To feel like my life is a prison?

[namechangeforadvicepls]

I feel like my life is a prison.

I can't figure out which of my decisions are my own and which are me picking out of a few options my husband gave me. Don't get me wrong he is a good man and he is just trying to do what he thinks is best for us. He never tells me what to do but I do what I know he will want?

But my life has become smaller and smaller over the years we have been together. I was bubbly and funny and had a good circle of friends when we met. He wanted to go travelling so I didn't go to Uni to do so and don't get me wrong I did love travelling.

We got back and he set up a business and I went to work. Over the years, he asked me for more and more help in his business that I felt I couldn't say no to. I now work for him full time, from home.

I don't have any friends left, he has fallen out with all his family. I still see my Mum a couple of times a month (in normal times), but I don't see much of my sisters as he doesn't like their partners. He won’t go to things like if my mum had a barbeque or Sunday lunch at hers and my sisters are going, they do things like that often but we don’t go. I've noticed he seems to have stepped up how much he doesn't like them recently.

I've gained so much weight because I feel like all I can do is eat, that's the only fun thing I have left in my life. My weight has stopped us from having children. We're 36 and have been together 20 years. I feel like I didn't see being controlled coming, I was just a child and desperate to get away from my Mum who was also really controlling (she has got a lot better with time). It's only really the past few years since I have learned more about feminism that I have realised I never really felt I had any options, I always thought the most important thing was to have a husband and I have just sleep walked through my life.

Our life looks so perfect from the outside but inside I am miserable. I overheard him on the phone the other day telling my Mum how I had chosen our car. I don't like our car, it's so low and I struggle to get out of it but it was the best of the (bad) options he gave to me and totally opposite to what I would choose if I had free reign. But it's a Mercedes and I feel like I should be grateful about it? I would have picked an ecosport or a juke.

He is a workaholic and works outside of the home but has to do paperwork at home. He does this on an evening and on a weekend. I have to sit with him at the dining room table while he does this, even if that means staying up til midnight, getting up at 5am, or last Sunday he was doing it from about 10am-8pm. I do 100% of the mental load and housework and care of the dogs - he makes me a cup of tea once or twice a week. He often rings me 20 times a day when he is working - sometimes a genuine question about work but mostly to rant or talk while he is between jobs or driving. He likes me to be at home when he is.

Despite all this I do love him. (Although I don’t think I fancy him anymore. I have no sex drive at all.) He had a traumatic childhood and I can understand where his control issues come from and I do have sympathy for him and what he went through. He refuses to have counselling.

But I feel like I am an empty shell. My self confidence and self esteem is so low, I am so scared of life outside of this house, I would have absolutely nothing, no education, no career prospects and no money but I am so unhappy.

I remember your previous thread OP and often wondered what the outcome was.

It's so so sad to read that you're still in the same situation, and to be honest, you sound even more defeated, resigned and trapped than ever before. At least there was a glimmer of hope in your writing last time.

I don't really have any practical advice as it must be so hard to shake off even the thinnest layer of manipulation and control he has wrapped you in, but I just wanted you to know that I'm hoping and wishing that you manage to make some steps to improve your situation soon. You don't have to live like this, you really don't.

Op this is one of the worst threads of abuse I have read. He might not be beating you but he is abusing you so so terribly. He controls every inch of you like a slave. I'm horrified and sad and angry for you all at the same time.

I know it's much easier for me to say this, but I would try to get my most important documents organised, call women's aid and see if there's a refuge to go to.

If you’re only staying with him so that you can have DC, please don’t do that. Not only will it tie you to him for many more years, but it will damage any DC to grow up in this environment.

You really do have time to start again, and either have DC once you’re in a new relationship or consider going it alone with a sperm donor. But whether you have DC or not, you deserve so much more than this.

You need to pack a bag and step aside from your life for a week or so.
Take back boundaries
Turn off the phone
Say No and stop.
Stop accepting his ways and ramblings go to your family gatherings.
He can watch his movie and takeaways
I have little doubt it will be easy or go well but is this how the rest of your life is worth living like.
I doubt it.
Go for a drive, switch of the phone and go and see someone.. they can probaby see what you have become

Is this the OP that was hoping to do a teaching course?

I have wondered what happened to her.

