To feel like my life is a prison?

[namechangeforadvicepls]

I feel like my life is a prison.

I can't figure out which of my decisions are my own and which are me picking out of a few options my husband gave me. Don't get me wrong he is a good man and he is just trying to do what he thinks is best for us. He never tells me what to do but I do what I know he will want?

But my life has become smaller and smaller over the years we have been together. I was bubbly and funny and had a good circle of friends when we met. He wanted to go travelling so I didn't go to Uni to do so and don't get me wrong I did love travelling.

We got back and he set up a business and I went to work. Over the years, he asked me for more and more help in his business that I felt I couldn't say no to. I now work for him full time, from home.

I don't have any friends left, he has fallen out with all his family. I still see my Mum a couple of times a month (in normal times), but I don't see much of my sisters as he doesn't like their partners. He won’t go to things like if my mum had a barbeque or Sunday lunch at hers and my sisters are going, they do things like that often but we don’t go. I've noticed he seems to have stepped up how much he doesn't like them recently.

I've gained so much weight because I feel like all I can do is eat, that's the only fun thing I have left in my life. My weight has stopped us from having children. We're 36 and have been together 20 years. I feel like I didn't see being controlled coming, I was just a child and desperate to get away from my Mum who was also really controlling (she has got a lot better with time). It's only really the past few years since I have learned more about feminism that I have realised I never really felt I had any options, I always thought the most important thing was to have a husband and I have just sleep walked through my life.

Our life looks so perfect from the outside but inside I am miserable. I overheard him on the phone the other day telling my Mum how I had chosen our car. I don't like our car, it's so low and I struggle to get out of it but it was the best of the (bad) options he gave to me and totally opposite to what I would choose if I had free reign. But it's a Mercedes and I feel like I should be grateful about it? I would have picked an ecosport or a juke.

He is a workaholic and works outside of the home but has to do paperwork at home. He does this on an evening and on a weekend. I have to sit with him at the dining room table while he does this, even if that means staying up til midnight, getting up at 5am, or last Sunday he was doing it from about 10am-8pm. I do 100% of the mental load and housework and care of the dogs - he makes me a cup of tea once or twice a week. He often rings me 20 times a day when he is working - sometimes a genuine question about work but mostly to rant or talk while he is between jobs or driving. He likes me to be at home when he is.

Despite all this I do love him. (Although I don’t think I fancy him anymore. I have no sex drive at all.) He had a traumatic childhood and I can understand where his control issues come from and I do have sympathy for him and what he went through. He refuses to have counselling.

But I feel like I am an empty shell. My self confidence and self esteem is so low, I am so scared of life outside of this house, I would have absolutely nothing, no education, no career prospects and no money but I am so unhappy.

I mean she is still at the point of saying how wonderful he is & what a lovely man he is doing what he thinks is best for his wife etc

This isn’t exactly the kind of thing WA can work with

I don’t think they have the bandwidth to be working endlessly with women who need convincing they are in an abusive situation

They can help when there is the spark to want to leave, the realisation he is a monster or that they want to leave him but feel they can’t. Those are things they can work with

Someone who is still deep in denial is harder, more time consuming & in reality less likely to be the success story - at that point in time I mean!

it is great that counselling is offered to women in need of help

However this counselling is with a view to getting these women out of their situation

It isn’t to counsel them on how to improve their dysfunctional marriages & find contentment with their abuser

It sounds like the OP could benefit from personal counselling that doesn’t have a time limit on it the way I imagine WA counselling would

Again this is just my opinion & experience. Here on Mn refuges are seen as awful places ! Mine was just lovely & had it been pet friendly would have loved to live there. It felt so peaceful & safe.

I do not mean to suggest the OP isn’t worthy of help - just that people can sometimes only help so much as we are able to help ourselves.

I agree with an above PP who pointed out that abusers are never more dangerous than when their victims are thinking of leaving. That’s why as much as it is tempting to advise you to stand up to the monster and take back some control of your life, it’s also risky to tip off your husband to the fact that you are waking up to the fact that you have been abused and gaslighted for years. You are going to need support OP. Please get some professional help. And please be careful.

