit by himself, it’s like he’s a baby. How does he present the rationale for it?

Be out by then xxx

Sorry, just reread and saw you didn’t sit at the one table all day. But still had to give up your evening to it. How does he explain that?

This is the worst post I've ever read on mumsnet, I feel like I can't breathe reading it.
Your life feels like a prison because it is. No intact it's worse. You have to wake up when he wakes up, eat when he eats, sit with him when he does his work, watch what he wants on tv, not allowed to read, not allowed to see any friends, fetch his things, work for his business....you literally have no autonomy in any part of your life whatsoever. I've felt sick reading this. I know it's your normal but surely the police would take an interest in this? It's not just him being a shit, he is literally keeping you prisoner.

You wont be worse off if you leave because from what you've written, that isnt actually possible. You wont be lonely because you will see friends. You will have a life outside the house. You will be able to have hobbies and go to the cinema. This will happen for you.

I know it doesn't feel like you can, but you physically can, you just need to build up the confidence and hopefully the nice people of mumsnet can help you with this. You're already imagining things that you wouldn't have thought about a while ago like how to decorate your own place. That's a start mentally. People on here will have had experience of similar and can help you work out how to do it.

Is there any chance that he has any idea? Like he has access to your phone (possibly remotely?) Just wondering why he has chosen to work from home this week.

Can you blame covid? Not many people want to have a non essential medical treatment in a pandemic

So you DID have to sit by him, as a slave. 15 hours under his control.

@totallydefeated Sorry, just reread and saw you didn’t sit at the one table all day. But still had to give up your evening to it. How does he explain that?

He always says we're a team and help each other out. He says he hates doing the paperwork side of his job and that it's demoralising and he needs me to help keep him going. He says things like we're a team and help each other out, or says "at least we're spending time together" or "if you were married to someone else they'd probably be on the Xbox/PC now".

He just can't do anything on his own at all. I have to help him do everything.

It’s a guilt trip and a manipulation, isn’t it? So if you tried not to sit there he could insinuate you’re not doing your bit for the ‘team’ (boak).

Of course, he does nothing to help you out, does he, though I’m sure he’d spin it that he does loads.

I feel so suffocated reading your posts. Like I’d want to say I was taking the bin bag out, open the front door, and just run.

@SpringCrocus I didn't literally sit by him for all that time, I have an office in the box room upstairs so it was more or less just me and the dog for the first 11.5 hours.