So many lovely women living such sad lives.

Really heartbreaking to read.

I’m really sorry this is your life for now.
I think you are trauma bonded to him or have the Stockholm syndrome.
He’s totally abusing you.
You need to start saying no to him or that doesn’t work for me -
He’s got you where he wants you. He’s a very damaged man - he has refused help - this is your answer - do not get pregnant with him - my goodness - he’s suffocating you -
It maybe simple that he knows how to work you and you are easily manipulated.
He’s limiting your life.
He’s destroying your chance of being a mother and that’s by leaving him and having a child with someone else.
You’ve lost so much already.
I really wouldn’t try to make it work with him - you will have years and years of trying to fix him.
Do you feel responsible for him?
Has anything you have done for him made any difference at all.
You cannot change him or fix him.
Look up CODA - co dependent relationships -
Do you want to tell him to f.........of and leave you alone.
He’s worst than a stalker.
Have you spoke to women’s aid at all.
I’d try and tell your family exactly how he is - IT IS VERY ABUSIVE.
No adult has the right to tell us what to do, when to do it and with whom.
You have loss free will -
💐💐

At the end of the day you posted before & feel the same way (if not worse) than now.

What is the worst that happens if you leave him? Is your life any better by staying?

Fear keeps you but if you were truly ok you wouldn’t be posting multiple threads which clearly express your misery

On your death bed what will you be grateful for? What will you regret ?

The alternative is to grow old, butter & more miserable. Your life will feel like a waste. That you are consciously trying to bring a child into this life is abominable, both for your future child & also trapping you further.

You have one life & nobody here envies you’re life or getting to marry your “childhood sweetheart”

OP, this is awful. You poor thing. You are a victim of coercive control and this is illegal. You husband is an abuser and a criminal.

Please, quietly make plans to leave and follow through. WA will help you. But please be very careful. The posters telling you to stand up to him mean well but perhaps don’t realise that the time a woman is in the most danger is when she is leaving an abusive relationship.

Be careful. He’s dangerous and you need to start thinking of him in that way.

@namechangeforadvicepls you sound lovely OP and it's never too late to make life changes. 36 is actually very young. You can go to uni (including distance learning), lose weight, start seeing friends/family more, make new friends, do whatever you want to do within reason if you have the motivation. We're fortunate as women we live in such a country, absolutely do not let your controlling abusive husband stifle your opportunities!

Youre not responsible for his bad childhood. It was his responsibility to go through therapy for it rather than find a 16 year old girl he could easily manipulate and abuse. None of this is your fault at all.

Chat to women's aid , they won't make you do anything but will be good to speak to someone who understands.

I obviously don't know your full circumstances but I also wonder whether your marriage is valid or not. Certain criteria have to be met for a marriage to be valid otherwise it may be subject to annulment.

WA & police if it’s anything like It is here in Australia will help those who want help & are ready to take action & escape

The OP says she has already contacted WA & the thing is at least here they screen you with a lot of questions to see if you are one of people who can be “helped” or if you are not ready to leave, or at risk of returning to your abuser

Even at the refuge was questioned if I would go back to him before they would provide further assistance to get council house etc

They are overworked & under-rescourced so unfortunately they simply don’t have time to do what we are doing - which is coaching, consoling & providing reasons why the OP should leave.

They don’t have the bandwidth so can only help those who are ready to accept help

The OP made a similar thread here before & had a lot of support. Instead of following the teaching gig she left the course. Unfortunately to WA if she is still in this mindset not even they can help her.

She doesn’t sound ready to leave IMO but hopefully this latest thread will leave an impression & give her the stepping stones to want to leave & make this plan

Unfortunately as the Op is still focused on having a baby with her abuser the WA will hear all this & be less likely to help her.

It must be frustrating for WA to provide help only for people not to take it & essentially they have taken the time away from someone else more desperate to escape

It’s sad but this is the reality of WA workers - it’s best to focus on those willing to take action than those who are essentially using forums & WA to have a vent but don’t have the intention to leave

You can’t help yourself until you are ready & sadly neither can they

Their sole function is to get you out & quickly. They don’t have time to be dithering for months counselling & coaching you to want to leave or realise you’re in a bad spot

By contacting them are you not basically admitting something is wrong & you need help? They aren’t a citizens advice line to call & help you feel better about your situation, or to vent & let off some of your sadness only to go back once you’ve got it all off your chest.