@gutful
I think it is hard to imagine what it is like to live without encouragement.
Like OP does to an extreme extent. I genuinely meant what I said about OP, I see her strength and her intelligence and her potential and the amazing way she is able to analyse and have insight into her situation, when she has little, if any, benchmark of normality.
People change when they see hope, when they start to feel they can enact in a hopeful way, when they start to feel they matter and have capability. Telling OP, that she is mired in hopelessness and no-one will help her is utterly counterproductive and not true. I have received time limited services as mine are all from charities. But they pass you onto the next service so that you are not left bereft. You are not just abandoned. I have had support on and off for years. OP can get that support and encouragement too, as well as practical advice.

I genuinely admire OP. I think its incredible that someone as controlled as OP is for so long is able to start to think about a different future and even to start to enact it. I absolutely want OP to see that good in herself, that capability and strength in herself and to recognise that and start to see a new narrative about herself. Her H has given her a false narrative about her lack of capability. And I am absolutely sure he has hammered that home hard as he full well knows it is not true, he can full well see how capable she is. That is why he is so desperate that she never believes this about herself.

I see in OP that different narrative, that narrative based on a capable and strong women who can absolutely grow in a different environment, away from that man. OP needs encouragement so she can see that narrative too.

@Nottheendofthings I don’t disagree with what you’re saying

the OP has been receiving a lot of support from her threads here !

My point about WA being stretched to capacity & limited counselling services still stands though

And am sure WA would refer her on to other services which may be able to help while she finds her feet & sorts through her feelings

I am saying that as I understand it they don’t have the capacity to provide those services on an ongoing basis themselves - which is sounds like they don’t from what you’re saying. You’re saying they will refer you onto someone elsewhere.

This is one of the saddest thread's I've read. Sending you strength OP. I hope you find the courage to leave.

Oh OP your H is a controlling bully. Some of what you describe makes my blood run cold. And the fact that it's been going on so long means you can't see it for what it is.

I wish I could whisk you away and help you to escape.

If you are contributing every day to the business and having an input by working for the business, surely it’s your business as well. Stop saying it’s his and start saying “our”. He is getting your employment for free and progressing, you however are not. You are bored and don’t want to be living this life with him, give him an ultimatum before it is too late. You have sleepwalked into this situation. Best of luck

This thread has almost made me cry. My step dad could be quite like this with my mum. He absolutely drained the life out of her. She's a completely different person now she's finally left but it did take counselling and her actually doing a counselling course herself to really see him for what he was. He used to use all the bad childhood stuff too so that sure would excuse his behaviour bit he admitted years later it was a manipulative tactic.

Part of the problem is they are nice too and so it's easy to excuse their behaviour so maybe you could try every time he does something controlling like making you get his slippers, callng excessively, not letting you read ANYTHING make a little tally and see what you are up to at the end of the week. Consider if you'd want someone treating a friend like that?

The worst part for me is how happy you were on your single day off. Do you really want to be on your death bed thinking about that one single day that you had a bit of peace?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I have read many accounts of controlling abuse over the years and yours is one of the very worst I have read. You absolutely need to get away from this abusive man before he finishes the job your mother started. The conditioning she installed in you and your H has capitalised on is powerful but you're beginning to further find a way out. Keep going with what you have started; a life of your own without coercive control and visits to the cinema are within your reach still.

Re your comment:-
"I think I still don't quite believe that I'm not just making a massive fuss over nothing, that it's not me that's the problem and I'm just depressed and ungrateful, or imagining things are worse than they actually are".

Do you think the same when it came to your mother as well?. Many adult children of such toxic and otherwise abusive parents think very similarly but its not so. She is also controlling and her overarching influence over you from childhood is also why you are with someone like this man now. She as an abusive person groomed you and otherwise primed you to accept such control. Its of no surprise that you were also looking to get away from her. Were your sisters treated more favourably by your mother; I would assume they were in comparison to you.

