Dating a man 16 years older than me...

[datinganolderman]

I have just started dating a new man, he is 16 years older than me (I am 24, he is 40). I met him online, and never considered dating someone that much older than me, but I thought I'd give it a go and it turns out we are getting on really well!

It is very early days as we've only been dating almost a month, but we get on really well, I feel comfortable around him already, he is very courteous and attentive. We have been on lots of socially distanced walks (we see each other every few days) and can spend hours talking without getting bored or having awkward silences. We've had some flirty banter, not slept together yet, but some of my friends have mentioned he is probably only interested in sex with a younger woman! However, I don't feel pressured into sex like I have with other men. He has 2 teenage sons and I've got a child at primary school. I mentioned wanting more children one day (I didn't see the point in wasting either of our time if he wasn't interested), and he said he would have more children one day as long as his children weren't adults by that point. He's said he is looking for a long-term relationship.

I am worried about the age gap, it's not something I've experienced or any of my friends/close circle have experience with. Has anybody had this kind of age gap/situation and it's gone on to be a successful relationship?

If he's nice (which is so rare) take it slow, enjoy and tbh only you know the relationship and what works for you.

My husband is 16 years older than me. I wish I’d met him when I was 24.

It's a massive age gap. He was in sixth form when you were born! You really have the best years of your life ahead of you and have plenty of time to meet someone who would be a much better match.

My sons father is 14 years older..... it never really affected us when we were together.
However another guy was 9 years older and it felt like 90 years older!

I honestly think it’s down to the people a d how much emphasis they put in it, plus how similar their outlook on life is, their hobbies, free time etc.

If you’ve managed to find a good un on Tinder. Keep hold of him!

I wouldn’t not at 24 no way

I wouldn't say 16 years was a particularly big gap. If he's nice, and if you have lots in common, I really wouldn't give it any thought.

We have a similar gap. It was fine when we were roughly your ages but as we have got older the gap has become much more noticeable. He is in his sixties now and has turned into a grumpy old fart who can't perform in bed. I know that sounds really mean. Actually we love each other and have been married for decades. But the compromises we both have to make have increased with each passing decade. And the whole dynamic has changed. He used to be the more dominant one, who would deal with domestic problems and was generally in charge. Now it's the other way round. It works, but there was quite a bumpy adjustment period as we each slotted into our new ways of being.

My sister got with an older guy when she was 27 she's now 46 and he is 72 and he's had cancer which might have come back. She had two kids through ivf which was hard time for her but worked out in end and seems happy now but I can't help feel like she wasted years of her youth and she will have to look after him now as he gets into old age. I think 16 years isn't too big but this all depends on how he acts his mentality. Could work out or you might waste your best years. Maybe just enjoy it and not think too long term ?

I wouldn't have done it at your age but a friend of mine met her future husband around that age and he is 11 years older. The rest of us felt he was uncomfortable with us and he often didn't join in socially but they're still married over 30 years later with two grown up children. The age gap is no longer obvious as he is a fit 70 something. He also retired early and looked after their kids for years so my friend could go back to full time work.

He could be lovely, or he could have targeted a younger woman as 40 year old women with the same life experience would run a mile from him.

Keep a very close eye out for which one it is, leave if there are red flags. Don't get pregnant any time soon - it sounds like he's trying to fast forward that with the "only if teens haven't become adults" comment.

Nooooooooooo don’t do it!! Honestly he’s only going to go downhill from here, get grumpy, miserable and make you old before your time. If it was 6 years, 8 years difference it would be so much easier.

He’s in a completely different life stage to you, in fact two life stages ahead and that’s not good.

There was a 18 year age gap between my parents. Mum was born in 1959 and dad in 1941. It dosent matter about the age gap as long as your happy together what does it matter what anyone else thinks

Don’t do it. You have your life in front of you and this will take the best of those years away.

From my experience they go from charming older guy in their 40s to grumpy old man in their 50s very quickly.
I was with a man all through my 20s who was 22 years older. I was quite a sensible boring 20 something and he was a nice older guy who to a 20 something year old was experienced and interesting. Then I hit 30 and he was getting more and more grumpy in his 50s whilst I was still young in my prime with lots i wanted to achieve. All of a sudden our stages of life seemed worlds apart.

It's up to you what you decide in your life but I know if I could live my time again I would make different choices.

OP - you are young. And you have lots of time to meet someone closer in age who would be a better companion for a much longer period of your life.
This age gap seems not that bad now. But it will increasingly become an issue.
When you are 50 - he’ll be 76.
And trust me - at that age you will want to have an active life, the kind a 76yo won’t be able to have with you.

@MMmomDD

OP - you are young. And you have lots of time to meet someone closer in age who would be a better companion for a much longer period of your life. This age gap seems not that bad now. But it will increasingly become an issue. When you are 50 - he’ll be 76. And trust me - at that age you will want to have an active life, the kind a 76yo won’t be able to have with you.

He’ll be 66.

My mistake. He will be 66.
Same point stands.

At your age I was with a man with a much bigger age gap and it was wonderful. Just go with the flow, why wouldn't you?

Exactly the same gap as my parents and they met when my mother was 24 and dad was widowed with two kids. They were married in six months and were together for thirty more years before my dad died suddenly.

Early days but trust your gut.

I wouldn't recommend it, and when you are 40 you'll look back and realise that there's no way you could date a 25 year old, and also you'll not want to be dating someone nearly 60 when you're 40. Keep him as a friend.

I am in my mid 40s. And at this age, men that are 60 don’t look remotely attractive to me.

OP - I get it that at your age the men in their 40s look attractive. More mature than men your own age. They are also more financially secure and that can be a draw.
But - do think about the longer term, as you have a lot of life still to live.

And of course - a 40yo man dating someone this much younger does say something about him. It’s great for his ego. His friends would be envious. Etc.
I can see how he benefits a lot in such an arrangement.
You - not so sure.

I don't think it's that big a gap. Ed Stafford and Laura Bingham anyone? I watched a documentary they did with their son called "Man, Woman and Child WILD" and I really admired their relationship. I've also been in a 17 year gap and it was no biggy, though it didn't work out for other reasons.

Personally I think 16 years is too much. I know 2 couples with age gaps and after 10 years they both find the gap too much.

Did he set his age preferences low on the dating site?

@MMmomDD

My mistake. He will be 66. Same point stands.

You think a 66 can’t have a full, active life?

It’s not even retirement age.