I was a woman with no children & taking a room which could fit a mother & 2 children. So they have to be sure you are someone that will accept what they offer. Had I gone back to him that would be very frustrating to the women’s refuge workers & I could have risked the life of some other woman & her children had I not followed through with them

So if the OP knows she isn’t ready to leave then I can see why she doesn’t want to call women’s aid. deep down she knows she isn’t ready & may make more threads over the years before she is, if she ever is at all

Not all women get away & sadly some are frozen by inaction so never will.

Not trying to be negative but have been in refuge & can see why these people get burned out & only invest in the women who can actually be helped/ready to accept help.

@gutful

WA & police if it’s anything like It is here in Australia will help those who want help & are ready to take action & escape

The OP says she has already contacted WA & the thing is at least here they screen you with a lot of questions to see if you are one of people who can be “helped” or if you are not ready to leave, or at risk of returning to your abuser

Even at the refuge was questioned if I would go back to him before they would provide further assistance to get council house etc

They are overworked & under-rescourced so unfortunately they simply don’t have time to do what we are doing - which is coaching, consoling & providing reasons why the OP should leave.

They don’t have the bandwidth so can only help those who are ready to accept help

The OP made a similar thread here before & had a lot of support. Instead of following the teaching gig she left the course. Unfortunately to WA if she is still in this mindset not even they can help her.

She doesn’t sound ready to leave IMO but hopefully this latest thread will leave an impression & give her the stepping stones to want to leave & make this plan

Unfortunately as the Op is still focused on having a baby with her abuser the WA will hear all this & be less likely to help her.

It must be frustrating for WA to provide help only for people not to take it & essentially they have taken the time away from someone else more desperate to escape

It’s sad but this is the reality of WA workers - it’s best to focus on those willing to take action than those who are essentially using forums & WA to have a vent but don’t have the intention to leave

You can’t help yourself until you are ready & sadly neither can they

Their sole function is to get you out & quickly. They don’t have time to be dithering for months counselling & coaching you to want to leave or realise you’re in a bad spot

By contacting them are you not basically admitting something is wrong & you need help? They aren’t a citizens advice line to call & help you feel better about your situation, or to vent & let off some of your sadness only to go back once you’ve got it all off your chest.

I was a woman with no children & taking a room which could fit a mother & 2 children. So they have to be sure you are someone that will accept what they offer. Had I gone back to him that would be very frustrating to the women’s refuge workers & I could have risked the life of some other woman & her children had I not followed through with them

So if the OP knows she isn’t ready to leave then I can see why she doesn’t want to call women’s aid. deep down she knows she isn’t ready & may make more threads over the years before she is, if she ever is at all

Not all women get away & sadly some are frozen by inaction so never will.

Not trying to be negative but have been in refuge & can see why these people get burned out & only invest in the women who can actually be helped/ready to accept help.

This is so true, sadly there are many many women in the same boat as OP, they know deep down they need to get out and that their partner is terribly abusive, but they have convinced themselves that’s the love of their life, that they were meant to be etc, they’re just overreacting and DP will have an epiphany one day and be wonderful. Nothing can be done unless you really want it and unless you put the wheels into motion you’ll be stuck like this and it will be too late for you because you’ll blink and then be 20 years older.

One of my closest friends is this person and no matter how many friends, family, agencies such as SS beg her to leave she always always goes back to him, and is of the mindset they’re living out some dramatic true love story - she can never be helped sadly, that’s her life forevermore, being gaslighted, abused, assaulted and cheated on, even more sadder is her son witnesses this day in and day out and she sees and knows how badly he’s being affected but allows it to continue, SS are easily palmed off and got rid after every police MASH report. If you have a baby with him, things will get so much worse, the control will intensify, and you truly will be trapped, right now you’re not trapped, you can walk away and never look back. The choice is honestly yours OP. But mumsnet will always be here for you to vent- you’ll never get a different answer though.

@DeathToCovid this is an important (and such a true) comment you’ve made about the perception of the abused woman having a very “fairytale” view of relationships & that they are in the centre of the world’s biggest supposed love story. Full of drama, angst, heartbreak & hurt - you become addicted to the hurt & start to feel hurt EQUALS love. Because if you didn’t love them, they couldn’t hurt you, right?