He targeted you and deliberately so to abuse like your mother did when you were at home with her. He sensed your vulnerability and inherent lack of boundaries (abuse can and does mess up boundaries) and from that an opportunity to abuse you. His abuses of you is all on him.

The abuse you have suffered and continue to suffer at their hands is ALL on the perpetrators, not you. Its their fault. These people have merely made you their own personal scapegoat for all their inherent ills. Abusers can be "nice" sometimes but that is all a part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. Its one that you need to break free from because this is no life for you but a pitiful existence. He has had you now reduced to picking up his crap dumped in the street from his car.

Please contact women's aid and police, they'll help you!!

My H was arrested for 24 hrs for much much less than what you're describing here. I haven't pressed charges but had I done that he'd have been told not to come back home until I'm gone. I could also get him kicked out but I felt bad for him. I know what how you're feeling but please know that what he's doing is a crime!!

I'm getting help from WA now and I'm not prepared to leave YET because I have a young baby so need to make sure I do it right. They're helping me with a safety plan and we're going through the options. Trust me when I say that I'm not abandoned by them and that them helping me means so much.

Please please leave, you're still young and have so many years ahead of you. You could still have a baby layer if that's what you want. I had mine at 41.

Do not do the weight reducing op if you have doubts about it. Food is your comfort and if you stay with him you'll pile weight back on!

And please come back and talk to us, I know first hand how important this is for you. I only dared to contact police because of a few threads here and I'm glad that I made that first step.

I've read your posts OP and found them quite upsetting. My abusive 'relationship' was with my mum. She would throw the duvet off me if I wasn't up in time. I stupidly got into two separate businesses with her and believed I had to work for free so she could keep her house, always complained of having no money but it wasn't true. Business were doing fine.

One day, I came home and she had locked me out. It felt like a kick in the teeth after everything I had done. I had to stay at my friends and had to find a flat. I'm in it years later and I can't tell you what a relief it was to have my freedom. I always felt I had to support her. Her mood swings were stressful and I was always walking on eggshells. And I tried (and still try tbh) to compensate by doing nice things for her. Anything that needs going I jump and say 'I'll do it!' I guess to build up a store in her good books. Stupid really but that's where I am. Shes my mum after all. I hope you can get away and make a clean break

I was wondering why OP hasn't replied yet today, then I realised, its sunday.

So I'm assuming, OP, that you are currently stuck sitting at your dining table, because that is what you have been ordered to do.

I think you should read back through your posts and replace each 'DP' or 'he/him' with 'master'.....

Maybe that will help it sink in how abusive this situation is, because that's basically what he is.

Then think about bringing an innocent child into the situation.

You deserve so much more than the half-life you are currently living, I wish so much that you could see that. It is so clear to me, just from reading your posts, how lovely and kind and intelligent you are.

Please get help and get out.

The abuse you describe experiencing daily is horrific. The idea of a child being in brought up with this man is terrifying, as that child would be subjected to such an abusive childhood ... a dad who totally controls both their Mum and themselves.

Your child would never allowed to play at other children's houses, have other children to play, go to any after-school activities, having to sit silently on Sunday's as your husband would 'need quiet' whilst doing paperwork, instead of playing at the park. Experiencing your husband's anger if your child breaks his 'rules'. The child would live a childhood of terrible abuse.

Please leave. You are young, and have plenty of years to find a kind man who treats you with the respect that you deserve. If biological children are not an option, there are options like pursuing adoption, or a new career surrounded by children (nursery nurse/teacher/childminder/nanny/teaching assistant/children's care worker ... the opportunities are there for you!).

Please leave, you deserve so much more.
Make a new future ... take the good 'karma' you have been denied for so long ... and carve the life you wish. There are so many individuals and organisation who will WANT to support you ... you can do this, OP!!

@Minimoan 1000000% bringing a kid into this would be a crime. A crime against humanity

@SoloJazz lucky you. Can you please describe the actions by him that got him arrested?