Have been there, have believed all that. It’s bullshit. Living on your own in peace is a million times better but the hurt & heartache plus the making up becomes an addictive drug which you don’t even want to escape from. They are the only ones who can soothe your hurt, you can’t even heal your own hurt, or believe you can’t

It sucks & once you’re out & see life for what it is it does make you angry to see women “stuck” in this mindset & want to shake them

But the reality is either they will see it for themselves or they won’t. No amount of cheerleading or helpful advice will penetrate her believe that he is her childhood sweetheart, they have come out together despite all the odds & theirs is that world’s most enviable love story

We know she is living in a fog - and deep down so does she but only when she is ready will she perhaps make steps to change her life

That she willingly dropped out of the teaching course tells me she is pretty far gone

Most people here are refreshing the page waiting for some exciting dramatic update that OP has packed a bag & left in the night for a new, better life.

That isn’t happening here, based on her previous post which provided great support but wasn’t heeded.

Over time what sucks is the abused person will keep reaching out to others & people become fatigued.

After 3 or 4 threads people get bored - they will say “oh you again?” And this is how WA also feel. They become exasperated & know their help is a waste of time & pointless

I know it’s sad but people will eventually stop caring OP if you keep coming here to complain but don’t want to do anything

I advise making new usernames for each new thread or people will post stalk & realise you are the same person from other threads.

The reason your H didn't need to say much to get you to leave your course is because you are so under his control. You no longer think for yourself because it's not permitted.

You say he is kinder now, in what way is he kinder?

Clinging to the hope of having a baby so you can put a child through the same control. He will constantly tell you that you are a bad mother that you are doing it wrong. He will be angry that you love this child, he will still need to come first.

Can you imagine when this child doesn't do what he wants, when he gets woken in the night. When you have been up most of the night but you still have to get up with him every morning and get his things ready?

Your Mum and sisters won't be allowed to visit or for you to see them.

Yep some fairytale that is.

@RandomMess I think it is cruel to have a child with this man. The minute anyone but this man needs attention he will flip because OP is his slave and will become the child's slave - feeding, constant wake ups etc. things will only get worse when they have a child. You are of course right - he won't let her have help from her mom and sister

Interesting and insightful posts @gutful and @DeathToCovid and very valid.

If you take into account the mental state of many victims of abuse, and the fact it takes, on average, seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship, I think you should cut @namechangeforadvicepls some slack.

It took me only 2 attempts to leave (mainly because I’d planned it and signed a tenancy) but that means it could take someone else 10 or 12 attempts. Should Women’s Aid give up on people?

That said, you are right. They facilitate the action of leaving safely, and as you say, they don’t have the bandwidth to counsel individually.

@namechangeforadvicepls We are here for you, whenever you want to post. MN is truly a good place for advice, but it sounds like you’re still in the middle of his vortex and you need to step out of it.

Please hear our advice. We’re all saying the same thing. Only you can make the change.

@gutful It's good to hear you are so strong and I think telling it like it is is possibly the kindest thing for the op. The only thing I would add OP, is if you are not strong enough to do this for yourself, do it now for your future baby. How would your dh be with a child suckling on you, or taking all your love and attention? Can you honestly say you are doing the best for a baby by staying with him?

I wonder if he is somehow sabotaging the attempts to get pregnant? He really doesn't seem like he would willingly share the OPs attention.

Soap opera plots aside, OP I hope you are still reading and not feeling attacked. The last posts have probably been hard to read. But your situation is so sad.

Do you think you could show this thread to your mother or sisters? You really need some real life support.

I'm sorry you are in this situation.
You have been completely manoeuvred under his control over time. The fact that you have to sit next to him seeing hin do paperwork is horrible.
Sooner or later you will have to leave. Do this - please - sooner than later: the longer you stay, the deeper you will be sucked into depression due to his controlling, the more time you loose, the older you get.
I wish you lots of strentgh.

I remember your last thread.

You say he’s become kinder, yet you sound much more sad and even more hopeless and helpless.

I hope you truly accept what people are telling you: he’s abusing you. He’s not a good man. It doesn’t matter why.

You deserve so much more than this life that he is imposing on you, and you can have a different life. You can.

This was my life 25+ years ago. I left after 6 years of a man like this.
I had no life, no friends and alienated from my family by him.

If I was 5 minutes late home from work or longer at the supermarket than expected, I would be questioned and accused of all sorts.

I could write a book.
Thank god we didn't have mobile phones back then, I can't even begin to imagine what it would have been like.

They don't change, it only gets worse.

I had no idea you were the same poster- I followed that thread and often wondered what happened to you after.

I had a suspicion you may have decided not to do the course and felt like you couldn't come back to the thread. It's not your fault, OP. Women in abusive relationships often take multiple attempts to leave. It's hard, really hard sometimes, but it is possible. The fact that you're back on here asking again is really good.

Your story about the cinema is really telling - the fact that you sat outside but didn't feel that you could go in, shows just how strong his control over you is. Because, of course you could have gone in. No-one would have ever known. Nothing bad would have happened. You would have had a nice time watching a film and the world wouldn't have ended. But in your head, you couldn't... and that's where you're trapped.

Physically, you could walk away from this man at any time you choose. You don't have kids. The lovely women on here could help you with practicalities, and you could just walk away and start a new phase of your life.... but your head needs to be ready for that too. You need to accept that you're allowed to do something that you want, simply because you want to. That it doesn't matter whether he wants you to stay where you are, because you get the final say in your life.

OP, please, please, do not waste any more of your life in this way, your existence while not a physically dangerous one is so damaging to you.
Try and just gather any mental strength you have and escape this awful opressive life.

I don't think @gutful's post is helpful. Our local Women's Aid do offer counselling. My relationship situation is nowhere near as bad at OPs and not even criminally abusive, yet over three years I have had shit loads of support from loads of agencies as I try to figure out a way forward for me, and I am still accessing new support.

OP has been controlled all her life from the sound of things. I don't think any of us can even begin to imagine what that is like. She has never known normal. I totally congratulate OP for being able to start to realise that how she is living is not normal, and to start to think of alternatives, and to have even started to put them into action. So her first attempt at this didn't succeed. Most of us don't succeed at our first attempt at something. Its entirely normal that OP did not succeed at her first attempt at asserting independence when her whole 36 years of life have been lived under the control of another.
OP I think you are bloody awesome for making that attempt. I think
you are absolutely awesome to be thinking that your life is not normal and to be able to come here and write about this with insight, intelligence and in an articulate way. Given the life you have led for so long I think it is bloody brilliant that you are able to do that. Give yourself a massive and proud pat on the back. You absolutely deserve it. That tells me that you are absolutely made of what it takes to have your independent life free of this man.

Do reach out for support. As well as Women's Aid there are mental health charities that will offer support. Some Christian organisations offer free counselling too.

I read this thread and I absolutely see that you have what it takes. I really do. I see the strength and the smart in you. You've been crushed by this man, and your mother. Your husband has wanted you to lose yourself. But you are still there. I can see that you are still there inside yourself. And from that I know that you can come to the fore of yourself, with that strength and that intelligence which you so clearly have.

Good God I despair over the way so many women value themselves so little and let these pathetic, weak minded men control their lives. I've never wanted a husband or children and I'm beginning to see why. Freedom is the price of love.

Get out. You have no reason to stay

@Nottheendofthings I am going by my own personal experience of going into a refuge & WA / women’s social service groups in my country which did say may not be like yours.

Not saying WA don’t offer counselling but how long do these counselling services go on for? How long do they work to counsel women who aren’t sure if they want to leave yet or not ready to?

In my experience there isn’t enough rescources to provide counselling on tap to those who aren’t desperately planning their imminent escape.

I know I was questioned at every turn about my ex & whether we had been in contact & if there was any chance I might go back.

I can’t say what it’s like in the Uk, maybe you guys have better resources for WA in your country?

The way I hear about your WA services here it sounds like you can’t even guarantee they will answer your call ! So was thinking your systems are likely at capacity as well.

I hear what you are saying but am still sceptical there are infinite counselling services available to women who aren’t sure what they want to do yet. I think it would be at most likely to be a capped number of limited counselling sessions

Simply because there are so many women in need it is a better bet to help the ones ready to go, then in time the others may come around & be ready to accept help