Minimoan is right. Ever if the control doesn't extend to your kids they much (it definitely will some) they will see it. I used to see the light in my mum's eyes go out the closer it got to the time for him to come home. It was horrible.

The problem, as I see it, is that the OP wouldn’t necessarily realise that her husband was controlling their DC. Because children don’t understand that what their father is doing is controlling them and obviously wouldn’t tell her.

My DM thought that my F was a really loving father and didn’t see what was actually going on. (I’m not just talking about the SA here, as she didn’t know about that.) She’s a very bright woman and she didn’t see it.

I know you’re desperate to be a mum, OP. But please don’t have DC with this man. Because IMO, he really would attempt to control them as well. And I can’t see how you would be able to protect them from that.

Never have I read a thread and been so glad a child wasn't involved.

It's not you OP- on your own or with another man, I bet you'd be a fab mother. But as things stand currently, any child brought into this horrifying marriage is deserving of nothing but pity for the trauma they will inevitably be left with.

This man does not allow you to make basic choices about your own life, body, daily routine. He will also control your ability to mother a child. He will peel layers off you like an onion skin, until you are unable to be an accurate judge of your child's needs. He's the sort of man who will insist you leave your newborn screaming desolately on its own, while you sit at the door weeping, knowing he is being cruel and wrong but unable to stand up to him.

He will turn you into a poor mother, unable to advocate for your child. You're shaking your head reading this I'm sure - but hasn't he already turned you into a poor friend, a poor sister, and taken away your chances of being a good employee, a good teacher? Throw in a postnatal period, a csection, aching boobs, baby blues, a newborn, isolation - you'd be a sitting duck my love.

He has already sabotaged and taken everything else away from you, he will resent your new "hobby" of a baby as well.

Your child will then grow up, develop opinions and wishes that differ from his, thus giving him a new project to mould and control. He will then destroy them too.

I'm so sorry for you OP. I'd rather be dead than live your life. And mine is very boring and ordinary. But tonight I'm going to have a long bath with a trashy novel. I'll go to bed when I want. Tomorrow I'll put on some nice clothes and I'll go to work in a job that doesn't pay much but which is full of nice people and makes me feel I'm doing some good in the world. Tomorrow evening I'll go for a run. My husband knows none of these plans yet, apart from the fact I'm going to work of course, and why should he? I don't need to consult with him over them. He'd think I'd gone mad if I did. You, on the other hand, practically need permission to leave the room.

Like I say OP, I feel dreadfully sorry for you
There is nothing enviable about your situation. You could change it in as much time it takes to pick up your car keys and walk out the door. I really hope you find the courage to leave this nightmare some day. Your life could be so different. You're wasting it at the moment. You only get one.

I know this may be hard to read, but I'm also relieved a child isn't involved. It would only trap you even further and give him ammunition to make it harder to leave and your life even more miserable. Please leave while you can. You have another chance for a better life. You can meet someone else and still have a baby. This doesn't have to be it. Be strong.

OP he will hate you once you have a kid and have to give your full attention to this kid. He's a psycho.

PP are right about having a baby OP. Just as you don't have the marriage you dreamed would make you happy, you won't have the motherhood you dreamed would make you happy. A child will become a particularly cruel way for him to control you. Just as he tells you are no good at anything, he will convince you you are a terrible motherhood. That will be easy. Motherhood is hard and fraught and full of guilt. And he will have all that to play on.

The child will be controlled too as well as a means to control you.

Your only chance to have a happy child and motherhood is to leave.
So do think about seeking that support. I believe in you. I really do.

This has to be one of the saddest things I've read.

About the karma issue... could you think that him feeling sad, awful , shit etc after you leave could just be his karma for being a terrible person to you now?

People have bad childhoods. It's very sad, awful and shouldn't happen but they don't all turn out to be abusive themselves.

This is not OK. Please find help.

I wish you all the luck in the world

Hope you are ok today OP

Oh wow. I’ve just read the whole thread.

Please leave him. He’s appalling, you deserve so much more from life.